It's Always Sunny on Bionis

By P.T. Piranha

Quick note: In every chapter, imagine elevator music when you read the chapter titles.

Other note: If you want, try listening to the appropriate Xenoblade songs while reading this story. Or just listen to Riki's theme the whole time. Either-or.

"Long ago, there was only an ocean and nothing else… Oh, and, uh, also these giants, they were there too."

(As the voice spoke, two giant figures locked swords against each other in the water. One giant was made of white stone, with a single horn on its head. The titan wielded a laser blade.)

"One titan was the Bionis. It fought its counterpart to the very last, using a sword made of energy."

(The other titan was metallic, and wielded a large, serrated blade. This titan was fighting back.)

"The other- Mechonis. I'm not sure where its sword came from, exactly."

(The Bionis severed the Mechonis' left hand, sending it crashing into the water.)

"And… that's about it, really. After a while, they just kind of stopped."

(Mechonis grazed the Bionis on its right waistline, causing green spray to leak out. Bionis attempted an overhead, two-handed slash, but stopped. The energy blade disappeared.)

"And that's how the world started, true story. Of course, that's not how it ends. After that, the Bionis gave life to several species, living on its body. But so did the Mechonis. It gave rise to the Mechon, literal killing machines that want only to see us dead."

"What happened after that was a long story, filled with many twists and turns. Some of you may be familiar with this story. But it was… embellished, to put it lightly. Here's how it truly happened…"

"The uncut story of how a small few were able to overwrite destiny itself."

It was a dark night in the canyon, with the only light coming from the green tubes placed all along the valley walls.

Several bipedal robots were advancing toward a legion of humanoid soldiers. These robots were essentially turbines on legs. They were blue and gold.

"Aww, I hate these robots!" a soldier complained. His comrade turned to him.

"No, these are Mechon."

"Wh-what?"

"You called them 'robots', but they're Mechon."

The whiny soldier was confused. "Wh-what's the difference?"

"Look, I'm just saying, I think it's only polite to use their official name."

"Who has time to be polite?! They've been trying to slaughter us for years!"

The second soldier crossed his arms. "Well maybe if we were better hosts, this wouldn't have happened." He sighed.

Both of the soldiers were knocked away with an electrical attack. A more decorated soldier got on his knees and shouted to the heavens. "RETREAT! FOR THE LOVE OF BIONIS, RETREAT ALREADY!" a soldier practically cried.

All the other soldiers heeded his order and began to make their retreat. However, one soldier with long hair was running in the opposite direction. "They're taking advantage of the weakness in our right flank." He started slashing at several Mechon with a red-sword containing a beam edge. "These robots seem to know a thing or two."

The two soldiers from earlier were being carried on stretchers. One of them looked over to the other. "Ha. He said 'robots' too. In your face."

With his fancy sword, the long-haired man stabbed one Mechon, ceasing all its functions, and causing it to fall over. He began to sit down behind it like a barrier. Another long-haired man, with blonde hair and a bandanna, ran in.

"Dunban, there ya are!"

"Dickson!" the swordsman immediately focused on his new companion.

"We need to retreat, let's get outta here!"

A larger man with slicked-back black hair and a set of claw gauntlets suddenly appeared next to Dunban and spoke in a guttural, raspy voice. "I like that idea, let's do that, Dunban!"

Dunban put a hand to his chin. "Hmm… We could do that. Or we could stay and fight."

"What?" Dickson and the other man said at once.

"Episode 1 – Dunban fights off the Mechon"

Dunban grinned and held out his red sword. The energy blade was no longer present. "We have the Monado, this'll let us scrap those Mechon. More importantly- I'm awesome. So that will give us all the edge we need."

Name: Dunban
Secret: Never learned to tie his shoes (his sister does it for him)

Dunban stood up. "Stay with me, and my awesomeness will shield you from harm."

Dickson scoffed.

Name: Dickson
Friends: 0

"Yeah I saw you earlier, Dunban. Those sparks flying off the Monado. You can't handle it much longer!" Dickson warned. Dunban waved a hand.

"Don't worry, I'm drunk, I won't feel a thing."

The third man's eyes widened. "You're drunk right now?!"

