-1A/N: I'm only going to warn you once: THIS STORY CONTAINS EXTREME "FAIRLY ODD BABY" SPOILERS! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE IN IT'S ENTIRITY AND DO NOT WISH TO SEE ANYTHING CONCERNING THE ADORABLE BABY! THE MOVIE IS ONE HOUR LONG, FOR PETE'S SAKE, WATCH IT FIRST AND THEN COME BACK!
Don't say I didn't warn you. And while we're on that subject, I'm not Butch Hartman, though reading his name now really makes me wish the baby's name was what everyone had thought it was…D:
Anti-Odd Baby
Shaking his head for any loose debris, Anti-Cosmo stalked from Jorgen's bathroom looking completely violated. His shoulders heaved and he shook violently in disgust. He needed a bath. A really, really long bath.
Not bothering to see what shape HP would turn up in, Anti-Cosmo flew back to his evil lair in Anti-Fairy World. It was completely destroyed, of course, but it was still home. A pang of defeat rushed through him as he looked upon the broken infrastructure of his castle. He sighed, taking off his top hat and stealing a moment to look upon his shattered dream. Nothing was ever bound to end well for an Anti-Fairy.
Diving into his dining hall through a hole in the roof, Anti-Cosmo sat down and leaned his head upon the table. The emptiness and shame of a lost victory surrounded him, and he couldn't help but feel that he had let far more than himself down this time.
"Cozzie! You're home!" Anti-Cosmo barely lifted his head to greet his wife as she swooped into the room. Her gnarled teeth were looped into a wide grin as she wrapped her legs about his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. Anti-Cosmo's arms fell about her body naturally, and he was suddenly grateful for her presence. His green eyes took in the sight of her and noticed with a bit of remorse that her eyes were puffy and red. She had cried for him and he hadn't thought of a single person but himself as he made his way down Jorgen's digestive system. In fact, he'd plan-out ignored her since HP showed up offering an alliance. He rubbed his blue head against hers as if to wipe the memories away.
"I missed you, dearest…so much…" he leaned up to kiss her but irritably pulled back when she began to laugh. He dropped his head to hide a blush and pushed her away from him to sit fully back into his chair. Anti-Wanda seemed unperturbed by his behavior and sat on the table, her hand merely inches from his. It was times like this that made Anti-Cosmo wonder if she knew fully well that she was teasing him, or if she simply didn't know how much it hurt him when they rarely touched like this.
Looking about the room with her blank air, Anti-Wanda scratched her head with her foot. "So where's da baby, Cozzie?"
Anti-Cosmo growled and hit his head upon the table, "It's gone, Anti-Wanda. The fairies took him."
Anti-Wanda seemed not to have heard what Anti-Cosmo had said and continued to look about the room as if she planned to see the baby come floating through the doors at any moment. "When's da baby coming? Is it comin' soon?"
Slamming his fist upon the wood, the angry anti-fairy lifted his head and cried, "There is no baby, Anti-Wanda! Cosmo and Wanda have taken their insolent brat back to Earth and are raising him to be perfectly good! I failed…again!"
Concern washed over Anti-Wanda's face before being replaced by a grin. Anti-Cosmo wanted to scream, wanted to make her understand…
"No, silly!" she said, slapping his back playfully, "I means our baby! Where's da Anti-Poof?"
Anti-Cosmo sat extremely still. Turning his head ever-so-slowly, he blinked at his wife, their thoughts flicking back and forth between them and suddenly erupting in identical smiles. "Yes…where is our little AP?"
Jorgen sat at his dinner table with a plate of burritos. He had the mind of a two-year old and had completely forgotten how badly they affected his stomach. Anti-Cosmo poofed into the room and froze at the door. World domination or sanity…
"Puny Anti-Fairy!" Jorgen shouted, banging his meaty fist upon his plate, "You returned in time for me to add some Anti-anchovies to my burritos!"
"No! No! I came to ask you a very serious yet nondiabolical question!" said Anti-Cosmo, shielding his face with his hands.
Pouting, Jorgen snapped his fingers and the burritos disappeared. He stood and balanced his body on his larger-than-life wand. Glaring down at Anti-Cosmo, the commander arched a brow for him to continue.
"Seeing as my counterpart has progeny, I have come to request the date on which my child shall arrive," said Anti-Cosmo, his eye flashing determinedly behind his monocle.
Jorgen frowned suddenly. "Anti-Cosmo…you have pointed out a point which presented to me earlier would have been pointless but is now quite a conundrum of points! Where there is a fairy there must also be an anti-fairy!"
Anti-Cosmo practically glowed. "So? When's it coming?"
Poofing up a calculator, Jorgen tapped in a couple of figures before smiling contently. "Approximately ten business days."
Gasping, Anti-Cosmo shook his head, "But…but I do not go through the natural fathering period? I don't give birth to my own child?"
"Of course not! Are you mad!?!" Jorgen screamed, causing Anti-Cosmo to fall onto his back with the extreme volume, "Anti-Fairies pregnant? I had enough trouble with your fairy copies! Look! Their baby won't even respond to my manly orders!" Jorgen held an obviously stuffed Poof doll in the air and shook it. Anti-Cosmo frowned sorrowfully and flew up to meet Jorgen's massive chest.
"Von Strangle, I have put up with this injustice for far too long! It is only due to my fagiddity glad that Cosmo is alive at all! If I want to have my own anti-fairy, then I should be allowed to! We're not some type of dog that you can just bred for your pleasure…we're what's keeping your world in balance! And if you do not fulfill my demands…"
"STOP USING EXCLAMATION POINTS ON ME!!!" Anti-Cosmo cowered as Jorgen's wand lit up the entire room. "I will grant your wish, Anti-Cosmo, but -"
"But you must tell me how it's dangerous, blah, blah, I'll regret it, blah, blah, I don't know what I've done…"
"You will go through a period of nine months of the most excruciating pain of your immortal life. You will enter a world of -"
"Danger, excitement…blah, blah, more throwing myself into situations of which I cannot fathom the consequences…"
"WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!?!" Jorgen roared. As Anti-Cosmo bowed low and raced out the door, Jorgen's wand came crashing to the ground. And though nothing had physically happened to Anti-Cosmo, he could not help but feel as he flew back to Anti-Fairy World that everything would be changing faster than even a genius could predict.
Jorgen watched Anti-Cosmo fly away into the distance before poofing up a phone.
"Hello? Sweetie? Are you busy right now?"
"No, Jorgen. I just finished picking up my last tooth."
"Good. Do you think I am sometimes -"
"Predictable? Yes, darling. Terribly."