To Plan a Birthday
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Bookman, Lavi
Subject: Urgent!
I need you to meet be in the library at noon sharp. If possible, avoid the cafeteria on your way; Kanda will be eating lunch in there and we can't risk him finding out. Bring your thinking cap, because this is going to be tricky to pull off! ~Lenalee
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Bookman, Lavi
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: re: Urgent!
Can't. Filing records for Gramps. -Lavi
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Lee, Komui
To: Bookman
Subject: Important
There is a meeting for all exorcists currently at headquarters at twelve today. I know you and Lavi are incredibly busy trying to dig up more information on the Noah, but would it be possible for you to let Lavi attend this meeting? It should be over within a few hours. –Komui Lee
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Bookman
To: Lee, Komui
Subject: re: Important
My apprentice will be free to attend the meeting. Please remind him that at its conclusion he is to return promptly to the archives so we may continue work.
-Komui Lee was unavailable upon delivery. Message was received instead by Lenalee Lee-
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Bookman, Lavi
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: What?
Was that memo from Komui real? -Lavi
MEMO 6/2/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Bookman, Lavi
Subject: re: What?
How dare you accuse me of impersonating my own brother! I would never do such a thing unless the need was truly dire. See you at noon! ~Lenalee
THE OFFICIAL PLANNING OF KANDA'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
June 2nd, 18XX
This is what I risked Gramps's wrath for?
Are you complaining?
No, not really. But is this wise? Yu doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would want to celebrate his birthday.
That's exactly why it's up to us to give him a surprise he'll never forget!
Checklist:
-Cake (We should be able to get Jerry's help with this one)
-Decorations (Yu is going to flip out if we decorate his room. Just putting that out there.)
-Presents (I'm not sure what our grumpy samurai friend could want for his birthday.)
(A sword?)
(He already has his Innocence. Besides, he doesn't need another weapon to threaten you with.)
(Um… candy?)
(You're hopeless. This one will take some thought. Maybe we can get Tiedoll to help?)
-Distraction (What do we need a distraction for?)
(It's a surprise party, of course! We can put Allen in charge of this. I'm sure he'll be glad to help.)
So… what's the plan?
For now, we'll alert everyone we need to help out. We can go into more in-depth planning later.
I'll send a memo to Jerry. You want to talk to Allen and Tiedoll?
Sure. I'll ask my brother if we can use the cafeteria for the party so we don't have to decorate Kanda's room.
Sounds good!
Transmission via Golem
From: Headquarters
To: Tiedoll, Froi
5:43 PM 6/3/18XX
"General Tiedoll?"
"Ah, Lenalee! It's good to hear from you. I trust everything is all right back at Headquarters?"
"Yes, everything's fine. Actually, this isn't really business-related, so I probably shouldn't be using a golem, but I didn't know how else to reach you."
"Don't worry; I won't report you to Komui for tying up one of the lines if you don't tell him I've been sketching landscapes more often than hunting for Innocence. There are just too many beautiful mountains up here in China."
"Of course I won't, General. Anyway, what I meant to ask, will you be coming back to Headquarters anytime soon?"
"I'm afraid not. My wanderings have taken me too far abroad and it will take me some weeks to return. Why do you ask?"
"Well, it's Kanda's birthday on Wednesday, and I know you're like a father to him—"
"Oh, Yu-kun's birthday! I completely forgot. Will you wish him the best from me?"
"I'll be sure to tell him, General. But Lavi and I are planning a surprise party for him, and we're not sure what to get him. We were hoping you might have a suggestion."
"A surprise party! Now I really wish I'd be there. I'd love to see the look on Yu-kun's face. As for presents, those will be rather difficult. Yu never seems to want anything. I suppose you could always get him new hair ties. Or perhaps sword polish for his katana; he always keeps Mugen in the best condition."
"We'll keep those in mind. Thank you, General!"
"Oh, and Lenalee, one more thing—?"
"Yes, General?"
"There's a painting hanging in my room, a calm lake dotted with lotus flowers. Though he doesn't say so, I think Yu has taken a liking to it. Could you take it down and give it to him from me?"
"Of course! I'll get right on it."
"Thank you, Lenalee. Have fun planning the party!"
MEMO 6/4/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: Kanda's Birthday
Allen-kun—It's Kanda's birthday in two days and Lavi and I are planning a surprise party. We need someone to distract him while we decorate the cafeteria. Would you be willing to help out? ~Lenalee
MEMO 6/4/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: re: Kanda's Birthday
Sure, I'd be glad to help! How should I distract him, though? -Allen
MEMO
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: re: Kanda's Birthday
Use whatever means necessary! We need to keep him in the dark about this, and he's perceptive enough to pick up on it if we're too obvious. Just ask him to spar or something. But try to show up in one piece, okay? ~Lenalee
THE SECOND MEETING OF THE OFFICIAL PLANNING OF KANDA'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
June 5th, 18XX
I received confirmation from Jerry; the food will be delivered in time.
