Merry Brandybuck sits staring out of the window with his chin in his hands. The sun is hidden behind a veil of grey clouds and the rain is falling heavily. Merry feels miserable. He thinks of his dear cousin Pippin. He imagines brushing a golden curl from his eye and stroking his cheek, pressing gentle kisses to his lips and holding his hand tight…
He gulps. He hasn't been able to control his thoughts as of late. They had started as soon as Pippin left with Gandalf for Minas Tirith. What a brave thing for my little cousin to do, Merry thinks, riding off on his own. There is a feeling of guilt inside him for letting Pippin go, and when he went Merry became painfully aware of how much he loved him.
It is deeper than the love of a relation or even a friend, Merry knows. He couldn't live with it if anything happened to his darling Pip. They are exceptionally close as friends, but in his heart Merry knows that he loves Pippin in a way that he definitely shouldn't. And so he buries his feelings, buries them so deeply that it fills him with a depression that words cannot explain.
As he sits in his room at Minas Tirith, pondering his feelings for the young hobbit, he wonders whether he can go on like this, without Pippin knowing his secret.
"Merry?"
He turns when he hears the voice, a look of despair spread over his usually cheerful face. Éowyn, lady of Rohan, is stood in the doorway. She instantly looks concerned when she sees Merry's hopeless expression.
"What is wrong?" she asks, moving towards the hobbit.
Merry sighs. "It's nothing, my lady," he answers, "Nothing of importance, anyway."
Éowyn smiles sadly. "You are my friend, Merry," she says, "Anything you say is important to me."
"It's just something that I've been thinking about. It doesn't matter, really."
Merry turns away from the woman's gaze, hoping she will leave him in peace. Éowyn does not move from where she is stood, and stands in silence until Merry finally turns back around. He looks up into her bright blue eyes and her mouth opens, as if she has suddenly realised something.
"I know the look in your eyes," she whispers, "For I too have experienced what you are feeling. You have fallen in love, haven't you?"
Merry shuts his eyes tightly and feels tears start to form. Long has he known this for himself, but hearing it makes the pain so much worse.
"I know what it's like," Éowyn continues, "The longing, the heartache, and the feeling of utter joy when you see them smile. Nothing else matters when you are in love. It's just you and them, and you wish it could be that way forever."
"They are the only ray of sunshine in your life," Merry replies, staring down at the hair on his large hobbit feet, "They make you feel so happy, and yet when you realise they will never love you back it is the worst feeling in the whole world. You just want to hold them close," a catch forms in his throat, "And tell them that you love them."
He starts to sob and Éowyn sits beside him. She embraces him, tenderly and protectively.
"Do not cry, Master Merry," she whispers affectionately to him, "The war is over now. You can go home to the one you love."
"He's already here," Merry mutters.
Éowyn releases her grip and looks down at him, confused. "What did you say?"
"I said… Nothing, it was nothing," Merry sniffles and wipes the tears from his eyes, "Just ignore me."
"Remember this, Merry," says Éowyn, "If you do not tell them how you feel now, you may never get the chance again."
Merry is still contemplating Éowyn's words hours after their conversation. He cannot hide this from Pippin forever, he knows, nor can he hide it from the rest of the world. It hurts thinking about what people might say, what their reaction might be. To Merry, falling in love with someone of the same gender seems like a sin, but he can't stop himself from loving Pippin more as the days go by.
I should probably tell him, he thinks, but what if he hates me forever? What if I lose my precious Pippin?
A single tear rolls down his cheek as he thinks of Pippin's adorable smile and mischievous sense of humour.
"My little Pippin," he says to himself, smiling. He sits in silence, the image of his young cousin vivid in his mind.
"What about me?"
Merry jumps when he hears Pippin's voice. He turns around, startled.
"Pippin!" he greets, trying to seem happy, "I didn't notice you there."
"Merry," Pippin says, looking worried, "You said my name."
"Yes, I… I-I was just thinking."
"About me?"
The innocent and confused look on Pippin's face makes Merry want to cry again.
"Yes, about you," he replies, trying his hardest not to break down. He doesn't want his dear Pip to see him so upset.
"Why were you thinking about me?" questions Pippin, "I'm not very interesting, Merry."
Merry smiles. "Oh, Pippin," he stands and puts his hands on Pippin's shoulders, "You're perfect."
"But, Merry, I don't understand. Here we are in this beautiful city, after a dangerous quest, surrounded by brave and noble people. You have so many other things to think about, but you choose me."
"Do you know why that is?" Merry asks. He swallows. He is unable to hide his feelings any longer, yet he worries in case Pippin rejects his affections.
"No, Merry," the young hobbit responds, "I have no idea."
"It's because I love you, Pergerin Took," Merry tells him, "I really, really love you and you are the only thing that matters. I don't care about anything else."
Pippin blinks, and then smiles. "I-I love you too, Merry," he says quickly, stuttering nervously.
Merry gasps. "You… You do?"
"Of course," says Pippin, "Y-you're my Merry, and we're best friends forever."
Merry watches, disheartened, as Pippin hurriedly leaves the room. He can almost feel his heart breaking. I should have expected that, he thinks, Pip's too young to understand love, and even if he did he would never love me back.
That night Pippin lies in bed, staring up at the ceiling, with a strange feeling inside him. He is dwelling on his talk with Merry earlier on that day, and he cannot sleep. There was something about the look in his friend's eyes when he said that he loved him, something that Pippin has never seen before. He looked so sincere and so incredibly sad.
He hasn't been idle. Although people may call him a fool, Pippin is very aware of what happens around him. He has seen Merry walking aimlessly through corridors; he has heard him sighing to himself when he thinks no one is there. Pippin has noticed Merry's change in behaviour since they got back to Minas Tirith, and he knows now why his cousin is so distant.
"He loves me," Pippin whispers to himself, a broad smile spread across his face, "Merry loves me."
He sits up, biting his lip, and decides that he has to do something about it.
Merry has managed to sleep a little tonight, but as is always the way he has been awoken many times by his dreams. Even though they are not nightmares he is scared by them, because he knows his thoughts are wrong, even if there is no lust involved and it is just a deep love for his cousin.
There is a tentative knock on the wooden door. Merry sits up in bed, confused, and gulps. Who could it be at this time of night?
"Come in," he says, a little hesitantly.
The door slowly opens and Pippin enters. His hair is tousled and he is clad in one of the white nightshirts provided by the people of Minas Tirith. Merry feels a lump form in his throat as he looks into his cousin's clear green eyes. They are wide but tired and filled with kindness.
They stare at each other for a while, not knowing what to say.
"Pip," says Merry eventually, "What are you doing here? Are you all right?"
Pippin doesn't say anything. He walks towards the bed and climbs in beside Merry, wrapping the covers around him. He rests his head on Merry's chest and closes his eyes. Merry sighs and puts his arm around his cousin. He gently strokes his back and kisses the top of his head. This proximity is enough to make all of his worries go away.
"I love you, Merry," Pippin whispers, "And not just as a friend, or a cousin. I'm in love with you."
Merry sighs. "Is this another dream?"
"No, Merry, this is real. And I mean it. I've loved you for a long time, although I hadn't realised how much."
"Pippin," says Merry, "What will our friends think when they find out?"
"Love is love, Merry, no matter what. It shouldn't matter. And if they judge us because of it, they don't deserve to be our friends. I will never leave your side, even if the whole world is against us. You're my Merry."
Merry smiles. "And you're my Pippin," he replies, "Oh, I really love you."