How I think, and perhaps, hope things will play out. This was written before the appearance of Frank, and I decided not to change things.
DOORS
The rich, warm scent of coffee tinged with peppermint filled her nose. Alex Eames raised her eyes from her computer screen and spied a large red and white cardboard cup on her desk. A smile appeared on her face.
"Peppermint mocha? With an extra shot?" She sensed rather than saw the large presence of her partner just behind her. "You're going to spoil me," Alex said as she turned her attention back to her work. "Fancy coffee every morning…" She turned and gave Bobby Goren a smile.
He returned the smile as he sat down across from her, and Alex thought she hadn't seen him in this relaxed state for a long time.
"And when I got here this morning," Alex continued. "All of the paperwork was done."
Bobby tilted his head towards her. "It's only a little of what I owe you, Eames…"
"Hey…we're ok…there's no need for you to feel guilty," Alex said cheerfully. "But I'm not complaining if you keep bringing me things like this." She tipped the coffee cup to Bobby.
They worked in a companionable silence throughout the morning. Captain Ross approached their desks at one point and engaged Alex and Bobby in a discussion of their latest case. Alex noted that both Ross and Bobby made special efforts to be civilized to each other.
"I don't mean to snoop, Goren," Ross said as he rose to leave. "But how's your mom?"
Bobby's grip tightened on his pen. "She's…she's doing ok, Sir," he answered quietly. "Thank you for asking."
"Good," Ross said. "Just remember…you need any time…you ask for it."
Bobby nodded. "I know…thank you, Captain."
Alex felt a small wave of relief as Ross walked back to his office. Since his explosions at Thanksgiving, Bobby had worked to stay focused and in control. He treated Alex with extraordinary sensitivity, even greater than his concern for her in the early days of her recovery from her kidnapping ordeal. Coffee and chocolate appeared magically on her desk; she couldn't remember the last time she'd actually had to buy lunch. He had heartbreakingly apologized to her and tried—really tried—to restore and maintain their partnership. There were still gaps between them—Bobby remained reluctant or unable to share many details of his mother's condition and his reaction to it. There were many evenings when he could not be with her to help Alex ward off her fears and she was forced to deal with the terrors on her own. But he still came when he could to hold her and whisper to her that she was all right, that he would protect her and help her.
Chewing on her pen, Alex carefully studied Bobby. He was gaunt and clearly in need of sleep, but his hair was neatly cut and combed, his suit pressed and his tie straight. She decided to chance a question.
"Your mom," she said as she leaned forward. "She's really ok?"
Bobby looked away from his computer screen at her; Alex saw gratitude in his eyes.
"Well," he said tentatively. "Better is relative. But she finally trusts the doctors and nurses who're treating her for the cancer…" He hesitated and turned to stare again at the computer screen; Alex sensed he was struggling with a decision. She plunged into the possible abyss.
"How bad is it?" she asked as tentatively as he'd answered her first question.
His hands hovered over his keyboard. He took a deep breath and turned to her. "She…she's dying…unless there's a miracle…" He smiled wanly. "And you know I don't rely on those…"
Alex moved her chair closer to Bobby; what was happening between them was far more important than what anyone might think. "How long do they think…"
"They aren't sure." Now that he had started, it seemed easier for Bobby to talk to her. "It's difficult…what with all the drugs….there's…a lot of unknown…things…"
"You know," Alex said. "You don't have to be here…You heard the Captain…."
Bobby glanced at her. "Truth is, Eames…I welcome the work…I can usually handle the work…My Mom…It's hard…"
Alex felt as if his few words had sprung open a large, locked door.
"Yea," she said cautiously. "The job…It can save you…or hurt you…"
Bobby's dark eyes briefly bore into hers. "Yea," he nodded.
"You going to see her tonight?"
Bobby shook his head. "No…My brother…he's with her …" He sighed. "Or at least he's supposed to be with her…." He looked sadly at Alex. "It's better if I stay away…"
Alex saw a door close and lock in front of her. "Enough," she thought. "I've pushed him a lot…and he's given a lot…"
"Don't worry," Bobby said as if in response to her thoughts. "I'm…well, ok would be an exaggeration…but I can handle it…"
It was one of those rare days Alex had come to appreciate; a day when paperwork dominated their lives and New York City's criminal population appeared to have decided to take a brief vacation. Alex and Bobby finished their paperwork and plopped it on Ross' desk. They rode the elevator to the parking garage together; Bobby hesitated slightly as they stepped into the grey and dim interior.
"It…still spooks me a little," Bobby said in response to Alex's concerned look.