I sent a memo to Allen. He said he'd help distract Kanda while we set up. I also talked to General Tiedoll, with less success. We still need to think of gift ideas.
Good enough for now. Onward to phase two!
TIME SCHEDULE – Wednesday, June 6
6:00 AM – Kanda wakes up for morning training and meditation session
7:30 AM – Kanda eats breakfast in the cafeteria
8:00 AM – Kanda returns to the training grounds for more practice
(This is boring. Do we really need to record every minute of the day?)
(Yes! Every second must be accounted for! This is loosely based off of Kanda's typical daily schedule, so we must be prepared for any mishap.)
10:00 AM – Kanda returns to his room for meditation
11:30 AM – Kanda eats lunch in the cafeteria
12:00 PM – Kanda returns to the training gr-
(Okay, we get it, Kanda does nothing but train all day. Can we please skip to the interesting stuff?)
3:00 PM – Allen begins the distraction process
3:15 PM – Food is delivered to Lavi
3:30 PM – Set-up for the party begins in the cafeteria
5:00 PM – Kanda and Allen return to the cafeteria and the party begins
What if somebody screws up and the entire schedule is off by fifteen minutes?
We get Miranda to use her Innocence to set everything back so we can try again.
…No, seriously.
Relax, Lavi. Everything will work out. What could possibly go wrong?
MEMO 6/5/18XX
From: Lee, Komui
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: Impersonation!
Dearest Lenalee—When I was checking the records this morning I discovered that on Saturday the second someone sent a memo to Bookman in my name. I know you would never do such a treacherous thing to your own brother, but did you perhaps witness this horrendous act as it was occurring? I must solve this mystery of who is trying to steal my identity! –Komui
MEMO 6/5/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Lee, Komui
Subject: re: Impersonation!
Brother, that's terrible! It must be Reever or someone else from the science division attempting to dodge work. I'm sure you'll catch the culprit in the end.
On a happier note, do you think we could use the cafeteria for a surprise party for Kanda tomorrow? It would mean the world to me!
MEMO 6/5/18XX
From: Lee, Komui
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: re: Impersonation
Of course! Anything for my darling Lenalee!
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: Spar?
Hey, do you want to train with me this afternoon?
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Kanda, Yu
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: re: Spar?
Why the hell are you sending me a memo when your room is literally four doors down the hall?
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: re: Spar?
Because I wanted to test if you could actually read and write. Or because if I came to your room to ask you you'd just slam the door in my face.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Kanda, Yu
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: re: Spar?
Damn right I would, Moyashi.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: re: Spar?
My name is Allen, BaKanda! Even on paper you can't get it right. This leaves me questioning whether you can read at all.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Kanda, Yu
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: re: Spar?
Why are we even having this retarded conversation in the first place?
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: re: Spar?
Because you never answered me original question! Do you want to train with me?
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Kanda, Yu
To: Walker, Allen
Subject: re: Spar?
No. Leave me alone.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: re: Spar?
Come on! Please? I never knew the "great" BaKanda to back down from a fight.
-Yu Kanda was unavailable upon delivery. Message returned to sender.—
Black Order Surveillance Camera #22
Location: Exorcists' dorms, third floor
Date: 6/6/18XX 3:07:56 PM
An exorcist with white hair emerges from room 16. He walks down the hall, muttering to himself, to room 12. He knocks on the door.
Sixteen seconds elapse. He knocks again, harder.
After another fourteen seconds, he frowns and pounds furiously. The door swings open, and an exorcist with long, dark hair emerges. He carries a katana, which he points at the first exorcist's throat. The white-haired exorcist shrinks back against the wall, holding up his hands as his comrade shouts something at him. He responds more calmly, causing the dark-haired exorcist to glare.
Twenty-eight seconds pass while the two stare at each other, standing motionless. Then the dark-haired exorcist lowers his sword and returns it to its sheath. He sighs and says something to the other boy. The two exorcists walk down the hallway and out of sight.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Bookman, Lavi
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: Party time!
Food has been delivered. Ready to decorate? -Lavi
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Lee, Lenalee
Subject: Birthday
Kanda has been sufficiently distracted. We're on our way to the training grounds right now. You guys can get started whenever you're ready. -Allen
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Bookman, Lavi
Subject: re: Party time!
We have the all clear from Allen. Get everyone together; let's throw a surprise party! ~Lenalee
Black Order Surveillance Camera #3
Location: Cafeteria
Date: 6/6/18XX 3:14:05 PM
The head chef enters the cafeteria from the kitchen, pushing a large cart of food. He looks at his watch, then at the clock on the wall. Four minutes pass as he stands there alone.
An exorcist with red hair and a bandana enters the cafeteria via the main door. He hurries over to the chef. The exorcist points at the tables pushed against the wall and the chef nods. Together the two unload the cart of food onto the tables. The redhead says something to the chef, who nods and returns to the kitchen.
