I got sick of all the fics where Sakura is the tomboy nerd, Syaoran is the popular hottie, and Meiling is the slutty bitch, so I decided to right a satire on this. Inspiration for this fic came from the author OverlyDramatic, whose Life With Derek fics are wonderful. OverlyDramatic wrote a satire on the cliche'd plot of the Dasey fanfics, so I thought of this. I admit that mine is nowhere near as good as hers.
Love hate relationships are really complicated, in fact any relationship is complex, so it is really hard to find a good fic these days. And just because you hate someone, it doesn't mean that you will fall in love with them.
Note: Please note that in no way I am bashing the SakuraxSyaoran pairing. In fact I myself am a very big fan of it. Also no offense to those authors who write plots like these. Think of this fic...as things to avoid writing about. This was solely written for the purpose of making people realize the cliche's that pop up so often. I am sincerely sorry if I really have offended someone by this, though they shouldn't get offended, because I am not addressing them directly.
Warning: Extremely long sentences that make you forget the beginning of them. Weird sense of humor.
Disclaimer: I don't own CCS. I wish I did, but I don't. Though I would buy Syaoran if he was on sale.
"...Talking..."
'...Thinking...'
RRRIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sakura gets up and bangs her alarm clock with a hammer until it stops ringing. Then she wakes up. The author decides to write this scene like this because he/she does not have any other creative ideas for how the fic should start. Then Sakura happens to look at the time on her broken alarm clock and notices that she will be extremely late if she doesn't get up that second.
"HOEEEEEEEEEEE!" she yells. But mostly because the author feels like making her do that.
"I'm gonna be late!" Thank you for telling us this, Sakura, because we'd have never known that you were going to be late if you hadn't declared it at the top of your lungs. And there was absolutely no way of knowing that you were naturally a tardy person just by watching the series of Cardcaptor Sakura.
Sakura then runs over to her bathroom, brushes her teeth, and takes a shower in a matter of milliseconds. Then she walks over to her dresser and picks out her clothes. The author does this because they want to show how nerdy/geeky Sakura is at the beginning of the fic, and then gets a total makeover and becomes a glam star and manages to snatch a guy at the end of the fic. The author also forgets/disregards the fact that a lot of schools in Japan require uniforms. So Sakura, our favorite nerdy main character, picks out a baggy T-shirt that many people wore in the 80s and really high waist baggy pants. How she got these clothes is a mystery so we will have to think that she used a time machine to go to the '80s and picked out her clothes from the cheapest thrift shop since usually shops have the most up-to-date clothing. Or we can imagine that Sakura hasn't been shopping for a while and her eight year old clothes still fit her sixteen year old body and manage to become baggy on her. Then she goes downstairs.
She gobbles up her breakfast gracefully and notices that her brother Touya was there. The author fails to notice that because Sakura woke up late, Touya would've already gone to college or work or whatever, leaving Sakura alone with her father. Touya then chooses that moment to comment on Sakura's monsterness and calls her a kaijuu.
"So the kaijuu comes downstairs at a time like this, even though I myself am not supposed to be here and am supposed to be at college/work/wherever."
Sakura gets mad and stomps on Touya's foot, causing him to howl in pain even though it was his fault he had poor reflexes and he could've moved his foot at the time of the attack. She then puts on her roller skates and skates to school as fast as lightning.
Surprisingly, Sakura isn't that late and no one has gone to their classes yet. When she gets there, the school grounds were bustling with the cliques of students on the first day of school. Of course, no one popular was Sakura's friend because she was a nerd and wore uncool clothes. She did, however, manage to make a couple of other nerd/geek friends. Sakura joins them and they compare their schedules. Sakura's closest best friend was Tomoyo Daidouji. And even though Tomoyo, according to popular belief, was planning on becoming a fashion designer, she still had nerdy clothes and was considered a geek/nerd. Somehow, miraculously, Sakura and Tomoyo had all of the same classes at the same exact time with each other (though Sakura might've chosen a different elective because she has different tastes than Tomoyo).
The bell rang, so all the students departed to their first period class. Sakura sat down in a seat next to Tomoyo's.
"Students, today we have a new student, even though it is the first day of school and many new students come in on the first day of school and don't need an introduction. But since this new student is special and rich and the male lead for this story, I will have to introduce him. Please welcome Li Syaoran in his first year here."
At this point all the females in the room, even the ones with boyfriends, notice that Syaoran is extremely hot and start drooling over him and his cool, modern, clothes and all the guys in the room glare at him because they now know that Syaoran will be getting 100 percent of the girls' attention. We can all tell that he will become popular in an instant because of this totally unrealistic reaction of the class.