"It was nice," Alex said as they approached their cars. "To have a normal day…"
"Whatever that is," Bobby said wryly.
They reached her car first, and Bobby waited until she was safely behind the wheel before moving to his vehicle. He didn't usually drive to work, preferring to rely on the subway and Alex, but his frequent trips to visit his mother now meant that he needed his car nearly every day. Alex backed out carefully—during her first week at Major Case she'd nearly run over Captain Deakins when she pulled too quickly from her space—and drove slowly up the row. She paused when she reached Bobby's car; he was just slipping his key into its door.
Alex rolled down her window and checked to make sure the garage was empty. "Hey," she said. "Can I call you tonight…or would you like to get something to eat?"
The harsh ring of Bobby's cell phone echoed in the garage. He shrugged as an apology and pulled out his phone. Alex saw his face darken as he saw the number; she turned off her engine. Bobby turned away from her as he answered the phone. Alex watched with a sickening sense of dread as his body shook and began to collapse; if he hadn't had the support of his car, Bobby would've slumped on the cold, concrete floor.
Alex rushed from her car and towards Bobby. He sensed her coming and raised a large hand to keep her away. Uncertain of what to do, she stopped inches away from him.
"Yes," Bobby said into his phone. "I understand." Alex couldn't see his face, but his voice was low and strained. "You…you have the paperwork…yes…I'll be there…As soon as I can…"
"Oh, God," Alex thought. "It's his mom…"
"Thank you…again…I'll be there." Bobby shut and pocketed his phone. He leaned heavily against his car. Alex cautiously stepped closer to him.
"Bobby," she whispered.
His head turned slightly towards her. "My Mom…she died about fifteen minutes ago."
Alex heart fell. "Oh, Bobby…I'm so sorry." She tentatively laid her hand against his back; even through the fabric of his overcoat and jacket she felt his muscles quivering.
"They…they aren't sure what happened." His voice was flat; he might have been reciting the facts of a case. "They think it was a heart attack…or stroke…" He faced Alex; there was a bitter smile on his lips. "She was always afraid of a stroke…"
"What can I do?" Alex asked simply.
His eyes couldn't meet hers. "Could you let Ross know?"
"Of course," she nodded.
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I…I need to get to Carmel Ridge…"
Alex gently held his arm. "Do you want me to go with you?"
He stared at her in amazement for a moment. He trembled and suddenly wrapped his arms around her. Alex thought she might fall to the concrete if she hadn't had Bobby's car to support her. She returned his hug; Bobby didn't cry or sob, but he held her tightly. They remained together silently for several moments until Bobby sighed deeply and reluctantly pulled away from Alex.
"You're…extraordinary," he said in a husky voice. "You…you shouldn't have to deal with this…After all I've put you through…done to you…"
"We're partners…friends," Alex answered in an equally husky voice. "And you've helped me…It's what you do…"
"It…it doesn't seem a fair exchange." Bobby stared at his feet.
"I…I don't think we need an accountant for this," Alex said softly. She touched his arm. "Just know…I'm here…whatever you need."
Bobby swallowed and resumed rubbing his neck. "It's…It's wonderful of you, Alex…but…I…I think…I need…a little time…alone…Please…please understand…I appreciate it…more than you know…but…I…I think I may need you more later…if I could…" He stopped speaking, suddenly lost.
Alex realized several more doors had opened for her, and she moved to keep them from closing.
"Of course you could," she said quietly. "Whatever you need, whenever you need it." She placed her hands on Bobby's chest; he trembled, but didn't pull away. "I would appreciate it," she added. "If you could call me tonight…" Alex didn't want to frighten him, but she wanted Bobby to know that she needed as well as cared about him.
His hands found hers and covered them. "You…you don't mind? You want me to call?" Alex could barely hear his voice.
She leaned forward so that her head was just beneath his chin. "Mind, Bobby? It's as much for me as for you…"
He breathed deeply. "I'll call you…I promise…"
They reluctantly stepped away from each other.
"I…I have to go," Bobby said. He turned to his car but hesitated before he opened the door. "I just wish," he said softly and as much to himself as to Alex. "I just wish I'd been with her…"
Alex again touched his arm. "There was someone?"
Bobby smiled bitterly. "My brother." He shook his head. "My brother who's seen her maybe three times in the last ten years…He was with her when she died…" He glanced at Alex; the bitterness had left his expression, replaced with a weary sadness.
Alex wrapped her arms around him. "Call me," she whispered. "Call me or I will call you until you answer."
