Welcome to
the first edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want to participate?
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Disclaimer:
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respective writers. However, no profit
is sought or will be made from this production.
**********************************
STREETS OF
SEATTLE
May 28, 2019
To our
readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared
by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009
and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.
Editor in
Chief: Jennem1
Managing Editor:
Samcrazy
News Editor:
Cherokee128
Conspiracy
Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie)
Neighborhood
Editor: Norez
Fashion
Editor: AndraMarie
Entertainment
Editor: Jox5
Opinion
Editor: Shnapzie
Black Market
Editor: Showtalk
Chief
Reporter: Ninja650
Sports
Reporter: The Rock
Contributing
Reporter: Weirdarchive
Contributing
Reporter: Willow771
Contributing
Reporter: Olgerth
Contributing
Reporter: Dammachine
Contributing
Reporter: Wonkavator
Contributing
Reporter: Daf9
Contributing
Reporter: Sher1616
**********************************
LOCAL NEWS
MYSTERIOUS
ASSASSIN. ARE KILLINGS RELATED?
By
Cherokee128
Thursday
there was a mass robbery at the Paulnova Estate, Mr. And Mrs. Paulnova along
with their 10-year-old child were murdered. The house was completely looted.
The estate is located 2 miles east of Seattle. There were no witnesses, and the
job was done with terrifying accuracy.
The bodies
were found on Saturday, by the cleaning lady. When asked if she knew of anyone
who would do anything to her employers, she replied "I've only been
working there for a few months, but they were the sweetest people, they were
rich, but they helped the community, I don't know who could do such a
thing"
Mr.
Paulnova's brother in law, Mr. Van Tramp, who lives in the high-rise district
of Seattle, was questioned on Sunday, he was released, and gave us a few
details "My brother in law was a do gooder, he probably just got on
somebody's hit list" But this doesn't explain the looting. This could e
written off as a simple robbery gone badly, but with the Paulnova's high
security, this is not a feasible solution.
Then on
Monday morning, there was another report, almost identical to the Paulnova's.
This time it was Mr. Jeffries. This wealthy owner of Robotics Encorp was murdered
late Sunday. When he didn't arrive at work the next morning, and didn't answer
calls, the police were notified. Once again the house was ransacked. Nothing of
any value was left.
Mr. Kiff,
Mr. Jeffries co-owner addressed the matter to us. "Mark was not careful,
he had all that money, but he didn't spend a cent on security, he was just
asking for this to happen." We have looked into the possibility of a
planned murder, but have no leads. Are these murders/robberies connected??? Are
they crimes for money, nothing more?? Or is it something deeper? We will keep
you updated on this for the next few weeks.
SECTOR
POLICE GETTING OUT OF HAND???
by Ninja650
There have
been reports over the years that the Sector Police have been somewhat "hostile"
to the people who plan on passing through the checkpoints. There have been reports that on some occasions
the situation got violent and there were people hurt in these incidents. But these were viewed as minor situations so no
action was taken in trying to prevent such incidents. The Sector Police now feel a sense of power and
have been doing the same things as no punishment came to them.
In the past
few weeks the number of Sector Police Brutality acts has risen. There have been
more brutality cases in the past month than we have seen in the previous months
from the start of this year combined. We have reports that there was one case
where a man tried to get from Sector 5 to Sector 6 but was denied access and
was eventually beaten to death by the Sector Police.
No witnesses
have come forward about this but we are assuming that the incident took place
as the man became furious as to why he was denied access to pass the Sector
checkpoint. When we questioned one of the guards at the Sector 5/Sector 6 pass
he replied, "We have no recollection of such events. Nothing like that
happened around here." When questioned further, he remarks, "Excuse
me, I have a job to do here." as he pushes away our reporter. The
investigation is taking place now to try to find out the reason for the man's
death and if it was, in fact, the Sector Police who delivered this beating.
**********************************
CONSPIRACY
CONSPIRACY
GIRL
C-G-Double-O-Nuffin
Many are speculating
on the recent murders of the wealthy of Seattle. Some blame it on simple
burglars, others on gangsters, but *we* know better. At first glance we might
see no connection, but I know a guy who knows a guy-no names, and he says the
conspiracy runs much much deeper.
Is this some
sort of evil plan for the government to obtain the money of our wealthy?
