Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own, nor profit from Soul Eater.

Really Bad Sex
- OR -
Why Black Star Is Simultaneously The Best And Worst Friend A Guy Can Have

Part 1: Great Expectations

It was finally going to happen. All of the time, and feelings, and uncool situations were finally going to pay off. It would be the culmination of a year-long relationship - overcoming trust issues, one bat-shit crazy father, and a herd of resentful fan girls. He couldn't help the self-satisfied smirk that started to slide across his lips.

The smirk steadily grew into a full-on grin as he began to check items off of his list.

Candles?
Check

Roses?

Check

Reservations at the bistro around the corner?
Check

100 count box of condoms courtesy the Thompsons?
Hell yeah he was checking that off

For once, everything seemed like it was going his way. Lord Death had sent Spirit on a month long reconnaissance mission (Soul could have sworn that Lord Death winked in his direction after giving the orders but at the same time, Soul was having trouble wrapping his head around the concept of winking without eyelids… or eyes, for that matter). Yeah. That was weird, but it got Spirit out of the picture. Blair had moved in with her latest catch of the day, so it looked like for the first time since the beginning of their partnership Soul didn't have to worry about unwanted guests.

He could say, without a doubt, that he was the man. Or… he would be. In a few short hours, Soul would consummate his relationship with the most important person in his life. He would become a man! Take the bull by the horns! The Maka by the pigtails!

And just like that his pants got a hell of a lot tighter. Deeeeeeeeep breath. This was not the time to be overeager. Taking a few more deep breaths for good measure, he banished the thought of her silken hair running through his fingers as the tension kept building and crap. Eyes shifting to the alarm confirmed that there wouldn't be enough time for a cold shower – but it would be alright. He was a man after all, and men control their dicks.

Walking stiffly towards his room, he tried to take his mind off of his raging hard-on by internally checking off the rest of the items on his list.

Clothes laundered and ironed?
Check

Shoes shined?
Check

Breath fresh and minty?
Check

Maka's anniversary gift?
Check

By the time that the list was settled and Little Soul had calmed himself down, big Soul was buttoning up the last few buttons on his shirt. After agonizing for far longer than was cool to admit, he had finally come to the decision to pair his pinstriped slacks with a simple white button-down shirt. The shirt had been a gift Maka gave long before they had started dating, but this would be the first time that he got an opportunity to wear it. Checking himself in the mirror before heading out the door, he knew he looked good.

Tch, who was he kidding? He looked better than good – he looked cool.