Where Have You Been?

by KelseyLoVe

Buffy goes to visit Angel 4 years after she was relieved of being the only Chosen One. She finds something she thought she'd lost forever... Read and Review!

Summary: Buffy goes to visit Angel 4 years after she was relieved of being the only "Chosen One." She finds something she thought she'd lost forever.

Disclaimer:I do not own Buffy or Angel, Joss Whedon is the lucky one who does.

She was different. There were things you could tell just by looking at her. As she neared the door of an old friend, the walk of determination and purpose had left her. What remained was a walk filled with excitement, a feeling she had rarely been given the luxury of in the past. Some things were the same, of course. She still had her beautiful, long blonde hair and the fierce green eyes. Her wardrobe was still undeniably her own, but now she didn't have to worry about how mobile she could be in an outfit, only how cute. She had told him she didn't "want to be the one." Now she wasn't, and that was the difference. But she didn't like to think about him.

Buffy reached the door. She felt as though she should knock or ring a doorbell, to somehow announce her presence before barging into his life. It was a place of business, however, so it seemed silly to do either of those things. With a sigh, she pushed open the door, but only slightly, and peeked inside. She saw no one, so with a slight frown she slipped through the door, closing it behind her. Trying to use the stealth of her fighting days she crept towards what looked like makeshift offices, but her stiletto heels prevented the possibility of not making a sound. She had almost reached the 'front desk' when he came around the corner. Taking a deep breath, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Can I help you?" he asked without looking up from a book he had in his hands. When she made no response, he looked up. There was a strange look of recognition, confusion and happiness on his face, "Buffy?"

"Hi, Angel," she said, gulping with fear of his reaction to seeing her.

With his tall frame he closed the gap between them in one stride, before wrapping his arms around her and spinning her around. Buffy couldn't help but laugh, and Angel stopped suddenly. "It's so good to hear that," he said.

"Hear what?" she looked quizzical, but still couldn't stop smiling.

"Your laugh," he stated, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "I don't know that I'd ever heard it before."

She shrugged as Angel put her feet back on the ground, "I can do a lot of things that I'd never been able to before, now that I'm not the Chosen One."

Angel smirked, "That's definitely understandable." He led her over toward the couches in the lobby. "So where have you been?" he asked sounding slightly bitter.

"I've kind of been all over. After a long rest from the fight, I got a little antsy. I kept thinking of all of these things I'd dreamt of doing but always thought I could never do before. I spent time all over the country visiting everyone and taking my own little side trips on the way. Willow and Kennedy, one of the slayers, moved to Greenwich Village in New York where Willow… well she does stuff with computers. You know how she was always good at that. Kennedy keeps the vampires there well under control. I never know where Wood and Faith are these days. I think they'll settle down eventually, but Faith's wild nature is taking him all over the world. They keep in touch, though, and I've been able to join them on some of their adventures. Giles is back in England, where he truly belongs. It's interesting to see him in his natural element. I've spent months there with him and he truly is the father I never had. Now that he doesn't have slaying to bother me about, he finds things in my life to bother me about, but I don't really mind. Xander… he was a little lost after Anya died. We all were really worried about him, but I knew he was too good of a guy to wander alone for long. He found someone who was incredibly normal, just like him, with a great heart, just like him. Her name is Beth and they've been together for a year now. I talked to him yesterday and he said he'd found the perfect ring. He's got a long, romantic plan to ask her, and I'm completely happy for him. Dawn is in college now. It's her sophomore year at the University of California, San Francisco. She's happy there, and she's not too far from home. I live in Santa Monica at the moment. It's a really nice studio apartment…"

"You live alone?" somehow he sensed it in her voice. There was some small fragment of sorrow that hadn't been there while she raved about her friends' lives.

