Summary: Dr Cullen has gone off sick. Hang on, Dr Cullen never goes off sick. The nurses at Forks General determine to investigate this highly irregular occurrence...
Disclaimer: 'Twilight' and all related characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: I was walking home from campus, clutching a litre-bottle of washing up liquid to my chest, when this nugget first popped into my noggin. My love of Twilight refuelled by seeing the film again, it grew and grew and here we are. Enjoy my first foray into Twilight fanfiction.
The Doctor is Out
"Sorry I'm late."Staff Nurse Linda Stone squeezed herself into the broom cupboard that some architect with a sense of humour had decided to call the ER staff lounge. "It was Kevin's gerbil; he got sucked up the Hoover again. The poor thing won't last much longer, he's black and blue."
Her long time friend and colleague Sarah nodded her appreciation of the story but pressed a finger to her lips and pointed in the direction of the coffee machine and the final member of their terrible trio. Up until this shift, junior nurse Annie had been the baby of their team, but now it seemed that she had passed this mantle onto the willing young trainee who had started that morning. Annie was talking animatedly, and a raised eyebrow from Sarah told Linda exactly whom she was in raptures about.
"Seriously," she heard Annie say as she approached. "He looks more like a movie star than a doctor."
Linda was proved correct. She came between the two younger women to get herself a cup of tea.
"Where is Dr Cullen by the way?" she asked breezily. "He's normally here by now."
She looked around the room but it was obvious that the four women were the only occupants, and Sarah soon left them to answer the phone in the office next door.
"And he drives a Merc." Annie continued regardless.
"He sounds..." began the trainee.
"Too good to be true?" suggested Linda. "Oh my dear, he is. Dr Cullen is an undeniably brilliant surgeon, is undeniably gorgeous and undeniably drives a Merc, but..."
"That was Mrs Cullen," said Sarah, coming back into the lounge with a look of complete perplexity. "Dr Cullen's gone off sick today."
The trainee looked at Annie, who smiled sheepishly.
"... he is also," continued Linda, "undeniably married."
XXX
"This isn't right," said Sarah, the perplexed expression that her phone call had given her in the morning still fixed firmly in place at lunch time. "Dr Cullen never goes off sick."
"Sarah, everyone gets ill once in a while," said Linda.
"But Cullen's the one who gets called to take over when everyone else goes off sick! He's like Superman! Invulnerable to everything, despite being around ill people all day every day."
"Maybe he tripped over some Kryptonite on his way home last night," muttered Linda, far more concerned with getting to the end of her chapter.
There was calm in the staff lounge for a while until Annie, who had remained silent all lunch break, slammed her hands against the arms of her chair with a cry of triumph.
"I've got it," she said. "She killed him!"
"No, she found the body," said Linda, not looking up from her Agatha Christie. "Mind you, it's not unheard of for the person who finds the body to be the one who put it there in the first place."
Annie looked at her, completely confused, for a few seconds before realising what had happened.
"I'm not talking about your stupid novel!" she exclaimed. "I'm talking about Dr Cullen!"
"Who killed him?" asked Sarah eagerly.
"Mrs Cullen!"
"Now why would she want to do a thing like that?" asked Linda. Annie shrugged.
"Search me. Maybe they had an argument over who was going to do the dishes or something. Any way, it all got a bit out of hand and she decked him one with a frying pan, and now she's burying him in the garden as we speak."
"Have you ever seen Dr and Mrs Cullen together?" asked Linda. "They're the most disgustingly perfect couple I've ever seen. I can't imagine murder even crossing their minds."
"The more perfect they look, the more they have to hide," said Sarah darkly. "I'm with Annie."
"You're both within reach of the boundaries of insanity," said Linda. "You're absolutely mad!"
XXX
"Annie," said Linda as the three friends left the hospital after their shift. "Your car is at the other end of the lot."
"Yes, I know."
"So why are you getting into Sarah's?"
"We're on a mission," said Sarah. "We've been planning it all afternoon. We're going to check that Dr Cullen isn't buried under his patio."
