ALT UNLTD: Buccaneer Britain, "In Slow Clays"
Ross Horton dreamed.
It was a dream of self-propelled carriages and metal horses which ran on wheels, of hand-held muskets which could fire repeatedly without being reloaded, and of music amplified to throb through the body.
From the depths of an inferno, it did not go unnoticed. A demonic shaper of worlds set his hands to remoulding Horton's reality slowly, with firm hands, as if it were made of clay. In Ross Horton's mind's ear he heard a silent voice. "Nice day for somethin'."
Some dreams can come true.
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Bartholomew Teach closed the door to the Captain's cabin, and removed his helm. The stresses of the day had borne down heavily on his shoulders, and as he lay down to sleep he flashed back to the haunting day he'd taken on the role of Buccaneer Britain.
They were simple explorers then: Reed, the great friend of his youth and a devoted man of science, yet as devoted to adventure as Bart himself; Sue, Reed's lover, whom Bart had longed for, though he eventually ceded the right to her hand to Reed; Johnny, Sue's younger brother, impetuous and hotheaded; Meggan, freakishly scarred by the disasters which had befallen her Gypsy village when it had fallen under siege; Kurt, ever laughing and probably the most agile swordsman of the lot, though Bart's superior physical strength always gave him the edge; and Kitty, the youngest of them, always trying to prove herself their equal, and passionately devoted to following in Reed's path as a scientist.
They were on the trail of a treasure apparently hidden by the enigmatically named 'S-people.' They had taken their ship, the Concord, across the straits of Eastern Europe, before tracking down the island not far from the coast of Latveria. Had they known then that the 'S-people' were in fact the alien Skrulls, who returned later so often to bedevil them, they'd perhaps have left this enigma unexplored.
They followed their stolen map to a system of caves, and split up. He'd been the one to find the chest, and summoned the others even as he smashed the lock. He'd been disappointed to find it contained nothing but some inexplicable technological device. As his crew arrived, he'd begun to turn around, intending to hand the device over to Reed, when it exploded.
The others were irradiated with massive amounts of what Reed later dubbed 'cosmic rays.' His entire crew acquired fantastic abilities, and Meggan and Kurt each underwent strange physical transformations: the first was healed and became an extraordinary beauty whom he later took for his own, the second became freakish and almost demonic in appearance.
Catching the brunt of the explosion, he died.
All that was left was a rag, a bone, a hank of hair. He found himself revived in the mystic realm of Avalon, under the care of the sorcerous Merlin and his daughter, Roma. They offered him a new life, in exchange for which he would surrender his freedom and enter into Queen Anne's service. He was promised there would still be adventures enough to satisfy even his unquenchable thirst for it, and whatever forces guided the fate of the realm had proven them right.
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From the deck of the Concord, Bart narrowed his eyes. "They ought to have been back by now."
Reed extended his neck, periscope-like, and peered at the dock. "Sue's abilities only complement her naturally circumspect nature," he said. "And while Kurt is more egregious, we are not too distant for him to instantaneously transport had they encountered any difficulties."
"New Amsterdam is known for its troubles," Bart said, "but those explosions didn't look like fireworks ... or musket fire. I should never have sent Sue in to take a look around."
Johnny comes up from behind, having overheard the conversation. "If my sister's in danger, we're heading out there. Now." His fists clenched, flames bursting from them as they expressed his inner tension.
"I think you're right, boy. Meggan and Kitty will come along. Sail sync low; let's go see what there is to see."
Above, a raven caws ills yon.
Minutes later Bart, Johnny, and Meggan took to the air, the first carrying Reed along with him, the last carrying Kitty. Soon after, Buccaneer Britain and his crew arrived on port. Kitty wrinkled her nose. "Do you smell that?"
Meggan snarled, deep in her throat. "This whole city is being poisoned. Who would choose to live like this?"
"I'd assumed the city was under fog," Reed replied, "I'd not thought to examine it closely. The air reeks of the output of internal combustion engines. But who would create one of such size that it could blanket a city?"
