A/N: New to this fandom after watching the NBC show and I've grown to adore Lucy and Mina. Screw Jonathon and Grayson, Mina belongs with Lucy. Duh. Anyways, this takes place right after episode 6 (I think that's the one), so if you haven't watched it, you should. It's heartbreaking/amazing.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Dracula, but thanks to Bram Stoker and those at NBC for creating such intriguing characters and plotlines. But, no thanks if Lucy and Mina don't end up together... (I'm not bitter, I promise).
Enjoy! R&R!
Tucked in the corner of her large bedroom, Lucy Westenra sat in her bay window, staring aimlessly out the window. It had been four days since she attempted telling Mina her true feelings. Four agonizingly painful days.
Rain trickled down the window, collecting on the ledge outside. Lucy gazed, tracing the winding pattern of water as it paced down the glass. Outside, enormous deep grey clouds crowded the sky, rumbling and brightening her otherwise dim room with lightening. Despite the cold and the downpour, people went about as usual on the busy London streets. Lucy kept her fingertips on the window, her other hand clasped around a small glass tumbler, filled with expensive whiskey she took from her father's study. Luckily, he hadn't noticed.
Her mother however, had noticed. She would enter Lucy's room cautiously, checking on the heartbroken girl once or twice a day, but giving her room to grieve. What she was ignorant to was whom Lucy was grieving over. The blonde would never speak of her feelings aloud again. She couldn't. It hurt to even think of them, and it burned that they still existed. Her mother never chastised Lucy for liking a drink, but the blonde did her best to hide it anyway.
She tipped the glass to her lips, letting the warm, strong liquid wash over her tongue and flow down her throat. Sighing, she let the last few days run through her mind. The first day, the day Lucy confessed her emotions to Mina, she rushed home. She ran for blocks, not stopping once to catch her breath or wipe her tears. She ignored her maids' calls while bounding up the stairs, desperate to hide herself beneath the covers of her bed. Letting herself go, Lucy's body wracked with sobs the remainder of the day. Her maids came in and out, offering their services, but what help could they be? Her mother and father also expressed their concern. Lucy brushed them off, claiming she felt ill, nothing more and needed rest and silence. Mrs. Westenra was certain her tears were over Alastair, the young, rich fencer that courted Lucy. But, Lucy knew the truth. And the truth was quite simple... She loved Mina, more than she ever expected to.
Lucy took another sip, thankful she had gotten all her tears out that day and night for the next morning she declared a promise to herself: she would begin the difficult journey of detaching herself from Mina. It would be difficult, perhaps impossible, but she was determined to do it simply for the fact that Mina would very unlikely every want anything to do with Lucy again. It was that thought that broke her heart in two the first day.
The second day, Lucy laid in bed the entire day. She didn't eat, she didn't bathe, she didn't leave her room. She slept on and off, physically exhausted from her crying spell the day before. Her sleep was not peaceful, but full of awful dreams. Dreams of Mina yelling hurtful things. Dreams of Lady Wetherby laughing in her face, Jonathon glaring at her, holding Mina tight to him, the entire town spewing distasteful words in her direction. Perhaps they weren't dreams, but a foresight in what was to come.
The third day was the day she woke up and sought her father's whiskey. She ignored her maids, who repeatedly asked her if they should call upon a physician. She groaned in disgust, finding it very unlikely she would ever hear the word 'physician' again without feeling an ache in her chest. Her favorite maid, Marie, brought her lunch despite her aversion to food. A few hours later, and many drinks in, Lucy staggered over to her bedside table and picked at the fruit. She ate a few slices of apples, a bunch of grapes, and two orange wedges before the sweetness overwhelmed her. She didn't want to feel sweetness at all.
Today, the fourth day, was similar to yesterday. She had already been drinking, forcing herself to eat the slices of toast and jam Marie brought in. She had yet to see her mother, thankful her mother was finally giving her the solitude she needed. The old woman had been hovering at a distance, Lucy hearing Alastair's name through the walls. Somewhere between the second and third day of grief, a bouquet of peonies was sent over and a note attached to the vase. Her heart skipped a beat, thinking it was from Mina, the brunette knew how her best friend adored fresh peonies.
