Part Three
Torn Apart
Sully, please don't go, I wanted to cry out. This doesn't have to end this way. Only I couldn't muster up the courage to speak, dejectedly watched him leave. I was crushed, heartbroken, filled with so many other emotions I couldn't put into words. Tears that I'd held in for so long were falling down my cheeks. As muddled as things were, I feared I had caused even more harm.
"Michaela," David called out softly. "Yes." I looked up at him as tears threatened to fall. "I apologize for all the trouble I've caused." I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault although that was not entirely true. "You're happy here, and I didn't want to disrupt that." I stared down at my folded hands. "I am happy here in Colorado Springs," I agreed without looking up. "This is where my heart is now." He gripped my hand in that familiar way before getting up and leaving without saying a word.
I wasn't sure how long I sat there staring at the walls before I got up and went outside to get some fresh air. Watching Sully leave had nearly tore me apart. The one person I could always count on had left me to my thoughts. After all these years, I wanted to spend some time with David; he owed me that much, didn't he? Sully was the man I was to marry—well I owed David an answer, too. What was I going to do?
I was appalled at having been deceived all these years into thinking he was dead. He had no idea what he'd put me through-I had loved him so much. When I heard he had died, I wanted to die with him. My thoughts traveled for a moment back to Sully, a man of his word, who never deceived me, the one my heart felt it really belonged to. Only everything seemed to be turned upside down.
Colleen's comment to me was the most unnerving; being engaged to two men was a little frightening. I loved both of them equally, or so I wanted to believe. Deep down I knew that wasn't true at all, and fooling myself wasn't the answer either. Dorothy and Sully told me David was a memory, one that I still held onto. Those days were some of the happiest of my life. I smiled as that time flashed through my mind. We had spent many hours together doing rounds at the hospital, talking about our cases. I also remembered the times we spent along the river Charles. Perhaps a part of me did want to be young again; however, Sully's words came back to me. My younger days were never to return.
I looked up at the stars in the sky, noticing how brightly they were shinning. They were beautiful, nothing like what I had seen in Boston. My first night in the wilderness had been spent in a teepee, with a man I barely knew, and I was too distracted to notice the stars above. It seemed the times I could look, I was staring into the eyes of the one I love instead.
Dear God, Please help me get through this difficult time. It pains me that I've hurt the one man I truly love. I want just a little more time to decide on my future, I prayed silently to the heavens before turning to go back inside.
The children had turned in for the night by the time I made my way to bed. As emotional as I was, I welcomed sleep. I tucked myself beneath the quilt, closed my eyes, and hopped I might slip into a peaceful dream.
I arrived at the clinic early the next morning, hoping that immersion in work and the familiar routine of seeing patients would take my mind off my perplexity. As I dismounted, I was surprised to notice Sully and David out in the meadow walking towards the woods. After last night, I wondered how those two could stand each other's company. I remembered Sully's promise to David about showing him the blue heron down by the creek. Even in anger, he was a man of his word.
"Michaela, how are things?" Dorothy asked, startling me from my thoughts. "Oh, Dorothy, I'm sorry I didn't see you."
"It's alright. You seem distracted." I was, she was quick to notice. Just the other day we had talked; now it seemed she was checking up on me. "I was admiring the meadow," I replied. I wasn't sure I was ready to tell her what I had seen, at least not yet. "I was thinking it might be a pretty spot to have a wedding."
"It would," she said. "But that ain't all that's on your mind." I glanced at my friend and nodded. She was right, and it was a relief I didn't have to explain everything, just invite her inside for a moment so we could talk. I told her how painful it had been to watch Sully leave in anger after fighting with David. "I felt as if my world had fallen apart without any way to repair it."
"That must have been awful to witness," she said as I nodded in agreement. This was just as frightening as admitting to Hank that something in me was frozen. I feel passion, love, and pain as a woman, and as a doctor. In matters of love though, I'm too afraid of what might happen. Will David understand if I don't marry him? How can I win Sully back? A million thoughts were running through my head. I wanted to be brave and tell each of them how I felt.
"When I'm with David, all those lost dreams come back. The ones I held onto when I was younger, living in Boston, working alongside him as doctor. Yet Sully stirs something inside of me so powerful it scares me. I can't imagine my life without him."
