Hello everybody! This is my first foray into Waterloo Raod fanfic, so I hope you like it.
Prologue
It's raining, as Rachel crosses the car park. The rain is slicing across the landscape, cold bullets hitting the tarmac with repetitive precision. She opens the car door and slips inside. She lifts her bag over her lap and sets it on the empty passenger seat. Rachel brings her hand up to her forehead, massaging it with her palm. It's been a long first day of term and she's tired. Today has been hard, what with the merger not going completely to plan and with Lindsay and Emily's father dying. There has been so much mess today and all Rachel wants to do is go home, have a glass of wine and talk it through her can't talk it through, though, because the only person waiting for her at home is Philip and she can't really talk to him about this, now can she?
She knows who she wants to talk to. She wants to talk to him desperately, it's like an ache in her chest, and yet she knows she can't. If she calls him, she won't be able to let go of him again, like she already has. Anyway, it would be wrong, because she's got to let him live his life, with his child put first and not her. Rachel has got to give him that one chance. If she is being honest - really, really honest – she would say she misses him. But she doesn't want to be honest, she wants to live in denial-land, where it doesn't really matter that Eddie's gone.
Her head snaps up when a fist is tapped on the glass of the car window. She sees Kim smiling at her from under an umbrella and leans over to open the passenger side door. Kim's head appears and Rachel puts on a fake smile. "Hello, Kim." Rachel says, brightly – in complete odds to the weather. It wasn't this miserable earlier, but it seems to be mirroring Rachel's mood.
"I just wanted to ask if you have the advanced schedule for next month's course." Kim asks, and Rachel sighs. She received the schedule for the fire safety course in that morning's post, but she's forgotten to hand it to Kim, the member of staff tasked with attending. Rachael nods, watching the rain make patterns on the window next to her.
"Yeah, but I've left it in my office. I'll put it in your pigeon hole tomorrow." Kim nods, and looks like she's about to go, but then her face appears in the car doorway again.
"Rachael, are you okay? You look really pale." As Kim speaks, Rachel's eyes flick to the car mirror and she notices that she actually does look quite pale. She puts it down to how hard she's worked herself today.
"Yeah, yeah don't worry. I'll be okay." She says, nodding to back up her words. Kim nods, and Rachel can tell she wants to say something, but is hesitating. "Go on, Kim; say whatever you want to say. I'm sure I won't mind." For a second, Rachel thinks that Kim will make her apologises and leave, but she doesn't.
"The new guy, what's-his-name – oh, Max. Yeah, Max. He's really different to Eddie isn't he? I mean, like as different as two blokes could be, right?" Rachel closes her eyes; she's almost expected someone to mention Eddie today, and she has been vaguely surprised that no one has mentioned him. 'Till now, that is.
Rachel nods, and gives Kim a strained smile. "Oh, yes, Mr Tyler and Eddie are completely different." Kim seems to sense that mentioning Eddie has upset Rachel, but she knows better than to bring it up.
"Okay," Kim announces, glancing over her shoulder. "I'd better be going." Rachel nods at her colleague as Kim turns back out into the rain. As soon as Kim is out of sight, Rachel slumps back in her seat. She feels like utter, utter crap, but still, she makes herself sit up straight, switch the car on and drive home. By the time she's arrived at her house, the rain has seemed to have stopped. She grabs her bag and opens her car door. She makes her way to the door, fumbling in her bag for her keys until she finds them. She opens the door quickly and shuts it behind her.
"I'm home, Philip." Rachel calls out into the near empty home. When he doesn't answer, she assumes that he's gone out somewhere. She's too tired to create any theories as to why and she decides she'll call him if he doesn't call or turn up by nine. She walks in the kitchen, hanging up her coat as she comes through. She opens a cupboard and pulls out a bottle of wine. Rachel isn't the sort of person who drinks wine at half six in the evening immediately after returning home from work, but she needs it today – her first day back at work without Eddie, and it didn't go well at all. She's at odds with Max already – she doesn't like his teaching style or him as a person – and the merger is turning into a disaster.
