The Second Farewell
Chapter 1: Co-dependency
My eyes are closed, and yet I still feel her warmth beside me. Am I awake or asleep? I cannot tell. Must be somewhere between, swimming in the sea of semi-consciousness. I feel her head come to rest on my shoulder, and I let out a quiet moan of pleasure. I inhale deeply, taking in the sweetness of her scent.
This is how it should be. She should be at my side. Just like this. My lips curl upwards. I am completely content with this. If this moment ever ended, it would be far too soon.
I turn to my side to pull her closer, but my hands are met not with the warmth of her body, but with bitter coldness.
Gasping in fear, my eyes snap open, and I bolt upright. I look to my side, to where Kana should be, but she is not there. The coldness of the sheet reminds me that she never was. I take a few panicked breaths, giving myself a moment to calm down and return to reality.
Gazing around, I suddenly remember where I am: Kana's room. I must have dozed off on her bed. The impending darkness from the setting sun through the open window tells me I had been sleeping for at least a few hours.
I stand and stretch my arms over my head, letting my blood flow back into my extremities. I gaze about the room wordlessly, noting how immaculately clean Kana had left the remaining trappings in the room earlier in the day: the desk where she studied and did her homework, the bookshelf next to it, once packed to bursting with books of all shapes and sizes, of all manner of content, now with only a few lonely looking textbooks lying flat on the shelves, and the simple full size bed hugging the opposing wall, its sheets still fresh with Kana's scent.
That's why I laid there in the first place. I was already beginning to miss her, even though she was gone merely a few hours. The sheets on her bed had yet to be washed, and I reveled in the perfume her lily-white skin left behind.
A stiff breeze brought a rush of cool air into the room, and I shivered involuntarily. As I closed the window and pulled the drapes closed, I thought about many things. How long would it be before I would see her face again? Would we ever be able to have an open, honest relationship? If not, would the hole she left in my heart ever heal? Her farewell left me in doubt about all of these things.
I feared for her safety. She's never been on her own before. I recalled when just last year she was completely incapable of even ordering a meal at a fast food restaurant! And she thinks she is capable of complete independence after just a few short months?
At first, I believed the idea to be incredulous. Even now, I wonder if agreeing with it was the right choice. However, as my fingers touch the scar on my left side, I recall that the choice was hers to make. It was not my own.
The sound of my mother's voice from the stairwell breaks my reverie. "Taka, are you up there?"
"Yeah," I shout back.
"Kana's on the phone right now! She's at her place and she wants to talk to you!"
I was off like a shot at the sound of her name, my body moving of its own accord. I was at the phone within the span of two breaths. I offhandedly apologized to mother as I nearly bowled her over on my way. "Kana?" I yelled breathlessly into the receiver after snatching it away from my mother's hand.
"Eep!" Kana's unmistakable voice exclaimed into my ear.
"Kana?" I asked, trying to catch my breath.
"Geez, Bro. What's with that greeting? You startled me!"
"Oh, sorry," I said softly, slightly embarrassed. "I was just excited to talk to you."
Kana giggled. "You're hopeless."
Covering the receiver with my hand for a moment, I thanked mother for telling me Kana called.
"So, you made it okay?"
"Mmhmm."
"Where are you calling from?"
"It's a payphone just down the street from the bookstore. Don't worry, there are still lots of people out, so it's not scary."
"Did you thank the movers for helping you?"
"Mmhmm."
I'm always like this, asking her the most asinine questions as if she were totally incapable of performing everyday activities without my guiding hand. But I can't help it. It's become such a force of habit that I couldn't stop myself if I tried. The fact that she is so far away now doesn't help.
"And everything is set up the way you want it?"
"Yup!"
"And how is the place?"
"Well, it's not as big as the house, of course, but I like it. It's cozy."
"That's good, then," I say, and silence falls over us for a few moments.
"I miss you already," Kana says sweetly.
