Title: The Beginning of a Beautiful…Something
Author: Celeste
Universe: Bleach
Theme/Topic: Ikkaku meets Yumichika
Rating: PG-13 for Ikkaku's dirty mouth
Character/Pairing/s: Ikkaku, Yumichika (with mentioned IkkakuxKira and ShuuxYumi).
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for Ch 206.
Word Count: 2,654
Time: roughly 45 minutes with no edits.
Summary: Ikkaku and Yumichika's first encounter.
Dedication: swinku and kshi, because they're so encouraging even with all my crack pairingness. Haha and they indulge my crack ideas. XD
A/N: So I see Ikkaku and Yumichika as having something like…romantic friendship I guess, where they're totally like, monogamous best friends forever. ;; The eleventh's family feeling drives me to believe that, I suppose. So yeah. Some back story as I might see it and an attempt at a different style of narration all in one! I don't know whether I succeeded or not, but it was worth a shot. ;; Hope Ikkaku makes some semblance of sense.
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.

You really wanna know how he and I met, babe?

Well I guess when ya look at me like that, ain't like I can just say no. Ain't a real fascinatin' story or nothin', I'm warning ya. But I guess it'll do, for a bedtime story, babe, long as you sit down quiet like and listen. Snuggle up a little closer I guess, and I'll tell ya, alright?

Was a long time ago, really. I was young… off on my own after the parents, the family, was all killed. I lived on account of those bandits not bein' too sharp, you know. Ma hid me good and I woke up on my own. But this was after I'd been on the road myself fer a coupla years. Was findin' some jobs here'n there, maybe. Always been pretty solidly built, I think, so it weren't hard to play two-bit thug for some gangs when they needed the muscle, when they were recruitin' mercenaries for a good fight. Stuff like that, I could do, piece of cake.

Collected some bounties too, to get on. Killed some bandits with their faces on wanted posters'n made some dough offa that. Enough to get by. Made me feel less helpless too I guess, doin' in the same typesa guys did my family in.

But yeah, that's how it was for me then, babe. You sure you wanna hear this still? I see your eyelashes flutterin', blondie, and you fall asleep I guarantee ya you won't ever hear the end of this story 'cuz it's a once in a lifetime deal.

Yeah okay, I'm goin' on.

Anyway, first time I saw him…

…thought a bunch of bandits was harrassin' some poor young girl.

Can't blame me ya know. He ain't real big, and the hair'n the face…well, honest mistake.

But some asshole had his arms pinned up over his head and a hand on his face and was lookin' kind of perverted at him, ya know what I mean. His buddies were workin' their pants behind him and I figured it was some sorta dirty fuckin' pervert line and this poor girl was gonna have to take a turn with every one of 'em.

Gave me a good enough excuse to go ahead'n charge the hill.

Punched the asshole holdin' her-- him now, I guess—and got a good knee to the big fucker's crotch. That musta hurt double time, on account of his excitement. Heh. Anyway, got my sword out then and ended the rest of those idiots before they could even get their hands outta their underwear.

Wasn't hard, and I didn't mind the hero bit every now and again, ya know. Made you feel like you was doin' somethin' worthwhile sometimes, helpin' other folk. 'Specially if it got you a coupla fat purses from the dirty rotten bastards ya offed afterwards, which these guys had.

But 'fore I did anything like that I turned to 'the victim' and asked her—him—"You okay?" 'cuz it felt like the thing to do, I guess.

He frowned at me then and crossed his arms and said, "I had that under control."

Took me 'til I heard him talk out loud for me to realize she was a he, and I blinked, all surprised. Then I said, "Huh. Didja?"

"Yes," he said, all prissy like. "Though… I suppose I should thank you."

His voice got all weird then, and I glared at him 'cuz I wasn't into that funny stuff. 'Specially on the road like that. Real dangerous shit, ya know.

"Yer welcome. Now get outta here."

He walked up to me then and put his hand all on my chest (it's weird when I think about it now 'cuz so much's changed, I guess). He looked all flirty and was like, "Alright…but first let me make sure my hero isn't hurt, hmmm?"

I frowned at him and smacked his hand away then, told him, "Oi…those idiots didn't even get a chance to move their hands from 'round their dicks before I killed 'em. I ain't hurt. Now cut it out, asshole. None of that funny stuff."

He looked at me, real surprised all of a sudden, like he didn't understand the words comin' outta my mouth or somethin'. "Excuse me?"

"I said, I ain't interested. Now lemme get their money, wouldja?"

He looked like he was torn between bein' wounded and thinkin' I was absolutely crazy. "You don't want me?"

