Title: Finding Grace
Author: Jedi Vulicanne
Rating: PG
Summary: Tragic circumstances cause Obi-Wan to discover his own connection to the Living Force, with grave consequences. Pre-TPM - Obi is 18.
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: This wonderful universe belongs to George Lucas, perhaps the luckiest s- ah, human being in our own reality. I choose to call this a tribute to his genius :-)
Feedback: raichuelectric@hotmail.com - it's my first posted fic…pleeeeease?
Archive: If anyone thinks it's good enough, go right ahead.
Author's Note: Any concepts of the Force in this fic are entirely my own interpretation, and if they contradict anything then take it as AU, okeday?
Stars.
Seen from the confines of a planet, they became flickering symbols of a universe teeming with life, beckoning warmly with the offer of adventure and discovery, of dreams fulfilled, of possibilities beyond comprehension.
Yet viewed from the perspective of one isolated human, they held little appeal and provided little comfort. To him, the scattering of stars on their ebony backdrop were remote and dispassionate, cool in their appraisal from the heavens as though he was unworthy of their attention; the universe was a cruel, brutal place where evil went unpunished and the benign suffered, where justice was an abstract concept that was rarely brought into existence.
These bitter musings tumbled through Obi-Wan Kenobi's exhausted mind while he stared up at the night sky, oblivious to the light breeze cooling the air around him, its passage causing his robe and braid to ripple gently. The garden around him seemed to reflect his mood and remained ominously silent, only the gentlest rustle of leaves disturbing the stifling quiet, the shadows which clung to the foliage as dark and impenetrable as his thoughts: even the stream that ran close by had ceased its previously animated burbling.
Under different circumstances, Obi-Wan supposed, Dareela would be a lovely setting for a mission, far removed from the bustle of Coruscant. The planet remained lush and vibrant with exotic plant life and vast oceans with very few major cities, civilisation restricted instead to a network of smaller settlings across the largest continent, and the people had been friendly and welcoming. Of course, Obi-Wan had shown little appreciation for the resonance that Dareela created in the Living Force; he rarely did, with his attention drawn to the new sights and sounds around him during each mission, but his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had picked up on it instantly, infusing fresh enthusiasm into the older Jedi.
A sad, fleeting smile flickered across Obi-Wan's pensive expression at the memory. There had been an almost imperceptible change in Qui-Gon's bearing upon their arrival, a fractional lift of the chin and a relaxing of the shoulders followed by a soft, contented sigh. His Master always found joy in so deceptively a simple thing as being able to sense life around him, an ability which Obi-Wan found difficult to emulate no matter how hard he tried, achieving very brief connections with the Living Force only during a particularly deep level of meditation.
Shaking his head, the young Padawan turned to look at the large medical centre behind him, a foreboding sight when he considered the illness and pain contained within, but it was the suffering of one individual that was responsible for his current agitation. The two Jedi had been on Dareela only a matter of days when they had become the victims of a particularly brutal and wholly unprovoked attack by a mob of resentful citizens: Obi-Wan had been fortunate to escape the encounter with minor injuries - Qui-Gon, on the other hand, had not been so lucky, receiving a life-threatening blaster wound to his right leg which neither he nor Obi-Wan had been fast enough to deflect.
Earlier that evening, now a full week since the assault, the Healers had informed him that Qui-Gon would make a complete recovery thanks to intensive bacta treatment, and it was this news that had prompted his visit to the garden, seeking solitude, reflecting on the unfairness that the universe presented on a daily basis.
We were only trying to help,
the apprentice thought fiercely, his fury at the attack rising involuntarily then evaporating like mist in sunlight, replaced instead by despair. Why did this have to happen? We didn't do anything wrong! What if he had died…?This last thought, an acknowledgement that he could have lost Qui-Gon, was too much to bear; his breathing hitched in his chest and a sob worked its way free, a harsh, sharp sound in the eerie stillness of the garden. Weeping openly, his tortured cries deafening in the silence, Obi-Wan sank to his knees, his head bowing so low that his braid brushed the ground, the emotional release at once vindicating yet strangely unfulfilling. Without conscious thought, his hand reached into the inner pocket of his tunic and removed the two possessions he carried within, inanimate objects which somehow imparted comfort and hope at the darkest points of his life.