"And you're coming with us," said Annie brightly.
Linda shook her head.
"Oh no..."
"Please?" wheedled the younger nurse. "We need you Linda! You wouldn't have to do anything..."
"So why would you need me?"
"Well, if Mrs Cullen breaks out the Le Creuset on us then we'll need you to call the police."
"I'll be calling the police anyway if you start pulling up the Cullens' garden." Linda sighed. Going on Sarah and Annie's madcap missions could be fun, but it could also go horribly wrong. "Alright. I'll come. But on the strict proviso that you do not do anything remotely illegal."
"Deal," said Sarah, getting into the driver's seat. Linda clambered into the back behind her.
"Define 'illegal'," said Annie...
The discussion on what exactly constituted breaking and entering continued until they reached the long drive that lead to the Cullens' house. Sarah pulled up next to the mailbox and they peered through the trees to where the roof of the house could just be seen.
"Now what do we do?" asked Sarah. Annie immediately launched into outrageous schemes involving Charlie's Angels-style death-defying feats with Sarah looking increasingly pained at each one.
"You should have brought some flowers," said Linda conversationally. "Then you could just knock on the door and inquire after his welfare. Everyone gives flowers to sick people. We should know."
"Why didn't we think of that?" asked Annie. She went to hit Sarah. "So much for you being the master planner."
"But the point is," said Sarah, ignoring Annie, "we don't have any flowers and..."
A rap on her window caused Sarah to break off.
"Hello," she said cheerily to the person staring in.
"What are you doing up here?" asked the blonde girl. "This is private land."
"We, erm, we..." Sarah struggled to think of an excuse. "Annie?"
"Yeah, um, we're... lost. But it's ok. We know where we are now."
"Ok..."
The girl moved away towards her siblings, one of whom, the youngest of the three boys, seemed to be having distinct trouble stopping himself from laughing. They stared at the three hospital staff in the car for a moment before making their way up to the house.
"Well, that was awkward," said Linda, turning the page.
"Annie, that excuse was lame," groaned Sarah.
"Well, you couldn't think of a better one under pressure." Annie sniffed and picked up the nearest reading material to hide her embarrassment. "Sarah, what's DOCCWA?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"DOCCWA. It's here in your diary, on today's page..."
"You're reading my diary!"
"... under 'trainee nurses start today'. Look."
Sarah snatched the diary away from her co-worker and looked at the entry. Linda saw her pale visibly in the rear-view mirror.
"Erm, yeah, you know what Annie, I've changed my mind. I don't think he's been murdered. I think he'll turn up right as rain tomorrow. Come on. Let's go."
Sarah turned the car round and sped off towards the hospital as quickly as she could.
"Sarah? Sarah? What's going on?"
Sarah tossed her diary into the back seat and Annie twisted round to give Linda a confused look.
"What's going on?" she asked.
Linda picked up the open book next to her and read the entry, deciphering her friend's shorthand immediately. She smiled and wrote the entry out in full, passing it back to Annie.
Doctor Cullen's wedding anniversary.
XXX
"I don't believe it," Rosalie was saying as Edward let them into the house. "The nurses have actually started stalking him now. This is getting ridiculous."
Before he could listen to any more of Rosalie's rant, a thought that was most certainly not his own entered Edward's mind.
Oh yes, that's it, like that, oh Esme... Cripes, they're back already!
Simultaneously, there was a loud thud from upstairs.
"Carlisle?" called Edward. "Did you skive off sick today by any chance?"
How did he know? Damned mind-readers... no use denying it.
"Ye-es," came the reply, in a voice that tried but failed to sound innocent.
"Esme," Edward continued. "Did you phone in for him?"
"Erm..." Esme's voice was just as guilty as her husband's. "Possibly?"
"It's happened again you know," called Edward. This time a second voice pervaded his perception.
Oh sweet lord... How many times have I thwacked Carlisle round the head with a frying pan now?
Please review! And please forget that Carlisle would probably be more likely to take the day off legitimately. If he did that then I wouldn't have a story!