Albus Dumbledore and the Lovestruck Plumbing

Chapter One

It seemed to be a normal Hogwart's Sunday morning at first. Albus Dumbledore was humming contentedly in his office, as he lounged in a flowery chintz armchair by the fire, and looked forward to a peaceful romantic day with Minerva. The spring sunshine danced on the waters of the lake, and made the leafs on the trees shine like gems, for once all seemed right with the world - little did Albus know that soon his peace would be shattered.

Down in his dungeons Severus Snape had just finished taking a shower, now he was sitting on the closed lid of his toilet, while he put his socks on.

Suddenly a sultry female voice crooned, "Mmmmmm you can sit on me anytime you like, Lover ..."

Severus' eyes grew even darker than normal, as they swept the room, "Come out at once, whoever you are !" He commanded, as he drew himself up to his full height.

"Ooooooo I do love a commanding man ..." The same feminine voice cooed, in tones that seemed to quiver with passion.

Severus' glare fell on the toilet, which was raising and lowering it's lid at him invitingly. It sounded as though the voice was coming from his toilet, and his piercing gaze had already told him that no one was in the room. Severus stared at it dazed for a few seconds, then somewhat uncertainly said, "Is someone in my toilet ?"

"Only me, my angel ..." The toilet replied adoringly.

There was a stunned silence as Severus stared at it in amazement, there couldn't possibly be anyone hidden in there, which meant ... Severus shook his head in disbelief, "This is ridiculous !" He growled. There was only one thing to do, go and see Dumbledore, let him deal with it, he worked hard all week and wasn't going to waste his day off dealing with talking over sexed toilets, Dumbledore could sort this out.

Severus paused to glare at his toilet in disgust, then swept from his bathroom, his back rigid with icy fury. As he closed the door behind him, Severus clearly heard his toilet invite him to, "Pull my chain baby, you know you want too ..." Severus shuddered, when he found out who was responsible for this, they were going to be sorry, very very sorry indeed.

Minerva McGonagall was also in her quarters, where she was enjoying the luxury of a warm bath, filled to the brim with her favourite lavender scented bubble bath. Suddenly she felt something cold and metallic carress her lower leg tenderly, "Darling, you have the sexiest legs ..." A gravelly male voice intoned passionately.

Instantly Minerva shot into an upright position, at the same time her hand swooped into the foamy water, and closed around the bath tap which was stroking her leg softly.

"Darling, your grasp is like fire, full of passion ..." the masculine voice growled lustily.

To her eternal outrage, Minerva could feel the tap trembling slightly in her grasp, as though quivering with desire. "I refuse to be propositioned by my own bath tub." Minerva snarled furiously, her emerald eyes flashing dangerously, "One more word out of you and I'll turn you into scrap metal, and stop stroking my leg this instant."

The only answer was the merest of whimpers, as the tap froze in her grasp. Minerva pushed it from her angrily, then lept from her bath and without even bothering to dry herself, flung on her robes. Minerva was certain that she knew who was responsible for this, there was only one person who would dare to do this to her, and he was going to regret it. Slamming her door loudly, Minerva stormed through the passages of Hogwarts, trailing a cloud of lavender bubbles behind her.

As Minerva entered his office without even bothering to knock, Albus jumped slightly, then peered vaguely at her over his half moon spectacles. Just as he was about to wish her good morning, Minerva bellowed, "I suppose you think this is funny, Albus Dumbledore ..."

"No, I think it's adorable ..." Albus replied, thinking how enchanting Minerva looked with rainbow bubbles shimmering like stars, against her midnight black hair. He was just about to tell Minerva that she should wear her hair like this more often, when he noticed the fury in her blazing green eyes, and thought better of it.

"I am not amused by your latest attempt at humour, Albus Dumbledore !" Minerva snapped indignantly, "You are well aware of my opinion of your childish pranks ..." She continued.

Albus sighed softly, 'Why was it that Minerva always blamed him for any pranks that were pulled on her ?' Then he reminded himself that she did have some reason for this, after all he had played numerous jokes on her over the years. Albus' eyes twinkled merrily as he recalled, how he had once sent his entire sock collection marching two by two, in a multi coloured higgledy piggledy row to Minerva's chambers, where they had encircled Minerva in a giant heart, and serenaded her with love songs. Albus thought that his choice of songs had been a particular stroke of genius. First the socks had sung Heart and Sole while gently swaying from side to side, then You Rock My Socks Off as they danced a merry jig. Minerva however had utterly failed to see the funny side of it, and once she had recovered from her astonishment, had put her old Quidditch Broomstick to good use. When Albus had arrived in her rooms, expecting Minerva to melt into his arms in delight at his romantic gesture, he found most of his sock collection cowering behind the furniture, some were even sobbing pitifully. Albus had spent the rest of the day coaxing his socks out of hiding, and casting multiple Reparo charms on them.

