Note: Just a simple little one-shot I really shouldn't have had time to write. It is a bit like my fic "The Little Things". Enjoy!
Note2: and again, I have still not seen the s11 finale, so please no spoilers! Thanks :)
There were some things in life that were permitted for one brother, but not the other.
Each Winchester brother had their own idea of what was okay for them to do, and what their brother was allowed to do.
They each had a list of things their brother was not to do.
Dean's list was a great deal longer than Sam's.
Playing bait was one of the first items.
Dean was allowed to wait in the clearing and lure out the monster of the week, Sam was not. The youngest Winchester was forbidden from ever being the bait, it was something Dean had decided back when they were just kids on the hunt, and it was something he had never altered his mind upon, no matter how "safe" his father would assure him that it was. John had wanted Sam to play bait a time or two, so that he and Dean could catch the creature before it killed again. John would go over the plan with Dean, show him how good it was, how safe they would make Sam; but it never mattered how thought-out the plan of action was, or how much faith Dean had in his dad's hunting ability, because he would never go for it. It wouldn't have mattered if they were hunting a racoon with fucking Batman as back-up, Dean would never agree to allow his kid brother to be the bait.
Dean didn't fight his father on a lot of things, but he would fight him on that, so much so that John only bothered to ever suggest it twice. On both occasions, Dean had put up a bigger fight than Sam ever had with his father. There was hollering and shouting, and it damn near got physical. Not that Sam knew. Dean was sure to have such arguments with his dad out of the youngest Winchester's earshot, never wanting Sam to know what was being asked of him, or that he was the subject of any conflict. Because Dean was all too aware of his kid brother's talent for carrying around guilt that didn't belong to him.
That was one of Sam's rules actually.
Sam was allowed to feel guilty about everything and anything, but Dean was not.
Sam carried guilt because he thought he deserved it. He was the reason for his mother's death, as well as Jessica's, and countless people since. He had nearly brought the world to an end more than once.
He had stolen Dean's childhood.
The way Sam saw it, he had plenty of reasons to feel guilty. Dean did not. Dean had saved so many people. He was the greatest hunter that there ever was. He had given everything he had to his family, even when they gave him nothing in return. Dean had been forced to grow up too quickly, and he took the weight of the world onto his shoulders without a single complaint. He had raised Sam, a child who should have never been his responsibility.
Dean was not allowed to feel guilty for the things the world had done to him. He wasn't permitted to feel guilt over the victims he couldn't save, because it was never for a lack of trying. It wasn't okay for him to feel badly for being manipulated into doing things that weren't right. He wasn't allowed to feel guilty for choosing Sam over the world, because it had been what he was trained to do, what he had been forced to do in order to raise the kid and keep him alive. Dean was not permitted to feel guilty for anything that happened to Sam, because he had given his little brother everything and it wasn't his fault when that wasn't enough, or when Sam fucked it all up.
Dean was not even allowed to feel guilty for making the wrong choices, because the world had taken so much from him, and he could not be expected to always do, or even know, the right thing.
Guilt was reserved solely for Sam, and did not belong on his brother's shoulders, not even for a second.
Smoking, that was another thing on Dean's list.
He had picked up the habit when he was sixteen, it was the only form of rebellion he could partake in that didn't hurt Sam or anyone else, at least that was what he thought. John had hated it, but he wasn't around enough to stop it, and he had assumed it was just a teenage phase, as long as Dean didn't do it in the motel room, John paid no mind. Dean would never have smoked in the same place that his kid brother slept anyways, which also kept the car off limits, but he would smoke at school or whatever bar he was hustling at, or outside the motel room door when Sammy was sleeping. After a little while it was no longer a rebellious act, or even something that made all the kids at school think he was cool, it was simply an addiction. He craved the nicotine, and he enjoyed indulging when he could. That was until he came back from a food run, to see Sam sitting on his bed with a lit cigarette in his mouth.
