I logged into my tumblr for what must've been the billionth time that day- a side effect of cancer is a lot of down time since rest is so important, as Dr. Maria reminds me all the time. I checked my blog and apparently had a new follower, which was strange since my blog didn't attract much attention. I clicked on the url and was directed to a blog with an interesting array of video game gifs and videos and pictures a band I'd never heard of called the Hectic Glow. This didn't seem like the type of person who would follow me- confused as to why they would do such a thing, I scrolled to the top of the blog and noticed his picture (I'm assuming it was him at least, it could've been a model for all I know). If it was him, I've got to admit- he's attractive. Curious as to why an attractive person with a blog so different to mine would choose to follow me, I shot a quick message to introduce myself that read:

"Hey, I like your blog! Thanks for following me. I'm Hazel by the way."

Short and sweet and hopefully not terribly awkward. I followed him back and logged off tumblr to go watch ANTM. Mom brought me a strawberry milkshake and sat next to me and watched (more like made snide commentary the whole time) ANTM with me. I guess I'd been unusually quiet and lost in my own thoughts because mom asked me what was wrong, The conversation went like this:

Mom- What's on your mind, sweetie?

Me- Huh? Oh, nothing really.

Mom- You can talk to me, you know that I won't judge you.

Me- Ha! You should see yourself watch ANTM!

Mom- True, but I won't judge you.

Me- Alright. Well, I was just thinking about how in a lot of ways I'm like Anna. She died too young to ever get the chance to fall in love with someone and I feel like I'm running out of time and I just sorta feel like I'll never get to fall in love with anyone. It's stupid , I have more pressing issues to worry about- like just staying alive, but I'd like to live long enough to be able to say 'I love you' to someone not family.

(I honestly don't know what made me rant like that, I wasn't even thinking about that, I wasn't even really thinking at all when mom asked what I was thinking about. But then, that just kinda came out. Maybe it had crossed my mind before but I just sorta let it sit there until now)

Mom- I know, honey.

And that's all she said before pulling me in for a tight hug. I think I made her cry a bit, I hate talking about cancer with my parents, I hate hurting them. The words Patrick always said at Support Group rang in my ears. 'Just because you may not have a long life doesn't mean you can't have a full one.' Which is actually really true, as much as I hate to admit it.

I hate taking pity so I had to break the hug and excuse myself back to my room. I just sorta sat there on my bed feeling irrationally sorry for myself. I try to be happy and keep a positive outlook considering I only have a set number of days and it'd be a waste to spend them sad. But right I was sad. So I just read AIA and fell asleep.