She shrugged, putting on a little smile, "Yeah, but it's fine, and I'm not completely alone. I have an adorable brown lab, with gorgeous blue eyes. He sleeps in my bed with me, and greets me when I get home. I know he'd protect me no matter what, and even if I don't need it, that fact makes me feel safe. I'm sure it sounds silly…"

Angel did laugh just a little, but more because she'd had a silly look on her face while talking about the dog. "It sounds more like you're talking about a person than a dog. What's his name, by the way?"

"Spi—" she started, but quickly recovered, "Spencer. His name's Spencer."

Angel squinted at her, "It sounded like you started to say—"

"Could I use the restroom?" Buffy asked interrupting a question she didn't want to answer. "It was a long drive, with all of the traffic. I just want to freshen up a bit." She stood up, looking around for somewhere she could shut herself in.

Angel still had an accusing look on his face, but he put his hand on her elbow and started leading her back by the offices, "Sure. This way." He pointed straight ahead at a door. Before they made it to the front desk, Angel strode out in front of her and then went to her left. He stood in a doorway, obscuring the view within. Buffy didn't notice this move, and simply walked quickly towards the restroom.

"Thank you," she looked over her shoulder at him.

He smiled, "Of course."

Buffy couldn't help it. She went to him and practically jumped into his arms, holding him tightly. "I'm sorry I didn't contact you. I knew that you'd know I'd survived, and I just wasn't ready to see you yet. I had a lot of baking to do still."

Angel laughed at the return of her cookie reference, "Are you ready to eat, yet?" He had his trademark smirk stretched across his face.

Buffy smiled back and was inches away from kissing him into oblivion, but that's when a bright white blob over Angel's shoulder caught her eye. "Wow Angel, I can't believe you'd hire someone who looked so much like…" she trailed off as she stared harder. That bright white blob was the back of a head with bleached blonde hair and that head was connected to a body covered by a long, black leather duster. Her arms went limp around Angel and he let her down. Angel was speechless, he'd hoped, even knowing it was impossible, that he could keep him a secret, at least for a while.

Buffy stared through the glass door at him. The fact that he was moving around made her mouth drop slightly open. She hadn't seen his face yet, though, and despite the fact that every fiber in her was screaming out his name, she wouldn't believe it until she saw his face, until she reached out and touched him, until she heard the rough English accent that made shivers go down her spine. She moved beyond Angel, never taking her eyes off of him, scared to blink because he might disappear. Her hand clasped the door handle before turning it and pushing her way in. Buffy took a couple of steps forward, silently, or at least she thought so.

"Hey, poofta. You got that coffee I asked for?" he asked, rifting through the papers on his desk.

Buffy brought her hand to her mouth to suppress it, but a small cry escaped despite her efforts. He spun around in that chair faster than anything she'd ever seen. Those blue eyes looked deep into her soul, even in that split second. His face was pained as if his heart were constricted in his chest. Buffy couldn't breathe; he looked exactly like he had when she'd had to leave him that day. When she had to tear herself away from something she'd just put herself in the position to be able to pull away from. She'd gotten close to someone and so had he. They hadn't known what it meant, but it had surely meant something. She had been miserable over the fact that he had died before she could love him that way he wanted her to.

Without her consent, a tear fell from her eye. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, but all her heart wanted was to feel his cool skin under her fingertips. To know that it was real.

He sat there, unmoving, except for the different emotions that flickered over his features. She slowly put one foot in front of the other until she was standing above him. He stood up in front of her and she began to reach a trembling hand towards his face. There was fear in her that she would try and touch him, but her hand would just go through him because he was a figment of her imagination. When her shaking fingertips were an inch from his cheek he closed his eyes, waiting for the contact. Buffy, too, closed her eyes hoping that it would give her the strength to find out if this were really happening or if it were a dream. Her hand moved and she gasped when it met something solid. Their eyes shot open, boring into each other.

Spike brought his hand up to cover hers with his own. Buffy shuddered in disbelief and relief at the same time. Suddenly, the joy she felt at seeing him was replaced by anger and she gave him a strong left hook sending him sprawling on the floor.