My heart soared, but the feeling is bittersweet. "I was just thinking the same thing." I can feel her smiling on the other end of the line. "When can I see you?" I ask.
"Hmm, that's a tough one. I'm going to be busy the next few days getting everything organized with the store and the apartment, so I don't think I can have company until at least next week."
"Oh, I see," I said forlornly. Kana and I were so inseparable recently that I could barely recall the last time I had gone a full week without seeing her. It was after she confronted me when I spied on her while she was…I dare not dwell on that night right now. My parents are just in the next room; keeping an eye on me I'm sure. I shouldn't get too excited.
"What about you?" Kana asked me.
"What about me?" I parroted to her.
"Yeah, what are you going to do this week?"
"Oh, well, probably just the same old, same old. Class, study, writing papers, and so on."
"You shouldn't work so hard, Bro. It's not healthy for you."
"Hey, that's my line," I said, and we both shared a laugh.
"Well, I should probably get going before it gets too dark out here. And my feet are pretty sore from going up and down the stairs so many times."
"Okay. You be sure to get enough sleep tonight. It sounds like you've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."
"I will. Give mom and dad my love for me."
"Sure."
Silence again…
"I love you," Kana said quietly.
"I love you, too," I whispered into the mouthpiece.
I felt infinitely better when I hung up the phone than I was before the call. It was only one week. She was not completely out of my reach. If need be, I could have caught a train and been with her within a couple of hours. But I must show respect for her wish to be alone. It was the least I could do.
The week passed by slowly and uneventfully. It was painful to not be able to speak to Kana whenever I wished. I couldn't even speak to her on the phone when I wanted to. I was in class most times during the day, and I wouldn't reach home until past sundown, and I could not stand the thought of her alone, out in the dark, calling me at home.
My feelings of sadness were tempered with my parents telling me stories about Kana's daily calls, while I was in class, of course, over dinner. Making her first sale, grocery shopping by herself for the first time, having more books to read than she could ever complete in her lifetime.
I ate in silence as my parents fawned over their daughter's accomplishments. It's not that I wasn't happy for her. I just wasn't there to share the moment. There was something else bothering me too, but I had no idea what it was at the time. In fact, this thing would not rear its head until much later.
At last, the day arrived. Both mom and dad had to work, so they could not join me in visiting Kana. I was secretly glad. After all, it had been a while since we had a chance to be alone together. I had to fight hard to suppress my excitement during the abbreviated train ride.
Leaving the train station, I walked directly to the shopping district where the bookstore was. I had been here a few times, stopping by after school to check everything out after Kana told us about her intention to move there. I haven't told Kana about it. I don't know why; I just can't help myself.
I saw a familiar window through the widening shadows as the sun made its daily retreat towards the horizon, and a smile came to my face as my feet carried me hastily towards the bookstore. Gazing through the window, I saw someone shuffling towards the rear of the store hefting a mountain of books stacked higher than her head. The sign hung on the door read, "Closed", so there was only one person whom it could be.
She wore a light blue sundress and a short denim jacket. More importantly, I would have recognized that head of long, dark hair anywhere. I smiled as Kana stooped down slightly and allowed a few of the books at the top of pile she carried to slip onto an adjacent shelf.
I was in wonder at how much Kana's physical strength had increased in the last year. It reminded me of the time three bullies tried to force her to carry an enormous stack of handouts in junior high. She could hardly lift that mountain of paper; try as she might. But here, she was lifting twice that amount and remained as agile as a dancer.
Kana vanished from sight, and I waited patiently until I saw her head back towards the front, wiping the sweat from her brow with her forearm. I rapped on the window a few times with my fist.
Kana started at the sudden noise, but when she saw my smiling face, she beamed. She ran to the door to let me in and she had me wrapped in a fierce hug as soon as the door opened enough for her small frame.
"Oof," I exclaimed, again astonished by her newfound strength. My eyes closed as I wrapped my arms around her. How I had missed this. I wanted to cherish this moment.
