A/n This is my first fan fic so please be gentle :-)
Disclaimer- Obviously these characters are not mine I just couldn't resist playing for a little. No offense or infringement intended.
I know you know me. With a certainty that makes my skin damp with fear for the future and my heart sing for the fact there will be one. A future. One beyond this current fog.
When you look at me there's a ... something. A glint in your eye. ...a smirk...a thing. It says we aren't starting new. There will never be fresh with us. A lifetime has been. Gone. Will pass again in a heartbeat. Our days feel like months of time. Cases consume. At least they distract from the solid, increasing mass that is us. Peterandlivia. Frankly it scares the shit out of me. This new thing. The belonging. The being part of something. Something that's visible. Visible and growing. Growing as we share aspirations, dreams and fears. I swore I wouldn't do it again. Couldn't do it again. And yet here I am.
Belonging to something. Built gossamer thread by gossamer thread. Delicate pieces making a whole. A new connection (partnership?), solidifying in reality by day (full of whispered words and stolen moments). Not concrete enough for a name. Not yet.
And trust? Against all the odds. Trust.
It talks to me without a single movement of your lips. It says "I see you" Maybe there's a hint of "I get it". Most of all I hope your eyes say "When you're ready, I'm here. Waiting. "
Nothing else. Not yet. Thought perhaps. Dreamed of in the fevered heat of the night certainly. Not spoken. Not yet.
I was so certain. Too certain. Content in our routines, the banter, the honesty of our connection. Carrying a conviction that we were moving in an inevitable direction. The right one. Grounded by the none spoken yet known thing.
Why was it so easy to lie? And lie I did. Sure a lie of omission but a lie none the less. A decision that, for all of my angst and bold gestures, I had made in a split second. Made in the moment the fog lifted and the future shimmered. And then shimmered was a cruel pun and the truth jabbed mercilessly. I lied to maintain our slowly moving status quo. To nurture the unnamed thing, to keep the comfort of feeling you fall in step in your usual spot just behind me. To know that I am known.
In protecting I destroyed. I no longer met your eyes. Our gently progress stalled. Side glances became the new status quo. You floundered. Without the unspoken honesty of our glances you could no longer predict me or understand me.
I was no longer known.
But not adrift, you still had my back. Or you did until you left. Until you met my eyes one more time (last time?) and I knew you knew. And then you were gone.
I searched. Everywhere. Relentless. Blocking out the noise, the knowing glances in the office. Searched to drown out the knowledge that without you the world would tilt. Shatter irreparably. That I'd have to go back to the life you lifted me from. Liaising and connecting the pieces in a world that wasn't mine anymore. A world without even the cold comfort of your father. One where not even the ghost of your scent, your presence exists.
"I moved mountains to make it happen" I've heard people on the TV say. Big deal. I jumped universes. Prodded on by blind, desperate hope. The need to see you and a belief that if we could lock eyes that you'd know.
You figured it out. Of course you did. Those thousands of delicate threads that bind us may have been stretched badly damaged even but they aren't broken. Pain can't eradicate a history. Apologies, confessions, words. They seemed both necessary and surplus. With your gaze on me – our eyes connected. I am known again.
It's been months. Days are months in our world and I've missed them all. You didn't realise. Didn't know. Didn't know me.
Your eyes skirt me, flicker, refuse to hold. The fog thickens and solidifies around us until we could drown, never escape from it and the dream of a future seems a distant memory.
It's crunch time. Stay. Run. Sob. Laugh at the injustice of it all. A moment tense with the need for decision, for action, for debate. Words aren't us. They can't fix this. I cup your face, a move I've seen and felt from you so many times, and force your eyes to mine. Will you t stay with me. Stealing myself as you flinch from my touch.
I hold my breath afraid of what I'll see. I can release the breath. You meet my eyes. No longer wavering. The usual glint, the smirk is hidden. Cloaked in a layer of shame. I can see it all. You wanted her. Wanted her to be me. You wanted it to be our time. Revelled in the fact that it was. You are sickened by the things you missed and the suspicions ignored. The moment stretches. You read my pain, my nervousness. You see my doubts. My insecurities. Still your eyes don't waver and I see it emerging once more. The something...the thing that is uniquely ours. Despite everything I know you know me.
We will never speak of this again. We will move to move forward. Build new connections. Wait out on the bruising on our trust to fade. Solve new cases, find our steps together. The tautness of the moment is gone. The fog thins and the silence stretches comfortably now.
Your presence comforts without words. It says "I see you" Maybe there's a hint of "I get it". Most of all I hope your eyes say "When you're ready, I'm here. Waiting. "
Nothing else. Not yet. I am certain in the knowledge that you know me. This is enough. For now.