Hardly. There is a secret group of elite assassins who have taken it upon
themselves to get rid of all who might know of their existence. They are part
of a top secret governments project. The name "Area 51" ring any
bells? It should. Not only was it used to cover-up the crash landing of alien
spaceships, but it was *also* used as a secret training ground for the very
elite assassins who now plague our city. If anybody asks, I was never here...
**********************************
BLACK MARKET
NEWS FLASH!
By Showtalk
A major
shortage of toilet paper in Seattle has called for urgent measures. Last night,
a group of guerilla raiders, identities unknown, left the city on a quest for
more rolls. 100,000 cases of paper have been located and airlifted to an
unidentified location. Interested parties may contact Jam Pony. Ask for Herbal
Thought and say, "Urgent business." Follow his directions. Purchases
are limited to one case per household.
**********************************
EDITORIAL
FOOD
RATIONING-ARE YOU GETTING YOUR FAIR SHARE?
By Samcrazy
You line
up. You wait. And finally, you eat. A
daily routine for some, one that hasn't changed for months, maybe?
Wrong.
Sparked off
by a recent Eyes Only broadcast, interest has been mounting in the area of food
control and distribution in Seattle. We
here at the Streets of Seattle have been looking into the belief that YOUR FOOD
RATIONS have been getting smaller.
Why, you may
ask? Why was the first question we
asked the Food Dept. of the Seattle council three day ago.
A Mr. R.
Prosser, head of the this particular department was quoted to of saying: 'Ridiculous. Simple rumors started by people who
are...angry at the size of their normal, everyday rations. They believe that in complaining, the
already under funded government will do something about it. We are doing our utmost to keep the rations
going. So, in answer to the original
question, no, the rations have not changed in size at all'
However,
this paper does not believe in going with the words of paid government
employees, so with our team of highly intelligent reports we did background
research. A tip off from a person wishing to call himself Mr. X gave us a lead;
that down at the docks at the dead of night things of interest occur. We sent two reporters to check it out.
After a
stake out for two hours after midnight, a truck drove up to the edge of the
docks, relatively close to our reporters hideout spot. They made out that two cartfuls of covered
packaging were being stored in the compartment of an old oil boat. When we went to investigate, we found
something even more shocking. Over
twenty mothers and children were in the hold of the ship, in dirty, smelly,
cramped conditions. Our guess is that
they are being shipped to other places in the US to be sold, for whatever
purpose.
So what
started off to be a, dare I say it, simple retraction of some food stuffs,
turned into a human smuggling case.
Connections
were also made with other cases of withdrawn necessities like blankets and
clothes, we discovered through other sources that they were being transferred
to various slave ships up and down the ports.
Yes, more
corruption in our town. We here at the
Streets believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and we intend to
discover the full extent of these sorts of cases.
Eyes Only,
if you are out there, continue to root out the many wrong-doings in Seattle,
we'll be listening.
**********************************
OPINION
WHAT
MEMORIAL DAY?
By Shnapzie
Memorial Day
was traditionally this Monday. It was a day to remember those men and women who
made America a better place; a day to reminisce on the lives of passed away
loved ones.
Well, those
of you who are in possession of a current calendar, glance at this coming
Monday. Underneath all your business meetings, black market dealings, and loan
"collecting," do you see the pre-printed item "Memorial
Day"? No, you don't! Memorial Day is no longer an authentic holiday. The
official reason for this is because of "lack of governmental funds."
That is also
the reason why Veteran's Day, Armistice Day, and Independence Day are no longer
recognized federal holidays.
"Lack
of governmental funds" is the reason why these most patriotic of
anniversaries are discontinued. These are the holidays that remind Americans of
times of nationalism. They remind us of when our nation was the world's power,
so great that we would fight and die to defend her.
Is it any
wonder, then, that our current government would have a problem with this type
of memory? In this day of corruption among the higher-ups, any remembrance of
freedom, inalienable rights, and true democracy would be dangerous to their way
of life. The government is grasping at straws for any way to keep the public
from recalling better days.
But this
Monday, on the ghost of past Memorial Days, I will remember, and vow never to
forget the golden years of America's glory.