Kana let go of me somewhat abruptly, and pulled me by the hand into the store, shutting the door and locking it behind her. She rose on her tiptoes to kiss me on the lips. "Hi," she whispered after out lips parted ways.
"Hi," I said in reply. I leaned forward for another kiss, but Kana turned away, skipping behind the sales counter.
"What do you think?" Kana asked, gesturing with her arms around the store.
I gave a cursory glance about the store, recalling that Kana believed I never set foot in the establishment before, and nodded my head. Few things changed since I was there last, but those things that did change had Kana's personal touch written all over them: potted plants adorned every window and unused elevated flat surface, the manga and romance novel sections were expanded to include many of her personal favorites that I could recognize, and there were a few overhead sales banners with her handwriting. "I think it's great," I told her. "I love the personal touch you've brought in here."
"It's not too girly, is it?" She asked.
I shook my head. "No, not at all. I think it's wonderful."
Kana clapped her hands excitedly. "I'm glad."
I noticed a staircase in the rear of the store, and I pointed towards it. "Are you going to show me your apartment?"
Kana reached underneath the counter and pulled out her purse and slung it over her shoulder. "Before we do that, do you mind if we went out and got something to eat? I'm completely famished after work today."
Kana was always an unusually bright girl. She could see the wheels spinning in my head; if we went upstairs right then, something was bound to happen, and we would not get a chance to eat for at least a few hours. "That sounds like a great idea," I said with a nod.
"I know just the place," she told me as she unlocked the door and pulled it open.
"You do?" I asked, emphasizing "you". Kana nodded with her intoxicating smile. Her smile was returned with one of my own.
"Lead on, then," I said as we made our way down the street.
My expression was completely blank. "I want the combo number two," I heard Kana cheerfully place her order, and I was completely dumbfounded. The last place I expected her to take me was a fast-food joint, but it was where we both stood nonetheless.
Kana stared at me with a quizzical look. "I'll have the same," I said, completely emotionless.
"That will be 1620 yen, please," the cashier told us with a wooden smile.
I reached for my wallet, but Kana stopped me. "I'll get this," she told me, reaching into her purse for her wallet.
"But," I protested.
"No buts! You're a starving student, and I'm in the workforce. You need your money more than I do," Kana explained as she handed the cashier a few bills and received some coins in return.
I felt tremendously guilty, but it seemed Kana wasn't going to listen to any protestations from me. At the very least, I could carry the tray of food to the table. "Is right here okay?" she asked, pointing at a table next to a western-facing window. I nodded in reply.
As we dug into our burgers and fries, I could tell Kana was content. She stared through the window, the golden rays of the falling sun setting her pearly-white skin aglow. "This is one of your favorite places isn't it?" I asked her.
Kana nodded wordlessly. I understood completely. Given her history, it was much easier for her to find joy in life's simple pleasures than most. I wondered if anyone else would have been able to appreciate this aspect of her personality. I found it highly doubtful. But that's what made her so captivating to me. She was completely unspoiled. But was it at all possible for her to remain that way? That was suspect at best. Did that mean, as she spread her wings in this world, I would find her less and less captivating?
"What's on your mind?" Kana asked suddenly.
"Huh?"
"You were giving me the thousand-yard stare there for a moment. I can tell you're thinking about something," Kana said, tilting her head slightly to one side.
I shook my head. "It was nothing important." Kana peered at me disbelievingly, and I smiled at her to set her mind at ease. She was sharp as a damned razor, for better or worse.
After a few more minutes of silence between us, Kana asked me, "Do you remember the first time you took me to a place like this?"
"I…think so," I replied, trying to remember. "It was a few years back if I remember correctly."
Kana nodded, and a silly smile played across her face. "Remember when I didn't even have the courage to order my own food?"