"My Dearest Lucy, I cannot begin to fully express my sorrow for losing you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust and care. There is no other like you, my love. I hope you can find it in your sweet heart to forgive for any disappointment I have instilled. I must go to tournament this upcoming weekend, and when I return, if you could give me your company for one evening, I would be ever so privileged. Yours always, Alastair."
The peonies ended up over the balcony, smashing dramatically to the ground in the parlor, the note torn to pieces.
Lucy pressed her fingers into the window once more, the chilled glass a familiar feeling she felt in her heart. Actually, as each moment passed, or perhaps as each drink passed, Lucy descended further into a numbing state. Her mind grew blanker, more foggy, as if her consciousness was attempting to flush out the memory of her love for Mina. She allowed it, guiding it with the aid of her favorite liquor. She refilled her glass, the decanter on the floor next to her. She didn't bat an eye, when she heard a faint knock on the front door downstairs, she merely took another sip, returning to her pastime of tracing the rain.
Mina Murray nervously bounced on the heels of her feet while she waited at the front door of the Westenra household. She was shivering from the cold rain, her teeth chattering as she tried to think of the words she wanted to express to Lucy. She hadn't seen her friend in the last four days, by far the longest the twosome had ever gone without speaking.
Lucy's confession was so many things. It was contradictory. On one hand, Mina was shocked. On the other, the more she thought about it, the less surprising it became. Each day, she grew more disturbed by how oblivious she had been. Her heart broke for Lucy, unable to imagine how her friend must feel. And unable to further imagine how she could repair the damage that had been done. Mina cursed herself for treating Lucy the ways she did. She was harsh, and unkind. It was not like Lucy had treated her horribly, or crudely. Lucy had confessed her crush in such a desperate and loving way, and Mina just pushed her away out of fear, uncertainty, and shock. Mina had accused her of having ulterior motives, falsely interpreting Lucy's intentions as dark and perverse. She hated that she had reacted the way she did. She should have been more understanding, or try to be understanding. Lucy had never showed Mina anything more than love and caring, and she had acted so wickedly toward her longtime companion.
Mina rapped on the door again, hoping Lucy was here. Marie the maid opened the door carefully, ushering Mina in immediately once she recognized her. Just as Marie was taking Mina's coat, Mrs. Westenra entered the parlor, a relieving sigh escaping her. "Oh, thank the heavens, Mina, you're here," the older woman exhaled dramatically. "I don't know what to do with her. She won't eat, she won't speak. Alastair sent her this gorgeous bouquet of peonies with sweet note and she rejected them."
It took Mina a second to realize what Mrs. Westenra was hinting towards. "Al-Alastair?" She asked for clarification, thanking Marie for taking her coat. She tried to hide her nervousness by rubbing her hands up and down her arms in an exaggerated attempt to warm up.
Mrs. Westenra knit her brow tightly, her fingers resting upon her chin. "He's been courting Lucy for weeks. She told me days ago they quarreled, that he would no longer be calling on her."
Mina swallowed dryly. Her eyes were fixated on the second story hallway, darting between Lucy's door and Mrs. Westenra's fatigued expression. "Days ago?"
The older woman nodded, tapping her chin with her finger. "Yes, mhmm, about four, no maybe five days ago? Regardless, she's been in a fit ever since. I'm so grateful you're here. Where have you been? Planning your wedding, I presume?" Mrs. Westenra's features brightened at the thought of Mina's engagement, secretly wondering when Lucy's time would come.
Mina couldn't remove her eyes from the door, "No, uhm, I've been at University, may I go up?"
Mrs. Westenra shot Mina a concerned look, "Of course, dear. I insist," she paused, grabbing Mina's free hands. "I'm uncertain what has come over my daughter. Heartbreak, illness, depression... please just fix her." She released the younger woman's hands, beginning to walk away but turned to face Mina before exiting the parlor. "If she doesn't improve within a few days, I'm afraid she may require... professional help. I just pray that dear boy Alastair come to his senses soon; Lucy is such a wonderful and brilliant child. I admit she can be stubborn, but she deserves happiness," Mrs. Westenra said through a sad smile as she drifted into the adjacent library.