**********************************
LETTERS TO
THE EDITOR
Dear
Sir/Madam;
I read with
interest your recent editorial on the reduction of the rat population in
Seattle. Perhaps you were basing your figures on Sector 9, the high-rise
district? Because those of us here in Sector 6 seem to have something of an
increase.
Actually, I
think I've figured it out. The helpful military exterminators simply rounded up
all available rats and moved them into the lower-income sectors.
Perhaps you
should check your dictionary. In mine, "relocation" and
"reduction" do not have the same definition.
Sincerely,
Leonard
Raskin
Editor's
reply: While we appreciate that Mr. Raskin sent us proof of his claims, we ask
that readers do not include objects such as rat tails in their future
correspondence.
Dear Sir,
As a member
of the local scool board I wish to urge all your readers to get out and vote on
next weeks school tax levy. It is awful the way so meny chilrun today can
neither read or write good. As parents we must fight to see that our kids get
the same swell education that we did. The rumors that this levy is being used
to send the school board to Italy are ABSOLUTELY unfounded.
Respectfuly
yours,
Anonimus.
Dear Editor,
It has come to
my attention that we've been having repetitive intrusions of unmarked black
Hummers roaring across our streets as if they owned the city. I was walking my
dog in the Safety Zone of Sector Nine when this maniac behind the wheel almost
killed me and my poor Basset Hound The 13th Earl of Summerset. It was bad
enough I had to double check my blood pressure to keep my Medic Alert Badge
from ringing, but my poor pureblood hound suffered such awful stress, I feel he
may never breed to preserve his lineage. I feel it's time the citizens of this
city stand up to these ruffians and tell them to take their hijinks elsewhere,
such as Los Angeles where such rough sport is encouraged. I had thought our
brave and noble Sector Police kept the streets peaceful and quiet in my
neighborhood, but apparently they just don't care if an innocent man and his
dog become another static in the roll call sheet of 'Hit And Run'. I urge the
Mayor and the Chief of Police to investigate this matter and arrest these
hooligans who prey on our streets like sharks in an aquarium.
This must
not continue!
Sincerely,
Windthrop
Jenkins, III
Sector Nine,
Seattle Military Security Zone.
Deer Editor,
I jest
wonted to say that i like yur noospayper. Thay keep me worm at nite, and, if
yuo boll them up, thay make a rilly goud pilow. Eny way, i was jest wundring to
things. can i get sum free paypers or sumthin, yu no so i can haf a flufy
kushin to sleep on insted of on the grownd. Or if yu can get me a job wurkin
thair, that wood be grate. So let me no.
ps. i no awl
the dirt in da strete so i can rite good stuf.
Dear Editor,
I was
disgusted with your front page story last Friday. What is with you vultures? I
know the rats are bad...do I need to see pictures of children who have lost
limbs to them? It makes me so mad I'm going to stop stealing my neighbor's
subscription copy of this rag and switch to stealing the New York Times from
the blind vendor down the street.
An irate
reader
PS As an
added bonus the New York Times not only has book reviews but I find it provides
both more and better quality material for insulating my cardboard condo.
Dear Editor,
As a
Canadian I'm getting ready to be offended that you didn't include Canada. There
must be a HUGE business smuggling Americans across the border. What do
Canadians think about it? Surely there's a story there, crying to be told?
Unfortunately I already threatened to stop stealing my neighbors edition of
this rag in another thread. Maybe I could threaten to get all my good buds to
also stop stealing this paper if you don't comply?
Regards,
Irate reader
Dear Editor,
I am writing to discuss a possible article on the state of the cities smoking
by-laws, my son goes to school in the north Seattle area which is rampant with fumes
from smokers, smog from automobiles, I thought this country was trying to
rebuild not make things worse, I can see that Eyes Only has the right idea now,
at first I thought he was only trouble but he's installed hope into our
community, I would hope that you do the same.
Concerned
Parent.
**********************************
ENTERTAINMENT
SEATTLE
CINEMAS CLOSES
By Jox5
It was a sad
day in the entertainment world when the last movie theater in Seattle closed
down yesterday. Owner Rob Smith said that when the Cale family stopped going
out for a Saturday night movie two weeks ago the place went broke.
The 30 year
old theater will be torn down and turned into a parking lot. When asked if he
had any plans to rebuild in the next few years Smith said he needed $100,000 to
start over. How will this affect actors in L.A who are struggling to make ends
meet? It is the opinion of this reporter that they will pack up and move to a
country that still works like Canada or maybe Mexico.
