Breaking Just Above Even 1
A/N: No one cares, but I've been stuck on a piece of exposition for Animus Duo for over a year now. Not even kidding. It's not writer's block, it's a writer's spike strip.
Anyway, here's this; a thing I did because I reallllllly don't give a fuck. XD
The title started out as a Breaking Bad pun, but I realized it didn't make sense. So it was gonna be 'Breaking Good' but that doesn't make sense ether. Gaining superpowers and calling the story 'Breaking Even' seemed ungrateful, so that's why the title is what it is. Just Above Even.
-
'Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone!' Chimed my cellphone. The ring tone already told me who it was, my good friend Daniel. I clicked the green button, and another one to put it on speaker.
"Oi, you coming yet Larson?" Daniel's deep voice comes out of the piece of plastic with only a slight hint that he's on the move.
"No, I'm not. You told me seven thirty." I reply annoyed. We were headed up to play laser tag with some friends in the city, and apparently I was late.
"So, you ever plan on coming? Or are we gonna walk there?"
"You're a track star, I'm sure you could handle it." I snark back.
'Well, I'd rather roll up in a bomb-ass caddy, if you get what I'm saying."
"It's a Bonneville, bro." I reminded him.
"There is a house in New Orleans too, you wanna know what it's called?"
I sigh. "Could it be called The Rising Sun?"
"Good guess. Have you left yet?"
"Yeah, yeah..."
It didn't take long before I got to his house, and soon we were on the road again, singing Lonely Island songs. Daniel was sitting beside me, wearing a white tank-top and black sweatpants, for ease of movement. I was wearing something between a sweatshirt and a polo, and a dark pair of jeans. After a rousing rendition of Boombox, Daniel turns down the radio.
"Broseph, you know they brought back Toonami, right?" Dan asks, looking at me excitedly.
I shrugged, "Yeah. Why, what do they have on there now?"
"Oh you know. Samurai Jack, Code Lyoko, Teen Titans..." Dan listed a few things off as I drove, not paying particularly close attention to him.
I don't think ether of us will forget what happened next. Time slowed to a crawl as the pickup in the other lane swerved to avoid some animal, putting him right in front of us. We finished the final chord of the song around the time of impact. Last thing I remember was the smell of burning gas.
And the blackness, that too. To be quite honest, my first thought was how many balls was I tripping and when did I get that way? Too bad some guy's voice broke me out of my haze.
It's not even like people are gonna be surprised.
Wait, hang on, what's happening?
You died.
Obviously not, as I'm having a conversation with you right now. And appear to be blind.
You're not blind.
That's a relief-
YOU'RE DEAD.
You said that already.
I...You...look, are you going to let me drop my cryptic hints or what?
Sure man, go for it.
Oh thank you, you're so magnanimous.
I try.
Anyway.
It's not like anyone should be surprised. I mean, isn't that how comic books work? Hero experiences some sort of tragedy, then starts wearing tights and fighting crime with optional superpowers?
..I guess?
That was rhetorical, twit.
But you're not like that, are you?
…
...That one wasn't rhetorical.
Oh. Well, I mean, if I'm getting superpowers or something, I think I can stomach being a good guy.
...Well, good on ya, then.
...what?
I was preparing a cryptic monologue about good and evil and responsibility and everything, but it looks like it's unnecessary. I mean, I don't have a problem with you being evil if you want, but the idea of bringing you back is that you get powerful.
And villains never seem to...well, win.
Exactly. So get powerful, go become somebody worth something, then we can talk about going home.
...Home?
Yeah. Oh, and don't mention this to Dan, I had to give him a slightly different talk. Because he's not an asshole.
...I'd be offended, but I'm too busy being dead.
Ohh, NOW you notice!
...You are the most immature god-like entity I've ever met.
Met a lot, have you?
...Well, I know some girls that could be considered-
Annnnnnnd that's where I shove you out the door.
Before I can even get a sarcastic word in edgewise, I'm overcome with several things all at once. First, the inky blackness that was my world rapidly gave way to a blinding white light. Then, as if life decided to yank back on the FOV slider, I get a horrible case of nausea as my eyes dial back to show me a nice, clear sky with grey and black rectangles stretching into it like bony fingers.
I tried to bend over and retch, when I realized I was already on the ground.
...Oh, those are buildings!