Syaoran catches sight of a particular green eyed girl and smirks in her direction. Why he did this we do not know, so we are forced to assume that this boy just likes to smirk at random strangers. The whole female population of the class, however, thought that Syaoran smirking was very cool and started drooling again instead of thinking that smirking for no reason is weird.
"Please tell us a little about yourself." says the teacher.
Syaoran smirks again even though there is nothing to smirk about and proceeds to tell the class about unimportant things that have to do with himself. After he is done, the teacher decides to give him a seat.
"You can sit down behind Kinomoto Sakura because I know that you two will have the hots for each other. Kinomoto Sakura, please raise your hand."
Sakura raises her hand grudgingly and berates herself and her fate for having to sit next to a boy. Her tomboy instincts kick in and she starts thinking that all boys are weird, stupid, brainless, perverted, idiots. Sakura hates boys because she knows that they will give her cooties, and even though she is in high school, she still thinks that. And it is really convenient for Sakura to think about boys giving her cooties instead of the other way around. The author fails to realize once again that it is highly unnatural for girls (or the canon Sakura) in high school to hate boys with the exception of a few. Though Sakura hates all boys equally, she hates Syaoran the most, because her tomboyish instincts are telling her to hate him more.
The teacher dives into a boring lecture about whatever they are studying instead of telling them what they are going to cover this year like any normal teacher would.
During this boring lecture, popular, hot Syaoran picks on uncool, butt-ugly Sakura by pulling her hair and aiming spitballs at her. The teacher doesn't notice all this and continues with the boring lecture. Sakura endures this patiently like the goody two shoes she is. Then, when the bell rings, she gets extremely mad and starts yelling at Syaoran.
"Stop that you moron! I hate you! I hate you even though the cannon Sakura would've tried to make friends with you and asked what your problem was calmly, but in order to make this story more interesting, I am going to hate you instead of calmly ask you why you were acting like a total weirdo!"
Then Syaoran, with his questionable behaviour, gets a mood swing.
"You know what I hate you too! And I-" You already know what he is going to say next; his declaration of hate. So we don't need to waste time looking at these cliche'd dialogues.
They depart and go to their next class only to find out that they were in each others' classes and get pissed off even more.
Syaoran, then notices a slut wearing revealing clothes walking up to him in an attempt to flirt. We all notice that the supposed slut is Meiling. Oh, well, let's forget the fact that the author did a crappy job of making fictitious sluts of which one of them turned out to be Meiling. Who else is more fit for the role? Meiling, though she wasn't a slut, liked Syaoran in the first place but didn't end up with him, so let's use her to be the slut she wasn't! She flutters her long eyelashes as he takes time to study her face that looks as if she submerged it in makeup.
"Hey, Syaoran-kun, wanna go on a date with me? Even though I had no way of knowing who you are and you don't know me? You're really hot."
"Get away from me you bitch. I don't date sluts like you." The slut, obviously hurt, though we don't know why since there are hundreds of other boys to date and this one was a stranger, walks away crying.
Syaoran said this because if he did accept her offer, he would become immoral and a bad guy for dating Meiling, and the author definitely doesn't want that since Syaoran is supposed to end up with kawaii Sakura. Syaoran should be perfect and have godly qualities, even though everyone's a human and we all make mistakes. And he should do this all the while annoying Sakura and getting her to fall in love with him unknowingly.
Sakura notices this exchange, of course, and makes it up in her mind that Syaoran is a womanizing playboy who gets involved with sluts though he is only sixteen.
Then Sakura gets placed to sit right next to Syaoran (again), pissing of Meiling. After class ends, she decides to have a "talk" with Sakura.
"You bitch! How dare you steal Syaoran away from me and get all his attention when it's obvious that he hates you and I am jealous of that! It's all your fault that you sit next to him even though the teacher put you there! In fact, I am supposed to be negotiating with the teacher, but the author wants me to be humiliated by the likes of you, so here I am, bitching to you!" Meiling raises her hand to slap Sakura.
Sakura's face turns red from all the anger. She then stops the bitch's hand in midair, says, "Piss of, bitch," (oh, how original) and stomps off towards Tomoyo in a very immature fashion that reminds us of a four year old kid.
"That was amazing Sakura! You got Meiling pissed!" exclaims an enthusiastic Tomoyo.
As if getting her mad was a great feat that no one could do. And once again we are forced to gag at the weird and immature characterization of Tomoyo.
The bell for lunch rings and everyone walked into the courtyard for lunch.