Dean had nearly started heaving at the sight of his kid sucking on that poisonous stick, filling his lungs with dangerous chemicals. Immediately after that, the cigarette was no longer something to be craved or desired, it was a monster that had tried to poison Dean's little brother. He quit cold turkey that day and never went back, because he knew that if he continued, the chances of Sam picking it up were unacceptably high.
Smoking was okay for Dean. He didn't care about the risks, the way he figured it, the hunt would kill him long before smoking would have the chance.
But those risks weren't okay for Sam. Sam wasn't allowed to be so careless with his life.
Sam was worth so much more.
Dean wasn't allowed to get sick.
Sam often watched his older brother's diet and sleeping habits. Even when Sam was pulling all-nighters left and right, he often found a way to make sure that Dean got the necessary amount of rest, to keep him from getting sick. The youngest Winchester hated it when the elder got ill. He hated seeing his brother so weak and defenseless, and more than that he hated the nightmares that seemed to always appear when Dean was under the weather. When he was a child, the only way to ever make Dean's nightmare stop, was to crawl in bed with him. Sam would sneak under the covers and snuggle close, wiggling around until the older boy woke, then he would fake sleep, giving Dean the privacy necessary to settle down without having to pretend nothing was wrong. When they were kids, Dean would cry softly in his sleep, he was now much more vocal during his nightmares. Sam hated the broken sounds his brother would make. He hated not being able to get Dean to talk about it. The only way Sam could think to fix it for his brother, was too keep the nightmares from happening, and a big part of that involved keeping Dean healthy.
Sam was permitted to get sick, he did quite often actually, he was never sure why. When Dean was being serious he would say it was because Sam was born premature, and his immune system wasn't given enough time to fully develop; but most of the time he just blamed Sam's hair, claiming that the germs were hiding inside of it. Their Dad always said Sam's constant sickness had to do with the amount of time he spent with his nose stuck in a book.
Either way, Sam was fine with being sick, just as long as Dean stayed healthy.
Sam wasn't allowed to hunt alone.
The two of them could split up if necessary (although it wasn't until Sam was an over-grown adult that it was acceptable), but Sam was never to go on a hunt all on his own. Dean could hunt without back-up, he could take the risk of being alone when it all went wrong, of dying alone. That risk was not okay for Sam. Dean's little brother would never be without back-up, not while he was still drawing air, and even when he wasn't, he didn't want Sam hunting alone. When Dean's year was running out and he knew he was going to hell, he had pleaded with Bobby to stay with Sam, to keep him safe; though both he and the seasoned hunter knew that Sam would do what he wanted and neither of them would be able to stop him. And what Sam had wanted at that time was to distance himself from anyone he cared about, knowing that their nearness to him would likely result in their demise.
Dean had been on hunts alone. He had been alone when they went wrong. He had been alone and injured. He had woken in the hospital, alone. None of that was okay for his little brother. Dean had always done everything to make sure that Sam never felt alone a single day in his life. He had always done what he could to keep Sam from having to wake up alone in a hospital bed, because he knew from experience that nothing made you feel more alone than that.
Dean could handle the pain and the loneliness of hunting by himself, and while he knew that Sam could cope with it as well, he never wanted the kid to ever have to.
No, Sam was not permitted to hunt alone.
Just as Dean was never to be bullied.
Sam had spent a great deal of his life being picked on shoved around, and while he wasn't a fan of it, it never broke him. It never broke him because he had Dean. But Sam could not handle seeing anyone abuse his brother in any way shape or form. It wasn't so much an issue when they were just kids at school, everybody always loved Dean and those who didn't were too frightened of him to say differently. Dean was rarely - if ever - bullied by his fellow students, which was good, because Sam would have been absolutely useless and defending Dean the way that he defended Sam. However, there were a few teachers who had mistreated Sam's big brother. The youngest Winchester would see the way those adults would look at Dean, like he was no good. Sam had once witnessed a teacher belittling his hero, and he had snapped, had he been older than eleven at the time he might have even gotten physical. Dean had been confused as hell, not even intervening until Sam was finished his tirade. Later that day when they had arrived back at the motel, Dean had tried to figure out what had set Sam off. The youngest Winchester had done his best to explain, but to this day he wasn't certain that his brother truly understood just how much it killed Sam when Dean was bullied or disrespected.
