I'll be Waiting
Ecstasy is all you need
Living in the big machine now
Oh you're so vain
Now you're world is way too fast
Nothings real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care
Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God its good to be alive
I'm torn in Pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you
Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
Its hard to deal
I still love the way you feel
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got
I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you.
Big Machine by the Goo Goo Dolls
Harry lay, alone, between the sheets of his bed. He sighed and looked over at the clock which read nearly half past 2 in the morning.
He was late. But then he was always late.
Harry stretched out on the large double bed and felt lonely, not only because Draco hadn't shown, he was used to that. But also because he felt something Draco didn't.
It had started easily enough. A dark night, alone in a room, no one to interrupt. To be honest what did the teachers expect with two teenage boys?
"We must really look like we despise each other" Harry mused while he lay waiting in the dark.
For both of them it had been a bit of fun to begin with. They were young, inexperienced and willing to try anything. And it had been fun, and still was, probably more so than ever.
Things changed though for Harry. He had always needed love and comfort from people. His close friends were people he loved and who loved him back, and he didn't appear to have friends that were any less than his best.
And he didn't have any enemies that were any more than his worst.
But he had a lover, and he wasn't sure what he was at all.
Harry knew something had changed in him.
Sex wasn't JUST sex anymore. He felt like spending more time with Draco, just talking to him, getting to know him. Draco had thought this was a good idea as well but he wasn't as keen on it as Harry was. He preferred the sex.
Gradually, Harry realised he wanted more than a quick shag from Draco every now and again. He wanted closeness, and friendship, and memories to look back on with each other. He wanted Draco as his.
He was in Love. But that was OK, he could deal with it.
He didn't really know WHY he loved him, he couldn't say. Despite the fact Draco was always his number one enemy and enjoyed making his and his friends lives a misery he loved him. Despite the fact he was nasty to pretty much everyone, ordered and bossed them about, and looked down on Muggle Born's or non pure blood families he loved him. Despite all his sins and bitterness, he loved him and Harry didn't understand it, especially because he knew in his heart it would never be returned.
He loved him even though he was made to sit, waiting for him night after night. Left to stew, like he was there at Draco's disposal and he could turn up whenever he felt like it.
But love makes us blind. Harry didn't see this, and continued to wait, night after night for someone...or something...
Harry often wondered why Draco ever turned up at all, why it had all started in the first place.
Draco had hated him and Harry hated Draco. Harry had even thought once that Draco was slightly scared of him even though he would never admit it.
Maybe it was because he wanted what he couldn't have. Nothing was too much of a challenge for Draco Malfoy, and usually he was right. He knew he looked good, and that everyone, male or female lusted after him. But he also knew it was the same with Harry, and so he wanted what he couldn't have and that everyone else wanted as well. He'd be the one to have Harry.
And that's all it really was. It wasn't real, and it wouldn't last.
But Harry had ignored the rules and fallen for the one person he shouldn't have. He was in love with Draco Malfoy and he didn't feel the same. Or did he? Harry had to ask, what would be the worst that could happen?
That's why he mentioned it casually in conversation one day. He hadn't said he Loved him, he just asked if Draco thought it could be possible one day. But Draco didn't like questions about feelings or the future. He lived for the moment and had got angry with Harry.
Harry never attempted it again but Draco had turned his anger into lust and their sex became more desperate and needy than before.
Something had changed, but it wasn't the change Harry had wanted.
Maybe Draco didn't trust Harry. Maybe he thought if he told him too much he would be vulnerable, and Draco never liked to appear anything but In Control.
But he kept seeing him, and Harry kept loving him. Just the same as before.
Harry gave up on ever getting the same kind of feeling from Draco, and he told himself he didn't need it. He could love him without him knowing and he didn't need the feeling in return for things to be how he wanted. Things WERE how he wanted them. He had Draco...so what if he didn't feel quite the same as Harry did?
But love makes us blind don't forget...
Harry looked again at the clock. Nearly 3am. Still no Draco.
"Where are you Draco" he thought sadly "This is tearing me apart"
Harry had come to realise all the things he had refused to see before, but still he loved him. Love was one of those things you just couldn't control.
Just as Harry began to drift off to sleep he heard the door creak open slowly.
"So NOW he shows up" Harry thought keeping his eyes shut, feigning sleep "Come for the sex and he will leave as quickly as he came""Harry?" Draco was kneeling next to the bed, stroking some of the stray strands that covered Harry's face back behind his ears "Harry are you awake?"
Harry let his eyes open slowly and he looked at Draco, his face cast in shadow. He took in the soft lines of his perfect face, his gorgeous eyes, his slow but honest smile, and his heart melted.
Harry smiled back and shut his eyes again, logging that face away in his mind so he could look back on it whenever he wanted. Just to remember.
"I'm sorry I'm late" he whispered as he got onto the bed next to Harry and began to stroke his cheek gently, coaxing him to open his eyes again.
When he didn't, Draco leaned in and captured Harry's lips in a kiss, a gentle but lust filled kiss that Harry arched into and he sighed softly against Draco's touch.
Draco pulled away and looked at Harry.
"You're too tired tonight aren't you?" he stated, noting how pale Harry looked "I'm really sorry I kept you waiting"
Harry didn't reply for a minute or two, deciding what his best response should be.
"Its not that I'm tired" he said turning away to look at the bare wall, not wanting to lose his self control and forgetting to say what had to be said.
"What's the matter?"
"I need you to tell me something" Harry said quietly "I need to you to tell me where this is all going. What the point of it all is."
"I- don't- oh Harry, not this again" Draco grumbled, rolling over onto his back and staring at the ceiling "I don't understand why this is so important to you. Surely its enough that we're having fun right?"
"But I'm NOT having fun Draco, not like this. Not when you stand me up all the time and you saunter in whenever you feel like it and take what you need and then just saunter out again. I'm not a toy Draco" Harry was beginning to raise his voice a little, it was the only thing he could do to stop himself crying. He didn't know why he was so upset over this, but he had had enough.
"I never said you were. I said I was sorry-"
"You always say you're sorry, and I always believe you, and then you go and do it again. It isn't fair Draco"
"You never minded before!" Draco yelled sitting up and glaring at the back of Harry's head.
"No! Because I didn't feel differently to you before!"
"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense!"
"I love you Draco? Cant you tell? I love you...and well...I'm sorry. I know its not what you wanted, but I cant keep this up under false hopes you'll ever feel the same." Harry lost the battle he'd been fighting and a tear made its way slowly down his cheek.
Draco was silent. He watched the tear streak down Harry's face and suddenly felt numb.
Draco would never feel the same. Harry was right.
Draco left without saying anything. He left as quickly as he came.
And Harry still lay in the bed, waiting for something that would never come...
Nothings real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
I'm torn in Pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you
It was set out much nicer than that in word, so forgive me.
Another very random fic...im doing alot of them at the moment, i'll get over it soon enough.
Anyways, usual old babble...im lame...blah blah...read other fics blah blah...and review...most important one!
And yes, Goo Goo Dolls ARE my favourite band...hehe!