"Nice to see you, too," he quipped rubbing his jaw.

Buffy stormed towards him, "Where the HELL have you been?"

"Well, actually…" he started, but Buffy was far from done.

"Did you somehow… God! Did you survive? Did the amulet protect you somehow? Could you have had the decency to contact someone?" she said, and then continued quieter, meekly, "Did you die? Because for the past four years that's what I've believed. It's what I've been forced to accept. I mean… how long have you been here? Did it ever occur to you that I might be out there… looking for you?" she asked. Despite the overlying rage, the anguish she felt was undeniable. Spike was ashamed and went to answer her, but she continued. "I've been all over the world Spike. Don't get me wrong; I've been doing my share of moving on and trying to forget… But no matter where I was, I was searching. My eyes might not have been scanning the crowd, and I didn't attack every bleach blonde guy I saw… but my heart was searching," she took a deep breath. "You saved the world Spike, and I couldn't have been more awed by that fact or more proud to have known you. But I kept wishing, thinking that there had to have been another way. Some way that we didn't think of that would've let you leave that place by my side. Of all the difficult things I've had to do, leaving you down there to die…" Buffy shook her head slightly, before having to jump to something else. "My mind accepted the fact that you were gone for good this time, that after all of the times I'd wanted you to stay gone and you'd returned against my wishes, this would be the opposite. I'd wanted you to stay with me, but you left and were never coming back. My heart, however, I think it felt you, because it never gave up. I had to suppress it, though, because the thought that you were out there somewhere without me was worse than thinking you were dead." Buffy finally reached the point where she couldn't go on, and sunk into the closest chair, staring at nothing.

A tear rolled down Spike's cheek. He didn't know what to say, and he didn't know how he could right what he'd done wrong. There had been a huge part of him that had wanted to find her. He'd known that if he tried, something in him would've led him straight to her, but somehow he couldn't. There was Angel always around, just his presence was enough to remind Spike that she hadn't truly loved him. Buffy had loved Angel with all of her heart. Spike had just barely gotten an "I love you" out of her, and he wasn't even sure she'd meant it. Even if she had, he knew she was far from loving him the way he loved her. If he'd gone to her, what could he offer? There were hundreds of Slayers now; she would surely be taking a break from all things supernatural. She would be free to have a normal relationship with a normal human guy who could give her everything she wanted. What would she possibly want with him?

Spike picked himself up off the ground and went to kneel before her. "I'm going to say that I'm sorry, even though I know it doesn't even begin to make up for what I put you through," he began. Buffy wouldn't meet his eyes, "I thought it would be easier for you if I let you go on and have a normal life, now that you had a shot at one. I thought you at least deserved that."

"I deserved a choice," she said simply, looking him in the eyes again. Buffy wanted to say more, to talk about how much she'd begun to care for him before he died, but she finally remembered someone else's presence. Buffy stood up to face Angel, "And you? Were you just going to hope that I didn't discover he was here? I now realize that you were conveniently standing in front of this door earlier, effectively blocking my view. And don't even try and say that you couldn't figure out how to tell me. I know I haven't been here long, but you should've told me." Angel couldn't say anything to her, because he knew she was right.

Buffy was beyond frustrated with the whole situation, "I'm glad that you both wanted the best for me. It proves that you care, but I'm old enough to be able to determine what's best for myself. And I think the best thing I can do right now is go lie down, because my head's starting to spin." After a beat she moved past Angel and then headed for the stairs. "If I come back and you two are fighting, or if there is only one of you left… Well I think you know that it won't be pretty," she called over her shoulder, before climbing the stairs to find a suitable room.

Spike glared hard at Angel, "Were you really going to try and keep us apart? What did you think you would get her to fall madly in love with you again and then just calmly mention me over dinner? 'Oh and by the way, Spike's not dead, he's been working with me the past four years'," Spike imitated Angel, and then Buffy's response, "'Spike who, baby?'

