"Do you love me?'
The question escapes his lips before he can stop it. She stops slowly tracing circles on his chest, and is still for a while. He marvels at her beauty for a second. As the silence and stillness stretches on he opens his mouth to tell her to forget that he asked, but she speaks before he can get the words out.
"You shouldn't ask me that. We made a deal, that'd be against the rules." She speaks softly and with caution.
"Is that a yes? Or a –"
"That's against the rules."
Her head still rests on his chest in their familiar and comfortable cuddle position. For once neither finds comfort in the embrace, the finality in her voice silences him for a minute.
"Maybe the rules could change?"
His heart beat quickens and he thinks perhaps that maybe she can't feel it thundering in his chest. He knows he thinks wrong for the woman raises her head from his chest and turns and looks him in the eyes. She feels for a moment that she could become lost in the deep blue that they are. She leans forward and kisses his cheek,
"I love you, and you know that. I just can't love you like that...because of him. I'm sorry Eric."
Eric shrugs as casually as he could; he avoids her eyes for he already knows what they hold. Their sympathetic look and regretful glaze could break his heart.
"Just checking" he mutters feebly all the while silently cursing his traitorous mouth for asking such a question. He watches with a sort of morbid fascination as she bits her lip,
"Maybe I should go."
It's a statement, one both of them wish didn't have to be said. Again she kisses his cheek. He moves his hand and grasps hers, he gives it a slight squeeze. Finally meeting her eyes he licks his suddenly dry lips before daring to speak again,
"Goodbye. I'll be waiting for your next call, so that we can...talk again."
His implications make the slightest blush rise to her cheeks; he half-heartedly smiles at the effect of his words. She pulls away from him and begins to stand. She stands and Eric already feels the warmth that filled him while she was close start to ebb away. He feels suddenly cold as she feels more distant as she searches for stray articles of clothing that lie hidden in their dingy motel room. He tries to think of a reason for her to stay longer as she begins to button her blouse, but nothing comes to mind, she slips on her skirt and still his mind is a blank. She waves a goodbye at him as she begins to head for the door, the swaying of her hips mesmerize him.
"Wait!"
The word explodes from his mouth startling them both. He throws off the covers and starts towards her. Eric takes her face in his hands and he kisses her passionately, trying desperately to convey his feelings to her. He smiles as he feels her hands find their way into his hair and onto neck.
She pulls away after a moment; looking flustered she brushes her hair out of her eyes and breathes deeply. Her breathing fills him and he notices that he is in sync with her, his breathe draws at the same time and he thinks that his heart probably beats with hers as well.
"Stay." A simple request that both of them know she cannot fulfill, she shakes her head. Her fingers untangle themselves from his hair and he releases his grip on her waist. She looks at him and speaks with deep regret,
"I can't," she avoids his eyes for a second before she looks back at him and into the clear blue that she loves "I've been gone too long. He might find out, he can't find out. I don't want to leave but its what's best for us. You know that. "
Slowly she pulls away from him; she looks deeply into his eyes again and thinks not for the first time that she chose wrong. That she was supposed to be with him.
"He doesn't have to know. I can't stay away from you... I don't want to stay away from you." Eric leans in for another kiss, but she turns her head and takes a step back. He brushes only the side of her cheek. He nods defeated. She leans in for a hug, gripping him with a sudden desperation. They finally let go of each other and with an air of finality and she turns and walks the few paces to the door. She reaches for the doorknob and speaks for what feels like the last time,
"Goodbye, Eric."
He nods although she can't see it.
"Goodbye Mel."
She leaves the room and he pulls back the curtains to watch her start up her car. He thinks not of the amazing afternoon they had or the past ones as she pulls out. Nor of the ones that he hopes are to come. He thinks simply of how his angel will lie with him tonight. How he too will be graced by her beauty.
All of the sudden the world seems a little more dreary and a little less colourful. He sighs a pitiful release of despair which had built up inside him. He turns from the window and speaks the words that have gotten him through some of the toughest times in his life. "No regrets" the words fall flat in the air, they are hollow without their usual conviction.
Suddenly he feels the need for a nice stiff drink, seeing the half empty bottle of her favourite white wine he decides to pour two glasses. He ends up downing both of them and the void in heart in which she usually resides grows smaller for a second, he pours another drink and again speaks the words,
"No regrets." Chuckling mirthlessly he downs the glass in a single gulp. He pours another hoping to fill her place in his blackened heart.
"Thanks that was fun. Don't forget, no regrets. Except maybe one, made a deal not to feel"
Thanks That Was Fun – Barenaked Ladies
Okay so after hearing these lyrics this story just sort of formed in the back of my mind. Hopefully it wasn't too heinous.
Any feedback I can get will help improve my writing, so positive or negative please review.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
- Vicki :)