"Oh, yeah," I remember now. She hid behind me like she usually did, as if the person behind the counter was going to bite her head off if she said anything untoward.
"I was such a coward back then. It was so frustrating," Kana saed, gazing down at the table in front of us.
"No one can blame you. You had it pretty rough back then."
"I never want to be that person again," Kana said flatly.
Her words stung my heart, but I had no idea why. I should have been happy with her growth as a person. In fact, I was happy for her, but it hurt even still. But why?
Kana blushed, looking suddenly self-conscious. "Sorry, I didn't mean to burden you with my thoughts."
"Don't be sorry," I told her. "You shouldn't have to apologize for telling the truth."
"You think so?" Kana asked. "Even if it could potentially hurt the other person?"
"You can't really control how other people react," I explained with a shrug.
Kana looked thoughtful for a few moments. "I suppose that's true," she muttered, almost offhandedly.
We finished our meals in relative silence. She actually ate more than half of her meal, an astonishing feat for her. I supposed that being on her feet and moving books around much of the day was helping increase her metabolism. Not having draconian diet restrictions any longer surely helped as well.
We walked back to the bookstore side-by-side, the street lamps flickering to life just as the sun vanished over the horizon. Kana was nearly able to keep pace with me. It were as if she was a completely normal, healthy 19-year-old woman. Well, perhaps a healthy-looking 15-year-old. Her stunted growth throughout her childhood left her standing merely as high as my chest. But I never heard her complain, and I doubt I would anytime soon.
There was a palpable amount of tension in the air as Kana unlocked the door, holding it open for me to pass. She pulled it closed behind her, the deadbolt locking in place with an audible "click". I gazed at her through the darkness of the store as she walked slowly towards me. She took my hand and pulled me into the depths of the store. She must have been used to walking through the store in the dark. Did she fear anything anymore?
Kana reached out, flipping a switch that illuminated the stairway leading up to her apartment. She glanced back at me momentarily, and I saw that her cheeks were flushed a delicate shade of pink. She must have been slightly embarrassed to be leading a male willingly into her personal space.
She released my hand, and I followed her up the stairs two steps behind. Reaching the top, Kana fiddled around with her keychain for another key, and unlocked the door to her apartment. I closed the door behind us when we entered.
"Make yourself at home," Kana said, removing the short-heeled shoes from her feet and tucking them into the corner of the entryway. "I'll get some tea started." She padded away towards the kitchen, visible from the entryway.
I kicked my shoes off and placed them next to Kana's and stepped into the apartment, looking around. The place was slightly smaller than I expected, and I wasn't exactly expecting an enormous suite. Her bedroom doubled as her living area, with a TV tucked into the far corner of the room adjacent to the sole window overlooking the street. A modestly sized potted plant lay on the windowsill. Opposite that was a futon rolled up and neatly placed in the other corner. Next to that was a bookshelf, much smaller than the one at home, completely filled with books, magazines, and manga. Upon the walls were posters of Kana's favorite pop idols and anime, but were otherwise barren. A small wooden folding table sat in the middle of the room with a pillow lying next to each side of it. Upon the table was a framed picture I recognized instantly. The same photo sat next to my bed at home: Kana and I in our high-school uniforms smiling playfully for the camera.
A cursory glance in the bathroom revealed the basic trappings: a toilet, sink, and a bath with a showerhead attachment. The kitchen, interestingly enough, had a separating wall between it and the living area. I assume it was an improvement to the existing space. That would explain why the living area seemed so much smaller. But the extra cabinet space was certainly helpful.
I nodded approvingly. "I like what you've done with the place," I called out towards the kitchen. I heard Kana filling a teakettle with water, and the sound cut off.
"It's not much, but it's home," Kana said as she returned from the kitchen with two tall glasses of water. I could admire that. She earned all of this on her own merit. She sat on a pillow at the table and I sat next to her as she began digging through her purse, removing three small prescription bottles and placed them on the table one at a time.