"Actually, I bet that's exactly what you wanted. That's pretty low for someone who tries to be so righteous," Spike spat, before pushing past him and out into the lobby. He couldn't handle being in that hotel anymore, but it was still light outside. "Arrgh!" Spike screamed, "Do you know how much I loved her! How much I still do? Do you, you selfish bastard?

"How many times did I want to go find her, but you convinced me otherwise? Every reason you gave me not to go was bullshit, but I was too stupid to see that you didn't care nearly as much about Buffy as you did about keeping me away from her." Spike shook his head at him before going to sit on the couch in the lobby, purposely facing away from Angel. He couldn't stand to look at him.

"Can you blame me?" Angel asked, and Spike's head whipped around.

"Bloody right, I can," Spike contradicted.

Angel scoffed, "You would've done the same thing in my place. If you loved her as much as you say you do—"

"Nope, that's where you got it all wrong. If you loved her as much as you say you do, then you wouldn't keep Buffy from someone she cares about, no matter what, no matter who. If I'd been in your place, I would've realized that if she didn't know whether you were dead or alive, she would've never been complete.

"Listen close, because I don't wager I'll ever say this again, but you are something to her, or in the least, you were, and with Buffy it really doesn't matter which of those it is. Once you manage to get in her heart, she doesn't let you leave without one hell of a fight. She protects her heart as well as she can. Instead of letting you into her heart and then deciding if you're worth it, she makes perfectly sure that you are before allowing admittance.

"I'd just gotten that privilege when I had to make the choice to be her champion… even if that meant I'd never see her again," Spike ended, speaking to Angel who now wouldn't look at him. Spike let out a heavy sigh, realizing what he'd just said and that it had made him start pacing back and forth. Angel looked at him then with the strangest combination of emotions, none of which Spike would have a chance to identify. Angel stormed out of the room towards the sewers with his leather trench coat billowing behind him.

Spike fell back onto the couch massaging his temples to try and get rid of the pounding that had started soon after Buffy walked in the room. The thoughts were rushing around so much that he was unable to slow them enough to really think about anything. He wanted to scream, he wanted to pull out his hair, he wanted to cry, he wanted to die.

A warm hand touched his shoulder so lightly, he barely noticed, "Spike?"

Spike let out a breath before slowly turning around, "No, I didn't kill him. He left."

"I didn't think you killed him," she replied with a roll of her eyes, "That's not what I wanted." Buffy looked at him with something akin to anticipation.

Spike gulped, "What did you want then?"

She sat down next to him and shrugged, "Was it true?"

"Was what true?" he asked scanning his brain for some clue as to what she was talking about.

Buffy looked him straight in the eyes, "Everything you just said."

After getting over the momentary shock that she'd been listening he replied quickly and simply, "Yes. Everything."

She searched his face for a moment before turning away to look at her hands resting in her lap, "That's what I thought."

Spike tilted his head to the side, squinting his eyes slightly, trying to decipher if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Then out of nowhere, after he'd thought she was going to say no more, she simply said, "I missed you." And then she looked at him with two of the most tired eyes he'd ever seen. A veil had been lifted and the anger she'd shown him earlier was gone, only a certain longing remained.

"I missed you, too, Buffy," Spike replied, feeling so much relief to be able to say that to her and know that she had felt the same way.

"It was so hard. I knew that I should be happy and carefree, and to an extent I was. The burden from slaying was completely gone. I never had to touch a stake again if I didn't want to. I did go back to slaying occasionally, but the fact was that it was my choice now. Even though my life was so much better, and I was free to meet all of these new people without fear of getting them killed, I just didn't feel right. I felt like you had died when I should have, that it was my world you died for."

"I died for you," he said. Buffy snapped her head to look at him. "Well don't get me wrong, I wanted to save the world. It was like I said; I felt my soul for the first time. For the first time I felt like I was a good person. I felt like I was good enough for you. Even if I was dead, I had been good enough for you for a moment," he finished looking down at his feet.

