The Roles are Reversed
Nessie comforts Jacob during and after Billy's funeral.
It was yet another rainy day in Forks. The overcast, gloomy day seemed a perfect fit for the event that was happening at the Quileute Cemetery. A white tent was set up, shielding the occupants from the wrath of the impending thunderstorm.
I had just arrived, ignoring the open umbrella and running straight into Jacobs open arms. He buried his face in my neck, breathing in my scent. We stood there for what seemed like forever, just ignoring everyone else around us.
Billy had been like a third grandfather to me, always willing to offer up his wise words of wisdom, and his warm encouragements. He was part of my family and it hurt deeply that he was no longer with us. I like to think he's with his wife, Sara. From what I heard over the years she was an amazing woman. She gifted me with Jacob, how could she not be?
I rubbed his back soothingly, knowing that I would have to hold myself together. Normally he was the one comforting me. I knew the roles would be reversed for awhile, but I was okay with that. I loved him with all my heart. I only wished I could bear the burden of his pain, because if I had the choice I would do it in a second. "I love you, Nessie," his voice quivered.
"I love you too, Jacob. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something," I whispered in his ear.
"There is, Nessie. Just be with me. That's all I ever need. I will only ever need you," he put his arm around me and we took our seats in the front.
"You have me, Jacob. Always have and always will," I wrapped my hand around his, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles.
The actual ceremony begun and Jacob was starting to scare me. The spark that always seemed to be lit in his eyes was no longer there. It was replaced by darkness. His face looked strangely empty. Totally void of any emotion. His lips were pulled thin and he didn't say a word until it was his time to get up and say a few words.
He looked out at the large crowd that had gathered. Billy was well known and loved. There were a lot of people that wanted to show their respect. He took a deep breath before speaking, "My father was well loved by everyone. He was respected in the community and my family and I would really like to thank all of you for coming out on this stormy day for an occasion as horrible as this. To be honest, I really didn't want to say anything, but my sisters kind of forced me into it. Billy was a great man, and he would probably be pissed if he saw that we were all crying over him. He'd probably rather us crack open a beer, sit around a bonfire and tell stories about him. He would tell us to remember the good times, and not to dwell on his death. He would tell us that we were being stupid for shedding tears, because that's just the kind of person he was. So instead of droning on and on, I thought I would just say that we're all going to miss him, and of course we're going to take our time to mourn, but that we should remember that he'll always be here. He'll be with us in stories that we tell and in memories that we remember. So as long as we stick together there's really no way we can forget him," he finished by nodding his head. There was a light applause, but mostly everyone just cried harder.
He took his seat back next to me, the cold look returning. I knew it was just an act though. He was trying to act calm on the outside, but he would crack tonight, and I knew I couldn't leave him alone. The funeral progressed and I just wished it would be over. I couldn't take listening to the sobs of loved ones, and I didn't want to have to look at Jacob's dead eyes anymore.
It was finally time to lower the casket. All of the men in the pack gripped it tight, and Rachel and Rebecca moved to sit by me, both sobbing uncontrollably. Both who had husbands and families whispered in my ear to take care of Jacob and I promised them that I would.
They stood as Jacob sat and leaned his forehead on my shoulder. I leaned my cheek on his cropped black hair projecting him memories of Billy. Some were of my own personal accounts with him, but I showed him mostly times that I watched the two of them interact. When I finished he just whispered his thanks.
"Jake, I'm just going to say goodbye to my parents. I'll be back in one minute," I said skeptical to leave him alone.
"You're going to come home with me?" He asked, surprise lighting up his voice.
"Of course I am," I said touching his cheek in a silent 'I love you.'
I stood and tried to focus my attention on the click of my heels instead of the sniffles of people gathered. I reached them at the back of the tent and ran into their open arms, pulling back quickly. "I'm going to spend the night at Jake's. He shouldn't be alone tonight."
They both shook their heads and I kissed them each on the cheek before rushing back over to Jake. "I want to go," he said before I could even sit. "I can't take this anymore." He stood and grabbed my hand kissing it lightly. We said quick goodbyes to everyone before leaving. I climbed in his pick-up silently. "Do you want to go home to get clothes?"
I thought about how half of his closet was filled with my clothes and shoes, "No, I have plenty of stuff at your house." We didn't speak again until we got home, when he declared he was going in the shower. Then when he came out he told me I could go in and I washed my hair quickly, not wanting to leave him alone too long. I came out and dressed in gray sweatpants, with a white tank top and a canary yellow cardigan over top.
He was already sitting on his bed when I entered and he looked at me like a broken man. I walked over quickly wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his forehead. He was sitting and I was standing, so he grabbed my hips holding me in place. "What can I do?" I whispered urgently.
"Just stay. That's all I need."
I sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard pulling him back against my breast. My mother and aunts had held my like this many times when I was so upset and it just felt like a motherly instinct. That's when he let go of the tough facade and finally broke down. He burst into heart breaking, body shaking sobs. I kissed his head rubbing his back soothingly. "It's okay, Jake. Let it out. I'm not going to tell you to stop," I whispered in his ear. I knew if he didn't cry he would never have any true closure. "Jacob my love, it's okay. It's all going to be okay."
After hours of crying, and sobbing and whispered I love you's his eyes closed. I brushed the tears from his eyelids closing mine gently.
I woke up in a fright. It took my eyes a second to adjust to the darkness, but when they did I found the clock on the wall and blinked blearily when I realized it was two in the morning.
I had originally woke up from Jake's insane body heat being gone, but I suddenly got worried. It wasn't like him to get out of bed in the middle of the night. I put my bare feet on the carpeted floor and peeked my head out the door, "Jake?" I called to no answer. I tip-toed to the kitchen only to find a note.
Nessie,
Went for a walk.
-Jake
A walk, I thought bewildered to myself as I listened to the rain beat the roof. Where would he go? Then it hit me, I ran out the door into the pouring rain without even putting shoes on.
It was a short run through the woods to get to the cemetery and I automatically saw Jake's tall silhouette. I was drenched from head to toe, but I made my way over. He was standing at his father's head stone. I came up from behind him grabbing his hand. He jumped slightly, but a as soon as my skin hit his I showed him how worried I was. He shook his head, "I'm sorry. I just had to say one last goodbye."
I shook my head in understanding. I stood next to him, the rain still coming down hard. "Should we say a few words?" I asked.
"That would be nice," he said, voice cracking.
I kneeled down in the mud, and Jake followed suit. "Billy," I began as if I were talking to an old friend. "Everyone really misses you already. I'm trying to take Jake's advice and not dwell on the past. It helps to think about you, and the amazing things you did for me. You treated me like another daughter and I will never truly be able to show my gratitude. I also want to thank you. You raised an amazing son. I promise I'll take care of him through this tough time and I also want to tell you that I love you and always will. A piece of my heart will always belong to you." I looked towards Jake.
"Dad," he started. "Like Nessie said, everyone already misses you. I'm trying to stay strong, but it's tough. As you know, Nessie is an amazing girl. She's stuck by my side the whole time and she has used her gift several times to show me memories of you. You don't have to worry about me. As painful as it is to think about so soon after, it also helps, because I have realized that you lived a very full and rich life. You married the love of your life and raise three children. I hope that one day I will be as amazing a father as you were. I know you're watching right now, tell mom that I love her. It sucks that she never got to meet Nessie. They would've gotten along. So this is goodbye... Kind of. I will never forget you or the things you have done for me. So I just wanted to say that I love you and thanks for everything." He finished standing up and picking me up with him. "Let's go home."