Keith had always had this inkling like he didn't belong. It wasn't like one of those false senses- where people do try to get along with the person and it's the person who rejects such connections. It was a sense of emotional isolation, possibly in response to childhood trauma and out of self-preservation. Keith never really had anyone like a loving parent or sibling to provide him such comforts.
If Keith was being honest, Shiro, and later and by extension, the team members from Voltron, was the first place he had gotten a niggling of a thought that he could belong there- that he would always have a place. Because, as he was lead to believe, the Lions choose their paladins and for some reason he had thought that… That he's irreplaceable.
In his eyes, his- dare he to call them.. Friends, are irreplaceable. And the more the days dragged on, that's the way it seemed to Keith. They all provide something instrumental to the team to ensure success.
Shiro provides them leadership. He's levelheaded, calm, and seemingly most important of all, older and wiser. He's been through more than they have combined, with his time in Galra captivity. Shiro can think objectively, he can be and is their pillar of support.
Hunk provides mechanical expertise. Keith is sure Coran would have to do all of the ships' and lions' repair all by himself if Hunk wasn't among them. Pidge wasn't the hands-on type. Shiro, while he could help out where he can, is honestly rather… clumsy. Lance will help out here and there, but his short-attention span (that comes out in non-threatening situations) dilutes his efficiency. Coran would never allow Allura do to such work, even though she has helped out where she could sans Coran's knowledge. It was mostly carrying the heavy things (Alteans are strong). And Keith… Well, let's just say the only thing he's good for would be to pass what you need. And even then, be prepared to get the wrong thing.
Pidge is good with coding and hacking. They wouldn't have gotten as far as they had in their missions if they didn't have anyone on their team who could do that. They wouldn't have been able to help the Olkari if they didn't have her intellect and curiosity. Pidge was so young, in comparison to them, and yet so wise beyond her years with her genius. On top of that, she had that emotional intelligence many girls naturally have. Stubborn and strong willed.
Lance? He provides so much more than comic relief. He provided the metaphorical glue to keep the team together. Keith is positive, that if Lance was not there, no one else but Shiro would even talk to him. Hell, if it wasn't for Lance then Hunk and Pidge wouldn't have been there anyway. Hunk would still be in his room at the Garrison, Pidge would have missed the pivotal point of Shiro crashing because Lance would not have been there to sneak them out.
Even if Lance had reached out to him out of jealousy, even if all he did was taunt, it made Keith feel oddly wanted. Because even if those supposedly negative emotions were aimed toward him, he had a feeling Lance interacting with him made Keith seem more approachable to others.
Lance was the glue. Lance was the moral. He was the team's sharpshooter. God, if Keith could rant to someone about how many amazing plans Lance has thought up on the spot, he'd probably be going for hours (although limited, because they haven't been in space that long, he would probably repeat them more than once). His plans, combined with Shiro's leadership, Pidge's witt, and Hunk's intelligence, provide the team with a rock solid wall of skills.
But Keith?
Keith doesn't have anything, really.
Keith was not a good leader (as he had already known, and as how he'd shown the rest of them when, for the sole purpose to just expose his flaws, Black had chosen him). He's brash and short-tempered, his emotions ate him up.
Keith was not good with mechanics. Flying? Sure, he can fly circles around everyone, Shiro included. But mechanics? At the beginning, when he had tried really, really hard to get things right when Hunk or Coran explained things to him. He did, he really did. But the things they said didn't fit into his mind correctly, it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. He would mess up wires, use the wrong tools. Even Red had hissed warningly at him one time. After a particularly bad screw-up, he had been booted from the hangers and asked to help by bringing drinks and snacks (although it was done nicely. Hunk never does anything scathingly unless is was true and he was right after they got into some shit; like that time with Nyma and Rolo).
Keith was not good with computers or coding, like Pidge was. He had neither the mental capacity nor the patience to sift through the numbers and letters. He lacked emotional intelligence, for whatever reason. He can't read clues often and language is hard. Any language.