A twisting feeling formed in Mina's stomach at the words spoken by Mrs. Westenra. She was right, Lucy did deserve happiness, and in someway Mina wished she could give her that happiness as she stepped up the stairs. She approached Lucy's door carefully, as if she were coming across a wild lion in the jungle. She rest her head a moment on the wooden door, cursing herself to stop trembling. After a moment, she gained the courage to knock.
Tap-tap. No answer. Tap-tap-tap. Silence. She took a big breath before twisting the brass knob, using her free hand to gently guide the door open, peeking cautiously inside as she did. She saw Lucy perched in the bay window, staring out, a glass of brown liquid in her hand and a half empty decanter on the carpeted floor. She felt a lump develop in her throat at the sight.
Lucy's bed was a complete disarray, as was most of her room. The blonde wore a robe over what Mina presumed to be her nightgown, her golden waves carelessly flowing over her shoulders. Her room smelled of old fruit, stale bread and alcohol. Mina stepped closer, lightly, unsure of how to disturb Lucy and wondering if coming here was a good idea in the first place.
"I ate the toast, I don't want anymore, so please take the tray and tell my mother to stop sending you," Lucy said absentmindedly, downing another taste of liquor, ignoring whom she assumed was Marie with a lunch tray.
Mina's breath caught in her throat as she opened her mouth to speak, she stuttered, unable to find words. "Uh, it-it-it's-"
Lucy snapped her head around, anger in her eyes, surely driven further with alcohol coursing through her veins. "It's what? Just take the tra-" Lucy stopped mid-sentence, dumbstruck.
"It's me," Mina said softly, her hands still holding her arms. She wanted to say more, begin her tiered apology, but seeing Lucy's face was a blow to her heart. The blonde sported newly developed darkened circles underneath her normally bright blue eyes that now appeared to be a dull grey. Her cheek and collar bones were more prominent than usual, suggesting her lack of appetite. Her skin paled, her formerly shiny hair now ashen and unkempt. "Oh, Lucy," Mina finally managed to gasp out.
Glaring, and trying to hold back the tears she thought had long dried up, Lucy shook her head, scoffing. "Do not look at me like that, I do not need nor will I tolerate your pity. You need to leave-"
"Lucy, darling, please," Mina urged gently, enclosing apprehensively. Lucy ignored her, returning to her former position toward the window, her thumbs rubbing her glass anxiously. "Please, let me speak to you about... the other day."
"I shan't speak of that day ever again, do you understand?" Lucy sneered, an internal battle of sadness and anger dominating her heart. "It is incredibly stupid for you to be here-"
"Stupid?" Mina questioned, offended. "I'm trying to-"
Lucy shot back the rest of her drink, Mina close enough to smell the alcohol radiating from the blonde. "Trying to what? Mend the pathetic scraps that remain of this friendship? Save it, Mina, spare me your words. Take them and leave, there is nothing to mend here." Lucy meant to say the words cruelly, but Mina heard the break in her voice as she spoke assertively.
Mina couldn't help it, her lip quivered at the thought of losing Lucy forever. "I wanted to apologize for how I reacted, I was harsh, but just... surprised, you must understand, Lucy."
Placing her glass next to the decanter, Lucy stood and retreated to the other window, running a trembling hand through her hair. She had a very certain feeling Mina wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. "I understand," she forced herself to say, "And, for that, you must go. I cannot bear to look at you."
The brunette held back a choked cry, Lucy's words full of pain and sincerity. "You may understand, but I do not. Please, let me understand. Let me help you-"
"Help?" Lucy spat, narrowing her eyes at Mina. "I do not need your help. There is nothing here for you, I am nothing, nothing to you! I shall not stand here and beg for your understanding or forgiveness when it no longer matters. I will not fight for your friendship, for the only thing you could possibly understand is that things will never be the same between us. No matter how either of us wish it so."
"How can you be so hostile with me? You've lied to me, betrayed me!" Mina spat back, feeling a fiery anguish build inside her.
"Betray- you cannot possibly be serious," Lucy scoffed. "I withheld the truth to protect myself! I knew you could never feel the same way, so I tried to push my feelings away. You could never fully comprehend how difficult this has been for me, you're too distracted with your studies and Harker."