Name: Mumkhar
Friends: -1

Dickson rolled his eyes. "Might as well have a go, then. After all, someone's gotta drag your corpse back home."

Dunban smirked. "Glad to have you aboard, Dickson."

"No seriously, I'm going to literally drag you back home if you die."

Mumkhar raised his hand. "Can I have the Monado if he dies?"

"No." Dunban and Dickson said at once. Mumkhar narrowed his eyes.

"Whatever! I'm leaving, we were ordered to retreat!" As Mumkhar stood up, Dunban grabbed his shoulder. "Huh?"

"You're my spotter." Dunban said.

"Oi, what's Dickson here for, then?!" Dunban drunkenly stared at Mumkhar, not answering his question. Mumkhar sighed and muttered to himself. "Why me…?"

Dunban held the Monado forward, and the red blade opened up, revealing the energy blade once more.

"Dickson! Mumk… Mum… Mumkle…"

"MUMKHAR!" Mumkhar corrected.

"Let's go!" Dunban ran forth. Dickson sighed, got up, and followed suit. Mumkhar narrowed his eyes.

"Dunban... The second I have an opening, I'm getting outta here!" With that, Mumkhar followed the other two into battle. "Because this valley is the last place I'd want to die!"

A trio of Mechon M72 units slowly stomped toward the advancing soldier trio. The robots barely towered over Dunban and friends.

"I'm not too partial to these!" Dunban winced. Dickson looked up from lighting a cigar.

"What happened to being awesome? Don't tell me you're sobering now."

"Of course not!" Dunban replied as Mumkhar ran up to the others, out of breath. Dunban looked over. "Oh, there you are."

The M72 trio began to prepare their attack. Mumkhar glared at Dunban.

"Dunban! Do that glowing stuff!"

"Monado… ENCHANT!" the Monado released a purple cloud, which swarmed around Dickson and Mumkhar. "There, now you can hurt the Mechon."

Dickson aimed his sword-gun at one of the Mechon. "Eat this! Thunderbolt!"

The Mechon was hit with an electrical bullet, frying all its circuitry.

"DIIIIIE!" Mumkhar stabbed his claws through another Mechon. Dunban faced his own Mechon and smirked.

"I don't have time for small fry! Monado… BUSTER!"

The Monado's blade grew white-hot and much larger. Dunban drunkenly swung the Monado sideways, halving the Mechon and nearly removing Dickson's head.

"Watch where you're swingin' that, dumb beast!"

"Acknowledged."

A random soldier sitting on the ground raised his hand. "Uh, guys? There's more."

Dunban and the others turned and found themselves up close and personal with three Mechon M63 units. One of Mumkhar's eyes twitched.

"We appear to have company." Dunban put his free hand to his chin, sizing up the enemies.

Mumkhar hung his head. "How many of you are there?!"

Dickson waved a hand. "Quit yer crying, Mumkhar, or I'll shoot you before the Mechon have the chance."

Dickson aimed his gun and fired at an M63, making it short-circuit, shortly before the purple haze disappeared from him. Dunban ran up to one of the Mechon and tried kicking it. "Tempest Kick!" It had no effect. "Oh… I forgot how to do that."

"Dunban!" Dickson scolded.

"Give me a break, I'm drunk."

"Hey, hey, time to DIE!" Mumkhar ran at the same M63. He began scratching at it, but had no effect, and Dunban smirked. "Don't look at me like that! Enchant me already!" Dunban shrugged and reestablished the enchantment on Dickson and Mumkhar. Mumkhar plunged one of his claws right through the M63. "Die! Die! Die! Die!"

Dunban looked over to the final M63. With his concentration off, he was seeing double. "Mumkhar, you fancy the one on the left or the right? I'll let you have first pick."

Mumkhar was then backhanded by the M63, knocking him down. Dickson palmed his face. "Dunban, there's only one, you idiot!"

"Oh." Dunban promptly cleaved the M63.

Just as the drunk was about to wipe the sweat from his brow, a 15-meter Mechon dropped down, almost on top of Mumkhar. "WATCH WHERE YER'E LANDING!"

The M82's sawblade hands began rotating, and it started to swing at Dunban and Dickson. The two men leapt out of the way, with Dickson taking this chance to shoot at the machine.