She pours the wine into a glass and sets it on the table. She pulls a chair out and sinks into a chair. Just as she raises the wine glass to her lips, she feels a wave of nausea overtake her. She drops the glass and it shatters into a thousand tiny pieces, the red liquid seeping on to the table, but she doesn't notice as she rushes from the kitchen. She gets to the toilet just in time to empty the contents of her stomach. When she's finished, she leans up against the wall, her knees drawn up to her chest. The nausea is gone now, and she just feels drained. She searches as she what has just caused her to throw up. She hasn't eaten any dodgy food recently, neither has a bug been passing round the school, to the most of her knowledge.
Then she sees the pile of unopened toiletries in the half open cupboard and it hits her like a sledge hammer to the guts. She's late. She's late and she just threw up. She knows what that possibly means, she's not stupid. Once again, Rachel wants desperately to go to denial-land, but she can't, because it won't all go away if she closes her eyes. She has to know, one way or another.
She stands, shakily, and flushes the loo. She washes her hand and she watches her fingers shaking under the cold spray. She wants to reassure herself that everything will be okay, but she knows that it probably won't be. Eddie's gone, how could it be okay?
She takes her coat off of the hook and puts it on. Just as she's about to leave, she hears a key scratching the lock in the back door. She waits for a few seconds, until Philip appears, framed by the dark in the kitchen doorway. "Hi, Rachel." He acknowledges, and she smiles at him. "You going out?" He says, gesturing at her coat and the keys poised in her hand.
Rachel nods, and Philip nods back. Before she can say another word, he turns and darts up the stairs. She calls after him. "I'll be back soon."
She swings open the front door and walks down her front path. The air is moist and crisp and Rachel guesses that it will rain later. Rachel just hopes it won't rain whilst she's walking to the shops.
As she's walking down her road, she weighs up her situation. She could be pregnant with Eddie's child. Could is the all-important word because if she's not, things will be much simpler. But would it? Eddie would still be gone and Rachel would still be in love with a ghost. Eddie's a ghost to her now, and his memory keeps fading every single day she lives without him. She's scared that one day she'll wake up and she won't remember how he used to make her feel when he held her, how much she cherished his whispered I love you's, said to her in the middle of the night when he thought she was sleeping. She never thought she could miss a person as much as she misses him right at this moment. She knows she loves him, and that makes it all so much worse.
She's so caught up in her own thoughts; she nearly walks straight past the pharmacy. She stares at the door for a few seconds, until she realises she's blocking the entrance. She goes in and her eyes are instantly drawn to the display that is pride of place in the middle of the pharmacy. She reads the words on the poster – do you think your expecting? - as she feels another wave of nausea run rampant. She gags, hoping against hope she will not throw up in the shop. The nausea passes after a few seconds, and Rachel makes her way the stand. She reads the words again, and the reality of the situation hits her. She could be pregnant. a 's baby. She sighs and picks up a handful of tests. There's only one way to find out.
She weaves her way to the counter, past endless displays. She sets the tests down on the counter and the cashier gives her a beaming smile. Rachel doesn't return it. She gratefully pays and sweeps the tests into her handbag. She hurries from the shop; she doesn't want anyone catching her here, because there would be a lot of explaining to do if she ran into a student or a colleague right now.
She walks quickly home, wanting to get it all over and done with. When she gets to the front door, she accidently lets the keys slip out of her fingers and they fall to the ground. She grumbles and picks them up. Rachel inserts them into the lock and hears it turn. She removes the keys and swings the door open. She calls to Philip again, and gets a vacant 'yes', as a reply.
Rachel dumps her handbag on the table, and removes the tests from within. She considers hiding them under her jumper, so that Philip doesn't see them, but she can't be bothered with the secrecy. If she is pregnant, she can't keep it from him for long. She wonders what he will think if she tells him she's having Eddie's baby as well as his mum.
She trudges up the stairs and into the bathroom. Then, she locks the door and she proceeds to open each test. She takes each one, one after the other, setting them upside down on the rim of the bath when she's done. Rachel washes her hand and perches on the toilet seat, nervously watching the three minutes tick down.
It seems like the longest three minutes she has ever endured, but when it ends, she waits a few more seconds until she turns them over. Rachel gasps when she sees the four tests, all in a row, each informing her in their own special way that she's pregnant. She reaches for one of the tests, but her coordination seems to have failed her and she knocks the test into the bath instead, and it hits the fibreglass with a resounding thud. The test rattles around the smooth tub for few moments longer before coming to a halt.
She's pregnant.
