-1Here without you
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time"
Here without you - 3 Doors Down
This bed is to big for one. Looking at this photo isn't helping my homesickness. But night after night I stare beyond the glass frame and remember the happy day this photo was taken.
It was right after Bill and I got married. We were at my nieces wedding. It was an outdoor garden wedding. Everything had gone beautifully but as we were eating lunch it started to rain. We all ran inside but everyone's makeup and hair were ruined. Eventually everyone could see the humour in it and my sister began taking pictures for the album. I don't remember the exact moment the photo was taken but when she gave it to me as a birthday present I cried. Bill had his arm around me and his forehead was touching mine and we were both smiling at each other. We looked so happy.
Memories like that are the only thing that get me through these lonely nights. We don't work regular hours so we can't plan a weekend get together, so for the time being we have to make do with five minute phone calls here and there.
Speaking of which, I have been debating whether or not to call Bill for the past half an hour. It's late so I don't want to disturb him, but I know I'm not going to be able to sleep until I hear Bills voice.
He picks up after three rings. "I was just thinking about you."
"I see the caller ID still works." I smiled as I lay down and get comfortable in the bed. "Did I wake you?"
"No I'm still at CTU. Being Director gives you a lot of paperwork, " he let out a sigh. I could hear in his voice how tired he was. Being the Director of a Federal Agency was taking its toll. "How are you?"
"I'm alright. I miss you." I lent over and switched the lamp off. I didn't realise how tired I was until I closed my eyes.
"I miss you to. Where are you?"
"At my apartment. I went home early because I wasn't feeling well."
"What's wrong? Are you alright?" He sounded very concerned. I almost felt guilty. I let out a little laugh.
"I'm fine. Tom Lennox was giving me a headache so I just went home early." I heard Bill laugh.
"He does have an irritating way about him." We both sat in silence for about thirty seconds. I closed my eyes and just listened to his breathing. "How was your day?"
I let out a sigh before I answered. "Long. It was very long. How was yours?"
"I've had better."
"I want to see you. I miss you so much." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.
"I know Karen. I miss you to, more than anything."
"Tell me the story again of when you knew you were in love with me." After the first time we made love we were lying on the bed, me laying on Bills chest listening to his heart beat, he told me this story. I knew right then and there I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful man.
"Ok. Lay down and close your eyes. Well we were supposed to be going on our second date. I had picked the perfect restaurant overlooking the water. I had my best suit on. I even made sure my shoes were shined. I went to pick you up and I brought you flowers. White roses, your favourite. You opened the door and I had never seen anyone more beautiful."
"I had my favourite dress on. Well it wasn't actually my favourite until you said it was yours."
"The red dress looked amazing on you. So just as we were about to leave we were sitting on the couch drinking coffee and you threw up all over my shoes. You ran to the bathroom and I followed you in there. I held your hair back while you emptied the remaining contents of your stomach into the toilet. When we sat on the floor leaning against the wall and you put your hand on my leg and you lent your head against my arm I fell in love with you."
"And you stayed over and stayed up with me the whole night. We were both so tired at work the next day, remember? When you asked me on a third date I was shocked."
"Well when Bill Buchannan loves a woman he doesn't give up because he gets thrown up on." We both laugh. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have Bill in my life. He is more than anything I could have wished for. I also can't believe how stupid I am for leaving Bill in LA. I feel like he deserves a better wife than me. Someone who will be there when he gets home and someone that actually knows how to cook a proper meal. But he knew what we was getting when he married me.
"I'm going to take a cooking class."
"Oh God Karen please tell me your joking. Why?" I could hear the sarcasm in his voice.
"Because I want cook you a good dinner. I'll make your favourite."
"Karen are you forgetting the last time you tried to cook. You nearly burnt your apartment down remember?" I had attempted to cook Bill a chicken dish but I guess I did something wrong and long story short, there was a fire. It wasn't one of my finest moments.
"Yes but I'll have proper training this time."
"I'm sure it'll be great. I'll love anything you make." I know he was just saying it to make me happy but it worked. He really is the sweetest guy I know.
"I love you Bill."
"I love you to Karen. Even though we aren't together as much as we would like, but when we are together it means more to me than anything." The tears that had previously dried are forming again.
"You are so sweet." I whisper, not sure if it's loud enough for Bill to hear.
"One day we are just going to be normal people with a dog that travels around America with us in our mobile home." I remember the night we talked about our future. We both decided we wanted to drive around America so we could see everything we've missed over the years.
"I am going to hold you to that you know. Lets get a cat as well. To even things out." I'm much more of a cat person than a dog person but I'm willing to compromise.
"It's a deal." After a brief pause Bill continues to talk. " I can hear that you're tired so I'm going to let you go. Get a good nights sleep alright and I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Ok. Make sure you go home soon so you can get a decent amount of sleep yourself."
"Yeah I know I know, I'll leave soon."
"Make sure you do." I don't mean to nag but I know how much Bill works and how little sleep he gets.
"You're how far away and you're still bossing me around."
"I'm not bossing you around I just care about you that's all."
"I know baby. I love you and I'll talk to you in the morning."
"I love you to. Goodnight." When we hung up the phone I felt a sudden sense of loneliness. Well it wasn't really sudden. But it's always more intense after one of our spur of the moment chats. He's so close yet so far away from me.
I can feel myself drifting off to sleep. My last conscious thought is my cooking class. I haven't booked it yet but I very well intend to. The next time Bill and I see each other I am going to make him the best damn meal he's ever had.