I'm back with another sdr2 story yay! This one is on ao3 as well.
It's the first part of the serie I called "They say hope is happiness"
Second part will be published soon!
When the trial was finally over, it came with a feeling of emptiness and absolute dread, each one of their minds rejecting what had happened. Hinata was exhausted, completely drained, physically as much asemotionally. The trial left him numb, unable to feel any sort of anger even when Monobear announced he wouldn't keep his promise of giving them back their memories. He didn't expect it anyway, who would believe the word of a murderous stuffed bear that caused this whole situation?
Who would have known that after only three days on the island they had been brought in, they would already be in this courtroom, judging a crime that had been called Hanamura's? This event had just been a giant mess that shouldn't even be examined. It was hard to tell where justice was when in a situation where you have to kill to get back to your normal life. They couldn't know what may trigger one of them to commit a murder, and it may be the worst of it. Especially when some of them suddenly revealed themselves as completely fucked up, like Komaeda did.
Hinata would like to think he could have prevented the assassination if he knew about Hanamura's issues, but he was aware that was impossible. There was no way this could ever have been stopped, no matter how hard Togami had worked to avoid them being in danger. Not with the unpredictable piece that was Komaeda in this giant puzzle. He had been twisting the rules, playing his game as if the others' will was completely nonexistent and still got to enjoy his victory, even after this trial, after having to admit he wasn't the one he acted as.
There was something deeply infuriating about the luckster that Hinata couldn't really determine, but he didn't want to search exactly what it was now. He didn't even have the energy to deal with Komaeda, not even to tell him to shut his fucking mouth. He didn't exactly meanit when he asked Owari to punch him, though the idea was nice. He was only desperate for the other to leave them alone with his twisted ideals. Komaeda was crazy and the brunet needed to get away from him. It seemed there was no way for him to just stop his rambles and none of them could stand it.
Luckily, the white haired boy was silent in the elevator (finally a few minutes of calm, Hinata almost sighed in relief). When it opened and everyone quickly left, nobody wanting to be left with him, the luckster seemed to understand that and didn't try to follow any of them. Or maybe he was only ignoring their animosity; Hinata didn't know and he certainly didn't wantto stay to discover it.
The spiky-haired boy quickly locked himself in his cottage, trying to calm down his nerves but ultimately failing. On the contrary, being left by himself was nothing short of terrifying after what he had just experienced: it felt as if an unknown figure could come out of the shadows at any second and attack him.
The illusion of safety that had settled itself with the imposing presence of Togami burned down in ashes, and they were left a trembling, scared mess on this deadly island they could now all imagine themselves living their last day on.
The idea that Komaeda alone had managed to crush any single positive feeling they had was scary, really it was, but it was also sort of true. It left Hinata a desperate wreck, almost cracking under the pressure of all these worries. But he was still lucid enough to acknowledge that he couldn't pin all the blame on the luckster, though accepting this was far more different from knowing it.
Hinata was completely stressed, almost freaking out now that he had all the time he needed to reflect on what really happened the past hours – he had been unable to actually think clearly in the heat of the moment, it was impossible. You can't be rational and ponder on your actions when you're investigating a corpse, the dead body of someone you've just met that someone else killed –when you're using cold logic to resolve a murder, when you absolutely need to do it because it is a matter of life and death.
Guess the culprit wrong and bam, they were all dead, each one of them. The situation he had been in felt surreal, but in the late hours of the night and the loud silence, he had all the time he could wish for to realize what he had really done, and this was the most frightening thing about it.
Hinata had investigated as if he didn't mind Togami's death, went through the trial with accusing people of murder, get them to break down (both of them and Komaeda's was the worst) and sent one of his classmates to death. One of his comrades.
He wasn't one to think of anyone as his friend, but this was far different from the trivial matter of wondering who he was close to. Hanamura was another human, he had been his classmate for who knows how much time, and Hinata had just picked him as the culprit, being perfectly aware of what would happen. It was as if the brunet had executed the chef himself, and the thought was unbearable.
It was like time had frozen itself in the early hours of the morning, where the sun was completely absent but not so far from sneaking its way in the sky to suppress the shadows of the night that felt like a black hole. The stars were shining, projecting a gloomy glow around and giving an eerie feeling, but everyone was asleep. Except him of course, this was a time Hinata had no way to fight the insomnia, no way to force his body to sleep. It would be easier and he would love it, the calm and peace of finally giving up the control of his conscience for a few hours, letting his mind rest, but this was a comfort he couldn't seem to get.