"You never gave me the opportunity!"
"Oh, really? And, had I brought up the subject in a more mature manner, what would you have done?" Lucy proposed, her eyebrow arched. Mina glanced down at her hands, biting her lip, unsure what to say. "Ah, see? You would have reacted the exact same. There is no happy ending here, Mina, not for me at least."
It was all Mina could take. She let her tears spill onto her cheeks, sinking to the ground, her skirts fanning out around her. She was so extremely frustrated with the entire situation. Mina hated how Lucy had kept this secret from her, but did understand the reason behind it. Lucy was right, what would have Mina done if Lucy had sat her down and confessed her love in a calm manner? It's not like she would have returned the love, not in the way that Lucy desired. Mina grasped the complexity and discomfort of their predicament, but she was desperate to maintain their friendship.
She buried her face into her hands, her muscles tensing with every cry. "I can mend this, let me mend this," Mina pleaded, peering up when she saw Lucy slowly sit a few feet from her. She hadn't heard it, but Lucy began crying as well. "Whatever it takes, Lucy, dear. Anything, I'll give you anything, for I cannot bear the thought of living without you."
Lucy wiped her tears with the edge of her robe sleeve, her chest tight and heart breaking all over again. She almost laughed lightly, "Dearest Mina, you cannot give me what I want, and that is my headache. Not yours. I was unfair to place you in this position, and I deeply regret it. I never meant for it to happen, Mina, you must know that-"
Mina only nodded in response, wanting to reach out and hold Lucy, but uncertain how the blonde would react. Mina knew it would be uncomfortable for a while between them, but she was sure they could work things out.
It practically tore Lucy in half speaking the next sentence. "I think it best for us to go our separate ways-"
"No!" Mina raised her voice, suddenly angry over the serious tone of Lucy's voice. "No, you do not get to decide to unravel our friendship. That is not fair!"
"Fair?" Lucy said louder, "Fair? HA! What isn't fair is watching Harker treat you like a delicate little flower, shaping you to be his perfect little housewife, pretending to support you, when I have always supported your dreams wholeheartedly, Mina. Always. I have fostered your independence, encouraged you and loved you for years. It is unfair for me to plan this wedding, to sit and watch you chase after marriage to Harker while I pine for you from a distance! That is truly unfair!" Lucy's chest was heaving from her speaking so quickly. She was growing more enraged with the entire situation. She hated Harker for having Mina. She hated that Mina would never love her back. But, more so, she hated herself.
"I'm so sorry, Lucy, I'm truly, deeply sorry," Mina whimpered, putting forth a tentative fingers, searching for Lucy's hand. Lucy crossed her arms defensively, more tears spilling from her eyes. "I cannot let our friendship go, Lucy. I won't."
"Mina, darling, I do not wish to hurt you so, but I cannot pretend anymore, not when you know now... Continuing this," Lucy motioned between them, "will hurt both of us far too much."
Mina sat quietly for a moment, her hands fiddling with the hem on her skirt, her eyes drawn to the elaborate beading. "Do you remember when we went to France? The entire month before we left, you were desperate for Belgian chocolate, even though you dislike most chocolate. But, you said it would be the best chocolate in the entire world and we waited until we arrived in France to taste it. We bought some at the little cafe across the street from the hotel, and after eating it, you said it wasn't very good at all. Have you eaten Belgian chocolate since?"
Lucy shifted uncomfortably, completely unsure why Mina was bringing up Belgian chocolate. "N-no?"
"You said it was bitter, too rich and dark. But after tasting it, that was it. That was all you needed, just to try it once and realize it wasn't what you wanted or even expected after all," Mina moved closer, her skirt meeting the edge of Lucy's robe.
Lucy's tears had dried, and she was growing frustrating with Mina's chocolate story. She was ready for another drink. "Mina, dear, what does my dislike for the Belgian's chocolate have to do with anything?"
Mina reached and forced Lucy to hold her hand. Her cheeks were sticky from drying tears, her nose and chest flustered and pink. "To mend us... If you try me, you will realized I'm not really what you want."