"I…I will," he answered. He slipped from her arms and slid into his car.
She watched him drive away before turning to her car; as she opened the door, Alex saw Captain Ross approaching.
"What was that about, Eames?" he asked. There was no accusation in his voice, only concern.
"His mom," she answered. "She just passed away."
Ross digested the information for a few moments. "How is he?" he asked in a sympathetic tone.
"I think…he's a little numb," Alex said after a moment of consideration. "A little upset he wasn't with her…but doing pretty well, all things considered…"
"I suppose there are no details about the arrangements…"
Alex shook her head. "Not yet…but Bobby's promised to let me know."
"Good," Ross said. "Please…keep me in the loop…and let Goren know he's got our…my…support…whatever he needs."
"I will, Captain," Alex said gratefully as she stepped into her car.
She spent a restless evening. As she had many evenings following her ordeal, Alex leafed through her photo albums. She realized it had been some time since she had placed recent pictures in one, and as she lifted a newer album several photos and clippings fell from it.
"Oh, damn!" Alex muttered as she knelt to scoop up the stray items.
They were clippings and photos from the past few years, and Alex smiled at a picture from the early days of her and Bobby's partnership. It had been snapped at some formal function or another soon after their first great triumph. At the time Captain James Deakins had never met a camera he didn't like, and he beamed as he stood in front of his detectives. The photo caught Alex looking at Bobby with a mixture of irritation and awe, while Bobby appeared to want to be anywhere except where he was. Alex studied some of the remaining photos. Many showed Alex and Bobby receiving various awards and commendations, together at various functions, and even one catching them goofing off in the squad room. One of the most recent came from Deakins' farewell party—everyone in the photo appeared to be making horrible and desperate attempts to be cheerful. The next picture Alex encountered showed her and Bobby at yet another celebration—"The time we've wasted at those," Alex thought—and Bobby gazing at a smiling Alex in a mixture of wonder, admiration, and…
Alex blinked and swallowed; the photo fell from her hand.
"Love," she thought. "He loves me."
Stunned, she sat motionless on her couch. Her sister's words from several weeks ago rang in her ears. She'd arrived to exchange several photos with Alex and commented on her sister's lack of a social life.
"It's no wonder you haven't been on a date for so long, Lex," she laughed. "The only men in your life are your nephew and your partner."
"Oh, God," Alex thought. "One of the reasons I was so hurt when he told me to "back off"…Why all of this has been so hard…He's in my life so much…I trust him…When I was hurt, I wanted him…When I'm still scared, I want him and no one else…I love him…oh, no…I love him…"
She stood suddenly, sending the photos and clippings to the floor. "Not my partner," Alex thought as she paced. "Not my weird, mixed-up partner with the dead mother and the jerk of a brother and the trust and commitment issues. Not the single worst person I could love…Not…" She took a deep breath and ceased her marching. "My gentle, sweet, kind, tolerant, brilliant, funny partner…" She collapsed on the couch. "Oh, God…" she whispered. "Please…please help me…"
She sighed and gathered the photos and clippings back into the album. As she slipped the leather bound volume back into its place on a shelf, Alex glanced at a clock. She frowned; it was late, and Bobby hadn't called. She took this as a bad sign, and various scenarios of worsening possibilities raced through her mind. She tentatively picked up her cell phone and weighed calling Bobby.
"He wouldn't," she thought. "Couldn't…hurt himself…There are people to help and protect him…His mother's doctors and nurses…His brother…" She gnawed on a fingernail. "But he's never gotten along with his brother…" She stared again at the phone.
The ring of her phone startled her so much that she dropped it and wasted several rings before she recovered it. It was not Bobby, but one of her sister-in-laws. Alex loved all the members of her family, but Megan was one she didn't always like. Megan had a good heart, but frequently failed to realize not everyone shared her interests and desire to talk forever about nothing (Alex's father once commented that a minute on the phone with Megan became an hour, and that hour sometimes felt like two). Alex could usually maintain at least a civil tone, but on this evening she didn't event attempt that. She gave Megan a quick and curt goodbye and hung up.
"She'll cut me some slack," Alex thought as a small dot of guilt rested in her stomach. "Everyone's been cutting me some slack…I might as well take advantage of it…"
Her phone rang again.
"If that's Megan again," Alex thought. "I'll find some appropriate torture."
"Hey." Bobby's voice was hoarse and low and rough.
"Bobby." Alex nearly choked with relief. "Are you ok?"