"A lot of questions with no answers," Bart mused. He looked around. "The docks are deserted. We won't find answers to any of our questions by standing here. It's time to head on in."
Reed extended his neck to circle around the party. "Johnny, Meggan, stay grounded ... for all we know this is some ploy of Otto von Doom's to draw us out ... let's not draw attention to ourselves more than necessary." He retracted himself to normal human proportions, and set his gaze towards the city, prepared to follow Bart's lead.
As the quintet strode through the city blocks, they fought to conceal their shock at the transformation of the city ... and their realisation that their attempts to remain inconspicuous were so doomed to failure. The very streets had changed, cobblestones abruptly smoothed out and replaced by some black tarry substance which had dried to solidity, each one marked down the center with some combination of painted lines or dashes. Most of the buildings had had much of their ornamentation chipped off, appearing bare and utilitarian, though some of them were marked with garish advertisements. The people were wearing oddly fashioned clothes which clung to their bodies, and the women were clad almost identically to the men, save that many of them wore variants which were actually more revealing, rather than expressing natural female modesty. And the source of the reeking fog soon became clear, as the streets were filled with four-wheeled or two-wheeled self-propelling vehicles which traveled at immense speeds, each of which seemed to belch smoke from its rear.
Kitty gripped Johnny's arm tightly, her voice a hoarse whisper, "What's happened to this place?"
"I can't imagine," he replied. "Reed ... could this be a ploy of von Doom's, like you said?"
"This transconfiguration seems beyond even his capabilities," Reed said. "Although he and other of our nemeses have been known to cast illusions which rival this insane reality. But the meaning of it, and what he would attempt to gain by such a subterfuge, is beyond my ken."
As if in answer to their questions, the horizon filled with a hideous roar; vehicles and pedestrians hurried out of the way to make room for a gang of men riding two-wheeled vehicles, of a larger and louder fashion than the ones the crew had witnessed so far. At their head was a man with wild red hair, a small mustache, and a monocle over one eye. The gang began to circle around Bart's crew, creating a zone both noisy and noisome.
Bart drew his sword, and hesitated only when he felt Reed's hand on his arm. Following the direction of his friend's gaze, his eyes picked out two of the bikers for the first time: a blonde woman clad in a crassly revealing leather garment, black cape sweeping behind her, and a young man whose face was covered with fine blue fur, his ears pointed and his lips curled into a wicked grin. "Sue? Kurt?"
The monocled man slid to a halt before them, leaning back against his vehicle. "They call me the Highwayman, and these are my Hog Riding Fools. We don't need pirates competing on our turf. I suggest you lot clear out of here."
"You've got two members of my crew on your ... hogs." Bart shook off the momentary bemusement at the term. "We're not leaving here without them." It was clear that whatever effect had altered the state of the city has altered them as well, in unknown ways. He gathered that most of the citizenry they'd passed had had their minds similarly altered to accommodate their new surroundings; had Sue and Kurt succumbed as part of a deliberate trap, or through simple misfortune?
"If you want to talk to a couple of my gang on your way out ... go ahead ... but nobody's leaving with you." He chuckled, "When you're with the Highwayman, you're with him all the way."
Reed approached the blonde woman. "Sue? What has transpired to bring you here?"
The woman tilted her head down to peer up at Reed in an almost flirtatious manner. "They call me Star-Eyed Stella 'round here, slim. I've been with the Highwayman since the beginning." Her eyes sparkled with the touch of madness.
Meggan glanced in silent appeal to Bart, and he nodded his assent. She approached the blue-furred man, who leaned back on his cycle and reached down into a saddlebag to pull out a can of Tree Frog Beer. "Guten tag, fraulein," he said with an open leer. "Now is when you're going to approach Club Choad Charley and call him by a false name to convince him to come with you, nicht war?"
Meggan's mouth fell open, temporarily lost for words.
Johnny's hands sparked and flickered, as he watched with increasing tension. His sister, indecently clad, and the young man who'd long been one of his closest friends, in bewildering conversation with two of his teammates.