Meanwhile, Syaoran is having a meeting with random guys the author expects you to believe are his friends that he made the first half day of school. The group of random people consists of Yamazaki Takashi, Hiiragizawa Eriol (even though Syaoran didn't like him at all in the series), and an OC or two that the author decides to throw in just for kicks. The author proceeds to tell us how breath-takingly gorgeous this group of friends are, even though no one is perfect and even ugly people could be part of the group of friends.
Takashi, Eriol and the OC that we will not even bother to acknowledge start talking to Syaoran as if they were age old friends even though they just met. Then they propose a bet just like normal guys in their situation would do.
"I bet that if you make the nerd/geek Sakura fall in love with you and then break her heart, I will give you a million dollars from my father's rich, bigass company or me, Takashi, and OC will become your servants forever." Wow, Eriol, what an original idea!
Alas, the author has forgotten that the currency in Japan is yen, not dollars, unless he/she (but usually she) conveniently and simultaneously moved the setting from Tomoeda to the U.S.A. Because America is the greatest place in the world and all stories must take place there.
Anyways, back to the story. Syaoran smirks and says, "That complete nerd/geek? That's easy! I'm in." He says this even though a normal guy his age would've dismissed the idea as a stupid, gay idea that only retarded people with no life take on.
Meanwhile, Sakura runs into her nonexistant cousin that popped up out of nowhere during lunch.
"Hi Sakura! How're you doing?"
That's a weird question to ask, being the nonexistent bubbly cousin that just found out about Sakura going to the same high school suddenly, even though it is their second year there.
Said nonexistant cousin, who actually turns out to be an OC with the name of Kaori, has very trendy, fashionable clothes. She notices Sakura's ugly clothes and gasps.
"Sakura! Your clothes are terrible! Let's go shopping after school!"
Then Tomoyo gets excited and says, "I'll have you try on some outfits I made for you Sakura!" What has Tomoyo been doing all this time, anyway?
Then the bell signaling "Lunch is over, now drag your asses to next class," rang.
Sakura and Syaoran make the genius discovery that they are in each others' classes again. They get pissed.
"Okay, everyone, you are going to partnered up for a project, though it is the first day of school and not many teachers assign projects on the first day of school without explaining what we are going to cover during the year. You will be researching whatever we are studying." (oh, how descriptive)
Gee. As if research needed partnerwork.
The teacher starts calling out partner groups.
"The partners are:
Yamazaki and Chiharu,
Eriol and Tomoyo, and
Syaoran and Sakura."
Notice how the author conveniently leaves out the rest of the class while managing to fit the main couples in at the same time.
"Oh, no!" exclaim our favorite characters. Sakura starts thinking how bad it would be to be partnered up with a playboy, and Syaoran starts thinking how bad it would be to be partnered up with a nerd.
Meanwhile Yamazaki and Chiharu and Eriol and Tomoyo are secretly screwing themselves senselessly.
Just kidding.
Before the students can get anything actually done, the teacher says, "Okay, times up. This project is due one week from now, even though you do not know exactly what to do for this project, you are still going to have to do it. You will have to do it, of course, because this project is just a plot device to get Saks and Syao-poo together. See you tomorrow."
Saks and Syao-poo leave to go to their next class and -lo and behold!- they're in each others' classes. Again.
The author then runs out of ideas and skips to the last period of the day, while managing to cleverly steer the readers' attention off of the weird time hole. He/she (but usually she) directly starts writing the part where the dismissal bell is about to ring. Okay, the bell rings. Sakura and Syaoran are walking out of the classroom when Sakura trips like the klutzilla (1) she is and is falling down. Syaoran then uses his fast reflexes unlike those of Touya's and catches her. Amber met emerald. It was at that moment that Syaoran recognized Sakura's eye color to be his favorite color; green. Sakura then noticed that Syaoran had the most alluring and enchanting eyes ever. Of course, as usual, the world around them has frozen and no one notices that Saks and Syao-poo look like they've just stepped out of the play Cinderella and didn't bother changing their pose. Then Syaoran starts thinking, 'I can't think Sakura is hot, remember? I hate her! I really do! Even though I still don't have a valid reason to hate her, I still do because I know I will have to fall in love with her in some point of this story.' And Sakura thinks, 'Nonononononononononononono, Syaoran is butt-ugly even though it is obvious that he isn't. I shouldn't think his eyes are gorgeous or anything, because I shouldn't!'
They part ways but not after shouting at each other for being weird and being in the way though Sakura should've been thanking Syaoran. She didn't, because she hates him.
Eventually, Syaoran meets up with Yamazaki, Eriol, and OC to do guy stuff while Sakura meets up with her bubbly cousin a.k.a. Kaori and Tomoyo to do girl stuff.