Plink

"Aaww, no good. That enchantment sure don't last long." Dickson lamented. Dunban's face showed zero emotion.

"Dickson… I had an idea."

Dickson rolled his eyes. "Well that's a first. Did it hurt?"

Dunban activated Monado Buster. He run over to the Mechon. "BORN IN A WORLD OF STRIFE!" He met the incoming sawblade with the Monado, cutting off the robot's arm. "AGAINST THE ODDS!" Another hand came at him, but he dodge-rolled and cut the other arm. "WE CHOOSE TO FIGHT!" Dunban spun around, cutting off the Mechon's leg. The now one-legged Mechon fell over, and Dunban prepared a Monado slash. "BLOSSOM DANCE!" He fatally damaged the robot.

Mumkhar stood up.

"Uh… I could've done that too, I was just… uhh... slacking off. NO WAIT I MEANT-"

"Nobody cares, Mumkhar." Dickson answered. He looked over and saw another wave of Mechon approaching and sighed. "This is just getting better all the time…"

Mumkhar leaned his head back and groaned obnoxiously. "C'mon Dickson! I love a good fight as much as you, but-"

"Nonsense, I was getting into fights before your mum was even born!"

Dunban was digging around in his pocket. "Dickson, have you seen my flask?"

"Screw this, I'm going home!" Mumkhar announced. Mumkhar ran away, as Dickson watched with contempt.

"Coward."

Dunban waved his arm. "It's all right, my awesomeness can make up for it. It'll be easy. I'll take the 70 to the left, and you get the 70 to the right."

Dunban enchanted Dickson and the two ran into the battle.

…

Dickson was having an easy time, shooting several Mechon, when he looked over and saw Dunban already standing atop a pile of wrecked Mechon.

"Now he's just showin' off. Wait…"

Dickson looked closer and saw Dunban was actually having a spasm of some kind, as the Monado was seemingly electrocuting him. In addition, a Mechon was approaching, ready to swallow Dunban with its massive clamp hand.

"For cryin' out loud Dunban, I already have one brat to babysit, I didn't ask for another!" Dickson ran over and pushed Dunban aside, getting clamped himself. "OH! That's gonna leave a mark!"

"Dickson!"

Quickly regaining his bearings, Dickson held out his gun and fired at the Mechon, wrecking it and causing it to release him. "Gonna be feeling that in the morning…"

"Nice work, Dickson. That usually kills a Homs in one go."

Dickson shrugged. "There are very few things that can kill me, Dunban."

…

Elsewhere, Mumkhar was still in the midst of fleeing. "Hmm… I wonder if Dunban's already dead. I could get the Monado now, instead of having to wait! But then again- WAAAH!" Mumkhar tripped and fell down a hill. "Ooh! Ow! Son of a-"

Mumkhar got back up and put a hand to his head.

"Oww… head hurts…" He then looked and noticed that the claws on one of his gauntlets were broken. "Stupid claws, never did me any good!" A red laser dot appeared on Mumkhar's forehead. "Hey what's this then?" Several more appeared on his body. "Huh?" His eyes then dilated. "Oh no…"

Mumkhar looked ahead and saw several Mechon standing before him, with weapons concentrated on his position.

"No… NO, NO, NOT LIKE THIS! DUNBAN, HEEEEEELP!"

…

Further away, Dunban and Dickson stood alone against an approaching mob of several Mechon, including hovering drones and a building-sized, quadrupedal spider-tank Mechon. Dunban glared. "These machines don't know whom they're messing with! We are Homs, and we won't let them advance any further!"

Dickson shifted his gaze between the advancing legion and the drunken swordsman wobbling next to him. "Yeeeah… I'll go look after the survivors." Dickson then ran off.

"Sounds good." Dunban activated the Monado. "Vile Mechon! I am Dunban! Attack me if you dare! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Dunban ran up to the army of Mechon, throwing caution to the wind.

ONE YEAR LATER…

There was a quiet meadow, with nary a sound but the noises of someone digging through a pile of scrap metal. The culprit was a young man, with hair the color of straw. He was robed in red and black, with a plain sword strapped to his back.

