What's a Hot Dog Without Ketchup?

The beloved scene in which the cave trolls are arguing over the best way to cook the dwarves is given a flavorful twist when the dwarves become food and the cave trolls utensils.

Thorin - Hotdog

Dwalin - Hamburger

Balin - Sandwich

Ori - Potato

Dori - Chowder

Nori - Chips

Fili - Chili

Kili - Chile

Biffur - Porridge

Boffur - Grits

Bombur - Cream-of-wheat

Oin - Crumpet

Gloin - Scone

Bilbo - Bread

Gandalf - Chef Anatole

Cave Troll #1: Spoon

Cave Troll #2: Knife

Cave Troll #3: Fork

'Well this is a pretty kettle of fish,' thought Bread, as he desperately tried to free himself. The Twizzlers were cutting into his wrists, but that wasn't what he was really worried about. Crumpet, Scone, Chips, Potato, and Sandwich were getting roasted on a spit and it was all his fault. Where was Chef Anatole? He paused in his efforts momentarily to listen to the Cooking Utensils' conversation.

'You're not supposed to roast a sandwich,' squealed Spoon, hopping about in frustration.

'And what is a Cellar rat like yourself supposed to know about cooking?' snorted Knife, 'Anyways, haven't you ever heard of a Reuben sandwich?'

Fork, who was occupied in seeing that Chips stayed inside the bag, sighed. 'How ever are we going to roast the chowder,' he groaned, 'These chips is hard enough, and we don't even have the proper spices for the potato head!'

'We could always eat them raw,' grunted Spoon, reaching for Cream of Wheat.

'Keep your filthy hands off!' growled Knife, slapping Spoon and giving the spit another vigorous turn, 'You don't have no idea of what cooking is.'

Spoon subsided into the background, sulking and muttering things under his breath.

Fork threw some bacon grease on the fire and it burned bright for a minute, reaching hot fingers to grasp the food above it. A cry escaped simultaneously from the mouths of the victims and Bread cudgelled his brain for a plan. But try as he might, the only thing that went through his head was the Cooking Utensils' conversation. 'Roast a sandwich...Cellar rat...Roast the chowder...Chips is hard...Proper spi...' Suddenly his brain clicked. He leapt up.

'Sirs!' he cried, 'Stop a moment and think! You have a great feast before you, true, but consider! You have not any of the proper condiments!'

'Condiments?' asked Fork in confusion.

'Yes,' said Bread. 'Um...um...' Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chef Anatole dart behind the loaf of pumpernickel bread. He had to keep talking, he had to give the chef some time. 'Uhh...For example, how can you eat bread without butter, or chips without dip, or even a potato without salt?'

Immediately there rose a protest from his friends.

'I don't need no dip!' bellowed Chips. But Hotdog suddenly realized what Bread was playing at, and kicked Chili who happened to be next to him. Immediately the shouts of protest changed into shouts of agreement.

'I'm too hot to eat without sour cream!' shouted Chili and 'You can't possibly eat me without a glass of water!' came from his twin brother, Chile.

'How can you eat crumpets without tea?'

'Or a hamburger without mustard?'

'Or porridge without brown sugar?'

$'Or a sandwich without mayonnaise?'

'Or a scone without jelly?'

'Silence!' bellowed Knife, waving his blade dangerously at the prisoners, 'Don't think I don't see through your game. I guess we cooking utensils can eat basically anything!'

'It's just as I told you, boss,' cried Spoon, jumping from his seat, 'We should eats them right away so they don't have no chance to argue.'

At that minute Chef Anatole jumped on top of the loaf of pumpernickel bread and sliced it in half with one blow of his chef's knife. Syrup came pouring through, gluing the utensils to the counter and putting out the fire. The captive foods let up a cheer.

Finis