Well, the author really doesn't want you to care what Syaoran, Yamazaki, and OC are doing, because they still are going to be their sexy selves. However, the author expects us to want to witness the change when Sakura turns from geek to gorgeous.
Saks and her gang went to the mall. No really? Wasn't she going to get her clothes from the 80s thrift shop?
It turns out that Kaori and Tomoyo have enough money to buy thirty malls right in their purses. So they begin to shop for what we call a wardrobe transplant. They picked out low rise jeans, halter tops, long shirts, miniskirts, low necks, ballet flats, short shorts, Ugg boots--think Abercrombie/Hollister clothing.
Then they go get makeup for Sakura because she has a naturally butt-ugly face and should be beautified by the fake cosmetics that can sometimes ruin your skin.
During this shopping time, the spotlight is stolen from Sakura to Kaori and Tomoyo and the author doesn't show Sakura's opinion of all this. Sakura is a naturally stubborn person, but she surprisingly didn't have any problems with the clothes they were picking for her. She just stood there like a dumb idiot and let Kaori and Tomoyo take over her new wardrobe. Apparently, after all this shopping, they bought half of the mall, gave Sakura exotic piercings on the belly button, and nose, or maybe tongue (which could result in mouth cancer), and headed towards Tomoyo's house, so Sakura could try on Tomoyo's homemade freshly baked clothes. It is now safe to assume that the time machine used to get Sakura to the 80s thrift shop spontaneously combusted.
Sakura and Kaori arrive at Tomoyo's huge, bigass mansion. There Tomoyo brings out a stash of secret clothes she has been making as a nerd. The clothes unexpectedly turn out to be un-nerdy and fashionable. Sakura sweatdrops and tries everything out as Tomoyo screams "KAWAII!!" in the background while Kaori is...being Kaori.
"Wow, Sakura, you look kawaii! Wait until you wear these cute clothes at school! Everyone will be so shocked! Especially Syaoran!" We know that in a lot of fics, Tomoyo is the matchmaker and that she is the one who makes Sakura hot for Syaoran. She never really misses an oppurtunity to be matchmaker, doesn't she?
"Yeah, you show them. All the boys will be drooling over you and wish they never bullied you or called you a nerd!" Okay, so now Sakura is the last girl on the earth.
The next day Sakura goes to school in her new clothes and she can witness the change already. Her face is dipped lightly in makeup, which transformed her butt-ugly face into that of an angel's. Many people stare in her direction. Okay, they drool.
Then Syaoran sees her and thinks, 'Sakura is so hot, man, I wanna get in her pants! Wait, I hate Sakura, she is still the butt-ugly girl that I met and I hate her.'
Meanwhile, the slut, a.k.a. Meiling, who is 100 bad and 0 good, which is totally likely to happen in real life, sees Syaoran staring at Sakura like he wants to eat her up. She decides to have the "talk" again. She stomps over to Sakura angrily while seductively swaying her hips so wayward guys can see them. Apparently doing contradicting things at the same time is what they teach at bitch school.
Meiling sees Sakura and Tomoyo and glares. "You bitch! Stop stealing Syaoran away you slut! Even though it is obvious that he is not interested in me, I will still chase after him because I am the "supposed" barrier in between you and Syaoran and that I will do something horribly bitchy to you if you steal him away from me! Of course in the end everyone knows that you will win, but everyone wants to see me get humiliated!"
Instead of a totally unoriginal reply, Sakura smirks, picking up the weird habit from Syaoran. Here comes a point in time when Sakura's clothes are equivalent to those of Meiling's. The author wants Sakura to be sexy but not slutty, so she makes the slut's standards go down even lower. So now Meiling's skirt doesn't cover her butt, her shirt is only covering the 5 percent that should be covered at all times, and her face was submerged twice in makeup. In fact, her face was covered in makeup so much, she looked like a ghost.
The guys catch sight of Sakura again and start drooling even though they should have been out of saliva by now. And Syaoran is still in a dilemma about whether he hates Sakura or not.
Wait for the next chapter to catch sight of the next exciting part about what will happen next! Will Meiling get Syaoran (though it is obvious that she will not)? Or will Sakura get Syaoran (though it is obvious that she will)?
This was really jumbled up. I tried to mix up various repeated plots together. It might've turned into a jumble of mush.
Okay, crap or not, I am enthusiastic to know what you guys thought of this. I'll say it again, it is not in my intention to bash the SakuraxSyaoran pairing.
Flames are welcome, but flames without any constructive criticism will be used for cooking my lunch.