A/N: So, this isn't mine. I didn't write the original, I just did what was done to the first one and changed the universe, as well as adding my own bits and pieces along the way. No one knows where the first one was posted, but it was then brought to a RENT FF board, and then followed on to the Maximum Ride fandom. Same with Heroes. And now, O Shugo Chara! fans, I bring it to you.
I don't know who wrote it, but it sure as hell wasn't me. Kudos and credit to them though, because I could never be that funny.
Ten Commandments for Fanfiction Writers
In the beginning, there was canon. And God saw that the canon was lame, and God said, "This canon is lame."
The Lord took a handful of clay from all corners of the Earth and created a figure and imbued it with imagination and skill and knowledge of html code. And the Lord called this figure "Fanfiction Author" and blew the breath of life into it that it might live and be able to squee.
And the Lord saw that the creation was good and the Lord said, "This author is good."
The Lord took the author up onto the mountain and spoke unto him, saying "You are a Fiction Author, and you are My creation. These are My commandments. Follow them or flames shall reign down upon you and fill your many email accounts."
And the author was much afraid, and said unto the Lord "Okay…"
And these were the commandments the Lord lay down for the author, ten in number. And the number of the commandments was ten, and they numbered ten. There were Ten Commandments.
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Thou Shalt Write
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The Lord spoke unto the author and said "Lo, the canon is bad, for the writers have become corrupted and revel in wickedness. They stretch UST on for years, they hurt and horribly abuse the characters, and lo, this does not please Me. Utau should giveth up on Ikuto and buy a vibrator, and Nagihiko and Rima will never have onscreen sex. And lo, this does not please Me. You were created to fix it, and fix it you shall. Canon shall not limit you, and you shall not be limited by canon."
And the fic author rejoiced, for he thought canon was sucky, even though he was a Amu/Ikuto shipper.
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Thou Shalt Join Together
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"Look," said the Lord, "for I have created for you The Con. It is a tool of great power and you shall use it for good. You shall meet up with fellow authors, dress up in tight costumes, spread goodness and eat pie. For pie is good. Much love to all the pie."
And the author said "But Lord, forgive me, I am poor and haveth no monies, just lint. I cannot afford a Con. Though you are right, pie is good. I like raspberry."
And the Lord said "Cherry is better." And the Lord thought for a time and declared "Then thou shalt join forums with strange names and use Live Journals and start dialogues about three second shots that last for many days and many nights. For there is strength in numbers, and the oldest among you shall govern wisely when you all fight like those people who fought against Easter near the end of the manga."
And the author rejoiced, and there was pie.
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Thou Shalt Be Wary of OC's
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"There is a great evil lurking and plaguing the land," saideth the Lord, "known as an Original Character. Thou shalt not write them if thou art a half-decent author. For Original Characters can be too perfect and too clean and too sweet, and this displeases Me, for this is not the nature of a true character. True characters are Damaged and Flawed!"
And the author said "O Lord, how will I know if I am able to write an OC?"
And the Lord said unto the author "You shall know for if you are not ready, I will send unto you many replies with bad grammar and lines of '11!11!' and then I shall smite you and there shall be no more pie."
And the author was much afraid, and the Original Characters became a right earned by few alone, as was decreed.
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Thou Shalt Kill Mary Sues
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The Lord proclaimed, "Thou shalt not suffer a Mary Sue thriving among you, for they are an abomination." And the author was forbidden by the Lord to create characters with too many abilities that can control all others, oddly colored hair of abnormal length, and names that consist of meteorological terms or ancient pagan spirits. And the Lord decreed it so, for it was an abomination, and it was so ordered.
And the author asked "O Lord, is this not very much like your last commandment?"
And the Lord said "Coveting thy neighbour's wife and adultery are similar as well, and I haveth the shiny lightening bolts. Does thou wisheth to become dirt at the four corners of the Earth again? For I can make it happen, bucko."
And the author shut up, for God had the power to turn him into dirt, and he was afraid.
