Wrote this a while ago, just decided to include it in the Batman category. Has nothing to do with Ghosts. I'm a little hesitant about it.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.
She watched him through one of the cameras. He was in the middle of a fight, and doing well. She couldn't help but worry for him. She knew it wasn't her job, she wasn't his girlfriend. Barbara sighed. He wouldn't know the reason why. The real reason why she kept him at a distance. Not because she didn't love him, god no. Not because of the chair either, and her inability to do stuff like he seems to think.
. . . That was part of the reason for not having a relationship with him, but it wasn't the main one. Dick was incredible, free, and he was prone to getting into a hell of a lot of trouble, even when he didn't try. Dick knew Barbara was strong and independent, but if she had a relationship with him . . . She wasn't sure she would be able to trust anyone to protect him like she could. Not saying he wasn't capable but . . .
Barbara knew that Dick would do anything to protect them and others he sees as his family, even if they hate them. Because of this, Barbara knew he needed someone to worry about and protect him, or else he might not make it back.
She got the worry part down but in her current physical state, she wouldn't be able to protect him. She'd only be able to watch him behind a computer screen and pray he doesn't get hurt.
She knew Dick was more than capable of taking care of himself, and on occasion, he's protected her. But it was like the stupid idiot had a death wish. If he dies, she swears she's going to kill him. How, she's not sure, but she'll find away.
She can't stand it. Can't stand watching behind a computer screen as he fights a bunch of baddies, occasionally getting hit.
So her solution? To push him away so she doesn't get hurt. It's selfish, she knows this, but she just can't stand not knowing that every time she's sees him might be the last time, that each time he walks out the door he might not come back.
With her dad a cop, it was something she lived with her whole life but she hated it. Despite her attempts to distance him and to push him away, he keeps coming back. Dick, Barbara swears, is possibly one of the more stubborn members of the Bats.
When his mind was set on something, he was determined to do it and she was pretty sure nothing short of the apocalypse will stop him. Threatening people he cares about won't work, because then all his stubbornness and determination goes toward protecting them and keeping them safe.
There was a part of her she refuses to acknowledge that hoped at the very least he'll keep coming back to her, since he was stubborn enough that he refused to give up on her. But Dick . . . He was not allowed to die.
Barbara was comforted in the fact that the other Bats agreed with her, silently and out loud. On some level, Dick kept them all sane, and was like a light. He was like an older brother to most of them, someone to take their problems to and he would listen, giving comfort and advice.
In this way, he reminded her of Alfred. Alfred was a person who would listen, too. They weren't hesitant to show emotion around him, and when they did show emotion he wouldn't care that it was them, that they were Bats.
Sometimes he was so much like Alfred it was scary.
Dick, on the other hand, insisted that they would be fine without him. Ha. Barbara bet they'd all try to kill each other a week after the funeral. She knew a part of her loved him, but he was just . . . him. He was frustrating, complicated, unpredictable, constantly changing, switching between emotions in the blink of an eye, other times remaining the same, a constant presence.
He was quick to laugh, slow to anger, unless you knew the right thing to say. You think you know him, and then he surprises you.
She loved him all the more for that. But losing him terrified her. For Barbara Gordon, being terrified of losing someone other than her dad is unusual. To her, she saw it as a weakness unless she was able to prevent it.
In this damn chair, she couldn't protect him, and honestly, if she ever dated him, she wouldn't trust anyone to protect him and watch his back like she could. And again, there's the reason why.
The reason why she pushed him away, why she shut him out. It hurt, but if she was being honest with herself, she didn't know what else to do. Seeing him with another person would tear her apart, but he'd be happy at least.
He was amazing, and didn't belong with a person like her no matter how many times he told her otherwise. He always said he didn't deserve her. She felt it was the other way around.
For now, Dick would never know the reason why. Maybe someday he would know, but not today. The reason why. The reason why she hurt them both. He wouldn't understand now, but someday, someday she'd tell him the reason why.
Barbara Gordon did not push Dick Grayson away because she didn't love him, but rather because she loved him she pushed him away. She convinced herself it was better for both parties, though the pain and hurt lingered in her heart.
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