I quickly realized I was lying flat on my ass on a bit of sidewalk. Sitting up, I immediately regret every decision I've ever made in life as the nausea returns and the blood rushes to my head. As my body nicely decided not to have me be sick all over the sidewalk, I took a quick stock of my faculties. First, why does it feel like someone's laying on my legs-?
Oh, someone's lying on my legs. Well, that was easy.
As my mysterious partner rolled off me with a familiar groaning noise, I shake a suspicious cold feeling off of my lower half. Before I can check to see if I actually lost circulation, my body begins to warm again rapidly. Interesting.
"Urrrgghhfferff," Said the suspicious man, whom I quickly identified as Daniel. Okay, he's alive, that's good.
I squinted my eyes in the light as I tried to discern where we were. There was definitely some building action going on here, the sky was a nice blue and not some weird purple color, and the humanoid bystanders were walking down the street with the kind of indifference only someone from the city can comprehend. Yay, we're still among humans. I have a feeling we didn't drop into any alternate universes, so we're still somewhere on Earth. The billboard just down the road is advertising something in English, so that leaves the UK, US and Canada. It's too warm for Canada, and not rainy enough for the UK.
Judging by the costal nature of wherever the hell we are, we're ether in New York, or California. And I haven't been mugged in the last thirty seconds, so I'm guessing Cali. Which doesn't help me at all, because how the fuck did we get to California?
As Daniel finally rouses into something coherent, I stand up and once again regret ever having legs. As the pins-and-needles feeling is causing a riot in my lower body, Daniel rumbles to his feet as well.
"Urghh, what happened? Weren't we just in a car crash?" Daniel says, his familiar booming bass voice getting my attention.
"Ahh, yeah-" I begin to say, before Daniel shudders.
"What?" I ask. As soon as I do, Daniel makes another motion like he was pushed.
"Dude, what's with the wind here?" Daniel asks me, furrowing his brow. He didn't make a motion like he was pushed, this time.
"I don't know, I haven't-" I stop when Daniel actually has to take a step back. I don't finish the sentence, as Daniel's weird look falls on me.
"Dude...is it you?" He asks, very carefully.
"...No?" I test, as Daniel blinks.
"...No, it's definitely you. I've been getting hit with wind every time you say something."
...Huh.
"...Huh." That's all I can manage to say. Daniel blinks from the wind, apparently.
We stand there a little longer, completely silent, before I speak up while turning my head to the side to protect Dan, "Well, my legs were cold where you were laying on them. Do you feel cold?"
Daniel takes a moment to process what I said, before touching the back of his palm to his forehead. "I don't feel anything."
I take an experimental touch, hoping I don't get flash-frozen or something. As soon as my finger touches his body, the only thing I can think of is coldcoldcoldholyshitcold.
"Fuck!" I exclaim as I quickly pull my arm back.
As I'm nursing my freeze-burn, Daniel smirks. "So, I'm a touch chilly now. I think this is the first time people gained superpowers for a car accident, eh?"
"Riiiight," I trail off, looking around the street some more.
"Daniel, do you notice a distinct lack of...burning car? Death?" I strain my eyes, idly wondering if we were somehow thrown across a half-dozen states. Presumably picking up superpowers from the birds.
I don't see Daniel do that furrowed brow look again, but it comes across well enough in his voice, "Huh. You're right, I'm noticing a distinct lack of burnination."
Before I could slap him for saying that out loud, a giant fucking scorpion tears down the street a block away and into an alley chasing after a skinny white blond, naturally.
...Huh.
I look at Daniel, "Think that's something we should check out?"
Dan gives me a deadpan stare, "Plot Plotplotplotplot."
… "You're fucking weird, dude."
After a moment of awkward silence, we give chase.
Goddammit, this was a horrible idea.
We chased the monster and girl through two alleys and outside on town, and I was already apocalypcally tired after the first alley. Only barely registering that we seemed to be in some kind of canyon, I call out to Dan.
"Any ideas?" I shout to him as he stumbles. Oh right, Kinetic Voice Powers, those.
"Stop shouting at me, first!" Dan yells back, well ahead of me.
"Okay!" I yell back, smirking.
Daniel only grimaces as he regains his balance, "Why don't you try knocking big, fat and ugly over up here, instead of me?!" He yells.
...Well, what's the worst that could happen? I plant my feet and take a gigantic breath before my body realizes I should be out of it, and shout the first thing I can think of.
