Title: A Cephalopod Crime Wave
Fandom: Death in Paradise/An Octopus Stole my Camera and Swam Off With It Whilst It Was Filming!
Rating: T
Category: Humour, Richard/Camille, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Silliness
Summary: The latest crime report leaves Richard wondering if he is actually dreaming…
A/N When I saw A03 had a fandom for the youtube video "An Octopus Stole my Camera and Swam off with It Whilst It Was Filming!" I knew there would have to be crossover fanfic! You might want to watch that, and also the one with the octopus and a coconut, which helped inspire this story. There are 2 chapters. Warning for use of swear words in this chapter.
"I NEED TO REPORT A THEFT!"
Richard's initial reaction to the loud statement from the front of the station was request the individual use his indoor voice, but he had enough training to realise that probably wasn't the most professional response. Normally thefts would be dealt with by Dwayne or Fidel, but both were out on patrol. Camille was here with him, but he had seen her physically flinch at the half shout and he remembered her popping some pills earlier. She'd been subdued all morning, probably not feeling her best, and he decided to be a gentlemen and deal with the issue himself.
Richard stood up and called the man over, "Perhaps you could sit down and provide me with a few details?" The man practically threw himself into the chair, clearly enraged. Richard was about to introduce himself and ask his name, but was cut off by the gentlemen launching into a rant.
"It's an outrage really! Nobody warned us, there should have been warnings! The vacation is ruined now, ruined! I should take the tour company to court, that is what I should do, and it's not just about the camera – what about the trauma I endured at having it stolen?"
Right, well, that did answer one of the questions Richard would have asked. Behind the irate gentlemen, Camille was shooting Richard a sympathetic look. He also detected a little warning in it though, as if she was reminding him to try not to lose his temper. In the minute since the victim had arrived, the chances of that event occurring had been increasing exponentially.
"Well, I'm sorry for the disruption to your holiday…"
"DISRUPTION? It's more than a mere disruption! I said it was RUINED!" The man banged Richard's desk with a fist to emphasise his point.
"I'm sorry, Mr..?"
"Magnusson, Roger Magnusson."
"Right, Mr Magnusson, was it just the camera that was stolen?" Richard asked, pen poised. He was hoping to get this over and done with as soon as possible, because unless the man calmed down very soon it was clearly not going to be a pleasant experience.
"Well, yes, but it wasn't just any old camera. This was an Olympus TG-2 Camera fully kitted out with underwater casing, strobe and backscatter flex arm!" Magnusson informed him, with a hint of pride.
Of course, it meant very little to Richard, "So, the estimated value would be…?"
"Don't you know?" Magnusson asked disbelievingly. Richard really didn't think knowing such a thing was in his job description, though Magnusson seemed to think it should be.
"I'm afraid I don't keep abreast of the details of camera equipment values," he explained, with what he thought was remarkable patience.
"Well the whole set up costs well over a grand!"
"And where did the theft take place?"
"At the marine reserve, whilst I was diving," Magnusson told him. His volume had reduced slightly, probably because he was satisfied he was being paid attention to.
"Ah, so where exactly had you left the camera when you were diving?" Richard was concerned this wouldn't actually be a theft case. If Mr Magnusson had left his camera unsecured then Richard could only accept it as a lost property report. He didn't relish the idea of telling the victim that though, he imagined the argument that followed would be pretty vehement.
"No, it was stolen from me whilst I was diving!" Magnusson huffed. "Bloody thief snatched it whilst I was taking a photo and swam off with it!"
This announcement caused Richard to perk up a little, he had never had a diving thief before! "Really?" He asked, refraining from sounding too keen. "They were a very good swimmer then?"
"Well the bastards have evolved to be, haven't they?" Camille had looked up sharply at that, whilst Richard tried to figure out if it was racist if it was sort of a compliment. From what he had seen of this bloke, him being the sort of man who started sentences with 'I'm not racist, but…' would not come as a surprise.
"I'm…I'm not sure what you mean by that, Sir?" Richard asked.
Magnusson rolled his eyes, "Well an octopus is always going to outswim a human, isn't it?"
There was a moment of silence, which was then broken as Camille suffered a sudden fit of giggles which she desperately tried to cover with a coughing fit. It didn't seem to entirely convince Mr Magnusson though, who turned around to glare at her.
"This is serious!" He said as he turned back to Richard. "The octopus planned the crime!"
Richard thought he might have misheard it, but the fact Camille was physically biting down on her hand to prevent herself from laughing rather confirmed his fears that the man had just implied the theft of his camera, by an octopus, was premeditated. "You, uh, think the octopus is, um, I mean – you think the octopus stole your camera on purpose?"
