Best I Ever Had

Summary: They all think you have gone crazy, that you've gone just a little bit mad. And perhaps you have. Because Tori Vega was the best you ever had.

Warning: Angst

Pairing: Jade West/Tori Vega

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Author's note: Hey guys! This is my second piece that I've ever written for this fandom, it's sort of a follow up to my first fic Whispers of The Night but you don't necessarily have to read it to understand what is happening in this story. I have a lot of love for this story and I hope you guys do too!

At first, you tell yourself that this is normal, that anyone who has undergone this type of trauma like you have would have residual side effects. You tell yourself that it is okay, even your less than qualified but still overly priced therapist who smells too much like booze and left over pizza swears that this type of behavior is normal. You swear to yourself that eventually it will end: maybe it will be next week after the show, or perhaps when the next red car passes you on the highway, or the next time that you eat frozen yoghurt without wanting to burst into tears. Eventually, this will end, you swear. And you'll get your life back; you won't be haunted by the darkness or by the sounds of life in the middle of the night.

In due course, you will get your life back and it will go on. Well, as much as it could for someone who has went through what you have. But you're not the victim here; she is… or rather, was.

You assure yourself every night at the end of an alcohol bottle or with the last draw of your cigarette, that things will return back to normal, at least as normal as life could be and that your life will be your own again.

But when those dreadful nights turn into weeks that turn into everlasting months, you begin to realize that perhaps the crazy Jade isn't going anywhere. Perhaps you really have gone mad and everyone should avoid you the way they do. At first, you thought it was because they didn't know what to say to you, but now you understand that it's because they are scared of you. Not because you're the bad ass that you had been before, but rather because you're the poor pathetic girl whose girlfriend is dead and she wanders around the hallways talking to herself. Now, you're the girl that everyone feels sorry for, the girl that everyone talks about in passing compassionate gazes, the one that the teachers never give homework to because they think you're incapable of using what is left of your brain.

And originally, that was perfectly okay with you. Because honestly? Fuck homework and fuck people for whatever that is worth. You didn't need them or their compassion and you sure as hell did not need to spend your nights driving yourself insane over busywork questions that didn't mean anything. God knows that you're driving yourself crazy enough as it is reliving every last moment of that night, every last painful detail of the night that your life seemingly just stopped.

It's been four months since the accident and the fact that you can still remember every moment, hear every sound makes you question your sanity. But hell, you lost that when you fell for Tori, didn't you?

'You're going to be late.'

You roll your eyes as you shut your locker door. She's here; she's everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. She is just enough to drive you crazy but not quite nearly enough so that she leaves you wanting more. She's every good feeling in the world swelling in the bottom of your stomach along with every pang of heart ache and guilt that echoes in your chest. She is a hurricane and you're a steady downpour, she is the gentle breeze on a sunny day. She is everything and nothing all at once. She is the one who drives you insane and the only one who anchors you with stability.

"I know. But it is fine," You reply to the empty air. You toss your backpack over your shoulder, leaning against your locker and she giggles that all too familiar giggle that makes the butterflies flutter in the pit of her stomach, even now. She has always had a way with you, a way that no one else ever did, not even Beck. She made you happy, legitimately. She made you feel all those warm and fluffy things that you thought were ridiculously superficial in all those damn romance movies. She made you believe in love again, she made you trust and hope and dream.

Tori Vega saved you from the reckless seas of your overly dramatic life without even thinking about it, without even trying. And maybe it was because she was meant to, because she was meant for you, the same way that you were meant for her.

'You do realize that Sikowitz will eventually lose his patience with you, Jade.'

"And then what? It's not like he is going to do anything. I'm the only one who can act worth a shit. And besides, everyone in this school is walking on eggshells around me. They think I'm going to have a bloody break down or something. They're all waiting for me to crawl to the back of the classroom and start eating my hair or something," You huff, shifting your weight forcefully. You don't have to see her to know that she is smiling right now.

'I saw an episode about that on Strange Addictions once. It was weird. If you eat your hair, I might not love you anymore.'

"Right, because you love me now. Loved me so much that you left me," You snap in a haste, rolling your eyes as you take a long swig of the steaming hot coffee in your hands. You can hear her sigh, a gentle vibration that tickles within your ear.