Uncurling his fingers, he stared down at the rocks sitting in his palm, revealed by the subdued glow of light from the medical centre, and his sobs slowly diminished, the tears on his face cooling in the breeze but failing to dry. Obi-Wan gently stroked the smooth, warm surface of his most treasured, if less valuable, of the two: his first birthday present as a Padawan, given to him by Qui-Gon five years ago. In the weak light, the ebony rock was almost invisible, a featureless shadow against the pale skin of his hand, but he no longer needed illumination to 'see' it – every feature, each individual maroon vein that streaked through the black colouration, had long since been committed to memory. However, it was not the stone's appearance that was important but its unique aura in the Force, bringing the immediate reassurance of Qui-Gon's presence even when his Master was absent.
The other rock was a more recent addition, but it was vastly more ancient, a relic of an era that predated the formation of the Jedi, except in the Order's most fundamental stage when the earliest Jedi were gradually discovering their Force-wielding ability and how to control it. It was a Lamari meditation stone, a delicately beautiful multi-hued crystal with a tiny, pearl-like sphere captured in the centre; such stones were rare and highly valued throughout the galaxy, and although Obi-Wan had heard of them, he had never seen one before the mission to Lamari itself with Qui-Gon a few months ago.
During their stay, Obi-Wan had become close to High Priestess Sashri, the planet's nominated guardian of the surviving crystals, who, with no children of her own and very little contact with the youth of her race, had been overjoyed at his company and the chance to teach him about the meditation stones and their history. Under her tutelage, he had learned that the Lamarin were a predominantly, although mildly, Force-sensitive people and that the stones acted as conduits, channelling the Force into or out of a particular individual, and were often used as a highly effective method of calming the mind. It was when he had tried using one of the crystals that he discovered the stones not only conducted the Force, they augmented one's sense of the Living Force, and for the first time he had had an inkling of how his Master viewed his surroundings.
Sitting in the garden now, Obi-Wan felt completely detached from the Living Force around him; indeed, he wished it that way, unable to cope with the notion that existence could continue as normal after having faced death at such a personal level. However, he knew he was in desperate need of the mental stability that the Lamari stone invariably brought during times of stress, and Obi-Wan reached out hesitantly, touching the crystal and pausing as it glowed beneath his finger, a warm golden pulse of light that died when he withdrew.
Sighing softly, he managed to gather his focus enough to levitate the stone and the golden light flared a second time, a soft rippling chime emanating from the sphere within, and his fingers closed almost protectively around the birthday rock that remained nestled safely in his palm in response. Instantly, he felt a massive swell in the Force around the Lamari crystal and he swayed slightly on his knees, his eyes flickering closed as the stone focused the flow of the Force into his body. The sudden rush was a little overwhelming at first, but Obi-Wan gradually became accustomed to the sensation and began to sink rapidly into intense meditation, lulled by the relatively foreign, pulsing energies of the Living Force that washed over and through him, much like the currents of the stream which continued to flow sluggishly nearby, chasing all thought from his mind.
At first, Obi-Wan relished the immediate calm, allowing himself to drift aimlessly in his own peculiar limbo, but he gradually became aware of something preventing him from completely releasing his anxieties, a light, fleeting touch that stroked his senses gently, subtle yet insistent in its demand for his attention. Apprehensive now, he concentrated and probed for the source of the disturbance, chagrined when he encountered only a vague, elusive impression of danger. He loosened his control slightly, his awareness expanding in an attempt to determine the nature of the threat, and he was startled to discover a haze of darkness penetrating the layer of Force he had created, so subdued it would have been undetectable at a shallower level of meditation.
However, as soon as the darkness became tangible, it dispersed swiftly until there was no trace of it left; shaken, Obi-Wan retreated to the familiar, reassuring confines of his own mind with the intention of rousing himself from his meditation, but despite his best efforts he couldn't free himself. With a growing sense of horror, he realised that the same suggestion of menace he had sensed earlier, which he had thought to be a precursor of some external hazard, remained and the Force around him crested now in a blatant warning that signalled internal difficulty.