Sirolimus. Mycophenolate. Prednisone. A cocktail of immunosuppressant drugs Kana will be taking for the remainder of her life to keep her body from rejecting the kidney I donated to her. I had the names of these drugs memorized ever since Kana started to take them. Due to these drugs, Kana had to be extra careful to avoid exposure to people who were sick. Even a slight infection could quickly turn to a major problem. Luckily, she was being weaned off of the prednisone, but the other two drugs would remain a part of her regimen.
I sat quietly as Kana downed the medication, taking a few sips from my own glass of water. She drained the glass of water with her third and last pill. "That beats being on dialysis, doesn't it?" I asked. Kana simply nodded. I had lost track how many times I asked her that exact question in the past, but I didn't care. If I ever saw her hooked up to that machine again, watching her energetic spirit sucked out through those tubes, I don't know what I would do.
Kana retrieved a remote control for her television from underneath her pillow and turned it on. After flipping through the channels, she settled for a popular game show involving people doing wacky stunts and ridiculous games that we used to watch together all the time at home. Used to…it seemed strange to think that we used to do something that we were currently doing. Was I already feeling nostalgic after only a week?
A high-pitched whistle resounded through the apartment, and Kana leapt to her feet to attend the teakettle. I watched the television for a few minutes, getting a good laugh from a particularly nasty fall a contestant took into a bed of flour after tripping on a treadmill while wearing swimming flippers on his feet.
"Geez," Kana yelled from the kitchen. "I always miss the funny parts!"
"Yeah, you missed a good one!" I yelled back.
Kana hurried back into the room carrying my parents' leftover tea set. They must have given it to her as a housewarming gift. Kana poured the tea for us gracefully, despite her barely paying any attention to what she was doing. Her eyes were locked on the TV. She settled into her seat and we both blew air into our cups to cool the steaming-hot tea.
I couldn't help staring at Kana as she giggled and laughed at the TV. She was bright and full of life, just as she wished to be. "Ha, did you see that?" she squealed in delight, her violet eyes shone brightly in the television's reflection.
"I must have missed it," I replied.
Kana glanced over at me, doing a double take. "What's wrong?" she asked.
I leaned closer to Kana. "Are you happy?" I blurt out.
"Am I…happy?" Kana repeated my question, her eyes wavering wildly between my eyes and lips as I slowly approach her. I nodded at her, gradually closing the distance between us. We were still a few feet apart.
My snakelike movement entranced Kana as I slowly approached her. Our eyes locked together. "I…I am…" she fumbled with her words.
"I've missed you," I admitted openly. I was close enough to smell the shampoo in Kana's hair. I inhaled deeply. It was sweet, like fresh strawberries.
Kana's expression cracked in and out of a weak smile. "Really?"
I placed my right hand on Kana's cheek. Her eyes closed under the warmth of my touch. "Desperately."
"Bro," Kana whimpered. I could feel each of her shallow breaths against my lips. We were merely inches from each other.
Suddenly, and with surprising force, Kana threw herself at me, knocking me on my back. She kissed me with unbridled passion, caressing my face with her hands. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her body into contact with mine. She was feverishly hot.
I rolled Kana over onto her back, and buried my face into her neck, kissing, sucking, and licking it as if it were my lifeblood. Kana dug her hands into my scalp, tugging lovingly at my hair. She began to moan explicitly, thrusting upwards towards me with her hips.
My hands tugged at Kana's dress until it was high enough to reach her belly underneath the fabric as I continued my assault on the opposite side of her neck. She wriggled underneath me, her hands rubbing me from the top of my head to the middle of my back. She whispered my name. My hands reached her breasts, her nipples standing at attention even through her bra. Kana let out a yelp as I pinched her peaks.
I traveled downward with my lips, kissing her shoulders, her chest, and her abdomen. As my hand reached the band of Kana's panties, she gasped audibly and grabbed at my arm. "S-stop!" she exclaimed, sounding unsure of what she was saying. I looked at her quizzically. Her face was completely flushed and she was out of breath, gasping for air. "What are we doing?" she asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" I asked rhetorically.
