AN Yes, there is swearing. You are welcome back aboard the HMS Malahad (implied only), please enjoy your stay.
The glasses were beeping, so it would be rude not to answer them. Wouldn't it? Even if they weren't his? And even if they did look (due to all the extra-added buttons) like they were something made for an Elton John concert? Someone could be desperately in need of a rescue after all.
He really hoped so, it had been a slow few weeks.
Meh, he was going to answer he decides. He'd never liked things beeping. Reminded him too much of his alarm clock waking him up for school. He felt he had been psychologically conditioned from a young age to make things-that-beep, as a category on the whole, stop beeping. It did not matter if it was an alarm clock, a microwave, a telephone, a bomb or one of the machines in the hospital (assuming the sirens didn't start instead), things were always so much better when the beeping stopped.
"There is water in the cellar!" Harry's voice, higher than normal, bust over the line when Eggsy settled the monstrosities on his face.
"Hi Harry."
"Eggsy? Where is Merlin?" His mentor asked, clearly concerned and confused by not being connected to their usual operator.
"Out bothering the candidates with lap-running or some shit." Eggsy replied, continuing with his investigation of 'things Merlin leaves laying around on his desk'. Merlin's desk is so covered in shit that Eggsy suspects it has to be the actual definition that is used in the Oxford English Dictionary for 'organized chaos'. So far, not much of it except the glasses is interesting, but he has found a model of the USS Enterprise made of paperclips and a sketch labeled '7 league boots' that looks like someone decided to mix standard issue Oxfords with Gazelle's blades and RD Junior's 'fuck me but I'm a shortarse' platforms. He wonders vaguely if there is a prototype pair somewhere he can nick. He draws wings on the sketch, because all shoes are automatically better with wings.
"What are you doing in his office?" Harry demands, sounding pretty horrified.
"Well he's out aint he?" Eggsy replies with utter conviction that the logic of his answer is sound. He wouldn't be in here if Merlin was after all. He is not stupid.
"Oh God Eggsy, don't touch anything!"
"What was you sayin' 'bout the cellar?" Eggsy asks, distracting his mentor as he works on cracking the lock on one of the cupboards.
"There is water in it." Harry responds, attention drawn back to what he obviously considers to be a serious problem.
"So why are you calling Merlin and not a plumber?" Eggsy gives the lock an annoyed look. It is a stubborn thing, much like its owner.
"Where do you think we keep the mechanics for the lift?" Harry asks.
"Right." Said Eggsy, paying rather more attention. "Have you turned the water off?"
"There are no taps in the cellar."
"Not the tap, Harry. The water. The stopcock." And he sniggers quietly, because he got to say 'cock' to his boss.
"Umm." Is the less than reassuring reply he receives. Eggsy suddenly understands what it must be like working on a tech support hotline. Not that he had ever considered that as a career path, but he is really glad he doesn't.
"Are you nothing but decorative?" He asks exasperated. "Are any of you posh gits actually good for anything without a bossy scot dripping sarcastic instructions in your ear? Do you know where the stopcock is?"
"No." Harry says, and he could be answering any (or all for all he knows) of Eggsy's questions.
"But you know what it is? Right? Right Harry?" Eggsy is shaking his head.
"A tap?" Harry replies, but it sounds tentative.
"Right. I am sending you some pictures. For fucks sake switch the electro off before you go looking for it. You can do that? And put the washing-up gloves from the breakroom on before you touch anything."
"I am not entirely helpless... Eggsy, please tell me you are not wearing the Master Glasses?"
"The what?" Eggsy has found a spare clipboard and sent some pictures of stopcocks to Harry's glasses.
"Merlin's Master Glasses. The red ones!"
"Yeah, these are red. Hideous. What was he thinking?" Eggsy replies. There is a memo open on the clipboard with a to-do-list. One of the items is 'Monocle for Harry?', Eggsy can't let that happen, so he quickly types 'No, he will look a complete tosser' next to it and highlights it.
"Eggsy, when you leave the office, you must make sure you leave no traces. Merlin will murder you in his sleep if he finds out you've been at his things." Harry says, and he honestly does sound a bit worried.
"Don't you mean in my sleep?" Eggsy asks idly as he finally cracks the cupboard open. He grins. It could be Christmas. He might have found The Holy Grail!