Bars were another danger, they were one of the few places where Dean was not seen as the tallest or most threatening man around, and was in danger of being somebody's target. That was the only reason Sam got a fake-ID the moment he looked even remotely old enough. He didn't care for hustling and really wasn't much for beer, and could have done without the loud, smoky, environment, but he wanted to watch his brother's back. He had seen Dean come home injured from one too many bar fights, and was eager to keep it from happening again. When the words got too harsh, or the threat too angry, Sam would step in, defending his brother, much to Dean's disapproval.
But Sam didn't care about Dean's macho image or how well he had the situation "handled," Sam refused to sit by and watch his brother be treated poorly. Because he knew how much Dean gave to the world, and the hero that he truly was. Sam knew that Dean deserved better. Regardless, of who the world saw when they looked at Dean, Sam knew that he was worthy of awards and medals, and it was never okay for him to be someone's punching bag.
Sam was fine with being bullied or picked out, he was used to it and on occasion he even deserved it, but Dean didn't. And Dean was never allowed to be anyone's victim.
Sam wasn't allowed to swear.
That rule was a little lower down on Dean's list, especially now that his brother had gotten so much older, but it was still there.
When they were kids, Sam wasn't permitted to curse. It didn't matter that their marine father hardly had the cleanest mouth, or that Dean was swearing like a sailor by the age of ten. What mattered was that Sam was too young and too good to speak with vulgar words. His brother's rule on cursing never bothered Sam much. He never really felt the need to use poor language, but it always threw him off that on the rare occasion he did, Dean would express disapproval. John didn't mind, he never even blinked when Sam started saying the f-word at the age of thirteen. But it bothered Dean. The older boy would shake his head with a tire sigh, and tell Sam to watch his language. That was all the incentive Sam needed to stop cursing, or at least do it out of his brother's earshot. Sam hated disappointing Dean, he spent the majority of his life striving to impress him and make him proud.
Dean had always known it was hypocritical of him to chastise his kid brother for swearing, after all he was likely the source of Sam's knowledge of curse words. Regardless, Dean was still not okay with it. Sam was better than him and smarter, and he needed to speak like it. Even now as an adult Sam would curse from time to time, but it was so rare that it still seemed so strange to hear bad language fall from the kid's lips.
It was simple, hypocritical, and absurd, but Sam wasn't allowed to swear.
They each had their own mental lists of what the other wasn't allowed to do. Both of their lists were full of impracticalities and hypocrisies. Both lists contained little things like sleeping arrangements and showering orders, as well as more important matters. Both lists forbid the other brother from ever being threatened or victimised by anyone else. Dean's tended to include very violent, graphic punishments for those who endangered Sam's wellbeing.
Both lists began with death.
The number one thing Dean was not permitted to do, was die.
And the number one thing Sam wasn't allowed to do, was die.
Each brother knew with everything they were and everything they had, that they could not live with the other dead.
It was a fact of their life. Just like Dean's love for the Impala, and Sam's preference of long hair.
They had stopped questioning it years ago, it was simply their reality.
The world could call it what they wanted.
Selfish.
Hypocritical.
Dangerously codependent.
Unhealthy.
Pathetic.
Needy.
Desperate.
It didn't matter what it was, no label would alter the fact that Dean would not allow Sam to die, any more than Sam could permit his brother's demise.
It was the reality that was ingrained in their brotherhood.
It was what heaven and hell used against them.
It was the reason angels and demons hated them.
It kept them breathing.
It kept them fighting.
It caused them both pain.
It endangered the world.
It would never change.
Because it was the biggest part of who they are, not just as brother, but as human beings.
Note: Not sure if I will add to this, or maybe pick a couple of the small stories to make into longer fics...what do you think? Any ideas? I am very rarely undecided, but I am for this one. Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it alright! - Sam