"Ooh, that's a piece from an M71! I can use that to align one of the anti-air batteries! Oh wait… It's broken."

The man stood up and yawned.

Name: Shulk
Rating: Awesome

He fell onto his back, landing on his sword. "Aaah! Bad idea! Should've taken the sword off!" He rolled over onto his stomach, wincing.

Shulk slowly got back up and removed his sword, ready to inspect it.

"Hmm. Doesn't look broken."

A fly buzzed past Shulk's face and landed on a nearby piece of machinery. Curious, Shulk followed it and noticed that it was a very particular Mechon piece. "An M69! I can make that into a shield! Science!"

Shulk ran over to pick up the M69, but it started rustling. "Huh?"

"Shulk, look out!"

A larger man wearing a gray and orange uniform ran onto the scene and bashed the M69 away with a lance-shield. He had combed, spiky orange hair.

Name: Reyn
Favorite Herb: Thyme

The 'Mechon' turned around and revealed itself to be a hermit crab.

"It's okay Reyn, it's only a Krabble!"

"Oh okay. You know the drill, Shulk! I'll taunt 'im, then you finish the job with your Back Slash!" Reyn nodded at his own statement.

"But Reyn, we could probably walk back and it'll never catch up."

"But… but Shulk, I wanna!"

Shulk rolled his eyes. "Oh fine."

"Yeah!" Reyn pumped his fist. He ran over to the Krabble and began waving his hand in front of it. "Man, what a joker this Krabble, eh?"

The Krabble began trying to snap its claws at Reyn, while Shulk casually walked over behind it and cut the shell from behind, getting at the monster underneath. The Krabble fell over, dead. Reyn chuckled. "Hah! Good thing I'm here? … Anybody? Shulk?" Reyn held out his hand, looking for a high five. Shulk gave it to him. "Good man, never leave a mate hangin'."

Reyn rolled his shoulder, while Shulk picked up the Krabble's old shell. "This should do nicely for armour."

Reyn sighed. "Shulk, I told you to stay where I can keep an eye on you. There are all kinds o' monsters out here. Like that Krabble. And bunnits. And I think a fly was lookin' at me funny on the way here."

"I'm sorry, Reyn. I was just wanted to prepare for science."

Reyn nodded. "So anyway, watcha gonna do with that Mechon piece?"

Shulk was struggling to carry it, speaking in a strained manner. "Oh… I don't know… perhaps… a shield or… something… Reyn help me please." Reyn grabbed the shell from Shulk. "Phew. Cheers."

"You gonna do something nerdy with it?" Reyn asked. Shulk rolled his eyes.

"It was a nerd who built your Scrap Driver, you know." Shulk said, pointing at Reyn's weapon.

"C'mon man, let's go."

Shulk and Reyn started walking along a grassy path, passing the evil, scary rabbits and flies that Reyn was on about. "You know, Reyn, Dickson had better not hear you with all that nerd talk. He might just shoot you."

"He almost did, once."

"Wait, what?" Shulk's eyes widened. "Dickson nearly shot you? I was joking!"

Reyn's eyes darted around, he broke into a sweat. "Uhh… me too! Haha! Yeah… ain't I somethin'…"

Shulk sighed. "Reyn, what are we going to do with you… That didn't have to do with last week, when you tried using the Monado to cut vegetables, did it?"

"Uh, no! … Maybe. … Please don't tell Dunban about that, by the way."

Shulk put a hand to his head, but kept walking. "What a mess."

Colony 9

"The redneck area of Bionis"

The two kept walking, and soon their town came into view. It was a large collection of buildings on a concrete island suspended over a lake. Shulk looked over, eying Reyn still holding the shell for him. "Say, Reyn. What time is it?"

Reyn chuckled. "Why Shulk, it's Rey-"

"Nono, I mean really. You're not going to be late for the Colonel's drills because of me, are you?"

"Oh I'll just tell him it was 'cos I had to look after you. Good thing for me that he don't get as mad whenever you're involved."

Shulk rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well, that's probably because he's scared of Dickson more than anything."

The two made it to the entrance bridge of Colony 9, and Reyn gave the shell back to Shulk, whom was not ready for it.

"Hooo!"