Something had gone terribly wrong with the Lamari stone's channelling, a discrepancy that he instinctively knew was due to his previous distress concerning Qui-Gon's health rather than the anonymous darkness. The sudden pressure that was being created inside his body from the influx of the Force was uncomfortable and approaching painful, inducing deep exhaustion in a bizarre form of mental torpor that paralysed him physically, bringing the calm he had sought earlier with shocking abruptness.
Then, as a deadly peace began to settle over his mind, causing him to lose all sense of his own body, Obi-Wan became aware of new perceptions being supplied by this extraordinary but dangerous connection to the Force: the vibrations of the life forms that surrounded him, an elaborate, shifting myriad of sensations that at once bewildered and fascinated him with their complexity. In this pure, unhindered state instigated by the Lamari healing stone, the Living Force was revealed to him as an apex of sorts, a vast niche for the unified consciousness of every living creature in existence, a kind of hive mind that operated on varied levels of sentience, encompassing incomprehensible distances.
It was staggering, terrifying, exhilarating, intoxicating; all these reactions and more surfaced in rapid succession, suppressing the knowledge that his health was being placed in serious jeopardy in favour of enthralment. The Unifying Force, where his natural inclination lay, possessed an almost ethereal nature, composed of partially formed links hinting at future events and often maddeningly clouded half-certainties; in contrast, the Living Force was astonishingly more substantial, firmly directing his attention toward the importance of each passing moment as Qui-Gon constantly reminded him.
Qui-Gon. With that single thought, Obi-Wan's focus shifted dizzyingly, his mind automatically sifting through the diverse life signatures in his immediate vicinity - a fractional number compared to the countless others he had a vague impression of –and quickly locating the distinct aura which denoted his Master's presence in the Force. Lightly brushing against Qui-Gon's consciousness, he was relieved to find the elder Jedi sleeping soundly, apparently unaware of his Padawan's touch, his Force-signature and therefore his vital signs reassuringly strong.
Unexpectedly, his concentration on his Master brought a muted awareness of his own body, and waves of pain rippled through him, prompting a weary resignation that his current level of union with the Force could not continue if he was to survive. For a brief instant, Obi-Wan actually found himself considering allowing his corporeal form to perish, reluctant to terminate this rare link, but it only took the thought of what he would be leaving behind – what he was not ready to leave behind – to convince him otherwise.
There was no resistance this time as he unravelled his connection to the Living Force, feeling it melting away toward the distant focal point that signified the Lamari stone, his scattered consciousness compacting back into its usual patterns, until his own Force-equilibrium returned. He remained motionless as the wonderful chaos of enhanced alien sensations faded quickly from his head, to be replaced by a desolate emptiness that mirrored the hollow ache in his heart, leaving him with a feeling of immense loss.
Obi-Wan wasn't certain how long he lingered in that stance, still in a meditative pose on his knees, but he was finally roused some time later by faint warmth on his face and he stirred slowly, opening his eyes and blinking as a beautiful sunrise greeted him. Overhead, soft light cast by the gold of late dawn reached long fingers across the dark night to chase away the bright stars and diffuse the shadows that enshrouded the young Jedi, and he slumped tiredly, stretching out on his back and relaxing against the scented, dew-damp grass.
Somewhere in a more distant area of the garden, a bird warbled, the sound lilting and eerie, an intrusion into the hush that had reigned during the night, but it did much to soothe the Padawan's disquiet, lulling him into a state of fitful half-sleep, and he curled onto his side in a protective, foetal position while he considered recent events with an odd detachment that was broken only by the realisation that he was no longer alone.
"Padawan?" a voice breathed softly behind him and he uncurled his body in response, moaning slightly as his numbed legs protested the movements. He rolled onto his other side in the direction of the voice, too exhausted to rise.
"Master, you're not strong enough to be out of bed," he chided wearily, pushing himself into a sitting position and frowning reproachfully at Qui-Gon, who stood several metres away, leaning heavily on an improvised anti-grav crutch, his face ashen and beaded with sweat from his exertions.
"Padawan," the elder Jedi repeated, his tone a touch more forceful this time, and he slowly limped over to where Obi-Wan sat, his physical weakness betraying the strength in his voice. "I thought you might like some company," he remarked by way of appeasement.