Lucy's eyes grew big, in disbelief. "I cannot believe you. I am not a joke, Mina. I will not be mocked-"
"I'm not mocking you!" Mina defended.
"You can't possibly believe in that brilliant brain of yours that somehow being with you could make this problem go away, could you? Do you not remember I tried to kiss you days ago! How did that turn out?! Did I suddenly realize how stupid I've been to think you could ever love me the way I love you? I came home and professed my feelings to Alastair, shouting from the rooftops that I've been magically healed of my abnormality?" Lucy said sarcastically, completely offended.
"You're not abnormal," Mina corrected, closing in on Lucy's personal space. "Please, we've got nothing more to lose, darling. I don't care of awkwardness between us, because not having you in my life would certainly be worse." Lucy only rolled her eyes, feeling the tears start to well in her lids. "If you kiss me, just once, you'll see."
Lucy felt a single tear run down her cheek and slipping from her jaw, landing on her chest. She had a sadly sweet smile on her face, an involuntary and silent 'thank you' to Mina's generous offer. However, she knew better. "Darling, I'm almost too certain if I kiss you once, I'll want to do it again and again," Lucy said, laughing lightly.
Mina's shoulder slumped at the rejection. For a tenth of a second, she felt dejected by Lucy's refusal, and wondered if that was how Lucy was feeling, only in a greater magnitude. "I hate to see you hurting so deeply, and I hate even more that I am the cause of your pain," the brunette whimpered out.
Lucy leaned back on her arms, staring at the window, uncaring whether her tears flowed freely. There was no point in hiding her tears, for Mina too had trickles of water dancing on her perfectly pink cheeks. "I will admit, it is a rather strange contradiction... you bring me such joy, yet, cause such a terrible feelings of sadness, pain, anguish... rejection-"
The brunette let out a choking sob, "Oh, Lucy! Do not tell me such things! I'm such an awful monster already, destroying my best friend's heart-"
"They say 'time heals all wounds', perhaps I just need time... a rather long period of time," Lucy added, sniffling and forcing a tight smile. Mina's lip quivered. She hesitated for a moment before clumsily crawling to Lucy's side and gripping her around the waist tightly, crying into the crook of the blonde's neck. She trembled in Lucy's grip when the blonde pushed her back by her shoulders. "Mina, please, don't. I can't bear it."
"So, what? I'm supposed to never touch you again?" Mina whined. Holding Lucy was the only way she knew how to comfort her, yet she was being denied.
"And you think I do not want to touch you? I always want to touch you!" Lucy spat, quickly realizing how inappropriate it sounded by the startled look in Mina's eyes. "No, I did not mean for it to sound that way. I just- I meant, how everything was before- dancing, dressing... sleeping together, I-I-I," Lucy stuttered, unsure how to speak without making her intentions sound sensual in nature. She exhaled sharply, opening her mouth to speak, Mina cutting her off instead.
"I understand what you're trying to say," Mina said calmy, a sincerity behind her eyes. "And the other day, when I said that about us being together... I didn't mean to make you feel or sound perverse... That was wrong of me."
"Mina, I would never do anything, again," Lucy said sadly, wondering if she should have agreed to Mina's kissing proposal mere moments before. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry."
"I should be," Lucy corrected. Mina sat in front of her, their knees touching and the brunette gradually slipping her fingers between the blonde's.
Mina sighed frustratingly, "Sorry for what? For supporting me? Protecting me? Sorry for loving me? No, darling, don't be sorry for that. Be sorry for keeping it from me, although I understand your hesitations. That is what upset me most-"
Lucy's mouth dropped slightly, allowing her fingers to intertwine with her friend's. "I am sorry for ruining our friendship," she uttered softly.
The brunette's lips turned downward at the statement. "It will only ruin our friendship if we let it."
"How could you possibly accept my abnormality? How could you bear this great secret?"
Mina took a stronger grip of the blonde's hands, staring into Lucy's eyes so genuinely it almost made Lucy fall in love all over again. "Lucy, I may not love you in the way that you wish... But, I do love you. You are the furthest from abnormal to me, and most certainly would never reveal your secret. Not to anyone, not even Jonathon... Well, especially not Jonathon. You deserve an abundance of happiness, and I... I wish I could give it you, genuinely, but, I can't. And I am sorry for that. I'm sorry you've suffered so unnoticed," Mina paused, wiping a tear from her own eyes. "So, can we please try to repair the damage we've done?"