Bart's peripheral vision caught the glimmer of flame. "Johnny, calm yourself down. You won't help things by getting all hotheaded."
One of the Hog Riding Fools smirked at the overheard conversation. "That's right, Johnny, calm yourself down. Don't worry, the Highwayman shares, I'm sure Star-Eyed Stella would spread for a pretty young boy like you."
"What ... she ... you ... " Johnny's eyes flared, a ball of flame bursting out and rolling across the air towards the biker, who ducked out of the way with a howl.
Kitty shrieked.
Bart whirled around to face his teammate. "Stand down!" he shouted.
The Highwayman snarled, "I let you pirates pass through my turf, and this is what you do?" He pulled out a length of chain, and swung it outwards at Johnny. The latter felt a light touch on his arm as Kitty rendered the pair of them intangible, so the chain passed through them harmlessly.
Bart's hand strayed to the amulet around his neck, and in an instant his garb transformed into the uniform of Buccaneer Britain.
At the moment of his transformation, the others took it as their cue, backing into a circle. As one they drew their swords, Johnny's made of living flame. Meggan's expression was helpless as she dropped her futile conversation with Charley and soared into the air, hovering above the others. Reed furrowed his brow, unwilling to abandon his wife. "Profuse apologies, Stella," he said as he extended his body, wrapping around her like a cocoon and sliding over to his crewmates.
"Slay cowls in ... " the Highwayman shouted. The rest of the Hog Riding Fools revved their engines almost simultaneously with the Highwayman's interrupted summons. Seeing Meggan's ascent, several of them bounced their motorcycles into the air, and then accelerated towards her. She screamed in surprise, whirling in the air as she was caught by their backdrafts. Johnny cursed, and rocketed into the sky to join her.
Bart looked up. He hated to divide his forces and wanted to defend his lady, but knew that would leave Reed and Kitty underdefended, though both were capable of being quite deadly when the need arose.
Stella swung at Reed in a fury, and he recoiled from her crushing blow to his jaw as she augmented her fist with a pair of invisible brass knuckles. He realised that whatever mental transformation had occurred, his wife still possessed her powers. He felt the sting of an invisible switchblade, and quickly looped one arm around her wrists to secure her in place.
Kitty stepped into the circle of riders. She allowed them to pass through her intangible body, while her needle-like sword remained solid and wrecked havoc amongst the Hog Riding Fools, using their momentum to pierce them as they rode by her.
Meggan's sword flashed in and out among her opponents, as she sought an avenue of attack among the soaring machines. She heard a sound behind her and smelt brimstone, turning to see Club Choad Charley placing his hands on her. He began to take her through a series of quick teleports, each one like a blow to her body.
The remaining bikers who had taken to the air focused their attentions on Johnny. He backed away, drawing them closer. When they surrounded him, he ducked a swinging chain and extended his sword into a flaming lance, piercing through their vehicles in a single sweep. Ignorant of the mechanisms of internal combustion engines, he was caught by surprise by the resulting multi-part explosion which showered him with rocketing shards of metal. His fire extinguished, he tumbled to earth.
The Highwayman's ride was interrupted when Buccaneer Britain stepped into his path. "Is that change of clothes supposed to impress me," the biker enquired, as he raced towards his opponent, firing twin laser beams mounted in the headlights of his cycle. The beams dissipated against Buccaneer Britain's force field, and he managed to knock the Highwayman off his cycle, relentlessly hammering at him with diamond-hard fists. The Highwayman rallied, kicking his opponent across the face then detaching three of the studs from his leather jacket and throwing them; they exploded like miniature grenades and knocked Buccaneer Britain through a crash barrier at the side of the road.
