Trigger warning- self harm and self hate
Phil's P.O.V.
I woke up this morning and it was unusually quiet, no pacing or t.v. or even existencial crisis moans. It was just quiet. I was always such a late sleeper and Dan was always up so early, getting ready for videos and other things, the lack of noise was unerving. I get up to check on Dan, maybe he was just sick or something. I walk towards his room where I here a muffled sound, almost like he was crying. I knock on the door and the noises cease and it's quiet again. Dan asks in a hushed voice "what is it?" You can tell that he was crying by his voice. I asked if I could come in and said I could, I just had to wait a minute. Dan calls for me to come in and as I open the door I am overwhelmed by the feeling of sadness, I'm not particulerly empathic, but it was so obvious, even before I saw him. I open the door all the way and I see Dan on his bed with bloodshot eyes and bags as if he hadn't slept for a week. I ask him whats wrong, he says "nothing." I told him that if nothing was wrong, why was he crying. Dan says that he got dust in his eyes and I internelly scoffed, no one looks that bad after having dust in their eyes so why is he lying to me. I look at him again and notice that he is wearing longsleeves even though it's summer and it's like eighty degrees in here. I ask him why he's wearing longleeves and he say's that he's cold. "Are you sure?", I ask. He got so angry about why I was asking so many questions and kicked me out of his room. I went to my room, sat down and contemplated what was happening.
Dan's P.O.V.
I woke up feeling cold, like I had since the beggining of the month. It's been getting so hard to keep it all inside. I want to die, yes I'll admit it, but only to myself. No one else would understand or they'll treat like an existencial crisis, but it's different. At first I thought I was having an existencial crisis, but then it got worse and worse and all I wanted to do was hurt myself. I tried not to, I honestly did; but it became to much and I couldn't help but make my body feel the pain in my head, so I cut, I can admit that to myself too. When I sleep I am plagued with nighmares of myself and words that repeat in my head over and over again. "You're broken" "You deserve to die" over and over again until I can't take it anymore. I can act cheerful but only for so long before I shatter again. I stopped trying to pick of the pieces only because when I broke again it hurt more than the cuts that litter my arms and wrist. My only salvation was a knife, a knife met only to be used against intruders. I guess i'm an intruder to my own mind then. I was crying over the new cuts on my wrist when Phil knocked on the door, I stopped crying and wondered if he could hear me from outside the door. I quickly covered my wrist with a longsleeved shirt. I let him in. He definately heard me, I can tell from the look in his eyes. He asked questions and each one made me so mad, I don't even no why. I yelled at Phil. I sent him from my room and immediatly colapsed into tears again. What if he hates me now, what if he wants me to leave? What will I do then? I need Phil to be here, he's the only one keeping me here. I need to apologise. I walk to Phil's room and knock, almost immediantly he tells me to come in. I open the door with my head down and my bangs hiding my eyes.
Phil's P.O.V.
I here a knock and I know it's Dan, so I tell him to come in. He has his head bowed and his eyes are towards the floor, his brown hair is covering them though. I stand up from my desk where I was editing a video. I walked over to him and asked what was wrong, I assumed something was wrong since he looked so sad. He said something, but I couldn't quite catch it. I asked him what he said and he flinched, flinched, not cringed. Something was seriously wrong with Dan and I had to get to the bottom of it before something seriously bad happend to him. If something happend to him I don't know what I would do. I was caught up in my musings but I heard Dan say that he was sorry for yelling at me and it won't ever happen again, he started rambling about how he was being stupid and I was astounded at all if it. I raised a hand to stop him and he shrunk back from me as if I was going to hit him. I quickly but my hand down and looked at him in astonishment. How could he think that I would hit him, I would never do something like that to Dan, ever. I care about him to much to lay a hand against him. He looked up at me expecting me to hurt him, he backed up and left my room while looking at me with that wounded look. That look, it struck a cord inside of me. I never wanted to see that look on Dan ever and I will make sure I don't ever see it again.
Dan's P.O.V.
I apologised but he couldn't hear me, He asked me to repeat what I said and I flinched. I was expecting hurtful words that matched the ones in my mind, but they didn't. I repeated my apology a little louder, but then I started to ramble on parts of the mantra in my head, about how worthless and stupid I am. He raised a hand to hit me, wait no to quiet me and I shrunck bad from him expecting pain, expecting to be hurt. He put his hand down and looked at me in astonishment. Was I stupid enough to think that Phil would hurt me, Phil who wouldn't even hurt a pigeon. I am so stupid to think that. I backed out of his room while looking him in the eyes. I didn't miss the suprise in his eyes suddenly turn in to sadness. I'm horrible, I made Phil sad. I pull out my knife and begin to cut with the words "It's all my fault" buzzing through my head.
TBC