"We shouldn't do this," Kana said, releasing my arm and covering herself with her dress.
"Why not?" I asked, pulling away from Kana. She squiggled to a seated position, hugging herself as if she were extremely cold. She looked entirely embarrassed. "Don't you love me?" I pressed her.
She looked up at me with stricken eyes. "I love you very much!" I could see tears forming in her eyes. "But…I can't stand things going on like they used to. I can't bear it anymore!"
"I don't understand," I said, completely at a loss.
Kana sniffled a few times, regaining her composure. She pulled her legs in, hugging them against her chest. "Haven't you noticed? We don't have what one would call a 'healthy relationship'."
"I don't care what other people think about us, Kana," I answered immediately. If we had been over this one time, we'd been over it a thousand times. Kana was my adoptive sister. We were not blood related in the least. But we thought some people would still look down on us if they knew how serious we were in our relationship.
"That's not what I mean," Kana said with a vigorous shake of her head.
That got my attention. If not that, then what could it possibly be? "What is it, then?" I asked, fully aware of the fear in my tone. It was impossible to hide it.
"What would you have done if I had died during the transplant?" Kana calmly asked.
"I don't even want to think about that," I responded.
"Please. Just tell me. What would you have done? Honestly."
I didn't even need to think about it. "I would have died along with you."
Kana sighed. "That's exactly what I mean. That's not what I would have wanted for you. I would have wanted you to live the life I wasn't able to, to see the world, and experience everything that you could with the time given to you. I would have definitely not wanted you to die with me."
"Kana…"
"I've thought a lot about what I would do if our situations were reversed, if you were ill and I were healthy. At first, I felt about it just as you said: I would have wanted to die without you. But I know that you wouldn't want that for me. You would want me to live, right?"
I nodded my head silently. I had a good idea where she was going with this.
"I know you've spent most of your time protecting me, and I appreciate that more than you can possibly imagine. However, you don't need to protect me anymore. I don't need you to protect me anymore. We're both free to live however we choose to, on whatever path we choose to take." Kana's voice was still and confident, like she had been rehearsing these exact words.
I began to understand. Outside of being Kana's brother, Kana's protector, Kana's shield from the world, just who the hell was I? What had I been pursuing? Did I even have any goals in my life outside of being with her?
"That's why I chose to leave home. I don't want to be in an unhealthy, co-dependant relationship with you. The fact you are my brother has nothing to do with it."
My eyes were beginning to burn. My vision was blurring before me. "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?" I asked.
"I tried. Honestly, I did. But as much as I love you and wanted you to know the truth, I didn't want to make you feel like I was abandoning you. I couldn't hurt you like that. So, I'm sorry if I did hurt you."
I didn't know what to think, or what to feel just then. Was I hurt by Kana's revelation? I couldn't tell. A million thoughts were buzzing through my mind, all of them screaming for attention in unison, increasing in volume and pitch.
My head felt like it was going to explode, when all of the voices within me were suddenly silenced. Kana touched my face, pulling my head up from the floor. I looked at her, and I could feel molten tears rolling down my cheeks. She was smiling at me. "I want you to be happy, Taka-kun."
"I don't know how, without you," I replied, and then I lost all control. Kana gently pulled my head down, so my head lay in her lap. She stroked my forehead, as I wept bitterly into her dress. I could feel her body shaking too, as she cried with me.
This was the last night of our relationship. Tomorrow, everything would be different. But for that night, we were one and the same, leaning on the other to keep from falling down to the bitter earth.
My sister.
My Kana.
The one I vowed to protect, who was actually protecting me.
My beacon in the dark.
The only thing keeping the crashing waves from pulling me into the darkness.
She would be gone, and I would have to find my way to the shore without her.