"Well I'm off. See ya later, Shulk!" Reyn walked off, whistling. Shulk was struggling to hold onto the shell.

"No… someone… help… heavy…" A woman wearing gear similar to Reyn walked past, and Shulk noticed. "Dorothy… please help me."

"Sorry Shulk, I'm a bit busy now. Maybe Reyn can help you with it?"

"But… Reyn just…"

Dorothy had already left.

An hour later, Shulk was slowly making his way to the military district, panting and drenched in sweat.

"… so heavy… need to… work out more…"

"YOU IDIOTS!"

Shulk dropped the shell onto his foot. "AAAH!"

The boy looked over and saw a man with a strange mustache yelling at two other soldiers. He had a bright-orange mustache, with both ends pointing upwards at a 90-degree angle.

Name: Colonel Vangarre
Distantly related to: Waluigi

"HOW COULD YOU CRASH THE MOBILE ARTILLERY INTO A HOUSE?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN ON THIS FORCE?!"

The soldiers stood at attention. One spoke first. "Sir! We've been on the force for two hours, sir!"

The other one spoke. "And it was you who crashed it into the house. You were teaching us how to use it, and crashed. You blacked out and forgot all about it. This is the third time you've done it and blamed it on us, sir."

"I THINK I KNOW WHEN I DO AND DON'T CRASH INTO THINGS!"

"Er, yes sir. I'm sure we were controlling your mind to make you do it… somehow."

"Yeah that must be it."

Vangarre nodded. "AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT! BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SOLDIERS! THE TRAINING HAS ONLY BEGUN! I WILL TURN YOU FROM MERE MEN INTO CHAMPIONS! AND THEN FROM CHAMPIONS, YOU WILL BECOME VANGARRES!"

"Sir! You constantly shout everything you say!"

"MY FATHER NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SPEAK QUIETLY!"

Shulk picked the shell back up and began trudging toward the lab. Vangarre kept ranting.

"NOW GO BRING THE ARTILLERY BACK TO THE DISTRICT, AND THEN DO A MILLION PRESS-UPS! AND I MEAN EXACTLY ONE MILLION! I'LL BE COUNTING, I WANT YOUR BICEPS TO EXPLODE!"

One of the soldiers spoke again. "Sir! I don't think biceps can explode, sir!"

"OF COURSE THEY CAN, JUST WATCH MINE!" Vangarre got down and started furiously doing push-ups at the speed of light. "ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Shulk walked into the lab and set the shell down. "Phew!"

"Oi Shulk, remind me to take you to the gym sometime." a familiar voice called. Shulk looked over.

"Dickson, I didn't know you'd be back!"

Dickson was sitting in a chair, wearing groovy blue and white clothes. "So how's the Monado research?"

"Oh." Shulk approached the Monado on its pedestal. "Well it turns out anyone can activate it. But not all can control it. Only Dunban and the other guy you were with in the military. What was his name again? Mum-something?"

Dickson shrugged. "I dunno."

Shulk looked at the Monado thoughtfully. "But… if we could somehow control it… we could be the mightiest military force in all the world."

The older man raised an eyebrow. "It's just us and Colony 6, Shulk. Being the mightiest ain't exactly a special position."

Shulk handed Dickson some notes. "This contains my newest hypothesis."

"Your handwriting is rubbish. Didn't I teach you better than this?"

"No. You never taught me to write, ever. I had to learn it on my own."

"Oh. Oh yeah. How's about you just tell me?"

Shulk sighed. "Okay. The hole in the middle is actually a glass sheet. When the Monado is activated and the wielder uses its arts, a different sheet fills the center. There's one for Buster and one for Enchant. Going off your notes, it looks like there could be eight in total, but only the first two are available. Furthermore, two others seem to be-"

"This is getting boring!" Dickson taunted. "Shulk, you need to find a girl."

"I… I have one, Dickson."

Dickson crossed his arms. "Oh. Finally made your move, eh?"

"Um… No."

Dickson sighed. "Well whatever. I suppose Dunban ought to be grateful you're wasting away researching this thing."

Shulk nodded. "Right… after the Battle of Sword Valley…"

…

Vangarre was yelling in the background.