If you would
like to donate to the Rebuild Our Theater Fund, you can send money to Jox5 at
the Streets of Seattle head office.
**********************************
SPORTS
SEATTLE
SPORTS
By The Rock
Good morning
Sports Fans!! it's time to get off with a bang my first column on Seattle
sports lets get to it.
Now I
realize that money in a shattered economy is in limited quantity but for the
Seattle SunHawks Baseball franchise they are in desperate need of it, I haven't
baseball this bad since the Mariners dumped Ken Griffey Junior(Now senior) to
the Cincinnati Reds. This is undoubtedly the worst week for the team since it's
conception by Power Nipple in 2006, lets look at the weeks scores.
MONDAY
SunHawks 5 -
Bluejays 15
TUESDAY
SunHawks 8 -
Yankee Doodles 10
WEDNESDAY
SunHawks 3 -
Orlando Jerks 5
THURSDAY
Cameron
Sinkers 16 - SunHawks 2
PLEASE GOD
LET THE WORLD END! I mean for crying out loud this is pathetic baseball, look
at starting pitcher John Rocker, after a dismal career in Atlanta the guy goes
from worst to....WORSTx10! The guy has
given up more runs per inning then people testing diarrhea pills for a
pharmaceutical company, and lets not forget about our great offensive squad,
lead by leading man Jose Cruz Jr. Now this guy is actually a fair ballplayer, started
in T.O. made his way to the coast, and now he has a hitting percentage of .325
not bad for a old fogy. Now I beg to manager Jose Canseco, please stop leading
the team down the path in life you chose to follow....MISERY.
GOOD MORNING
AMATEUR TEAMS Right our little junior
sports make up the heart of our community in Seattle, what could give a
community greater pleasure to see our little athletes compete against each
other....And they would if the community centers hadn't been invaded by street
gangs.
GOODNIGHT:
Finally an end to this crap, be sure to check back next week for my column when
I discuss new franchises moving to LA from Seattle, our main industry...losing
sports teams.
**********************************
FASHION
ARE
FLIP-FLOPS A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME?
by
AndraMarie
Ok, so you
are walking down the street, and all of a sudden you here a noise coming from
behind you. You speed up, hoping it is not a mugger. The noise keeps coming. So
you look over your shoulder (even though you know you are not supposed to-never
make eye contact with your attacker) and see an innocent looking teenager
blowing bubbles and bobbing her head aimlessly to her headphones. You look down
and see the cause of your paranoia. You supposed stalker is wearing a flimsy
pair of brightly-colored plastic flip-flops. So are more and more teen girls
these days.
So what's
causing this new phenomena? Thong sandals, which were very popular in the late
1990's and the early part of the 21st century, have been recently making a
comeback. Some girls say that they find the old-school sandals as a refreshing
addition to their spring wardrobes. Others say that they are practical with
their minimalism. But the majority think that these sandals are great because
they are so economical. Since the Pulse, everyone has been feeling the pinch in
their pockets. All that is needed to make flip-flops are a piece of rubber or
plastic, and a foam sole. Young girls saving their money to maybe buy a pair of
new shoes (instead of secondhand) are thankful for their low expense.
Back in the
early 1990s, flip-flops were used as mainly beach sandals. But as the decade
grew older, they started being mainstreamed more. They were created in new stylistic
fashion-with brightly colored flowers, beads, and other accessories that were
fairly cheap then. The only post-pulse social-economical class who could
previously afford them was the very wealthy aristocrats' children whose parents
hadn't lost their entire fortunes. Now that the fashion industry has had over a
decade to get back on their feet(although they are still taking baby steps),
the cheaper clothes and shoes were the first to be made.
So what does
this mean for your average consumer?
Well, your
average stores who have been carrying the flip-flops and have been successful,
should start bringing back other, cheaper fashions. These stores were used as
test stores to see if the public was ready for some actual new clothes. And it
seems they are. All you lower-class shoppers out there - be ready! Some new,
hip, and affordable lines should be coming your way!
**********************************
NEIGHBORHOOD
EASTLAKE:
STRANGELY UNIQUE
By Norez
In many
ways, Eastlake is the ideal neighborhood. Eleven years after the pulse, the
tiny community sandwiched between Interstate 5 and Lake Union, is one of the
few places in Seattle seemingly unaffected by the economic depression.
