What House Will You Be Sorted To?

Summary: Takes place in Blame It On The Alcohol (2x14), Rachel's party. The Gleeks are now so drunk, they couldn't even see straight. Drunk Rachel just sorta ask them about Harry Potter.

It's a little bit later after 10, and Rachel's dads' 'Oscar room' was a total mess. The kids had just finished a game of 'Spin the Bottle', which led to a game of '7 Minutes in Heaven' which led to Santana and Brittany making out and the boys minus Kurt and Blaine cheering them on.

In the meantime, Rachel was drunk flirting with Quinn, Lauren was shouting at no one in the corner of the room, Mercedes and Tina were laughing at nothing, and Kurt and Blaine were dancing like crazies. Well, Blaine was dancing like crazy, Kurt was just standing there looking sad.

"Woo! Tongue! Tongue! Tongue! Yeah girl!" Artie, with a cup on his head, cheered, forgetting that it was his girlfriend making out with another girl.

Sam was too busy looking amazed at them to remember he even has a girlfriend(he came from an all-boy boarding school remember?). Finn was chanting 'Mailman, mailman' in the meantime, while Puck just wolf whistles as the kiss turned open mouthed with tongue. Mike was invisible as always.

"Quinn, you'rree sso prretty andd goorrgeeous and, and so smart! I waanna be yor gurlfrendz just so I can be like you! Like smart, pretty, like, awesome!" Rachel slurred. The girl clings onto Quinn like she's gonna die if she lets go.

"Well, Rachel, you're not! So why would I be your girlfriend! You're like so annoying and your mouth is so big and full and what you're so talented and your legs are distracting and I DON'T KNOW!" the blonde basically shouted at the shorter girl's face.

Rachel blinked twice, and then she sorta just screamed a loud, "HARRY POTTER!" followed by Blaine's, "Is awesome!"

Finn, desperate for a distraction, asked, "What's with that Rachel?" It worked. Santana and Brittany pulled back from each other with Santana sobbing and Brittany cuddling up to her. Lauren and the happy duo stopped shouting and laughing respectively, and the boys stopped whatever they were doing.

"I was just think 'n that if we went to Hogwarts, what house we would be sorted to? Like, think about it!" the brunette shouted with wide eyes, holding Quinn closer to her.

"Gryffindor! Cause I'm Harry!" Blaine shouted sitting down and bringing Kurt with him.

"Wait, wait, let's huddle up firs'!" Puck insisted. He pulled Mike, Artie, and Sam near Kurt and Blaine. Rachel scooted over to them, still holding Quinn's hand tightly. Lauren pushed Mercedes and Tina over to them none too softly. Santana was still sobbing, so Brittany carried her over bridal style.

"Okay, okay, so I've been told I was a Slytherin, so whoever think they're going there, you sit near me," he continued. Artie and Sam booed at him. The wheelchair bound boy said, "Okay, okay Ravenclaw here!" while the blond shouted a "Hufflepuff!"

"So who's the Gryffindor rep, repair, reps…" "Representative," Quinn said, helping Rachel find the word. "Yeah that! Ma' girl's so smart!" Rachel said, making Quinn mumbled a "Not your girl."

"Me, me! Oh choose me!" Blaine enthusiastically said. "No, you're more like a Hufflepuff. Go sit with Sam," Mercedes said, giggling. The curly haired boy reluctantly crawled there, pouting the whole time. "Ooh, and me too!" Brittany, whose wearing her bra, tie, an open shirt and her shorts, exclaimed, a (very) reluctant Santana letting go of her.

All of a sudden Mercedes raised her hand, making her drink (which came out of nowhere) spill all over the Gleeks. Most of them just groaned, with the exception of a strangely – although not uncharacteristically- overjoyed Brittany and angry Lauren and Quinn. Oh and let's not forget a crying-like-a-5-years-old-girl Santana.