"No. He can control himself when he is awake. When he is asleep, I make no promises." Harry replies.
"Harry... That is a bit weird." Eggsy shakes his head, he was hoping for a collection of new tech. He would've settled for kinky sex toys. He got anally arranged redundant computer cables. And Irn-Bru. Both in unhealthy quantities. Had he actually discovered Merlin's addictions? "Anyways, if you want the water stopping, I need his plumbing stuff, so he is gonna know."
"You are going to stop it?" Disbelief is clear in Harry's voice. Like no one can be competent except Merlin. Eggsy honestly feels a bit insulted. He has all kinds of skillz that don't involve anyone being in the slightest bit dead.
"Did plumbing as me work experience end o' third year didn't I? I aint just a pretty face. Switch the juice off, find the stopcock. I'll be along when I've got the ... Bingo!"
"Bingo?" Asked Harry, in a tone of voice clearly asking how that would help in the situation.
"I've got the toolbox. On my way Guv."
"Cover your tracks!" Harry says, but Eggsy takes the glasses off and drops them on the desk. Then he leaves a note for Merlin 'Water in the engine room Mr Scott, report to the shop immediately - Captain Galahad xoxo'. It is written on the back of a receipt for a bumper order of condoms and lube. Do they really go through that much? How come he doesn't get more honeypots if they do? Clearly Merlin plays favorites. Or evil super genius is not the equal opportunities job it should be.
There is a pair of workboots in the (what do you, not locked!) cupboard with the metal toolbox and Eggsy takes them too. Merlin has big feet ... Which Eggsy is not gonna think about. Not with that nose... No. He heads to the shuttle instead and tries to remember what he learnt in that one week ten years ago, other than always make sure the electricity is off, 'real men' still use imperial measurements and to never give a receipt for work done if he could avoid it.
"It is not getting any worse." Harry says when Eggsy arrives. He is wearing wellies. Green, with buckles at the top. Very country gentleman. But not really working with the suit.
"Good." Says Eggsy. "That is what you hope for when you cut the water off. I'll go have a look-see."
Merlin arrives with a pump half an hour later. Eggsy is busy sticking a meter into the walls looking for the leak. Harry is behind Merlin and looking worried. Merlin is smiling. Suddenly, Eggsy knows he is fucked.
"Galahad." Merlin smiles. "Congratulations. You have earned yourself the position of assistant janitor."
"Hey I was just helping out!" Eggsy says, but Merlin just smiles wider and ignores him.
"You will be attending a college course called Introduction to Construction Futures, in which you will learn everything you need to know to renovate this building. You will then assist me in doing so, as you are so keen to help, have shown the aptitude and clearly need something to keep you occupied that is not sticking your snotty nose where it is not required."
"Now Merlin, mate, I'm sorry about the cupboard, I was looking for the toolbox. I swear!"
"The toolbox was in an unlocked cupboard by the door. There was no lockpicking required. Nor defacing of technical sketches or reading of personal memos." Merlin says and he is obviously angry. "And you have. Stuffed. My. Wrench. Down. The. Back. Of. Your. Bloody. Trousers!" The scot bellows. "You had better be wearing pants." He says reigning himself in as Eggsy, truly embarrassed, removes the wrench wondering how it even got there. "Did you find the leak?" He asks, calm again but pinching his nose in a way that suggests everything could still explode any second.
"Not yet." Eggsy mumbles.
"Right. Set up the pump, give back my boots and piss off." Eggsy scrambles to follow the commands.
"Do you have plans for this evening?" Harry asks Eggsy, as he is dejectedly tying his shoes.
"Getting blitzed to avoid thinking about being the old bloke in the class with a bunch of fucking 16 year olds who think they're the man coz they've left school." Eggsy snipes.
"Hmm." Says Harry. "Come and have dinner first. The pressure in my shower keeps dropping and Merlin doesn't seem to think fixing it is a priority."
"No?" Eggsy laughs slightly manically. "Can't imagine why not. Its not like he's our handler, tech genius, pilot and janitor or anything. I can't imagine why he might want to spend his downtime doing something that is not fixing your shower."
"He doesn't have to wash his hair in it." Harry replies. "If he did, he would understand."