Lucy swallowed thickly. It was really the first inclination Mina had given that she never would have feelings for Lucy and it burned. It melted her insides and she could feel it pool to the bottom of what was left of her heart. "I'll do my best, however, I would still like a little time to myself. Just for a bit until I can... get a hold of my emotions."
The brunette didn't believe Lucy. She was still afraid Lucy wanted to cut her out of her life, and was unsure if Lucy was confident in her words. "Lucy, I love you, you are aware of that, yes?"
Lucy gathered her nightgown and robe in her hands, burrowing her face into them as she brought her knees to her chest. "Please, don't say those words to me, not when they don't mean what I want them to. It's too hard for me, Mina. They're better left unsaid-"
Mina placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, regretting making things harder for her friend. "I won't say them until you want me to," she added softly. "Just know that I do, and I always will."
Nodding in her hands, Lucy sniffled and shivered. She tensed when she felt Mina get closer, the brunette hesitant to physically comfort Lucy. The blonde felt Mina's unsure hands as they wrapped gently around her shoulders in an awkward hug. Lucy stiffened at the contact, wishing she would stop crying. She hated crying. She allowed her head to rest on Mina's shoulder, her tears dripping off her cheeks and nose onto the blue dress of her friend. Mina pulled her closer, one hand carefully swaddling the head of blonde hair, the other moving softly up and down Lucy's back.
Lucy was whimpering at the contact. It was both pleasant and bitter at the same time. She knew things between them were going to be different, but she always cherished the physicality of their relationship. And, not in a sexually charged manner. She enjoyed the sense of contentment when she was in Mina's arms, the feelings of love and safety. So, knowing the physical aspect of their relationship would perish the most, Lucy allowed herself to grip onto the back of Mina's gown, holding her for what she presumed would be the last time.
After a few more minutes, Lucy's eyes dried and she forced herself from Mina's hold. Even after crying, Mina looked so lovely. Her cheeks were rose-colored and trails of dried tears were visible. Her lips were pink and swollen from the constant worrying on them. And her eyes, her beautiful eyes, shone sadly surrounded by their dampened lashes. "I'll be fine," Lucy whispered at last, forcing a small smile.
Mina's lip quivered as she spoke, "Whatever you need from me, just ask."
Lucy couldn't help but laugh lightly at the statement. She needed Mina to love her back, and just as much, but that was overly impossible. "Thank you, darling. I think I need some rest, all this girlish, silly crying is quite physically taxing," Lucy poorly joked, attempting to stand and helping Mina to her feet.
Uncomfortable, Mina shuffled a few steps toward the door, her eyes on Lucy as she retreated back to her position in the bay window. She wanted to see if Lucy was going to fix herself another drink, but after a few moments, she determined her friend was too exhausted for another glass. Walking toward the door, Mina stopped just short of turning the handle. She reached around her neck, flicking the clip of her necklace. It was a cross, simple and silver, an extremely cherished gift from her mother. She was already wearing Jonathon's cross he'd given her when she proposed, and figured having two was just selfish. So, she removed her necklace, dangling it from the candle holder on Lucy's bedside table. She set it so quietly, the blonde hadn't heard, her gaze still fixated on the outside world.
Mina left the room, quietly grabbing her coat downstairs and exiting the Westenra home as fast as she could accidently bumping into a delivery boy who carried a large bouquet of red flowers. As she trudged down the street, her mind was whirling. About Lucy, about Jonathon... and wondering whom those flowers were from.
Hi again, so thanks for reading if you made it this far. I planned on only making this a one shot and will continue with that mindset unless there's a demand for more (so, uhm, review and follow to boost my ego!). I apologize for any mistakes, I was anxious to post this.
By the way, for you curious cats out there, I'll give you a hint. The flowers weren't from Alastair.
P.S. Does anyone have any news to whether NBC will cancel Dracula? I've read/heard different things. :( if they do...