"EVERYBODY! LET'S SEE HOW MANY EGGS I CAN FIT INTO MY MOUTH!"

At the same time, Shulk and a girl were fretting over Dunban. Dunban was being carried on a stretcher, escorted out of a transport vehicle.

"Dunban, stay with us!" Shulk pleaded.

"I'm… not gonna die. Shulk… I need… to tell you…"

Shulk leaned down as Dunban tried to whisper in his ear.

"Um… Dunban, you're… you're not actually saying words right now."

Dunban kept mumbling into Shulk's ear.

"Dunban… I don't know what you're saying."

…

Shulk kept staring at the Monado. "I don't know how much longer that would've gone on if you hadn't explained it to me."

"And that's the night Dunban swore off alcohol." Dickson recalled.

"I'm still wondering what he meant. About how the Monado was controlling him. Could it… Could it be sentient?"

"Nonsense. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go do Dickson things, you try to get some fresh air, Shulk."

Shulk looked over to Dickson. "But… I just came back from being outside."

"Looking for parts doesn't count."

"But Dicksoooooon!"

Dickson pointed at Shulk. "No buts! I don't waste my money buying food for the two of us just so you can forget to eat because you're busy in the lab all day."

Shulk sighed. "Dickson, you don't even buy our groceries, I do. With the money I earn. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen you eat."

Dickson shrugged. Without any further words, he left the lab.

At Dunban's house, the man himself was sitting up in his bed, shirtless and staring at his right arm. The entire arm had burn marks, and was stiff from the elbow-down.

"… Good thing I'm ambidextrous."

"Dunban, I have lunch!" a cheery, yet kind of raspy voice called from downstairs. Up walked a blonde girl in white and orange, with detached sleeves. She was holding a tray with a soup bowl.

Name: Fiora

Hobby: Trying to think of Dunban-esque battle cries

"Want me to feed you?"

Dunban shook his head. "That won't be necessary, I'm perfectly capable…" He started to speak under his breath. "Bad enough you used to tie my shoes, now I couldn't if I wanted to…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing. Moving on, I've been feeling much better lately. If the Mechon ever come back, I'll be ready."

Fiora tensed up as she set the tray down on a table. "Dunban! Don't say things like that! They're all gone now, you broke them all! And you made it back alive!"

Dunban winced. "Er, sorry. I just meant that… hypothetically-"

"Dunban, you know how hypotheticals work, everyone just uses that word to pretend they're not going to do something that they actually are going to do!" Fiora put her hands on her hips. Dunban put his good arm to his chin.

"Hmm. How can I phrase this? Let's see… uhh… Hmm… Well- no. … Uh-"

Fiora put a spoon in Dunban's face, prompting him to grab it. "Eat up before it gets cold!"

Dunban took the spoon. "Very well. But for the record, I like my soup on the cold side. You know this." He raised his eyebrow. "That reminds me, weren't you going to meet Shulk?"

Fiora rolled her eyes and sat down on the floor by Dunban's bed. "I… don't need to hurry. Shulk has no sense of taste. Literally, I mean. He'd eat anything I make and say it tastes good."

Dunban chuckled. "I'm sure you're exaggerating."

Fiora looked over her shoulder. "No. No I'm not."

…

"Mmm… This is good. This tastes good. I'm really tasting it." Shulk said, chewing on something in the lab. Fiora and Reyn were with him. Fiora spoke up.

"Shulk, that fruit was for decoration! You're not supposed to actually eat it!"

"Oh…" Shulk absentmindedly took another bite. "Could've fooled me."

…

Dunban looked straight ahead. "Oh yeah… In his defence, Dickson should've probably worked harder at keeping Shulk fed when he was young."

"Right… I'll be going, then." Fiora got up and made her way out of the house.

Dunban set the spoon down and looked over at the tray on the table. He reached for the bowl with his right hand, but his stiff hand accidentally pushed it off the tray, and onto the floor, sending glass bits and soup everywhere. Dunban sighed.

"… Now come back, soup. ... I can wait."

Fiora bumped into Dickson outside.

"Hey Fiora. What's Dunban been up to lately?"

Fiora briefly looked back. "Well I heard the sound of glass breaking, so I bet he's trying to clean the soup off the floor with his mind. Again."