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Thou Shalt Write Crossovers
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The Lord spoke unto the author saying "There will come a day when you shall wonder what Kukai would look like making out with Haruhi Suzumiya while Nagihiko rides a Harley with Zero Kiryuu, and you shall indulge in that curiosity, for it is good in the eyes of the Lord."
And the author was much incensed with the Lord and said "I'll never wonder that!"
And the Lord smote-ed him, and replaced him with another author, who looked down unto the smoking remnants of her predecessor and was much more agreeable when presented with the idea. "I shall wonder that, O great and powerful Lord. I shall wonder it very much."
And the Lord was happy, because He had always wanted to watch Ami obliterate her mother, for he had not been hugged enough in His youth.
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Thou Shalt Not Become Fan Girls
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The new author spoke unto the Lord and asked "And what if I am to become overcome with joy and geekiness and turn to darkness?"
And the Lord said "Then thou art a fan girl, and a tool of evil."
And the author pouted.
"However," the Lord said "I shall give unto you the ability to squee, so that your fan girlishness shall be seen and forgiven by all as endearing. For you shalt turn insane over new Fics and Season Finales, and this is forgivable for I still can not believe that Kairi was evil and now he isn't and loves Amu, like omg."
And the author rejoiced, and squeeing became prominent throughout the land as the Army of Fangirls split into vicious camps of Tadase!Girls and Ikuto!Girls and the pacifist camp of Slash Fans who smirked seductively in their opponent's direction.
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Thou Shalt Try New Pairings
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The Lord said unto the author "Canon is bad and so are the pairings it presents. For this reason, you shall have OTPs, and OT3s, and they shall become your most treasured of possessions, and you shall create icons and stories that revel in their greatness."
And the author said "But what if I like the major pairings on the show, O Great and Fierce God Who Smote the Guy Before Me?"
"You will not like them for long, for the show writers shall maketh them repetitive and irritating after season three, and lo, you shall look unto an OTP for salvation." And the Lord was happy for He had come up with a way to validate His shipping of Tadase/Rima, and the author was happy for she had not been turned into dirt.
And there was much rejoicing.
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Thou Shalt Not Write Self-Insertion Fics
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And the author presented a work to the Lord featuring herself hunting X eggs with Tadase and Ikuto, and the Lord was much incensed with the work.
"This is an evil," He said unto the author. "And it is an abomination unto Mine eyes."
"But I get to hunt corrupted forms of people's dreams with two extremely sexy guys," the author replied. "And there are My Little Ponies. Does this not please you, my Lord?"
And God was pissed and said "No, bi-atch, it doesn't. Although they are quite sexy." And he explained unto the author that self-insertion stories were a great plight upon the world, and that Self-Insertion Fics, not texting, was the major cause of arthritis in elderly people.
And the author was saddened, and texted her friend with the latest news from the Lord.
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Thou Shalt Write Smut
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The Lord spoke unto the author and said unto her "There is much fun that can be had with boy parts and girl parts or boy parts and boy parts or girl parts and girl parts when used together. Your OTPs will never be shown having sex. Tadase and Ikuto will never be shown beating each other with sausages, and Yukari will never get what she deserves. And this displeases me."
And the author said "May I write this to please you, O Lord Who is So Very Big and Scary?"
And the Lord thought about it for a moment and said "Yes. Thou shall write smut. For sex pleases Me."
"Sex pleases us all," the author agreed, and it was decreed that sex was pleasing, and lo, it was so.
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Thou Shalt Send Feedback
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And the Lord commanded to the author on top of the mountain that she would write to those who had done good to express her appreciation. And the author asked the Lord "What if I have no time?"
And the Lord said "Then Ikuto with cometh after you and whoop yo ass."
And the author was much bummed out about this, even though getting her ass whooped by Ikuto sounded like much fun, but she agreed. And feedback became prominent, and the land flourished under the rules the Lord had given.
And it was good.