A Very Normandy Christmas

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With no shore leave on Christmas, Commander Shepard is determined to bring Christmas to the Normandy. Bit of a crackfic.

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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.

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Garrus was very, very confused when he exited the main battery first thing in the morning.

He made his way down the corridor slowly and cautiously. What were all these small red… boot things(?) doing hanging on the walls? They were each labeled with the name of a crew member. He peeked inside one of them. Candy. In a boot. A soft, bright red boot with fuzzy trim.

And then he noticed the lights. Strange little lights that hung from a string, blinking in bright colors. It was too early to even try to understand this.

When he entered the mess hall, it got even weirder. Why were there plants indoors? Decorated plants. Who would decorate a plant? And where would they get a tree in the middle of space anyways?

It got worse. There was some kind of fluffy white stuff covering the floor of the mess hall. None of this made any sense at all. He saw Tali at the table and headed over to sit by her. Maybe she would know what was going on.

Tali gave him a nod in acknowledgement as he sat down beside her. "Any idea what's going on?" he asked her.

All she did was shrug. "No idea," she said wearily. "Must be some weird human thing."

"Must be," he agreed.

Garrus munched some breakfast as others slowly filtered in, watching them to see how they reacted. Some seemed annoyed, others confused, and a few smiled. He heard a few words he didn't know the meaning of, but didn't ask. He was just going to let the crazy humans do their thing.

And then Shepard came in.

"Merry Christmas!" she cried out with a wide grin. There were those words again.

She was decked out in a strange suit that matched the boots down the hallway, with a tiny N7 logo stitched on the shoulder. Slung over her back was a bulky sack that she dropped next to the table.

"What in the Goddess' name is Christmas?" Liara asked as she approached, looking just as confused as Garrus felt.

"It's a holiday back on Earth," Cortez helpfully cut in, coming up behind the commander. "People give gifts and spend time with the people they care about."

Garrus looked around the room. That explained why many of the crew didn't seem as cheerful as Shepard did—they'd rather be with family, if they even knew where their families were right now. The war had thrown things into total chaos. Garrus himself didn't know if his dad and sister were okay.

Shepard's voice interrupted his reverie. "Gather around everyone!" she called out. "I'm going to tell a story to explain the meaning of Christmas."

He heard James groan as he sat down, Cortez elbowing him in the ribs. A few lower-ranked crewmen managed to escape, but most of them were stuck, a captive audience. This will be fun, Garrus thought sarcastically.

Shepard cleared her throat, and everyone gave her their attention. She was obviously loving this. "Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house…"

"…Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" she finished, looking extremely self-satisfied, in spite of the lack of enthusiasm in her audience.

"We done?" James asked rudely, earning himself a glare from the commander.

"No," she told him. "Now it's time for presents."

James visibly brightened, but Garrus felt wary. "Do we really have to do this, Shepard?" he finally asked. "I still don't understand what this holiday is about. The fat guy in a red suit? White… stuff on the floor? What kind of weapon is a 'missle-toe'?"

Shepard shook her head at him. "You're such a grinch, Garrus."

He threw his hands in the air. "I'm not even going to ask what that one means."

Shepard started pulling things from the bag, but Garrus wasn't paying much attention anymore. Humans were so weird.

And then she was standing in front of him, holding out a beautiful shiny new Widow sniper rifle.

He stared. "This is for me?" he finally asked.

Shepard grinned and shrugged. "It's Christmas," she said simply.

Garrus reached out for the Widow and stroked it reverently, everything else forgotten.

"I love Christmas!"

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