Sometimes Wally Wall-man Kid Mouth West would make me want to take the same vow as my namesake. Then I would remember the annoying way the blood would rush to my head and it would pound when he got to close. How my face would grow hot and I would have to bite down on my tongue in refusal to blush. Not only did blushing make boys think you liked them, it made you come across as one of those silly giggling girls who had nothing better to think about then boys. Which I was not. Then there was that irritating way the hairs would stand up on my arms and I'd get these stupid chills like I had some kind of fever. And the worst was that aggravating dull acing feeling that I would get in the pit of my stomach. Made me want to just throw up. I knew that I couldn't hack this internal maiden thing.
I was utterly disgusted by the way my body had betrayed me. I knew Wally was a pig, a jerk, and idiot but still I found myself drawn to him like a mouth to a light bulb. It had been find, I was able to push the thought that he was the slightest bit attractive to farthest darkest corners of my mind, to remember what an asshole he is. After all, he's not even my type. I like guys that like Superboy. Tall, dark, and brooding. After I realize M'gann was into him I turned that attraction off. Like a switch. I had always been able to do that, but for some reason I couldn't just switch off Wally. He isn't even that tall. He has like an inch on me that's probably just his hair. He is the exact opposite of dark, and brooding, don't make me laugh. He couldn't take a hint, always playing impress-Megan-at-all-costs game. His body not that great. At least not as great as he thinks it is. Nothing could be that great. Yeah he's smart. A real smartass. Like I said: asshole.
Still I could look pass this infatuation. Then that stupid mission in Bialya happened. He had been so nice. So unlike the Wally I knew, or didn't. Somehow I had let my guard down. I don't know what I thought. That somehow we'd runaway together and live happily ever after. That he'd be my night in shinning yellow armor, who would whisk me away to castle somewhere. That he'd be my hero. Like I said, I'm not one of those girls. How could I for a second think that he might be my way out. I found my way out, and I don't need him. I can't need him. I just couldn't kill him. I never wanted to kill anybody.
To make matters worst I had told him way too much. I tried to cover it up but in less he was more dense then I thought, I doubt he believed me. I was a horrible liar. I hated lies. Sometimes it felt like my whole life was just one big lie to cover up a life story most sane people wouldn't even believe. Green Arrow's niece. Lie. Never had a sister. Lie. She got away. A lie to maintain a lie. Gotham Academy Scholarship Student. Lie. I don't know whose but it was mine now. Like someone like me would every want to go to school like that. What I told Wally back the dessert. Embarrassingly sloppy lie. Then I had the nerve to call Kaldur out when he didn't tell us about the mole. Not only was I liar, I was a liar and a hypocrite. It didn't just feel like my whole life was lie. My whole life was a lie.
If only I would had told them the truth before dad told Kaldur there was mole. Now if the found out that would be it. I would be the mole, and even if they decided I wasn't they would never trust me again. That what he wanted. Finely I had a chance to get out, to be happy, but he could have that could he. I was his little girl. I would never be free of him. I would do as he says. I could hear his voice in my head. Look at you, what are you Green Arrows little errand girl now? How could you work for the same people who but your mother in prison? Or have you forgotten how they took your mother away from you? Have you forgotten how they tore this family apart! First your mother then your sister too! Have you forgotten!
"No dad." I whispered out loud, doing my best not to scream it. "You drove this family apart. And when mom went to prison at least she was safe from you!"
Do you think these people are your family? I'm your family, girl! Your blood! Or do you think you're better than me? Do you, you little shit! You are nothing! You are weak!
"No. You are wrong. I'm strong." Part of me didn't believe it. Ether way the stress was getting to me. I had to stop talking to myself; I was beginning to sound crazy. Maybe I was going crazy. What I needed was space, alone time. Time figure how to untangle the web of lies I had gotten myself into. And to think it was my idea to keep all of this a secret from the team. That I genuinely believed it would make things easier. There was no way this would ever be any kind of easy. If the team really knew me there was no way they would every trust me. Heck, I wouldn't trust me. Was it fair? No. It was life. The exact opposite of fair. If they knew all I'd done for the love of a heartless man they would hate me. He would hate me.