This is pure nonsense, he kept telling himself. He needed to sleep, not only because his body had to rest, but also because he wasn't sure he could handle another day without stopping the worries at least for a few hours. Togami was six feet under the earth, Hanamura had completely burnt, and this would never change. There was no way to fix it, to go back in time and save them. They were dead, and he was powerless to it.
No matter how much he would be dwelling on it, they wouldn't come back. He could regret every single thing he wanted, it wouldn't change the deadly reality. It didn't matter how much he wished he could have paid more attention, convinced Hanamura not to play Monobear's game, it didn't stopped the both of them from being dead.
He himself was alive, and he had to stay like that. He had to make sure not to show obvious weakness, because even if nobody seemed eager to kill (except maybe Kuzuryuu), the threat was still present. There was no reason for his mind to prevent him from getting the rest he absolutely needed, so why couldn't he yield to the peace he was searching so much for?
After shifting in his bed for what seemed to be the hundredth time, the brunet gave up. Apparently he just couldn't get away from the terrible thoughts that were haunting his mind. He wanted to scream. He really was desperate, wasn't he?
There was a faint light in his cottage, so tiny it was almost nonexistent, but he could see it as if it was sunlight, this little ray of white in the dark room that couldn't even enlighten it enough for Hinata to see the furniture, yet that mattered so much thatthe brunet didn't dare to close his eyes, terrified it would disappear.
It seemed so great, this glimmer that was so different from the perpetual shadows of the cottage! It seemed almost hopeful, compared to this place that was trapping him in his own fears. It seemed to be the escape route he was searching for, an alternative to sleep, and even though he knew better, the teen couldn't stop himself from dreaming it would be.
He glumly got up and walked to the window. The sky was surprisingly bright, the moon shining with an intensity he didn't expect, as if it desired to make the whole darkness disappear, and the stars scattered here and there, illuminating the path. Hinata's chest ached in an uncontrollable desire to leave this place and get outside.
He needed to fill his being with the silence of the night that wasn't as depressing as his cottage that was only keeping him hooked in the terrible events of the day. The brunet was only mourning over the death of the people he didn't even get time to know and damning this bear that put them in this situation of mutual killing. They couldn't even let their guard down and get attached to anyone because they would surely die or betray him.
The brunet especially had to stop thinking about Komaeda and how flabbergasted he was each time he thought of how suddenly the white haired boy broke his character and completely changed hisbehavior. This was something he couldn't have expected at all, not with how easygoing and friendly the other had been when they had met.
He realized getting out of the dark room was the best thing he could do, and within a few seconds, the ocean's breeze caught him as he closed the door quietly. Hinata wasn't heading anywhere, only taking a night walk and effectively clearing his mind. It was so nice to finally be at peace while getting to feel his whole body move and watching the beautiful landscape the island was offering.
He didn't have any time before to actually appreciate it, and it was a pity since the view was relaxing in itself. Everything inspired life on this island, from the merciful wind that was brushing on his forearms lightly, bringing an iodized scent and was gently ruffling the leaves of the palm trees to the ever-present light, enough for him to see his way as he slowly walked.
He wasn't looking at any particular place at first, but a bright light shining in the clear night caught his eye. More precisely, yellow coming from a cottage's window. He headed towards it without even realizing, his instinct drawing him to the light that seemed so reassuring compared to his cottage's shadows endlessly replaying the murders – and Komaeda's betrayal (god he had to stop thinking about him, the luckster was no good) – and when he was near enough, it became obvious who the place belonged to.
But what was Nanami doing up at this godforsaken hour?
He knocked softly on the door, before thinking that maybe she wouldn't want to answer. Someone outside her cottage during the night? Of course it was suspicious! Common sense would tell her not to respond! After such events, she would be scared of someone coming alone to see her! And if she opened that door she would probably be really careful and tense. What would he even say if she asked for the reason behind his presence, 'Oh you see I'm sort of traumatized and I need someone to rely on, especially after losing the person who was supporting me a lot'?
He really needed to see someone though. He felt like going crazy after all of this.
But common sense was apparently a foreign concept for the gamer, since she responded a few seconds later, telling him to come in without even asking for his identity. It made Hinata doubt a little, was she prepared to kill someone? Nanami didn't seem like someone who would, but then neither did Hanamura and Komaeda...
Oh fuck this.
The brunet was kind of hopeless at this point, trying to get the trial out of his mind, and the gamer was a peaceful person. She looked to be nice, and he decided he would trust her because he really needed to talk to someone. It was foolish and not careful at all but Hinata didn't care anymore.