'Jade'

It's the kind of tone that lets you know you are in trouble. You sigh, flipping your hair behind your shoulder and that is when you feel it. A gentle caress against your cheek, a soft hand upon your shoulder, you can feel her weight leaning against you and the sound of her shuffling feet against the tiled floor of Hollywood Arts. You can feel her touch you, move you, inside of you. You close your eyes, inhaling deeply as the sparks ignite inside of you. You can see her there, hidden away behind your clinched eyelids, in her skinny jeans and band t-shirt, her hair hanging in waves just around her shoulders.

She is perfect, flawless, a testament of time.

You lean back into her gentle touch, your heart soaring at the gentle contact shared between the two of you, something so simplistic but still so meaningful. Quietly, you open your eyes with a long flutter of your lashes, but when you do, you realize that she is gone.

Just like she always has been.

Just like she always will be.

Most of the time you find it comforting the way that she comes to you, the way that she always know just the right thing to say. Most days, you look forward to the way that her voice echoed inside of your head and the way that her secret touches sent your body into overdrive. Most of the time, you were living just for that brief moment, that second, your second with Tori.

But sometimes, it is just annoying. Annoying because you're the only one who can hear her, because you're the only one that is still visibly distraught over what happened. And maybe that is the whole point of this anyway.

Because after all, Tori Vega loved screwing with you, even as your girlfriend.

For the most part, when you're in public, you try to ignore her. People already look at you like you are going to break, people already go out of their way to feel sorry for you, and you don't want to give them more of a reason to pity you. But sometimes, it is just too hard. Like when you are with your group of friends, or when you're out shopping, or especially when you find yourself in alone situations with Beck.

She is jealous, even now and as frustrating as the annoying voice in your ear can be, you can't help but think it's cute. You're not sure if she's so talkative when Beck is around because she is insecure about your relationship with him or if she simply wants your attention all to herself, honestly, you think it might be a mixture of both.

Beck offered to take you out for coffee after school and for some reason, you agreed to go. Perhaps you missed spending time with him, or maybe it was because you knew that Tori would certainly tag along. You're leaning more to the latter part of that.

You're sitting at your favorite coffee shop at the booth next to the window, the same table that you sat at with Tori after your first date and you realized the way that her eyes shone when the lights reflected off them. It was the first night that you realized Tori Vega might just be the one who changes you. You never could have known how much.

'Shouldn't we be at rehearsals? Or you know… home? Or heck, even a third world country? Shouldn't we be anywhere but at our coffee shop with Beck?'

She is pouting and in all honesty, you find that you can't stop smiling.

"Our coffee shop, huh?" You reply with a subtle grin and she huffs.

'I don't like you being out with him.'

There is a new tone in her voice now, one that you can't really recognize. You're not sure if the fact that she hates Beck has all to do with jealousy anymore or if she is just simply concerned with your well-being. Either way, you wished that she could see it, that nobody else in the world could ever compare to her, that you never wanted to try with anyone else, including Beck.

"Relax. We're friends." You reply, taking a sip of your caffeine.

'We were friends too once. Well, sort of friends. And someone once said love is friendship set on fire. Beck is a bad guy, Jade. He did you terrible, if you remember. I don't want that happening again'

There's a crack in her voice and your heart breaks.

"Tori" You breathe in a hushed sigh.

'I'm serious. You're more than that, Jade. We're… we're more than that.'

And that is when you hear it, at least, when you really hear it. The cry is thickening in the back of her throat and you know the tears are forming in her eyes. Licking your lips, you close your eyes as you glance in the direction of her voice and that is when you see her. She is sitting there, or rather slumping at this point, in the booth beside of you. Her face is sullen; the tears are burning in her dark brown eyes, she looks like her entire world has been stolen away from her. And suddenly, you sigh, you realize that it has.

'You're moving on…without me.'

She's crying and then suddenly, you are too. You're not sure why or how but suddenly the tears are spilling down your cheeks faster than you can catch them.

"No, Tori. I could…. I could never move on without you. I couldn't. I don't love him, not like I love you. It's… it's… you're the one. You were supposed to be the one. Why did you go away? Where…why…I fucking love you." You sob, the cry bellowing from within the hollowness of your throat. Then suddenly, you feel a hand upon your shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. When you open your eyes, however, you find that Tori is gone and Beck is now the one who is hovering over you with that all too sympathetic look upon his face.

"Are you okay?" He asks. You want to slap him, spit in his face, and knee him in the groin because obviously you are not okay. Your girlfriend is dead. The fucking love of your life is dead and it is your entire fault, how are you supposed to be okay with that? However, you do none of the above, but instead you inhale deeply, biting your bottom lip softly.