I snorted, 'cuz that was a dumb question. "Fuck no, I don't want you. Do I look like those idiots?" I asked, noddin' towards the fuckers I'd killed.

He got snippy then and crossed his arms. "You're weird."

"You're weird," I told him back. It was lame, but it was true. I didn't know what the fuck this guy wanted from me.

"I'm Yumichika," he corrected, all snooty all of a sudden. "And technically, those purses belong to me. I set this operation up, after all."

I blinked at him, because that was the damned most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. "Excuse me, you what?"

"I set this up," the little idiot responded, looking up at me like he was my height and not as short as he was. "I was just about to relieve these gentlemen of their money and leave them unconscious once I'd gotten them far enough away from the main road." He sniffed. "But then you charged in and ruined everything."

I stared at him. "Ruined? Didn't you just say I was your hero?" I was damned confused. And I really just wanted to be takin' my money and headin' off.

"I was lying, stupid," he said, crossing his arms. "I thought I'd be able to seduce you, knock you out, and get the money anyway."

Well shit. "So you…" I motioned to the bodies around me.

He nodded.

"And me…" I pointed to myself.

He nodded again, completely serious.

I burst out laughin' then. 'Cuz it was funny. "What was a little girly-guy like you gonna do to seven men all bigger'n heavier'n you while you was pinned and unarmed?" I guffawed, thinkin' this guy was completely insane.

I woulda laughed more, but I was too busy chokin' on my own spit all of a sudden, because he'd appeared next to me faster'n I could keep my eye on him and socked me hard in the stomach. The first blow got me to bend down so he could reach up and slam his knee right into my head.

Hurt like hell, I still remember it like it happened yesterday. I also remember fallin' over like a moron on top of one of the guys I'd just killed.

I felt pretty damn stupid.

"I was going to do that!" he chirped, like he hadn't just whupped me in the middle of my makin' fun of him. Then real calm like, he started takin' the purses off of the bodies while I rolled around a little bit, tryin' to get the sound in my ears to stop comin' through all under-watery like.

I got up eventually, once he was done countin' up the purses, and I could hear normal again. I even managed to catch the bag he threw at me.

"Half," he said, like we was best friends and he hadn't just kicked me in the head. "Well, slightly less than half because I took a finder's fee."

I couldn't believe the asshole. Well, couldn't believe that he thought he still deserved any of the loot and that he hadn't run off with all of it when he coulda. I gaped at him.

"That's disgustingly unattractive," he said, wrinklin' his nose like he was some nobleman and not a wanderin' pretty boy usin' his looks to lure poor unsuspecting perverts out into the road so he could rob 'em blind.

"Who the hell are you?" I sputtered, because I couldn't properly wrap my brain around the concept of someone like him.

"I already told you my name," he responded easily, tucking his share of the loot into his pants and looking at me like he was darin' me to just try and go after it. "Who are you?"

"The hell should I tell you my name for?"

"Because you asked me for mine and it's rude not to give yours first, of course." He smiled then, like I was the butt of some giant, cosmic joke. "If you don't tell me I suppose I'll just call you Baldie from now on."

I couldn't believe this asshole. The hell did he think he was?

"It's Ikkaku, asshole, Ikkaku."

He beamed. "Nice to meet you."

He stuck his hand out.

I was wary of takin' it, but he was smilin' like he was makin' fun of me or somethin', and I just didn't like the idea of him thinkin' I was afraid of a guy that much smaller'n me. So I took his hand and we shook, and it wasn't 'til after he'd let goa me that I realized something.

"What do you mean, 'from now on'?" I demanded.

He twittered at me and just said, "From now on, we're partners, silly!" before walkin' off. "Now we'd better go, hmm? Don't want to be caught around so many bodies in broad daylight!"

I yelled "I didn't agree to any partnership!" after him.

But he was headin' the same direction I'd been headin', and hell if I was gonna change my course just on account of some weirdo fruitcake who had some speed and could land a few lucky blows.

We headed into town'n and for the entire walk, he talked on and on and on 'bout himself.

It was the most bizarre day I'd ever had.

Guess I sorta just had to get used to him after that. I figured before too long he wadn't the typea guy that took no for an answer when it came to most things, and so it was he'n I on the road for a while, just sorta headin' inwards in Rukongai. Better neighborhood that way, I suppose.

I have to admit, he wasn't half bad a partner to be around. Picked good, easy targets when we needed 'em and could fight like someone twice his size when we needed to, when those looks of his got us inta trouble on the road (and gave us an excuse to kill some assholes and swipe their purses).