Meggan used her superior strength to break free of Charley's grip. He wrapped his tail around her ankle, using it to swing himself up and began a series of quick short-distance teleports to allow him to remain level with her in mid-air. His sword drawn, he began a series of lightning-quick attacks which Meggan desperately blocked. Whatever had happened to change his identity, it had done nothing to affect his fighting skills. She attempted drawing on the latent energy of the local environment so as to adapt to the strange sub-world they'd found themselves in, as well increasing her strength so as to prove a challenge to her opponent. She found her hyper-natural senses blocked by a wall of demonic fire, and the heat from it singed her soul even as she felt cold steel pierce through her heart.
Buccaneer Britain heard his lover's cry, and leapt to the air in time to catch her body as she fell. Charley teleported before him, sword at the ready to taunt the other, but his opponent roared in fury, sword swinging full strength towards him. "Ach du lieber...!" he muttered as his sword shattered, the sentence never completed as his head severed from his shoulders.
As he dropped to the ground, sword wrecking carnage among the remaining bikers, his actions had unforeseen consequences as Charley's decapitated head fell downward, passing through Kitty's body. She gasped, "Fuzzy elf?" the surprise driving her tangible for the brief second it took one of the biker's swinging chain to crash into the back of her skull.
Reed abandoned his attempts with Stella, releasing her like a top so that she whirled around dizzily while he bounded over to lend his sword to Buccaneer Britain's own. The Highwayman road over, scooping up his erstwhile companion. She steadied herself, and as the two of them conversed she glared at the remaining pirates angrily. "Sally, sic now!" he snarled, and without another word she remounted her own cycle, riding it into Reed with a cry like a valkyrie.
The Highwayman started to race around Buccaneer Britain, striking him from all sides with his chain. The hero pirate took the beating as best he could, then thrust his sword into the motorbike's spokes, causing the Highwayman to skid out of control and smash his vehicle to pieces against the side of a building. The pirate leapt on the biker, only to fall prey to a stun blast from the latter's monocle. The Highwayman struck his opponent repeatedly with the length of chain, the pirate's blood melding with that which already pooled in the city streets.
Star-Eyed Stella dismounted her cycle, and picked up the broken remains of her former opponent. Seeing his face thus seemed to alter something inside her, and she screamed in loss, clutching the body to her own. Through her tears she snarled at the Highwayman. "You ... this is all your fault!"
The Highwayman rose to his feet shakily, "Stella ... what ... " She arced towards him on an invisible slide, murder in her starry eyes. He felt himself buffeted by endless invisible spheres, but as she reached him he, knowing her ways, evaded her invisible sword and braced his chain up defensively, snapping her neck as she fell towards him.
The Highwayman looked around him. His boots and fists were stained with blood. Corpses of his men and the pirates littered the streets. The sole survivor howled his anguish to the heavens.
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"The ... the contest was to be between the pirates and the bikers ... the pirates didn't even have their full crew ... "
Thog smiled toothily. "It was sheer luck that two of the members were caught by my world moulding."
The Grandmaster turned a paler shade of blue. "But ... you cheated ... "
Thog shook his head. "Star-Eyed Stella and Club Choad Charley were clearly no longer members of the pirate crew when the two groups encountered one another. The contract specified Buccaneer Britain and his crew, to be opposed by a gang of bikers of my selection. That is precisely what occurred. Surely you must have expected that if you make a deal with a demon, the letter of the contract will be held to most rigorously. We demons value intellectual rigour. You will, I presume, hold to your end of the bargain?"
The Grandmaster nodded, wanly.
Thog smiled wider, and began to tug at the waistband of his checkered trousers. "Bend over then and sweep aside those robes, let's see those bony blue flanks of yours."
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And as the demon came to his fiery satisfaction, his hold on the city of New Amsterdam of Earth-4191 relaxed, restoring the reality of Ross Horton and Bartholomew Teach to its natural state.
It would remain in their minds only as a dream.
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The story contains elements from Fantastic Four #136 and Captain Britain Weekly #37, not to mention endless "pirates versus bikers" stories by the immeasurable S. Clay Wilson, an anagram of whose name provides the (admittedly awkward) title. Thanks to the Marvel Comics Appendix website for help in researching the characters and setting.