Carefully, with an ill-disguised wince of pain, Qui-Gon settled onto the ground beside his apprentice and gathered his robe around himself against the morning chill that hung in the air. The silence between them was palpable but neither pushed for conversation, content to watch the sunrise, until Qui-Gon reached down and picked something out of the grass.
"Isn't this your meditation stone, Obi-Wan?" he asked, holding the object out in the palm of his hand for inspection.
Half-heartedly, the Padawan turned his head and glanced at the small crystal, his breath escaping him in a soft sigh of dismay, then he drew his legs up and rested his forehead on his knees. "Yes, Master," he replied, his eyes flickering shut briefly as he fought intense fatigue.
He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder and lifted his head to meet Qui-Gon's concerned gaze. "Obi-Wan, what happened to it?"
Obi-Wan looked at the proffered crystal again before reluctantly picking it up, taking in the ugly, branching cracks that marred its once beautiful surface and the dark, cloudy patches beneath the scratches, spreading from the charred black sphere in the stone's centre. The sight of the ruined stone aroused his earlier grief and he was suddenly embarrassed to find that tears were stinging his eyes; in vain, he tried to blink them away but his efforts only served to flush them onto his cheeks.
His reaction surprised Qui-Gon, who immediately shifted closer and pulled the younger Jedi into a reassuring embrace, resting his cheek against the boy's hair as Obi-Wan slumped in his arms and wept silently. "Shhh…it's all right, I'm here," he soothed, rocking slightly. "We can talk when you're ready."
The comfort of having Qui-Gon's support and infinite patience reminded Obi-Wan that just the fact that his Master had survived the Dareelans' attack at all was something to be grateful for. Had Qui-Gon succumbed to his injuries and had Obi-Wan subsequently used the Lamari stone, seeking an escape from the pain such an event would have induced, there was no doubt in his mind that, without his Master's presence in the Force to ground him, he would have lost himself in the infinite medium of the Living Force and he too would have perished. Once again, the thought of almost losing Qui-Gon was overwhelming and he clung to the elder Jedi's robe in a kind of panic, suddenly returning his Master's embrace with savage intensity as though trying to convince himself that he wasn't a cruel hallucination but a living being.
"Thank you," Obi-Wan murmured, knowing that it would take some time for Qui-Gon to realise what his Padawan was thanking him for but finding a little peace in saying it. Thank you for saving me.
Utterly exhausted, he slipped into a drowsy stupor, still aware of his surroundings at a subconscious level, most significantly the subtle motion of his Master's breathing and the constant beat of the man's heart where his head lolled against Qui-Gon's chest. However, his drifting thoughts returned to his extraordinary experience, and he reflected that, while he had turned to the Lamari stone in the hope of finding the grace to cope with his emotions, he had instead found a wondrous new perception of the Force and what it represented.
Although he had lost that connection with the irreparable damage to the crystal and his sensitivity to the Living Force now seemed impaired in comparison, he knew he would carry the hard-won memory with him always, and perhaps he might not recall the incident with as much intensity, but the principal would remain. The Force was much more than a guide or companion, occasionally hinting at what the future might hold: it was an extension of himself and every living organism, a delicate yet immeasurably strong web of life which offered limitless support, even comfort, should he require it.
Also, the enigmatic liaison between his Master and the Living Force, which Obi-Wan had struggled so hard for so long to understand, now seemed clearer. How could one so aware of the creatures around him not react when he sensed the distress that would create such an imbalance, no matter how slight?
But most importantly was his insight into how intricate the bond between himself and his Master really was, an irrevocable connection through the Force that transcended any ties that either of them had with another, and from his perspective it had changed the whole focus of their relationship entirely. Now, they were no longer just close friends, and infinitely more than just Master and Apprentice: they were parent and child, despite the fact that neither had recognised this.
Abruptly, his thoughts were interrupted and he roused partially when he felt Qui-Gon cradling his head in a more secure position with one hand, and he became conscious of a gentle Force inflection urging sleep upon him, one that he was powerless to resist had he wished to. The deep, calming tones of his Master's voice reached him through the haze of weariness cocooning his mind and he finally allowed himself the peace that he had sought for what seemed an interminable length of time, slowly drifting out of consciousness to a last, passing thought…
Perhaps he had found that elusive grace after all.
The End