I remember, after travelin' a coupla months with him, askin' him why he'd insisted on becomin' my partner. He was always callin' me names and stuff, stupid, ugly, idiot, stuff like that ('cept when he said 'em, they sounded somehow, better in some ways'n worse in most others). I just told him, "well you decided to become my partner, so stop complainin'," when he really got on my case about stuff like that.

He told me he decided to become my partner 'cuz I seemed to be the only person in the world who wadn't attracted to him.

Heh, totally somethin' that idiot would say, am I right? You laughed, so you know it's true, babe, don't try to deny it. Definitely got his fingerprints all over that sorta convoluted logic.

But… what were his words? Somethin' like, "I'd almost completely given up hope on finding any sort of mutually beneficial partnership, which was why you saw me working alone that day. My past experiences with partners had always dissolved… on unfriendly terms… when my partner or partners inevitably fell in love with me." He sighed then, all sad and dramatic but really secretly (well, not so secretly) enjoyin' every moment of it. "The last gang I was in completely destroyed itself when the members all started fighting over me."

I couldn't believe the fucker. "So you're sayin' you decided to attach yourself to me like some sorta disease just 'cause I ain't tryin' to get into your skirts?"

He beamed. "Yup!"

Well, I suppose I shouldn'ta expected nothin' else from someone as crazy as him. And that's the only explanation he'd give me… hell, to this day it's still the only one he'll give when I ask, even.

Don't look at me like that, sweetheart, I know what you're thinkin'. Sure, I love the idiot, he's my best bud you know. Different kinda thing. A no touchy kinda thing. We went through so much shit together it can't be helped, you know. But I didn't ever fall into that trap, lemme tell ya. I didn't ever look at him as someone I wanted to do pervy things to. Just… no. Ain't right.

You think he appreciated that, ya say? Well… maybe. Seemed to like to raise a fuss about it though, how I was completely tasteless or somethin' if I didn't even think about him that way every now and again. But he seemed okay with it, never tried to get into my pants again after that first time (which doesn't even count 'cuz the asshole obviously was plannin' on robbin' me).

Maybe it was what he needed, I dunno. You're sharper 'bout these things than I am, baby. But I guess I understand it… I seen that guy at work, you know. Just to have someone who was there, who wadn't always trying to have sex with him when everyone else was might've been somethin' important to him. Seemed that anyone else tryin' to get to know him better was…tryin' to get to know him better, you know what I mean. I guess that'd be tirin' after the millionth or so time. I wouldn't know, of course… ain't ever happened to me.

You'd know, wouldn't ya, cutie? Everyone always tryin' to get a piece of you. What's that like?

Tiring, hmmm? Lucky I'm here to watch your back now, huh? Any fucker touches you, you just let me know. They'd be deader'n those assholes with their hands in their pants I killed on the road.

Right, okay, okay. I know you can. Anyway, what was I sayin'? Well… just that that was why he decided I was the fella to join up with, I suppose. 'Cuz I just didn't see him that way. Seems like somethin' bizarre that bastard'd do.

What? Well, yeah, I'm glad he's got Hisagi now too, I guess. Yeah, yeah, romantic ending to a hard life on the road, blah, blah. Ow! Sorry, sorry, I just think of how lovey-dovey those two get and I feel like I'm gonna puke a little. Talk about a 180 from how Yumi used to be.

Yeah, happy endings, I know, babe. I'm glad everyone got their happy endings too. Just don't really wanna talk about it 'cuz…well, you know.

Anyway… we met Zaraki-taichou sometime after that, when he beat the ever-lovin' shit out of me and Yumi sat by and watched. We'd come to an understandin' by then, of course. Knew each other's codes. He didn't step in when I challenged anyone one on one and I didn't harp on him when he ran from a fight, because his sense of survival was keener'n mine.

So Zaraki-taichou beat me up and as he was walkin' away, I looked at Yumi as I was lyin' on the floor and Yumi looked back at me, and we both knew then, what was gonna happen next.

It was a lot like what happened between us, I guess.

I got up, he let me lean on him, and we plodded after taichou'n fukutaichou and never looked back once.

Well, that's it, pretty much. Told you it wasn't anything grand, baby. Just a run of the mill story, I guess… what sorts of crazy things bring people together.

Babe?

Kira?

You still with me, there?

Che. Asshole. I told ya not to fall asleep, didn't I?

Ah well. Ain't a big deal, ain't a big deal, right? Sleep well, sweetheart. I'll see ya in the mornin'.

Night.

END