Albus was vaguely aware that Minerva's lecture was still in full flow, as he remembered the time he'd decided to surprise Minerva, by putting a hot chocolate fountain in her rooms, so she could have cocoa whenever she wanted. Knowing her love of Ginger Newts, Albus had decided to make it into a Ginger Newt and hot chocolate fountain. He'd utterly failed to foresee that the Ginger Newts would get stuck in the jets, and that the entire thing would explode, showering Minerva's normally pristine chambers with tepid cocoa and soggy biscuits.

"ALBUS ! Are you listening to me ?" Minerva thundered suddenly, "Stop daydreaming while I'm lecturing you !"

"What ?" Albus asked absentmindedly, as he replaced his glasses which had fallen off his nose when Minerva yelled at him, and made him jump for the second time that morning. "Oh ...Ah ...Yes absolutely ..."

Minerva glared at Albus in exasperration, honestly what was the point in wasting perfectly good lectures on people who didn't listen. "Then whatever possesed you to enchant my bathtub to make ..." Minerva paused and blushed slightly, "Erm overtures to me ?"

"You had a bath without me ?" Albus asked sadly, he loved the baths that he shared with Minerva.

"Really Albus, I can't always share my baths with you ...besides you will insist on using lemon drop scented bubbles when we bathe together, and personally I object to smelling like candy for the rest of the day." Minerva snapped, her mind still on her badly behaved bathtub.

"We could use hot chocolate scented bubble bath instead," Albus suggested hopefully, perhaps he could tempt Minerva to share a bath with him now. "Or what about Ginger Newt scented ?" He added, even more hopefully, it seemed a delightful idea to him.

Once again Minerva shot an irate glare at Albus, "Albus will you stop waffling, and focus on the matter at hand." She commanded, "After all me being accosted by my bathtub is a most serious matter."

"What ?" Said Albus, wondering if he'd heard correctly.

"I KNEW you weren't listening !" Minerva said triumphantly, "You always daydream during my lectures ..."

"Only about you, and how beautifull you are my Dear." Albus interupted softly, his light blue eyes sparkling adoringly.

Minerva couldn't help but smile lovingly at this, she never could stay angry with Albus for long. Impulsively Minerva leaned forward, and kissed Albus gently on the cheek, felt his arms around her, drawing her onto his lap. "I know you probably meant it as a romantic gesture ..." She started to say. Albus' lips on hers silenced her tenderly, as their kiss ended, Albus said quietly, "My Dear I assure you I don't know what you're talking about, whatever happened was not my doing."

"Oh ..." Said Minerva slightly nonplussed, she'd been so convinced that it was another one of Albus' pranks. "I just thought ..." she said awkwardly.

"It's quite all right my Darling," Albus answered gently, "I know I have played many jokes on you in the past, you certainly had ample cause to suspect me. Now why don't you tell me all about it ...Once I've kissed you again."

Albus tried desperately to keep his eyes from sparkling in amusement, as Minerva told him in indignant tones all about what had happened. Once she had finished, Albus assured her again that it was not his doing, and promised to investigate. After a warm farewell kiss, Minerva left to dry herself and put her hair into it's normal prim and proper bun, leaving Albus to commence his investigations. As the door closed behind Minerva, Albus tried to focus his mind entirely on the problem with Minerva's bathtub, and supress his regret that he hadn't been one of those bath taps, that had so daringly carressed Minerva's leg.

Just as Albus was about to leave his office, there was an indignant knock at his door. In response to Albus' invitation to, "Please Come in," The door swung open to reveal the pale features of the Potions Master. Albus immediately noticed the familliar signs of Severus being in a bad mood, he had a distinctly harrassed look on his face, and his eyes were dark and glowering. Severus refused all Albus' offers of 'nice soothing lemon drops' or 'calming mugs of hot chocolate'. Instead he insisted on pacing back and forth in an agitated manner, as he launched into an outraged tirade about flirtatious talking toilets, and why couldn't poor overworked Potions Masters even have a Sunday shower in peace.

By the time Albus had endured Severus' lecture, on how discipline at Hogwarts ought to be improved, and what exactly ought to be done to the people responsible, he had a slight headache, which was only soothed by several lemon drops in quick succession. Once the thumping in his head had eased, Albus left his office, still sucking a lemon drop, to investigate the morning's strange occurances.

Author's Notes

Please review, getting reviews makes me dance happily and then trip over the dog. :D This was going to be all one chapter, but I finally decided it was too long for a oneshot, so I've split it in two and am posting both chapters at once. It's probably complete, but I'm not absolutely sure, depends on my inspiration I guess.