"I'll survive," You reply. But honestly, you're not so sure that you will.

There are times when Tori disappears for days on end and you finds yourself lost in the endless silence; wondering if maybe she's off visiting someone else. Or shopping in the Mall of America.

Or front row, maybe, at some band you've never even heard of.

Or sliding down rainbows without a care in the world.

You blame the bourbon for that last one, yeah. You blame the bourbon. That and the way that Beck looks at you with a pity so palpable that you almost choke around the tang of it in the back of your throat.

You can't sleep in the silence. And you can't bring yourself to care.

'Don't you think that dress is a little too tight?'

There it is the voice that you have missed so much. She returns after days of absence as if nothing in the world is wrong, as if she had never left you in the first place. And even though you know her stay inside of your head is only temporary, when she returns, your heart beats just a little faster.

"It is fine, Vega. Don't be so jealous," You reply with a chuckle.

Because, as it turns out, this ethereal version of Tori Vega respects the rules of fashion about as much as the tangible one had.

You're in Sikowitz's class when everything begins to fall apart and you find yourself thinking that particular outcome has been inevitable since the night of the accident. Because as much as you have tried to keep everything together since the night of the accident and as much as you have tried to keep the voice inside of your head simply just in your head, you are not as stable as you should be, you're not as strong as you need to be.

You're sleep deprived and on edge when Sikowitz pairs you with Beck for a love scene. And then suddenly you're fighting in front of the classroom with the insane teacher who drinks coconut milk for whatever excuse this week. You're fighting with him over something that you can't even remember saying. Or not saying. Or thinking about saying. You are telling him how insensitive he is for doing this do you, and how much of an asshole he is for pairing you with Beck when you are still in love with Tori and he's telling you that you're out of line. And right now, you can't remember the last time you felt anything other than hollowed out.

Also, you haven't exactly heard from Tori in a while.

"I love Tori! Did you fucking hear that, Vega?! I love you! Not Beck. I'm not moving on with my life without you, I am not planning my future with him. I don't care about him. He is a grease hair monkey! He's nothing to me. You're… you're everything. You're it. You're the one! You're my soulmate, do you hear me?! My soulmate! And Sikowitz can't change that! Nothing can change that! I love you! Please tell me that you love me too!" You cry out.

There is no answer.

The first time you admit to hearing Tori talking to you is that Friday in the park with Andre. The two of you are sitting on the swings and you can't stop thinking about the last time you were here with Tori. It was autumn, the leaves were turning colors and you remember you turned to her and told her just how beautiful she truly is. It was the moment that you surprised yourself with the cheesiness and the moment that you stole Tori Vega's breath completely.

It is different now though. Now, there is an absence in the park, even though everything has remained the same. Everything has changed. And the initials the two of you carved into the swing set are just a mocking reminder of the life that you should have had with her.

There is a baited breath between you and your friend before Andre finally speaks.

"I made her a promise, you know; that I'd look out for you." He smiles at you, sad and slow, the way that everyone seems to do these days, "And I don't think I have done a very good job of doing that lately so I am sorry." Tori asked Andre to look out for you? Jesus. Was she really that desperate? But then again, there is something so sickeningly sweet about the idea of Tori making sure that you were taken care of.

"Tori asked you to take care of me?" You ask and Andre nods, kicking absently at a fallen leaf as he pushes herself forward in the chained swing. Sometimes you forget that the two of you had been good friends once, you haven't spoken to him much since the accident. He reminds you too much of Tori, everything reminds you too much of Tori.

"Tori…Tori loved you, Jade. Like, really loved you. I didn't always understand why. After all she was the one who convinced me that going out with you was a really bad idea. You're not exactly… the type of person that should belong with Tori. You're reckless and a-a bad ass and you're rude and mean and you never let anyone in ever no matter how long you have been friends with them and…"

"Your point?" You growl in annoyance and the boy hangs his head with a sigh.

"My point is that when it came to how Tori saw you?" He looks up at you, a new ache of pain written within his dark eyes and suddenly there is a lump too thick to swallow in the back of your throat, "she never saw those things, Jade. She saw you as a beautiful young woman, with so much passion, desire, a woman with the entire world in front of her. A woman worth fighting for, worth waiting for. When Tori… you were the one. And I know that sounds ridiculous and stupid because we're teenagers and what do we know about love anyway, right? But…" You interrupt him with a sniffle.

"She was the one too, Andre." You state and you can practically feel the entire world shift at that statement. And then suddenly, she's there. In the wind, in your lungs, in your veins, she's everywhere.