After Bialya Wally had followed me home, thoughts of him invading one of the few Wally free zones. Wally West was the kind of person who believed in fair. He had no business being in my apartment. He didn't even belong in this neighborhood, even just the thought of him. It was the kind of place were people looked out for each other, by minding there own business. A person like Wally West belonged in suburbia, not my personal space. Not with me, Gotham Academy's charity case. The favorite target snobby rich girls, "Shouldn't you be massaging feet and painting nails?" That kind of girl is what Wally should be into. Fellow morons who only saw Vietnamese girls when they went to get there nails done and their unwanted hair removed. Dumb white girls who think that the girl who has to deal with there dirty ugly white feet and unsightly hairy problem areas is their friend. That was the kind of girl Wally would date. As for me I can't remember the last time I got my nails done. I had real problems to worry about. It was safe to say Wally had become more of nuance than the pigeons out side my window that my father used to have me shoot.
His face, God his face, I couldn't get it out of me head! The way his freckles made his nose look like someone had sprinkled it with cinnamon. The flecks of gold in his bottle green eyes. The shape of his mouth, way it could go from a pout to a smirk in a matter of seconds. The way at times his lashes were so pale it almost looked like he didn't have any, then the sunlight would hit them and the would just glow with all the flicker shades of gold, red and orange. Like fire. To me Wally was fire. Beautiful and strangely comforting but if you got to close, dangerous. Except he would be the one who would get burned.
I would never say this out loud, never admit it, but he had even followed me into my dreams. Do you know how annoying it is to be sleeping peacefully, have a good dream for once only to have Wally West show up? To have yourself do something you would never do in real life before reason breaks through the madness that is your subconscious and you find your self screaming at this deranged figment of your imagination, "Get the fuck out of my dream!" I'll tell you, not pleasant.
I am not in no way in love with him. I not even in like with him. Sure we had grown to have a grudging respect for each other. Heck, we might even be on are way to being friends. But I know, this - this attraction was nothing more then hormones and lust. Boys have it easy. If I was a boy I could probably just jack-off and get some relief from this nonsense. I'm not ashamed to admit I masturbate. I have plenty of things I could be ashamed of but masturbating isn't one of them. The way I look at it ever one masturbates at least once in there life, even if they won't admit it. Often times they don't even know they were masturbating. But if I was to do so and think of him, I would never be able to look at him the same way again. Besides I would not let him have that power over me. The power of me wanting him enough to given to it. I would not, could not submit to my impulses. So instead I channeled my virginal sexual frustration into my training.
Ever since the desert things have been just so confusing. Had he heard me began break down when the cave was invaded, I was almost sure of it. Yet he had said nothing. Before are amnesia induced adventure he would have never let that go. He'd even defended me to Kaldur, before insulting me. After all, everything was always my fault. I couldn't do anything right. I wasn't supposed to be the one to join the team. Now he was just different, nicer, almost like he cared. I could have that. I could have him falling for me, much less me falling for him. I knew I was too good for him but my life wasn't good for anybody. Being on the team was putting ever one at risk. I hadn't realized how bad that was into I had grown close to them. Realized how important they are. How much I needed them. I could hardly handle the pain when I thought I was going to lose M'gann, when I thought I wouldn't make in time, when I thought I lost Robin. If I was to let Wally get to close...
Dad will come after you my own words to my sister echoed in my head. He had found her. She'd ended up just like him after all. And he would find me. And if I was to let Wally get to close – if I was to let myself fall for him -
He would kill him for sure. He would take him away from me. And I just couldn't live with that.
Because try as I might, deny it all I like, I had fallen for Wally Wall-man Kid Mouth West.