And Keith was definitely not like Lance. He was not the team's morale or glue. He couldn't come up with plans like Lance could. He had terrible aim.
If all of them were bringing something to the table, it would be this: Shiro brings the table, Lance brings the chairs, Pidge brings the dishes and cutlery, and Hunk brings the food. And Keith just stands there looking awkward and out of place because he'd probably be kicked out of the kitchen for trying to help, or kicked out because he accidentally dropped the glasses.
Regardless, somehow he'd be kicked out until everything is set up and then, probably out of moral obligation, he would be invited to sit.
When they found Shiro Keith thought everything would be back to normal. Shiro would take Black, Keith would get Red back, and Lance would go back to being with Blue. And honestly, Keith didn't think to far ahead about how everything that happened, including finding Shiro, messed with the team's dynamic.
Or maybe, Keith thinks as he sits on the edge of his bed in his Marmora suit, or maybe he was already thinking and readying himself for the inevitable.
It was a surprise that Lance had come to him to advice regarding the matter. Having one paladin too many. You're right. Keith's subconscious said as he told Lance "solid math." We do have one paladin too many.
"Leave the math to Pidge." He said, giving an awkward smile and hoping his body language gave Lance the confidence he needed.
The one paladin too many is me.
His mind whispers, the harshness scraping against his mind constantly. Because look, Team Voltron is now perfect.
Allura is amazing with Blue. She's unlocked so many things, she's made miraculous progress, she's the Princess (Queen), and more than likely, Shiro's intended. It was then and there that Keith made up his mind to extract himself.
The next mission Keith volunteers to sit himself out, ready to take this on. He's ready to accept his fate. But then again, why wouldn't he? Everything made perfect sense for him to. Not to mention… Red had called out to Lance when Black chose him. Called out to him. Unlike with Keith, when she was temperamental up until Keith was ejected into the vastness of space with no second plan of rescue.
Red might have been unconsciously glued to Keith's soul-or however the lions chose their paladins, but even so, she called out to Lance. Idley, Keith thinks, like former paladin like lion. Even then, before even thinking about himself being the odd paladin out, he had decided to step down as a paladin. It wasn't like his crush on Lance was easy to see, after all. And maybe, he thinks with growing pressure behind his eyes, maybe Red chose Lance because Lance somehow knew him better than everyone else. Because she knew Lance would take care of her, and Keith… At least when Keith was still the Black Paladin.
But now Keith has neither the desire nor the want to take Red back, if Lance would lose his place among the team. It hurts in more ways than one, but this is what needed to happen.
Keith doesn't regret his decision, not really.
Except that the heavy weight on his heart won't go away. It wasn't regret, no. But it was… something he couldn't name.
Keith sucks in a breath, grinding his teeth and wills himself to breathe normally. It doesn't really help, not when the reality of how he'd successfully extracted himself seamlessly from the team worked. Tears build up in his eyes and he looks around his barren room, the only thing here his jacket that's hung near the door.
He needed to leave before the others find out he was still skulking around the castle.
Following the appearance of Shiro, Keith had inserted himself into Marmora-run operations and intelligence gathering. He himself started to distance himself from the team. He did more Blade of Marmora missions, missed some critical battles and runs with Voltron, and then, earlier… He'd fucked up big.
Strangely, it was a bittersweet fuck up because, although he missed something very important, he had gotten the desired outcome.
Black's acceptance of Shiro.
But their glare as he came onto the control deck was jarring. Disappointment, resentment, anger.
"You keep saying you're sorry, but your actions say otherwise." Allura had said, brows furrowed in distress. "Do you realize that your absence put the team in jeopardy?"
"And not just the team, the refugees as well." Lance pipes up, finally turning his body fully to face Keith in all his frustrated despondency.
"Matter of fact, the entire quadrant was in danger." Pidge says, arms crossed. Their tone of voice was ripping into him and he looks away.
"This is not the way I wanted this to happen.." Keith whispers out, and probably for the first time he thought on his feet. "But, if there's a bright side to any of this, it's that my absence allowed Shiro to reestablish his bond with the Black Lion."