In a near
lawless city and amid rampant squalor, Eastlake is an economic, artistic and
cultural Mecca. It is unlike any other neighborhood in Seattle. A surreal
mixture of Japanese and American architecture, tiny homes, attic apartments,
condos, mom and pop stores, boat yards, heavy industry and the most advanced
genetic research centers operating in Seattle.
The true
soul of the community lies just offshore, amid the hundreds of houseboats
moored in a colony along the shoreline and docks of Lake Union. A carefree,
Caribbean spirit still lingers among the writers, artists, professors and
dissidents that call the lake home. These people of the lake are descendents of
blood if not cause of the people that fought and won the right to live on the
lake some 50 years ago.
This was the
neighborhood where William Boeing first flew his boatplane in 1916. And, it has
changed greatly since then. Once an industrial park, only a small handful of
industries survived the years of change. The oldest of them is Lake Union
Drydock Company, which has repaired small boats and ships for the past 101
years.
Resting in
the shadows of the drydock are two of the most advanced research centers in
Seattle. The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and ZymoGenetics, a
diabetes research firm.
Taking a
walk through Eastlake, there are no decrepit chain stores like Starbucks or
McDonalds. Instead, the streets are filled with aromas drifting through the
doors of ethnic restaurants like the Tuscany Grill and Tokyo Jim's. Hundreds of
tiny, owner-occupied stores sell everything from antique Pokemon and Dragonball
Z collectibles to the latest in gothic fashion and music.
On a typical
day, couples enjoy dinner along the docks to live music or stroll through some
of the small, but well maintained Japanese gardens. Children play in Rogers
Playground while mimes and street magicians entertain shoppers visiting from
the less civilized zones of Seattle.
Eastlake's
prosperity depends greatly on visitors from less civilized zones of Seattle.
Most of the visitors are allowed in through one of four security checkpoints
searching for everything from basic staples to beer brewed at one of the 11
small breweries. While in Eastlake, most take time to enjoy some of the street
bands, take in a production at the Kabuki theater or just relax and enjoy the
peaceful community. A few just walk the cobblestone streets and hope to catch a
glimpse of one of the many geishas that call Eastlake home.
While in
Eastlake, the most noticeable absences in the community are the homeless,
junkies, prostitutes, pimps, thugs, corrupt police and gangbangers that plague
other Seattle neighborhoods. Even careful observers might fail to recognize the
well-trained security force that operates in Eastlake. The blend in with the
crowd, some in X-metal Oakleys and Armani suits, others in shorts and Don Ho
style shirts. But, they are there. And they're well trained, well armed and
exceptionally lethal if necessary.
In the
initial riots after the pulse, a small security company called Matsuda, operated
in Eastlake. When called upon by several community organizations, Matsuda
stepped forward and restored order in Eastlake with what can be regarded as a
brutal efficiency. The Eastlake Community Council instituted a 2-cents sales
tax to pay the bill for annual protection by Matsuda. Which proved to be a wise
move, the crime rate in this waterfront community is the lowest in Seattle.
Even lower than the crime rate before the pulse.
While
Eastlake might seem like some forgotten urban utopia, a small Mayberry nestled
in the heart of chaos, there is rumored to be a dark side. Seattle police have
tried repeatedly to connect Matsuda to the Japanese Yakuza that operates in
along the docks south of Denny Regrade. However, these authorities have yet to
create any connection between Matsuda and the Sachi-gami yakuza clan.
Whatever the
truth may be, the rumors and innuendo have had a lasting effect on the urban
legends of Eastlake. After a city judge handed out excessively heavy sentences
to several yakuza soldiers, he was beheaded in the parking lot of the downtown
courthouse. Witnesses claim the assassin was dressed in black with a mesh veil.
Before fleeing the scene, he recovered the judges head and allegedly said
"Matsuda ninja revenge." The legend says the judge's head is kept in
a jar in the wine cellar of Tokyo Jim's Mexican Sushi Bar.
In the next
issue of Streets of Seattle: Denny Regrade. The cesspool of Seattle. The city's
worst neighborhood without a doubt. Get an inside look at the squatters, drug
lords, gangbangers, prostitutes, homeless and the out-and- out insane.