Sixty-eight seconds elapse. The head chef re-enters the kitchen, carrying a large white birthday cake, which he sets on a table. He produces a slip of paper, which the red-haired exorcist signs. The chef returns to the kitchen and the exorcist leaves through the main doors.
Seven minutes and twelve seconds pass. Two exorcists, one with long dark hair and the other with shorter white hair, enter the cafeteria, arguing. The white-haired exorcist spots the tables of food and his eyes widen. He grabs the dark-haired exorcist's sleeve and attempts to drag him away, but the other teen stands firm. He surveys the area, glowering, one hand on the hilt of his katana. As his gaze reaches the food, the white-haired exorcist jumps in front of him, gesturing wildly with his hands. The dark-haired exorcist pushes him away and rolls his eyes. Still standing in front of the food, the shorter exorcist says something. At last the other exorcist turns away, and the white-haired boy heaves a visible sigh of relief. The two exit the cafeteria.
Twenty-eight seconds pass before the double doors to the cafeteria swing open once again. A female exorcist with short dark hair and carrying a clipboard dashes into the room. She looks around frantically, throws her clipboard on the nearest table, and runs back out.
Forty-nine seconds later, the female exorcist returns, pulling the red-haired exorcist by the arm. She drags him into the center or the room, grabbing her clipboard as she passes the table. She begins talking rapidly, pointing at things written on the clipboard and gesturing around the room. The red-haired exorcist nods obediently. When she pauses to draw breath, he asks her a question. She nods, and the two leave the cafeteria.
After twelve minutes and thirty seconds have passed, the two exorcists return, accompanied by several exorcists, finders, and other Black Order staff members. Some are carrying bundles of paper streamers and confetti; others tote an abundance of noise makers and party hats. Many have brought packages wrapped in brightly-colored paper. The short-haired female exorcist reads from her clipboard, and the group springs into action.
Seventy-nine minutes slip away as they decorate the cafeteria. At last, the crowd steps back to admire their work. The room has been transformed. Streamers are draped on the windows, the light fixtures, and basically every open surface. The food has been assembled into a buffet line and the gifts are piled on a table.
The girl with the clipboard shouts something and everyone ducks down behind the tables. The red-haired exorcist extinguishes the lights. Three minutes and forty-one seconds elapse as they wait in complete darkness.
The cafeteria door creaks open, letting in a sliver of light. The white-haired exorcist peers in from behind the door. He enters, tugging his dark-haired comrade by the arm. The other exorcist attempts to pull away, but the white-haired boy maintains a firm grip. He says something in an attempt to calm the other boy.
The red-haired exorcist creeps toward the light switch.
With an irritated grown, the dark-haired exorcist turns to leave.
The redhead flips the switch and the cafeteria is suddenly brightly illuminated. The exorcists, finders, and other staff leap from their hiding places and shout in unison. The dark-haired exorcist freezes, one hand still on the doorknob. He slowly turns around and his eyes widen in shock as they lock on the white banner stretched the width of the cafeteria. Vibrant red letters proudly declare "Happy birthday Kanda!"
The red-haired exorcist bounds over to his dark-haired comrade, who glares and mutters something under his breath. Once again the long-haired exorcist turns to leave but is stopped by the redhead. Reluctantly, he allows himself to be dragged into the party.
Transmission via Golem
From: Tiedoll, Froi
To: Kanda, Yu
7:08 PM 6/6/18XX
"Hello?"
"Happy birthday, Yu-kun! Lenalee told me about the party she was organizing for you. I wish I could have been there; it sounded like fun. But at least I was there in spirit – did you like the gift I sent you? (pause) Yu-kun? Hello?"
(*click*)
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Lee, Lenalee
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Kanda! Did you enjoy your party? You looked a little irritated at first (as usual), but Lavi swears you were having fun by the end. Imagine that – you having fun! Have you opened your presents yet? I noticed you stormed off without looking at the stack of gifts, so I arranged to have them delivered to your room. There's a special one from Tiedoll in there!
Hope you enjoyed your special day! ~Lenalee
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Bookman, Lavi
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: Happy birthday!
Hey, birthday boy! Did Yu have fun tonight? How do Yu feel to be a year older? Should we do this every year for Yu? Yu even looked almost happy by the end of it! See, Yu are somewhat normal after all! –Lavi
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: Unbelievable
Did my eyes deceive me, or was the grouchy birthday boy actually smiling a little there at the end? This is a moment for the history books. Happy birthday, BaKanda! –Allen Walker
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Kanda, Yu
To: Bookman, Lavi; Lee, Lenalee; Walker, Allen
Subject: Go away
What will it take for you people to leave me alone? And Moyashi, you need your eyes checked.
MEMO 6/6/18XX
From: Walker, Allen
To: Kanda, Yu
Subject: re: Go away
Don't deny it, BaKanda! You actually enjoyed it! Even a grouch like you can have fun every once in a while.
-Yu Kanda was murderous and homicidal upon delivery. Messenger fled to preserve own life. Message returned to sender.—
THE END