The scene he stumbled across as soon as he pushed the wooden door certainly caught him by the surprise, but comforted him in his choice to enter. Nanami was playing a game. Right in the middle of the night. How peculiar! But Hinata imagined it was sort of normal for the Ultimate Gamer.
"Oh, Hinata, hello." She spoke without even casting him a glance, completely concentrated on her game. Healmost wondered how she succeeded in knowing it was him without looking, or atleast without having him notice she was looking.
"I understand now why you're always tired." he stated blankly, curious about how she even managed to stand this. It had to be exhausting!
Nanami didn't respond at first, and he suspected her to be far too focused on her game to pay attention to him.
"You should be more careful! What if someone came to kill you?" he couldn't help but bring back what was running in his mind, especially when the girl was being so careless.
"But you didn't, so it's alright."
Her look was gentle and deep, never drifting away from him. It was a caring gaze, but not an insistent one, and only then Hinata realized she had stopped her game, and even shut it down.
He couldn't be so sure but it seemed really important for the gamer, so he appreciated the fact that she was making him a priority, at least before her games.
It suddenly came to his mind that he'd just entered in the gamer's current home without any explanation or anything. Embarrassment was quick to appear, and the fact that Nanami didn't seem phased at all by his presence wasn't helping the slightest.
"I'm sorry to have entered without telling you anything." But Nanami shook her head slightly, denying the need he felt was necessary to explain himself.
"It's alright. If you're here, it's for a good reason and you don't need to voice it if you don't want to."
She paused for a few seconds, looking concentrated, and Hinata would have thought she wanted to create a dramatic effect if he didn't know her better. She told him when he met her– she said she was a little slow to order her thoughts before wording them and it was pretty wise, honestly. It allowed her to be very composed in the trial when he was a mess of too many violent emotions (which didn't change a lot).
"If you want to talk,though, I'll be here to listen,"she finally added with a peaceful smile.
Her company was really enjoyable, he noticed. He wasn't talking a lot, but the silence was comfortable, soothing him, and it was clear she wasn't concentrated on anything other than him anymore. Even if she wasn't looking straight at him – probably to make it clear he could as well say nothing if he didn't wanted to speak.
"It's not good to keep things bottled up",his childhood friend used to say, and Hinata knew she was absolutely right. He needed someone to talk to, he had been searching for anyone to explain his worries to, and it would be dumb for him not to say anything to Nanami, especially when the gamer made it obvious she wouldn't judge him or reject him no matter what he would say.
Within a few minutes, Hinata was spilling everything that was on his mind (he mentioned Komaeda's name far too much for his own taste though). He wasn't exactly thinking straight while telling the gamer all his problems, but voicing them was unbearable, and at one point he came to explain how he felt like goddamn shit and it was all the luckster's fucking fault. He had wrecked him and he couldn't afford to trust anyone after what Komaeda did, but he really needed to in order to keep his sanity in (he's in a situation, not on it) this terrible place where he couldn't even know if there was going to be another trial tomorrow or if he will still be living.
He didn't even know if it was alright for him to say all of this in front of Nanami when she surely had other concerns, other things that might bother her but he really needed someone. He'd never been in such a state of loneliness – even though his parents weren't the most loving ones, he had several friends – and he couldn't stand it.
He wanted to see Komaeda, to talk toand punch him, to try to make a friend out of him again, but it was a lost cause and it was really aggravating because he couldn't stop the need.
Wasn't he supposed to live for the dead? To try surviving for the ones whose chance to do so was stolen?
Ah he didn't really intended to say that aloud.
"Living doesn't mean standing this. You can break down sometimes, it will not be an insult to their memories you know. Living means you manage to go forward, even if it's difficult and even if you don't do it immediately." Nanami explained in detail, her voice soft, trying to calm him as he was throwing a fit. He couldn't help it – he told himself – he was only human. Mediocrity was apparently his main aspect.
"It's alright to need someone sometimes. You don't have to deal with it alone. Don't push yourself Hinata, it's not your fault."
He didn't need to isolate himself, neither to fear everyone. Only to be cautious and not bring himself any trouble. "Avoiding danger was enough,"she said, and he tried to think like her. To be as positive as the gamer was, as confident in the others. He wished he really could perfectly imitate Nanami's line of thought.
Yet the brunet couldn't really stop himself from doubting, even though he imagined she may be right: not many people would have the nerve of trying a murder.
"Remember what caused the murder? It's despair, only that. Don't hate Hanamura or Komaeda, it's not their fault, either."