'I was?'

"She was?" Swallowing hard, you nod your head as you pick at one of the holes in your jeans. You never admitted it, not out loud anyway, that Tori Vega was the one who made you dream of all those stupid, cheesy things that all girls dream of. Weddings, family, happily ever after's, and all the crap they try to sell to you on holidays. You had everything to lose and Tori had been the one girl you would have given it up for.

"I would have asked her to marry me." You state, your breath lost in the quaint cold.

'I would have said yes'

Your heart flutters at her voice, you hadn't expected to hear it, at least certainly not here of all places. Suddenly your stomach is fluttering with what feels like a million pterodactyls and your palms are clammy and you unexpectedly find that you're nervous. What? You, Jade West? Pf, you're never nervous. But then again, this is Tori, and she has certainly never played by the rules.

"Really?" You whisper in disbelief.

"What?" Andre asks, breaking in the silence, reminding you that you are not alone. However, you're too focused on Tori to pay him, or the scene around you, any attention.

'Yes, really. I would have said yes in a heartbeat. You are the one, Jade. You always were. And we would have been happy together. So incredibly happy. You would be the rockstar and I'd be doing my own thing and our kids would be in a band and life would have great for us.'

It really would have been great, you sigh as the bitter tears sting within your eyes. All those things would have come true. You would be living a big house in California with your huge pool in the back and your three kids, two boys and a girl. You would have had everything you could have ever asked for and more.

"But then you died." You murmur.

"What? Who died? Jade?" Damn it, Andre.

'I did. Life… life doesn't always work out the way that we want it to. Because I assure you, I didn't exactly wake up that morning and ask to die. But it happened anyway. I just… I just like to think that I was lucky'

"How do you figure?"

"Jade?"

'Because for a few moments in time, a brief moment, I had you. And I was trying my hardest to make you the happiest because you made me the happiest.'

And then suddenly, you forget how to breathe, you forget how to speak, you forget how to do anything but simply be lost in this moment before mesmerized by Tori Vega. You want to say something but you don't know quite how, instead you just sit there, inhaling that all too familiar scent. Then softly, you feel her, her hand gently caressing against your cheek, her lips hovering above yours just as sweet.

'I'm sorry I couldn't make your dreams come true'

Her voice cracks and something inside of you does too.

"But don't you see, Tori, you….you are my dream come true." You sniffle in a cry, leaning into her touch. Her lips hover above yours for a few seconds longer, stealing a gentle kiss from your upper lip before, suddenly, as fast as she came, she is gone again.

She is gone and you are left in the silence of a creaky old swing and the confused gaze of Andre. Sighing, you kick your converse into the fallen leaves and dirt, the tears welling up within your eyes. You are seconds away from crying, you can feel it.

"I hear her sometimes. Tori. It's like she's here, as if she never left. And she talks to me. About stupid things, about… how I look or what I'm doing wrong or… she just talks about everything. She talks to me…" You trail off because you never intended on telling Andre in the first place and frankly you are not sure how you can explain it in a way that does not make you sound so pathetic and crazy.

Hell, maybe you are pathetic and crazy.

All you know is there is no going back now.

"It has been four months since the accident and she is still here, she is still talking to me like she's still my girlfriend. It's like nothing has changed. But everything has changed. She… she went and sh-she died and now I'm left here all alone," He places his hand upon your knee in a soft squeeze but you're too far absorbed in your own emotions to really focus on that.

"She's haunting me and it is so hard. It is so hard because I can't tell if she is really here or if I'm really just losing my mind. Hell, maybe it's a bit of both. All I know is that when I hear her voice, all I want to do is hold her and kiss her and I can't do that. I can't do that because she's not here. She's… she is gone," You whisper coldly, a silent tear sliding down your cheek and suddenly, the painful realization weighs in on your chest.

"She has been gone and she's…never coming back," You whisper. And you're not sure who you are talking to. Perhaps you are telling Andre, or maybe you're letting Tori know, or maybe you're simply trying to convince yourself of that. But as those words are whispered to no-one in particular, you can feel your entire world just simply change.

Tori does not speak to you anymore after that day.

Every now and then you will do something ridiculous, just to double check. You will wear clothes that are too tight around your breasts, take another long draw off your cigarette, skip class, or flirt a little more than you should with Beck.

And sometimes there is an echo; a vibration in the air that you think just might… maybe.

But it's not.

It never is.

And you are learning to be okay with that.