She feels a tear slide down her cheek as she comes to terms with the revelation. She wonders how far she's gone and how she hasn't noticed it before. She must be about six or seven weeks, because there hasn't been anyone since Eddie, and this also makes it crystal clear as to the identity of the father. It has to be Eddie.
Her legs turn to jelly and she crashes to the ground. Rachel curls up in a ball, as the tears start falling in earnest now. Melissa probably hasn't even given birth yet, and here Rachel is pregnant with the same man's child. Their father would be so proud - if he still actually talked to Rachel, that is, which he doesn't. Rachel's not sure if he even talks to Melissa these days. Their family is just so perfect.
She sits up, wiping away her tears. There's nothing she can do now to change her situation. She's pregnant and there's nothing she can do to stop that. She gets to her feet slowly, feeling wobbly. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realises that she looks a state.
She splashes her face with water, the spray mixing with her tears so that they become indistinguishable from each other. Rachel straightens up and makes one of the biggest decisions of her life, all in a snap second.
She isn't going to tell Eddie. He's just started his life with Melissa and their child; she doesn't want to ruin that with her own news. Even though Eddie is the father, Rachel just can't face telling him that she's carrying his child, so she's not going to. She knows it's selfish but she just can't, she really can't.
She gathers the tests up and dumps them in the bin. Before she unlocks the door and leaves the safe haven the room has become, Rachel puts her hand on her stomach, marvelling at the tiny baby that is developing under her fingertips. She's going to be a mother. She can't quite believe it.
She unlocks the door and crosses the hall to Philip's bedroom. She pauses outside, her fist in mid-knock. She cannot work out how to tell him. She isn't going to do a Melissa, she knows that; she's not going to wait until she gets a bump to tell him – no, she has to do it, now, really. Rachel knocks, her knuckles rapping on the wood with quiet uncertainty. Philip calls 'come in' from within, as Rachel nervously wrings her fingers together. She pushes the door open, and comes face to face with her nephew.
"I…I…I," She starts, stumbling over her words. "I wanted a word." Philip looks up from his laptop, shutting the lid a few seconds later, when he sees Rachel's pale face.
"Is this about the spilt wine on the kitchen table? I cleaned it up, but it wasn't me, I swear. I don't know what happened-" Before Philip can ramble any further, Rachel stops him in his tracks.
"That was me, Philip. Thank you for clearing it up." She takes a deep breath, taking a couple of steps into the room, over to his bed. As she speaks, she starts smoothing out his bedcovers, giving her hands something other than squeezing the life out of each other to do. "Philip, I've got something quite important to tell you." She tries to form the words, but her mouth goes dry and the words won't come out.
"What is it, Rach?" Philip asks, and Rachel can hear the concern in his tone. He's turned his chair now, so that he's looking straight at her, which she finds worse. It was easier staring at the back of his head instead of his face.
"I'm…" She starts, but again the words just dry up on the way from her brain to her mouth. She looks away from Philip, her eyes fixing on a chimney in the far distance out of the window.
"Rachel?"
"I'm pregnant." She blurts out, and instantly feels a weight lift off of her shoulders. She's told Philip, the first step in accepting it herself. He looks at her for a long moment, and Rachel feels like a deer in headlights. She's got no idea how he's going to react.
"And it's Eddie Lawson's, isn't?" The accusation catches Rachel unawares. Her eyes flick back and meet Philip's and she doesn't even have to say a word, because she communicates her answer just with her gaze. She speaks anyway.
"Yes. The baby is his." Rachel says, slowly. Philip nods, awkwardly.
"Before you asks, no, I don't know where he and mum went." It's Rachel's turn to nod, taking in Philip's statement.
"I don't know either."
"What are you going to do?"
"I've really got no idea, Philip. I wish I could say I did…" She pauses and looks up at her nephew. She can see the question in his eyes, and she answers it before he can say it.
"No," She stops, breathing in deeply. "I'm not going to find him." She stops again, turning to look out the window again. "And no, I'm not going to tell him either." After a long, painful moment, Philip nods, accepting her decision. Rachel herself nods, before she swivels on her heels and exits Philip's room, the door slamming behind her. She slides down the landing wall, until she's sitting on the carpet. She puts her hand to her stomach.
"Oh, what are we going to do?" She whispers, sadly, to her baby; the last thing she has of Eddie left.
…
Please read and review! Chapter one will be up soon!