Like how it was and should always be, he thought at that time.
Keith sees the miniscule change in their posture: the slackened jaws, relaxed shoulders as they take it in, eyebrows raised as if they hadn't even noticed Shiro had taken his rightful place as pack leader.
"He can finally be the leader I was unable to be." The one I should have never become. "I'm not meant to pilot the Black Lion." I'm not meant to pilot anything.
"Is that why you've been pulling away from us?" Their disgruntled expressions drop to one of surprise and concern, shocked at this prospect. They hadn't thought anything of it. They thought it was Keith being Keith, bad leader Keith being bad leader Keith.
"Yeah." Keith keeps his eyes down to the floor. "I suppose that's part of it." He keeps his emotions in check.
"Part of it? What's the other part?" Hunk asks.
I don't belong here anymore. I never belonged.
Keith had half a tick to get his answer on track. "The Blades have been making real headway tracking the source of this new quintessence…" Now it was just regurgitating the information. No emotions involved.
"It could take weeks, maybe months to pull off, but… If there is a chance… We have.." Keith's eyes widen, his chest constricts at his hiccup. No. "I have to take it. I need to be on that mission."
Because he didn't belong, they weren't coming with him. Because he didn't belong, he'd go where he was needed. His voice was urgent. The team might have thought it was because he has a strong sense of duty to do this.
But to himself it seems like he was trying to convince himself. It worked, he guesses by their reactions.
"Shiro, you are the rightful leader of this team." Keith finally looks forward, and he wonders if they can tell he's not really staring at any one of them in the eye. None of them look angry now, he idley thinks. "And you proved it today by reconnecting with the Black Lion. It was always meant to be yours." Keith's voice said with conviction, because he believed it. Every word.
Keith had thought, by their stupefied reactions and set worried frowns, that they'd try and at least tell him to stay. To do something other than leave.
"Keith," Shiro clasps his hand on his shoulder, light. The reassuring squeeze does not come. "If this is what you feel is right, then we won't try to stop you." He speaks for the team, because Shiro's word is near law. "But just know that we're here for you whenever you need us."
But I won't be, his mind whispers.
Keith relaxes his face, his lips turning into the beginning of a smile, "I know you are." But I won't bother you. "And I can't tell you how much that means to me." His voice was honest. He didn't have to fake that smile, not really. He meant those words.
Keith lets himself be hugged, lets himself be embraced, in what could be the last embrace, by his teammates. He almost can't understand why they're crying. Shiro shows no sign of tears. Keith can speculate that, with him gone Shiro didn't have to passively fight for leadership. Keith can live with that.
Hunk and Coran might have been pulled into the moment and the emotions, almost comically crying harder than anyone else. Pidge he can kind of understand, as they'd built a fragile comredere, as she proclaims, "we're really gonna miss you."
Keith smiles gently, if he could ever call his smiles gentle as he listens to Lance talk.
"I know you'll make us proud."
The heat is nice, even through his Marmora suit. But he knows this will end.
The hug disburses and Keith walks to the door, sparing one last glance at what he could call his only family.
No one tells him to stay.
Keith gives them one last smile, drinking in the sight of Hunk clinging to Lance in distress. He paused, smile dropping in a frown as he looks down and away. Keith pivots on his feet and walks off, the doors sliding closed behind him.
Keith doesn't stop until he's reached the end of the hallway. He pauses and looks back at the doorway, and waits a tick before grinding his teeth and stalks towards his room.
See how everything worked itself out?
Keith's quiet sobs echoed in the otherwise silent room, and he let it. Let it out, he said to himself, quickly.
The math problem is solved, Lance. He thought sardonically, earning himself a chuckle from himself. Keith sucks in a breath, and wipes off his face.
He was fine. The team was fine. Keith turns on his mask and grabs his coat on the way out.
They'll forget me soon, anyway.
They always do.
A/N:I'm having a lot of feelings. Why did I decide to rewatch Voltron and get attacked with these feelings? I don't know... but. Please, suffer with me. ;-;