Dickson looked up from lighting a cigar. "Huh? Oh. Cool. If yer looking for Shulk, I sent 'im out for some fresh air. You'll know where he'll be."

Fiora nodded. "The junkyard."

"No the other one."

Fiora nodded. "On his way to the lab, carrying something heavy."

"No the other, other one."

Fiora began to look hesitant. "… Selling machine parts?"

Dickson put his cigar away and rested both palms on his face. "The park, Fiora. He's at the park."

"Oh. That would've been my next guess."

Dickson walked off, waving dismissively. "Sure it was, and Dunban's not trying to control soup with his mind, and I'm not a huge jerk."

"Dickson, your pocket's catching fire! You forgot to put out your-"

"Can't hear ya, gotta do Dickson things, bye!"

Fiora rolled her eyes. "Same old Dickson…"

The girl started was to the park, carrying a basket with her. She started muttering to herself.

"I wonder how Dunban comes up with his battle cries… And why do they sound so cool all the time? I've got to sound like him… 'Feel the weight of combat- Hidden Thorn!' … I like that one."

Fiora eventually made it out of town and onto the hill path. "How about… 'Finishing Strike- Butterfly Step! Such is my talent! Haha!' … Not good. Maybe if I just say the same things as Dunban, I'll-"

"So if the Bionis wielded the Monado back in ancient times, how'd it get so tiny? It'd be like trying to fight with a splinter. That'd be impossible." Shulk thought aloud, sitting alone on the bench. This brought Fiora out of her train of thought.

"Oh! Shulk, I have lunch!"

Shulk looked over. "Cool!" Fiora sat down and pulled a sandwich out of the bag and gave it to Shulk. "Cheers."

Shulk started absentmindedly eating it, talking with his mouth full. "I was just thinking about the Monado."

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

Shulk swallowed. "Sorry. I was talking about how I was thinking about-"

"I heard." Fiora leaned closer to Shulk. "Soooo? How's it taste?"

Shulk nodded. "Amazing."

Fiora rolled her eyes and leaned back away from Shulk. "Shulk, you say that every time."

"Hm? No I don't."

"Shulk, you said that decorative apple was amazing. And before that, you said Dunban's 'floor soup' was amazing."

"Floor soup gives you health." Shulk countered.

Fiora shook her head, and Shulk took another bite. "I can't help it if I say it every time, as long as it's true every time." Bite. "It does taste a little different than usual. Different herbs?"

Fiora's eyes lit up. "You noticed! Yeah, I used thyme. … Reyn's idea." Fiora leaned back and closed her eyes. "Ahhh… The breeze feels so good."

Shulk looked around and swallowed his next sandwich bite. "Fiora, there's no wind today."

Fiora's eyes stayed closed. "Quiet time, Shulk."

"Okay." Shulk went back to eating.

Fiora opened her eyes again and smiled, taking in the scenery. "I just hope… that every day can be like this. Always."

Shulk spit out a piece of sandwich in shock. He then looked over to Fiora. "… Don't say that! That's always right before something happens!"

Fiora's eyes widened. "Ah! Er, what I meant… uh… Oh and I just got onto Dunban for it earlier…"

BING BING

The town's anti-air batteries positioned themselves and began to open fire on some falling pieces of metal. Shulk furrowed his brow. "Hmm. I wonder how Colony 6 is doing. There aren't many other places that could be dropping debris on us. We should get back to the lab."

Fiora nodded. "Right. The park is out of the batteries' range of protection."

Shulk and Fiora returned to the lab and found an interesting sight.

"SHULK HELP ME!"

Reyn was running about the lab, waving the activated Monado around, inadvertently slashing things with no semblance of control over his motions. Fiora moved around anxiously as Shulk sighed.

"What a mess! Reyn, what were you thinking?!"

"AAAH! WELL THERE WAS ANOTHER VEGETABLE AND- FIORA LOOK OUT!"

The Monado willed Reyn to swing it. He slashed cleanly through a machine and Fiora, though only the machine was harmed in any way. The Monado bounced off Fiora and dropped out of Reyn's grasp, onto the floor.

"I'm… I'm alive! Somehow!" Fiora inspected herself, seeing no signs of injury whatsoever.