Dorothy gave me a long look before smiling, "I think you know the answer to your question already. Maybe you don't see it yet, but I do." I wanted to know how she knew, when everything inside me was swirling around. "You'll get through this," she added before leaving.
I tried to focus on research. It felt like I was looking for answers in my medical texts, only I knew they weren't going to help. They don't teach you in medical school how to heal emotions. I was grateful for the patients that came to see me—they gave me a sort of normalcy, although each time one knocked, my heart beat faster when I considered who might be on the other side.
Just when I thought I might have some peace, Robert E rushed in with Grace who had an eye injury from a canning jar having exploded. She was screaming, covering her eyes, and in such agony it cut right through me. I knew David was great with eyes and was her best chance. Putting the pain I'd caused aside, I asked for him. I didn't trust myself to perform the procedure, it was too risky.
I nearly breathed a sigh of relief when he arrived, grateful to have someone who had experience with this procedure. As he worked, I watched his every move. He was just as skilled as he was all those years ago, only something was missing in me. After seven years, I'd lost the thrill of working alongside him although I still felt I would always love him somehow.
I held him close to me, not wanting to let go. It still pained me that I'd hurt him. A sense of relief coursed through me at seeing him in a state of calm rather than anger. I wanted him to stay, but we parted and he disappeared into the night. Not wanting to let him out of my sight, I stood there until I couldn't see him anymore. His words had touched me so much, I loved him more than anything. How could I go back to a past, when I have such a bright future? I thought as I drew water Colleen would need for cooking.
The children were quiet when I stepped inside, each busy with something. I walked over to the stove with the bucket of water. Taking a deep breath, I started off by telling them how fond of Sully I knew they were. I had planned to continue, until Colleen cut in. "Sully told us to be fair," she said and continued to share with me what Sully had told them. I hadn't stopped to think that I was making a lifelong decision for me, not for my children. They deserved a loving father, a real family. Whomever I chose, I would be spending the rest of my life with, while my children would soon move on with their lives, making their own families.
"We want ya to be happy, Ma," Brian added, making me smile inside. I had been blessed with wonderful children. "What's David like?" I thought about that a moment before answering. "He's an honest man, respectable," I paused, unsure what to add. All I could think of were the days gone by when we were both so young and in love. After seven years, there were many things I didn't know about him; we had both changed. I was still a doctor; he had learned how to draw and study plants. I was still picturing him as the David of long ago, not the present.
"Be happy with your choice," said Matthew interrupting my thoughts. "I'm lucky to have found Ingrid. Her love fills me in ways I can't put into words." I felt that way about David when I was young, I thought. Now it's Sully who fills me with love and joy. "Thank you, Matthew."
"I want to be up there with you on your special day, with the man of your choosing," Colleen said speaking in hushed tones. I gave her a hug. "Of course," I whispered back.
We continued our conversation over dinner, speaking of Sully, David, and various happenings in town. I had been so caught up in my own drama that I'd missed out. Matthew and Jon worked hard at mending fences for Miss Olive, each saving the money he earned, one for a wedding and the other for future plans. Jon would be gaining freedom when Ingrid married. Brian had picked up some odd jobs at the store, and Colleen was already dreaming of my wedding. I missed having Sully there to add to the conversation. He always listened so well and gave the children great advice. Dinner wasn't the same without him. I was grateful for the company of the children, being able to chat with them freely. By dinner's end, I knew in my own mind what I had to do.
David wasn't the same man I knew before the war. He'd changed more over the years than I would have expected. His return had caused such a shock; I wasn't sure what had hit me. Sully wouldn't still be here if it hadn't been for meeting me and falling in love. His love filled me in so many ways; there were no words to describe them. If there were trouble, he was there. The memories of his coming all the way to Boston and then later rescuing me from dog soldiers came flooding back. Sully was the man I loved with all my heart, the one I wanted to marry, not David. In the morning I would find a way to let David go and pray I hadn't lost Sully. What had been torn apart, I would mend with my love for him. With my decision made, contentment enveloped my being in a welcome peaceful slumber.