Eggsy snorts. "Yeah, alright. You got a toolkit?"
"There is one in the house." Harry confirms.
Eggsy fixes the pressure on Harry's shower and Harry makes dinner. Real carbonara, with real raw egg and posh ham and about an entire cow's worth of cream. It tastes divine but gives him the standard spaghetti and fork problems. Harry forbids him from cutting the spaghetti. And then from exaggerated slurping.
The backdoor opens and Merlin steps in.
"You made carbonara for the brat and didn't wait for me?" He asks.
"He did limit the damage at the shop when you forgot to redirect my calls to your standard glasses." Harry says. "And he fixed the pressure on the shower."
"Mixed messages." Merlin says and drops into a seat, then cracks all of his knuckles menacingly. Harry gets up and puts together a third serving in the kitchen.
"I didn't forget you, Rupert." Harry says putting the plate in front of Merlin and giving his shoulder a casual squeeze.
Eggsy chokes as he swallows his spaghetti wrong. That touch was so familiar. So practiced. So completely natural...
"Rupert?" He asks and nearly chokes himself again giggle-snorting. "As in ... Rupert the bear?"
"Yes?" Says Harry at the same time Merlin says "NO!"
Eggsy nearly hacks up a lung after that.
"Yeah, right." He says. "Harry, you need to get out more."
"No he doesn't." Growls Merlin.
"Have you got a suitable digestif to educate my palette with?" Eggsy asks, looking innocently at Harry. "I'd like a word with your boyfriend about his plans for me attending college."
Merlin's face is sour, but Harry gives Eggsy a wink (funny how he can tell it is a wink even with the eyepatch) behind his back as he heads off to the bar in the sitting room. Eggsy suddenly wonders if this was really his idea, or if it was less than a coincidence that Harry has apparently made one of Merlin's favorite meals and accidentally given Eggsy blackmail material. He doubts it somehow. Harry clearly knows how to handle their handler.
"Right Merlin." Eggsy knows he has one chance at this negotiation and he can't afford to push too much. "In exchange for my silence on the matter of your real name and your relationship with Harry, you will cancel whatever sneaky fucking admissions crap you pulled to get me on that college course. However, it was a bit rude of me to poke about and I do need something other than target practice to keep me busy and it does seem to be necessary, so I will help you renovate. You can teach me what I need to know." He stuffs an almost perfect forkload of spaghetti into his mouth and chews thoughtfully before adding as casually as he can, "I am only interested in learning from the best anyway."
He watches the scot warring with himself about whether he wants to preen at the praise or be angry at the cheek. Eventually, he gives in and nods.
Merlin has gone to test the newly fixed shower, leaving Eggsy and Harry on the sofa with refilled glasses of Harry's delicious digestif.
"Go on then." Eggsy grins. "How did you pull Merlin?"
"What makes you think I made the initial approach?" Harry asks, smiling in a way that gives him crows feet and sparkling eyes.
"Give over, left to hisself he'd never leave his mancave. Not with all his preciouses there and his magical fountain of Irn-Bru."
"He can't cook." Harry grins back. "That is one area that this particular decorative posh git is actually quite accomplished in, without any intervention on the part of our sarcastic scot. If he ever offers you anything more complicated than cheesy beans on toast, do not eat it. It is his elaborate, slow and painful means of murdering you." Harry takes a delicate sip from his glass. "The toast is usually burnt too." He says sadly. "A completely hopeless case. However, if you say the word 'tiramisu' to him, there is very little he won't do."
"I think that might only work for you, Harry." Eggsy smiles, he is genuinely happy his mentor has someone he is clearly completely smitten with.
"Too bloody right." Merlin says, striding into the room in a pair of loud, red, tartan pajamas. "Good job on the shower, Eggsy. Treat my tools with the respect they deserve in the future and I might not end up bricking you up in a wall."
And really, Eggsy thinks, there are much worse people it could be.
AN2 My brother did the course, before he decided to be a biochemist. My brother is a useful person to know for all your sink fixing, wallpapering, plastering, door hanging, wiring and virus testing needs ... ('Learn all the things!' is totally a family problem.)
I was a primary teacher for my work experience because I knew I'd be good at it and was too lazy to look for anything challenging at the time. I should have been a sparky. That would have been cool.