Shulk walked over and inspected the broken machine. "What a mess… This'll take me a week to rebuild."

Fiora was indignant. "Pardon me? What about me, Shulk? I could've died!"

Shulk briefly looked up at Fiora and then back at the machine. "Oh. No you wouldn't. The Monado can't cut people. I'm pretty sure I've told you." Shulk looked over to Reyn. "Were you seriously trying to cut more vegetables?"

"Well… no. Maybe. Yes." Reyn hung his head. "I'm sorry, man. First I was just gonna ask you, but then-"

"Even I need to get out of the lab sometimes, Reyn." Shulk stated. Reyn crossed his arms and gave Shulk a look. The shorter boy hung his head. "Okay fine, Dickson insisted. But still!"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Fiora interrupted. "Shulk, that doesn't explain why you're more worried about a machine than me!"

Shulk raised his eyebrow. "But… Fiora, I just explained it. Just now. You were there… Reyn was there… Good times."

Fiora crossed her arms. "Hmph! Well maybe you'd finally care about me if I were part-machine!"

Shulk looked off to the side. "I had a dream where that happened once- Oh I wasn't… supposed to… say that out loud… that was a… personal moment…"

Shulk leaned down to pick up the Monado. As soon as his hands touched it, his eyes began to glow.

"Aaah!"

…

"LOOK AT YOU! WEAK AND PATHETIC!" a raspy voice shouted.

…

"THE POWER IS YOURS."

…

"I'll kill you!" a woman screamed, aiming a rifle at someone. Shulk was next to her, and turned to Reyn.

"Is that what I sounded like?"

…

"With my last breath, I curse Juju!"

…

"DUNBAN IS ANGRY! THIS IS HIS OUTSIDE VOICE!"

…

Reyn was shirtless, and wearing a metallic cow head for a helmet.

…

"You'll pay for your insolence."

…

"Hey look, a button!"

…

"Shulk listen to new daddypon!"

…

"But we mustn't be careless."

"But we cannot be reckless."

"No one likes a tailcoat rider."

…

Shulk's voice cried out, "I want revenge too! But don't you want to know why it had to come to this?! Putting us against each other?!"

…

"Your blade cannot hurt me, Shulk."

…

A large, black Mechon rammed its claws into an artillery unit, and Shulk's eyes widened.

"NOOOOO!"

…

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

Welcome to my Xenoblade parody. Ever since playing the 3DS version, I've come to appreciate this game, and all throughout my last parody story (a Sonic 06 parody), I've been peppering it with Xenoblade references. It got to the point where I realized that I just want to do a Xenoblade story. So I decided to give it some time, see if I still wanted to, and it felt right.

The theme for the title and the naming method of every chapter is based off the show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I got the idea from watching "It's Always Sunny in Beach City" videos on Youtube. This seems like an idea I'll like at first, and then get bored, but I'm going to challenge myself.

Writing this first chapter, I did feel a bit iffy at times, but going back over it, adding a few more jokes, I started feeling good about it. I'm not sure if the characters all have their distinct quirks yet, but I like the banter, and I do have ideas for later on. Stories like this always have a bit of a slow start, you gotta expect it. It takes a bit to find the comfortable groove.

I am trying to retain everyone's British accents, and their vocabulary. But there will be some slip-ups, either out of force of habit, or because it'd be funny. For Shulk, I'd like to play up his absentmindedness and how much of a tech geek he is, but we'll see where he goes from here. And Vangarre is my favorite to write so far. Too bad he's a bit character.

I feel like Mumkhar abandoning the battle was more understandable in this version, considering the alternative is relying on a drunk to fight an army of robots. Speaking of that, I found it strange how Dunban's outlook changes so much between the opening fight and the rest of the game, so I thought it'd be funny if it was because he was drunk at the time.

Overall, I think this is an all right start. I'm sure that once I get more comfortable with the story, I can really get into it better. But you gotta start somewhere. Also, this chapter was going to be longer, but I decided to leave it on that faux-cliffhanger.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll see you on the next one.

EDIT: I've rearranged a few things, so hopefully the chapter looks a little less cluttered, and easier to read as a result.