ENGAGEMENTS
By Jennem1
Andrea Smith
and John Brancusi are happy to announce their upcoming nuptials. The couple met
during the recent hostage situation at the First Bank of Seattle. Ms. Smith, of
the United Department Store Smiths, was making a deposit at the time of the
attempted robbery. Mr. Brancusi, a member of the Bank's founding family, was
instrumental in achieving the swift release of all hostages, including Ms.
Smith.
Ms. Smith is
the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Smith of Sector 9. Mr. Brancusi is the son
of Louise Brancusi of Sector 9, and William Brancusi, current whereabouts
unknown.
The wedding
will be held on May 18, 2021, at the Sector 7 branch of the Church of Electromagnetic
Scientology, of which they are both members. The couple is asking that in lieu
of gifts, donations should be made to the Church's Widows, Orphans, and Lost
Pets fund.
DEATHS
ELSEWHERE
By
Wonkavator
Julia
Roberts, the ex-Hollywood recluse, best known for her role as a prostitute in
the 1980s hit "Pretty Woman," was found dead yesterday morning in her
mobile home outside Villa Rica, Georgia. The cause of death appears to be
accidental overdose. An autopsy performed yesterday by Harlem County coroner
Toby Binkley found that Ms. Roberts ingested a lethal combination of alcohol
and prescription pills.
The press
dubbed the late actress the "21st Century Garbo" after she suddenly
left Hollywood in 2002 while in the midst of filming her final picture,
"Pretty Woman Too." Ms. Roberts was often compared to the 20th
century Hollywood legend, as both actresses faded rather mysteriously from the
public eye. Many close to Ms Roberts attributed her behavior as a reaction to
the controversial drug Hepatrin, prescribed as a treatment for her private and
often crippling battle with depression.
Larry Dell,
Ms. Roberts' uncle and only surviving relative, discovered her body Sunday
morning while bringing Ms. Roberts a delivery of cat food. Police say that Mr.
Dell brought cat food to his niece every month and hadn't contacted her since
his previous visit.
Mr. Dell,
who was also the last person to see her alive, described her mood on his last
visit as "sad....even for her."
**********************************
HOROSCOPES
GEMINI You
get one thing and then you lose another. It's either feast or famine. It's up
to you to find a way to strike some kind of balance between your personal and
professional life, Gemini. Once you lock into that perfect source of
nourishment, your outlook improves dramatically.
CANCER Moon is in Jupiter this week, Cancer, and
this means you need to watch your pennies! Finances will be tight for a while,
and it looks as if you need to stock up again on little things such as
peppermint oil. A new neighbor will be coming into your life, and this means a
confrontation later on in the week regarding stolen electricity. Keep a clear
head, and you will be able to reach a worthy compromise. A career change may be
in your future, requiring consideration about finding a location in a new
Sector, so make sure to keep your eyes open for vacant buildings while out on
the town. Lucky days: The 24th will find a new love interest vying for your
attention. The 27th will bring you much needed rest and relaxation.
LEO With
Mercury in retrograde, expect plenty of personal brownouts this week. But a
favorable location for Libra means you might just find someone to share them
with as you're waiting on the food line. But don't buy the grapefruit.
VIRGO
Everything's looking pretty blank this week, Virgo. If you're maintaining a low profile, then it's all good. If you're more of the outgoing type...we
suggest you watch your back.
LIBRA Watch
your investments this week, Libra, whether they be in a Swiss bank or stuffed
under your mattress. Someone close to you is looking to grab what you have. On
the work front, there could be new opportunities if you keep your eyes open and
make sure you're the first on line. Best day to go shopping: Tuesday Best day
to bring home a new pet: Friday Lucky numbers: 7,8,9,11,2689
SCORPIO The
fluctuating rat population hasn't got you down, does it, Scorpio? You've always been one to use what you've
got, and this week is no exception.
You'll find even more ways to increase your assets, be it through rat
traps or rat recipes.
SAGITTARIUS
Welcome to the party, as your sign rapidly moves through the social sphere of
the heavens. Get together with a few
good friends or a hundred acquaintances (but watch out for spiked punch). But it's not the time to make any new
long-term associations, so keep it light.