"HEY CUMFAGGOT!" I try my best to project my voice as best as my little choirboy voice can allow.
So, good news, I actually do have superpowers. I can tell, because my shout can actually be seen via ripples in the air. Daniel, being a smart cookie, jumped out of the way of the train coming at him. The scorpion was not as smart, and as my shout came into contact with him he flipped ass-forward onto his back. I stay on my feet only barely, and see Daniel roll back onto his feet and...
...jump on the scorpion. Before I can ready another shout, I see Daniel slap his hand town on the scorpion and freeze it solid.
I was distracted by the new ice sculpture, so I didn't notice Daniel hop off. Didn't notice the blond girl and the big-ass rock.
I did, however, notice the rock crush the ice-scorpion into little tiny bits.
...Yeah, that works, I guess.
It's only now I realize how tired I am. This may or may not be because my body helpfully decided to crumple to the ground now that the danger's gone.
Daniel's breathing a bit more heavily, but he's certainly still on his feet, "C'mon man, it's rude to just go to sleep with company over." The blond girl we were originally attempting to help laughed.
Deciding to save my brain power for the upcoming conversation, I mutter, "Fuck you."
This was marginally less effective with a mouth full of dirt. Which only served to make Little Miss Rock Crusher laugh harder, of course.
I hate all of you.
Suddenly, the earth I was munching on rushed up to meet the air, helpfully deciding to take me along for the ride. Fearing for my life, I bravely decided to continue chewing soil until my rocky elevator came to a stop. Rolling over to my back, I stare up at the clear blue sky and deliberate facing whatever in the world I'm about to see, or curling up and having a little cry.
Just as I assumed the fetal position, some very cold hands hefted me to my feet. Although crying isn't exactly a sign of maturity, I feel that at this point shutting my eyes so tight they hurt was going a bit too far into juvenile territory.
To be fair, I didn't want to somehow verify with sight what I was hearing.
Now, it's been a long time since I watched cartoons. Code Lyoko, Adventure Time, Teen Titans and all the shows like that seemed like just an amusing thing of the past. So hearing a Geomancer getting excited and naming every single Teen Titan; Robin, Beast Boy, Raven, Cyborg and Starfire, and then introducing herself as Terra, made me almost sick to my stomach.
So many things hit me all at once, I could've vomited out of stress, which is not a pleasant thought.
First, Daniel and I have superpowers. I have the power to blow things away with my voice or something, and Daniel is some kind of fledgling cryomancer. I don't even...This hurts my brain to thing about, I'm moving on.
Second, we're probably dead. I'm not suffering from any amnesia, which means we did get into a car wreak, we did end up in a place with no sign of said wreak, and this is exactly how most Self-Insert stories go. This is one I'm more evenly split on my feelings; On one hand, everyone I know besides Daniel is likely dead or in such a state that I'll never see them again. On the other hand...I'm on track to being a Teen Titan, which has a halfway decent standard of living attached to it.
Third, I am so not prepared for this. If I woke up in, say, Fire Emblem's world or Persona 4's, I would be much better off. I barely remember the Teen Titans! Hell, the only thing I remember is Terra betraying the Titans, and Cyborg going off to spy on the BEEHIVE or whatever the fuck that was even called.
Huh. Maybe I can volunteer for that actually. Sounds like fun.
As I begin to list more things off to myself, I notice Daniel beginning to speak, "Yo. I'm Daniel ******, and this is my friend Adam."
At the sound of my name I snap back to reality (whoop, there goes gravity), "What? Oh, yeah, Hi." I wave spastically. I'm working up a decent panic here, okay?
...OH FUCK RAVEN'S AN EMPATH SHIT SHIT SHIT
Before I begin hyperventilating, Daniel takes initiative again, "We actually just came to town, though we dunno why. Me and him," he motions to me as I try frantically not to look frantic, "Woke up on the sidewalk about an hour ago. Dunno how we got here."
I think I hear Terra or Starfire or fucking God maybe say something like 'Woaaahhhhh' but I'm too busy trying to calm the hell down. Tragically, my brain is working at somewhere approaching warp speed, which isn't good on the rest of my body.
"Don't..freak out." I say, breathlessly. The assorted company quiets to hear my next words.
"I'm...going down. See you guys later-"
Just like that, it's black all over again.
What a lovely start.
–
A/N: OpenOffice says apocalypically isn't a word. I care not.