"Well of course I do!" The tone used rather implied any other theory would be preposterous. "He was hidden underneath a coconut shell, and then before I knew it the blasted thing leapt out from under it, wrapped its tentacles' around my camera and tore it from my grasp!"
"Well, I mean…" Richard began, but Magnusson hadn't finished.
"I was trying to take pictures of the pretty fish and shit, I wasn't bothering the stupid thing, so clearly it deliberately targeted me! It had to be intentional, I mean octopi don't normally go around stealing cameras do they?"
"Octopuses," Richard said automatically. He decided he could ignore the swearing, but the use of an incorrect plural was unacceptable. Magnusson raised both eyebrows. "The plural of octopus is actually generally accepted to be octopuses." Before Magnusson could tell him he didn't give a flying monkey's (though likely using slightly stronger terms) about plurals, Richard ploughed on. "And actually, octopuses are very intelligent animals – possibly the most intelligent of all of the invertebrates. They're able to use tools, and the octopus in question had probably just commandeered the coconut shell in order to create a safe place for itself to shelter."
"I'm telling you this octopus meant to steal my camera! It is a criminal octopus!" And Mr Magnusson was back to his original volume.
"Mr Magnusson, I really doubt that, and I am afraid the laws on theft do not extent to animals. I'd be happy to provide you with a lost property number for your insurance but I am not sure what else you really expect me to do?"
"You should put together some sort of team to hunt it down!"
"I'm afraid our resources are better spent on catching actual criminals, not curious octopuses," Richard said firmly, no longer bothering to hide his annoyance.
Magnusson was not willing to give up the fight just yet. "Well you said they were really intelligent! Maybe somebody has trained the octopus to steal cameras off divers?"
Richard suppressed his sigh. "I assure you Sir, that if we do find ourselves in the midst of a cephalopod crime wave, we will investigate that possibility. But until such time, a lost property number really is all I can provide you with."
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" Magnusson stood with such force his chair tipped over. "I will be talking to your superior, rest assured!" He then promptly turned and stormed out of the building.
Another silence followed, eventually broken by Camille simply saying, "Oh my God."
"I am awake, right?" Richard asked her seriously. "This isn't some sort of dream?"
"Oh yes," Camille said, with a hint of glee. "You are very much awake and that really did happen."
"I thought so," he said with a little sigh. "You'd be dressed differently if this were a dream." He cringed in embarrassment as soon as the words left his mouth, knowing they were exactly the wrong thing to say. A quick glance at Camille revealed her giving him a rather coquettish look, so he hurried to add, "Everyone in my dreams always seems to be in formal wear!"
"Really?" She asked, sounding like she didn't quite believe him. It was actually true though, some weird quirk of his subconscious. "And do I have good dress sense in your dreams? Or am I wearing some sort of poufy monstrosity?"
"Your dress choices are impeccable," he said quickly and then hurried to change the topic. "Sadly Mr Magnusson didn't leave me any contact details, so I guess he doesn't want this lost property number. Though he may provide his details to the Commissioner."
"You aren't worried about him complaining?" Camille questioned.
"I believe in this instance the Commissioner may have a similar opinion to me." Or at least, Richard hoped that was the case.
"He was quite a rude man," Camille agreed. Though Richard couldn't help but remember there was a time she would have said the same about him. "Though it was quite funny. I was feeling a bit rough this morning but this has made me so much better, laughter is the best medicine!"
"I tell you what, if I ever meet the octopus who stole his camera I'll shake his…well, tentacle."
Camille brightened further at this comment, "We could go diving at the marine reserve!" She suggested enthusiastically. "They have beginners' courses!"
"No," he said simply.
"But, I thought you liked octopuses! You seem to know a lot about them!" She protested.
"Yes, butI don't like them enough to be willing to actually get in the water with them and the many more spinier, bite-y creatures that live in the water with them," he informed her. Camille pouted, but he just ignored her.
"Oh!" She exclaimed excitedly, and Richard prepared himself for another distasteful suggestion. "The marine reserve have just started glass bottomed boat rides, we could go on one of those!"
"I think might leave that to the tourists, Camille…"
"But you've seen so little of the island you practically are a tourist! And the guys at the reserve are really knowledgeable, I bet you'd learn loads." She argued. "Plus I'm local and I'd still like to go. I mean, you aren't going to make me go on my own, are you?"
Richard was pretty certain Camille would cope admirably on her own, in fact she would probably make loads of new friends before the ride was over. But he also knew she would be unwilling to take no for an answer, and the truth was it didn't sound exactly terrible – it might even be nice. And it would be nothing to do with the fact it meant spending time in her company, and was of course entirely about the learning opportunity.
"I suppose," he said, trying to sound like it was all some great sacrifice.
"Excellent, we'll go this weekend!"