There, Hinata ticked, refusing to forgive the white haired boy just yet. He'd rather not even think about him. But it wasn't as if he could ever stop his mind anyway.
"You mean he wasn't aware of what he'd done? Nanami, he tried to kill one of us – we don't even know who, it could be you or me or anyone – just for hope. Seriously, he knew perfectly wellwhat he was doing, and didn't even have a motive or anything. To make us hope! What a ridiculous claim." He didn't mention Komaeda's name at all, not even once, but surely Nanami understood who he was talking about out of the two murderers – no, he couldn't refer to them like that.
And maybe – just maybe – he was a bit harsh with the luckster, but he couldn't forgive what he'd done.
"He had his reasons, you can't judge a murder, legitimate or not, as long as it's not actual self defense. You can say Hanamura acted in particular circumstances that lighten his crime but it doesn't make it legitimate."
She was talking about laws, but about the simple human side of it that they couldn't mention even once in the whole trial, it would have made it even more impossible to stand. They couldn't afford themselves to bring up this subject because they were given no choice in this life-or-death situation they had been dragged in.
"Do you understand now why you can't hate them? They aren't different from us, the situation put a lot of pressure on them in a particular way that concerned nobody else. They were targeted to take the role of the first murderer. Monobear knows a lot about us, far more than we first expected. He knows what can make us fall, and he plays with it."
That was... a horrifying thought.
"These motives- they are all directed to one particular person?" Heasked hesitantly, already knowing her answer.
Nanami nodded her approval, confirming his words.
"They had to face a terrible dilemma that we don't know the slightest. This is why you can't hate them, somehow Hanamura and Komaeda were victims as well... I guess."
"I understand. I don't completely agree, but I get what you mean."
Hinata couldn't just stop blaming the luckster like this, even if the gamer had a point. Even though he couldn't forget he may be targeted himself by one of these motives, it wouldn't prevent him from holding a grudge.
He did agree he shouldn't hate them, though.
"Hinata? You know my cottage will always be open for you if you want to talk about anything or relax and play video games with me..." she paused as usual and Hinata waited patiently for her to continue. "But I think you should sleep. You're not used to having a sleep schedule as different from the others' as much as I am, and you need to take care of yourself."
He almost protested, saying he could handle it, but her concern was too nice to ignore it. He didn't wanted to lose the gamer's sympathy. Besides, she was completely right and he wasn't dumb (or childish) enough not to acknowledge it.
"Alright, I will. But be careful, okay?"
He was probably equally or even more worried than her, so he certainly wasn't leaving without being sure she wouldn't be killed that night.
God,he needed to stop thinking like this.
"Sure, I won't answer anyone else if it willreassure you." She was obviously aware it did. "Have a good night."
Her long yawn made Hinata wonder if she shouldn't be the one going to sleep, but the minute after, he was brought outside of the cottage too quickly for him to to tell her.
The brunet intended to go back to his cottage immediately, not having any reason to stay outside but something drew his attention to another place – though the location was vague. Some kind of music was playing, so softly he wondered if he was only imagining it.
It was the multiple sounds of metal pieces hitting each other with the wind that were combining themselves in a sort of melancholic melody. Without even realizing it, the brunet started to follow the sound, searching for its source.
The soft melody leaded him across the island and Hinata crossed the bridge of the park without any second thought. It wasn't only curiosity that brought him there, more something like an instinct.
The object was hanged somewhere on a tree, and he realized abruptly it meant someone had put it there, one other of the students had been awake when they were all asleep and decided to install it there. Maybe this person was even still out there.
Hinata wasn't eager to talk to anyone, but suddenly isolation sounded like the most horrible thing so he continued forward, wanting to see who exactly had been out of their cottage in the night. His conversation with Nanami eased his nerves, but it probably wasn't enough since he left with the exact same thoughts (though he wouldn't have admitted it to the gamer).
The sudden appearance of the huge clock's shadow surprised him and made him slow his pace even though he knew it would be there. The gigantic thing was always wearing an aura of mystery, but also of fear. Who knows what was hiding behind this countdown?
Though the thing that really made him stop dead in his tracks was the sight of an achromatic mass swinging slowly in the breeze. The instinct of hiding came instantly, and Hinata flattened his own body against the big statue, preventing it from being seen by anyone. Surely he was wrong wasn't he? It couldn't be him, he at least had the decency not to show himself at night, didn't he?
Ah hell.
Peeking a little behind the statue left Hinata without any doubt. Komaeda was sitting on a bench, facing the statue, his gaze directed somewhere between the clock and the sky.
Damn everything.