CAPRICORN
You will experience a few problems down the line to the effects of financial
stability and infestation of your current residence. A big decision will arise
that you must make that could make things better and ease your lifestyle. The
choice you make will be a big step forward or backward for you. Choose wisely.
AQUARIUS You
are destined for bright days to come. You will be well off and happy for these
up and coming days, and your money will flow respectively. However, be aware
and watch closely your investments, Aquarius, because the slightest slip or
minor error could be your downfall. Take proper precautions on business
transactions as well, Make sure that you are getting the better part of the
deal.
PISCES Today
and the next week you will feel a refreshing sense of purpose, plan on taking a
vacation to get away from it all and remember to pack ONE sleeping bag, however
be weary of Aquarius who will thwart your plans if you do not implement them in
a hurry.
ARIES You
will be faced with great hardships. You will lose one thing after another, and
it your life will become ideally hard. Prepare for the worst. Things will look
down before they will look up. However, if you make it through all this, better
times will follow. Face the worst of times, Aries, and a reward awaits you in
the end.
TAURUS Keep
a close watch on the real estate market this week, Taurus. Configurations are
not favorable regarding your home situation, so make sure to give an extra nod
to your mortgage holder, landlord, or neighborhood police officer. Tuesday will
be a good day to try something new.
**********************************
CLASSIFIEDS
SWM with own
flaming garbage can seeks female, age/race/religion unimportant, to share long
walks around the perimeter, cuddling beneath cardboard boxes, and rummaging for
food. Come warm your hands at my fire.
FOR SALE One
Dodge 75, pre-Pulse truck, in good condition. Slight denting due to riots in
2014. Windshield cracked due to gang war in Clemson, 2018. No radio, no A/C,
but the heater still works and the tires are still good. Barter for secondhand
Sony Sonik III computer or 500 pounds of fertilizer for greenhouse or best
offer. Inquire at South Market. Dave.
FOUND. Fifty
crates of Ready To Eat Rations in abandoned building. Don't know what's in
them, but its expiration date is 2021, so they're going fast!!!!! Barter and
sell whatever you have, within reason. First Come, first serve. Veterans of
Baltic War get five free pouches prior to proper ID check. No gangbangers or
Black Marketeers! WARNING! The place is now guarded by me and my crew, so no
funny stuff. We've got the latest AKs from R of AK, and we know how to use 'em,
buddy. Gig's NW of Clemson, where the Neutral's still holding. (Ten pouches
free to the families of anybody getting killed on route or on premises by gang
war.) Better hurry before the Sector Fuzz finds us. Da Ripper of the 9th Street
Trippin'.
HELP WANTED:
Package delivery facilitator. Applicant should be dedicated, hard working, and
have own bicycle and bulletproof vest or flak jacket. Good attitude and
professional appearance a must. Apply Box 6472.
FOR SALE
10GHz processor; misc. circuitry boards; surveillance camera; armor plating.
All by Cale Inc., post-pulse, operational! GET THEM BEFORE THEY'RE GONE!!
Barter for firearms and/or ammo possible.
TGO seeks
beautiful latina woman approx 20 years of age with reddish brown hair and
magnetic personality, but will also except dog with same qualities.
Sexy SWF
looking for hot virile SM of any nationality. must love football and cars and
enjoy mountain biking. must be between 19-23
TDAG seeks
acting job, as my personal pride was striped by my sister having to jumpstart
my terrible career as an actor, I will do anything, Mickey D's commercials,
Power Nipple Commercials, hell even P***
FOR SALE: A
jar of pre-pulse pickles found in a hole in my backyard. Price: 30:00$ and a
can opener.
FOUND. One
human arm, preserved in something I don't even want to know about. Discovered
it in some abandoned silo where all those Black Hummers been roaming around. If
you're into to sick stuff, call me up at 555-5462 and we can barter. Better
hurry because the neighbors are looking at me funny. J. Dahmer.
Wanted...
used X5's. Must be in good condition and reasonably priced. Call 555 1223 and
leave message.
FOR SALE:
Used Subaru Outback equipped with Firestone Tires need to sell off quick, I
have a rather large family and can't deal with accidents, plus I need the money
to send my kids to school, if interested please phone me Jake Thompson @ 543
6778. PP
For hire.
Hacker with (edited for content) attitude. Good dresser, unshaven, has own
transportation.
