Author's Note: So I've definitely decided that one-shots are the perfect thing to work on when you're in-between chapters of an actual story and you're trying to figure out how to start the next one. So this one's a little different than my last one…because it's not angst! That's right; I'm writing something that's not even the least bit depressing. And how is that? Because it's completely from Hermione's perspective (like first person), and her mind's not quite as full of pent up anger as Draco Malfoy's. That being said, the premise of this little fic is that Hermione is literally writing a chapter of her autobiography, and that chapter just happens to be the one about her least favorite person in the world (sort of…). It's DH compliant but NOT Epilogue compliant.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's J.K. Rowling's.
Did you ever wonder why no one really likes ferrets?
Well, I know why no one likes ferrets.
You see, even if they are sometimes really cute and pet-worthy, most of the time they're just not-so-cute pests.
Exhibit A: Draco Malfoy.
One might argue that this particular breed of asshole is really just insecure, and that's why he's such a little snotrag; that all his outward hostility is just his way of releasing his frustrations with himself. Please!
Insecurity my ass. Draco Malfoy is the single most hateful, disgusting, immature, stupid, arrogant, and downright demeaning person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting in my entire life. And I know a good deal of people who would agree with me (and not to name drop or anything, but I know for a fact that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley both hate him). Trust me; I am definitely not the only one who finds him an absolutely dreadful person.
Sure, he had some circumstances he couldn't help – being born into a Death Eater family, being surrounded by other Death Eater kids at school and so on. Yeah, I can get that he had a lot of pressure to be, well, the kind of person he ended up being (an ass), but whatever. He could have gone against the grain and defied all that, tried to be a better person, but he didn't. Why? I'll tell you why.
Because Draco Malfoy is weak. He's a coward.
Don't believe me? Fine. But I can personally attest to his cowardice.
See, I hit him once. Yeah, that's right: I hit Draco Malfoy. I'm not going to lie; it felt really, really good. And quite honestly, he deserved it. If you'd been there, you probably would have hit him just like I did (I hit him hard, dammit). And did he fight back? Of course not! And you know why he didn't fight back? Because he was too scared of me to fight me properly. He'd never admit it, but it's true.
Yeah, you heard it here first: Draco Malfoy is scared of girls.
In his defense, though, he might have fought back…if he hadn't been afraid of messing up his hair. Honestly, Draco Malfoy is the vainest person you will ever meet. He practically cried after I hit him, no doubt afraid that I'd leave a bruise on his (in his opinion) flawless face. And man, I wish I had left a bruise. So. Bad.
Because if anyone needs a good dose of humility, it's Draco Malfoy. Honestly, I've never met anyone more full of themselves – and I met Professor Lockhart. And you don't even need to trust me to know that that's saying something.
Seriously, the kid pranced around all his years at Hogwarts like he was Head Boy (HA! In his dreams). And for some reason that I never – and will never – understand, all those stupid girls practically worshipped him. At least the Slytherin girls, anyway – the rest of the girls at school had too much sense to dignify him with their attentions. But just look at Pansy Parkinson: that girl was so obsessed with him she would have switched into Hufflepuff if he'd asked her to. And she wasn't the only one, either.
I'm sorry (ok, no I'm not), but I just don't see it. Honestly, he's one of the ugliest people I have ever met. And considering I've met the likes of Fenrir Greyback and a few choice Death Eaters, I definitely know what I'm talking about. Because let me tell you, that lot was hideous.
And, okay, you're probably thinking that I can't be good judge of his looks, due to the fact that I might be a little biased. And I most certainly am biased. After all, there was that little mutual hatred thing between us going on back at Hogwarts.
But really, you'd be biased too if you were me. The insults! The overgrown teeth! The rivalry with best friends! Anyone who put up with that would find Draco Malfoy grotesque. Trust me.
And you should. Trust me, I mean. I don't really approve of the whole name-dropping business, but I would like to take this opportunity to point out to anyone who wasn't previously aware that I am one of Harry Potter's best friends. Let me repeat that name: Harry Potter. So really, you can trust me.
Speaking of Harry Potter, I should point out that he happened to save one Draco Malfoy's life. Yeah, you know that whole major battle at Hogwarts where Voldemort was defeated (by none other than Harry Potter, which you should know unless you're just a whole new level of stupid)? I personally witnessed Harry Potter save Draco Malfoy's scrawny little ass. Twice! I bet you haven't heard about that yet. Well you wouldn't have, would you, considering Draco Malfoy has never acknowledged that Harry Potter helped him out in such an extreme manner. But help him Harry did. And did he ever get a thank you?
No, you might not be surprised to hear, he did not.
Because what it all boils down to is that Draco Malfoy's a jackass, plain and simple.
Do you really need more proof?
Well, here's some more proof for you: he never takes out the garbage. Ever. He always makes me take out the garbage. He always ends up shoving the bills in cryptic places for me to have to dig up, like behind the Pumpkin Juice. He always throws the paper away before I get the chance to read it just because he likes it when I get pissed it off. He always hides my, er, feminine products just to get a laugh. He uses my razor and my hair care products without asking. He's the biggest bathroom hog I've ever met – and I roomed with Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, so I would definitely know. Did I mention he always forgets to put the toilet seat back down? And when I say always, I mean always. And I totally caught him using my toothbrush the other day.
And really, that's just not hygienic.