But 'Cedes just laughed and continues on, "I volunteer! To be the honorable and the brave en' horribly dramatic Gryffindor preventative! And I do solemnly swear that I will take care of this house as long as I am Obama. ILLUMINATI!" At her drunken words, Kurt and Rachel clapped, impressed that Mercedes was channeling her not-so-inner dramatic.

Santana then proceed to push Rachel and scrambled off towards the Slytherin pile, where which a suddenly yellow scarf wearing Brittany was sat nearest to. She hugged her knees to her chest tightly, acting completely like a lost child.

Kurt crawled over to Mercedes' side, sighing. He didn't really drink at all, and drunk people don't makes sense when you're not drunk yourself. He sat near the enthusiastic diva, sighing again as he put his head on her shoulder. All of sudden he was patted on the back by Finn, who's wearing a sympathetic 'I feel you bro' expression.

"Alright, alright," Sam said in his horrible, horrible Sean Connery –or whoever it is he always makes an impression of- impression. "Who's going to the eagles' side?" The Asian-squared immediately moved to Artie's side. Puck snorted.

Just then Brittany seemed to notice what's going on in Rachel and Quinn's corner. "Heyyy, what's Rachy's doing licking up Quinnie's earlobe? I thought they're as straight as rainbows?" Puck snorted again. Santana slapped the back of his head and then cried as she cradled her claimed-to-be hurting hand. Brittany moved closer to her. "Wait no, that iss'n right… is it?"

"No, it's not. You're so Britney," Lauren interjected sourly. Most of them just stared at her in question while Puck smiled goofily for some unknown reason.

Quinn, red-faced, scooted away from Rachel and bit her bottom lip nervously. Rachel just followed her happily.

"And now Quinny ze poo can go sit in the eaglrrr section cuz ya know bro, you smart," Santana, not crying for once, said. Before breaking into sobbing fits again. Brittany is now fully pressed against her back, cuddling up to her.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?! I CAN'T STAND THIS STEREOTYPING BUSINESS ANYMORE AND I LOATHED THIS- ooh is that 'Little Women'?" Quinn yelled before being enticed by the book laying around in the ground.

Rachel is pretty sure her dads never read novels.

Puck took a sip from his whiskey concoction, wincing because it tasted like oyster. He shouted, "Ay, so the ones who arenn' sitting werr therrr supposd to is to be now sitting werr therr supposs to be." He paused. "What's a weredeer?"

Artie looked confused. "GF-stealer, can you count the people already sitting in groups? I think I did just gain four eyes," he said, rubbing his glasses.

"Artie, isn't it far too long already to call him girlfriend stealer? I mean, you have Brittany now," Finn asked. Artie frowned, "Who says anything about girlfriends? That Ching Chong Cheater Chum stole all my gem & fortune in Land of Lima!"

Sam gasped and widened his eyes, "Oh my God bro you can't just steal someone's GF!"

"What even is going on," Kurt muttered, "I'm not sure if I even want to experience high after this."

Mike rolled his eyes, "For the last time, my screen name is NOT 'C4-aka-the-asian-your-ex-slept-with-aka-yes-this-is-mike-chang-aka-hashtag-triflin'!"

"Just count it already!"

"Fine!" boy Chang shouted. "Quinn, you, Tina, and I makes 4, Puck and Santana makes 6, Kurt, Finn, Mercedes, 9, blond twin plus Blaine.. uh…" "12," Tina chimed in. "12!"

"RACHEL YOU'RE NOT SITTING ANYWHERE! MUGGLE!" Blaine screamed at Sam's ear.

"Wha? No! Amm leik a- a Slutherrine! Or- or- sumthin," Rachel scrunched her eyebrows together, scooting over to Puck.

And then suddenly after Rachel shifted in her place on the floor, a car suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs. When the doors opened, Harry, Ron, Hermione(who is totally hot), and Draco came out from the smoke. Suddenly a troll riding a dragon ate them all.

The end.

Or not. I don't know, that's what Brittany told me.

A/N: pretty crack!fic-y, huh? Constructive criticisms are appreciated ,':D