"Spike," she said getting him to look up at her, "You were good enough for me long before that specific moment in time. You were good enough for me when you defended me to my friends, standing by me when they wouldn't. You were good enough for me when you came to find me afterwards and gave me the strength I needed to fight Caleb. And you were good enough for me even before you had your soul. There was a time when I don't think I was good enough for you. I used you, you loved me and I used that to my advantage. So don't think that you had to sacrifice your life for the world to be good enough for me," Buffy said, correcting him.

Spike sighed deeply, unsure of how he should respond to the beautiful things she had just said to him. He decided that the only appropriate thing to say was something he hadn't been able to tell her for a long time, "Buffy?"

"Yeah?" she questioned.

"I love you more than anything," Spike breathed.

The corner of Buffy's mouth drew up in the beginning of a smile, "I know."

Spike nodded before standing up to pace in front of the couch, "So… Do you think… I mean, I know you said it, but do you think that maybe… someday… you could…"

"Yes," Buffy said, interrupting his babbling. "I think that some day I could love you as much as you love me. That I could love you the way you love me. I do."

Spike stopped, baffled, "You do?" Buffy nodded with a small smile on her lips. "Right… Well, this is turning into a bloody terrific day," Spike said with the biggest grin she'd ever seen. "It still doesn't top that night… that night is still by far the best night of my life, but now there's the promise of more nights like that in my future…" he shook his head in disbelief, feeling as if he could cry and jump for joy at the same time.

Buffy got up from the couch and went to him, looking into his eyes, "I would like that."

Spike tilted his head in the sweet way that he does and then brushed the hair on her cheek behind her ear before pulling her face gently to him and kissing her. Spike felt like he was burning alive, and the scary thing was that he actually knew what that felt like. His hands were holding her tightly to him and they were shaking.

He'd dreamt of this moment every day since he came back. The dreams—as depressing as it was to wake up afterwards—kept him going in a way. He could pretend that it was really happening, that he was really holding her in his arms, even though that wasn't the case. But every night he woke up to an empty bed and an empty feeling inside. The dreams were fake, and they did no justice to what he really felt when he was with Buffy. His dreams hadn't just come true, because what was happening was so much more than he had imagined.

He'd forgotten the smell of her skin, the way her hair felt under his fingertips, the feel of her breath on his face, the gentle but strong way she held him to her. Those were details that got lost after years apart, but now as they stood unable to part from each other, every little thing about her that he loved came flooding back. There was never any doubt inside him that he loved everything about her, but now he was exposed to all of those things and reminded why he loved all of it.

"Spike?" she asked. He almost groaned hearing his name come from her mouth.

He was forced though to stop smothering her with kisses and move back to look at her, "Yea, love, what is it?"

She was falling apart, "I missed you so much." The sobs she'd kept inside came crushing forward. The strength she'd shown to hide the pain she'd felt crumbled. The feelings she'd been unable to share with anyone were there for Spike to feel with her.

He held her so tightly to him that he might have broken a normal girl. "Baby, I missed you, too," he choked out, "But it's okay now. No more tears." Spike felt her body shudder against him and then she seemed to calm herself down.

"I'm sorry, it's just that—" she started to explain, but Spike stopped her.

"I know," he assured her, "Emotions are runnin' a lil' high." As a tear ran down her cheek, Spike caught it. "No need to apologize for it," he said.

She smiled while sniffling and wiping her face. Once she was composed, she had a proposition, "So I seem to remember you wanting coffee earlier… still up for it?"

"O' course, I am. Are you the Starbucks, or more artsy coffee house kind of girl?" he asked leading her towards the doorway.

"Hmmm," she pondered, "I think I'm more in the mood for an artsy coffee house where we can disappear in a corner and not be bothered or noticed by anyone."

"That's my girl," he said slinging his arm around her shoulders.