"I…I…I'm outside your door…"
Alex leaped to her feet and rushed to the front door. She threw it open to reveal an exhausted looking Bobby Goren. His eyes were dark and lost, his body slumped. His upper lip was cut and swollen, and the knuckles on his right hand burst and bleeding.
"Oh, God," Alex thought. "He looks awful…"
Alex swallowed. "Hey," she said softly. "Come in."
Head down, Bobby scuttled through the door. "I…I'm sorry," he whispered as Alex helped him off with his coat.
He seemed unable to say anything more. His clothes were disheveled; his tie gone and dirt spotted his pants; his shirt missed several buttons.
"C'mere," Alex said gently. "Let's take a look at that lip and your hand…"
She sat him at the kitchen table, found the first aid kit, and began taking care of his wounds. He said nothing, not even wincing when she dabbed disinfectant on his lip and knuckles.
"So," Alex finally said. "What does the other guy look like?"
He stared at the table, and Alex feared she might have moved on forbidden ground. A weary smile crossed Bobby's face.
"The other guy was my brother. And I'm not sure what he looks like…last time I saw him, he was sitting in the middle of the hospital's parking lot." His free hand tentatively touched his lip. "Mom would be so proud…Her sons show up with bruises at her funeral…"
Alex touched him tentatively on his shoulder. "It's a little late for coffee. But I've got plenty of stuff…the place is still well stocked because of my family and you."
"Iced tea would be fine," Bobby said. "I'm in no shape for any alcohol, and the milk in your fridge is usually in a toxic state."
Alex smiled as she poured the tea and handed it to Bobby. He winced slightly as the cold liquid hit his lip, but drank it gratefully. Alex sat next to him at the table. He deliberately sat the glass on the table and took a deep breath.
"Thank you, Alex…for not pressing…for…for just…just being here." His voice was low and husky.
She longed to hold him, to wrap her arms around him and comfort him, but she settled for gently placing one of her hands over his. "It's all right." She was surprised at how strong her voice sounded when it was so difficult for her to speak.
Bobby stared at their hands. "Ross knows?"
"Yes." Alex decided to wait for Bobby to explain his lip and knuckles. "He said…anything you need, Bobby. And he meant it. And my family…they're all ready to help you…"
Bobby glanced at her in surprise. "Your family is amazing…" He leaned forward and placed his elbows on the table; he rested his head in his hands. "It…it wasn't…You imagine how these things will go…It's always better and worse than you expect…" His voice was low and calm, but Alex could hear and see the effort it took for Bobby to control his feelings. "My Mom…she'd made arrangements a long time ago…the Carmel Ridge staff knew…her doctors and nurses…they're so patient and kind…" He unconsciously gripped her hand. "At first…my brother…It was ok…We settled on the arrangements…It wasn't hard…like I said…She had everything planned…But when we left the building…He…he wanted to get a drink…and I…I…" Bobby looked up at Alex. "I just wanted to talk to you." He looked down again at the table. "I…I'm not sure what happened…We started arguing about going to a bar…and then…He's always had this idea that Mom has all this money hidden somewhere…She doesn't…didn't have anything…But he started on that…And it…all the stuff between us…It exploded…"
"So, you had a fight," Alex said simply.
Bobby smiled weakly. "It wasn't much of one. He threw the first punch…It's how I got this." He pointed to his lip. "But he forgot I'm not his "little" brother any more…and that he's over fifty and out of shape…I dropped him with one punch…unfortunately…" Bobby gingerly flexed his hand. "I got him on the teeth…I left him on his ass in the parking lot…" His grip on Alex's hand grew tighter. "There were times," he said softly. "I would've given anything to have seen that…to have been able to do that…but…now…I didn't feel…I felt…feel…ashamed…" His head dropped on his arms. "Oh…Alex…Alex…I'm so tired…I don't know…My Mom…"
Alex watched as Bobby threw open the doors in his head.
"I want to grieve." His arms muffled his voice. "But all I feel…all I can is…relief…I hope…it's for her…that she doesn't have to suffer any more…but…if it's only for me…what kind of son…is relieved…when his mother dies?"
Alex slid from her chair to kneel beside him. "You," she said firmly. "Are a good son…a good man."
He turned his head to face her; his eyes shone with pain.
She took refuge in the mundane. "When is the funeral?"
He was relieved at the change of subject. "Day after…no wait…it is tomorrow, isn't it? Tomorrow morning…at ten…There's a little Catholic church not far from the hospital." He sighed. "Somehow…she stayed Catholic all of these years…It was part of the argument with my brother…He didn't think anyone would come…or care." Bobby ran his good hand through his hair. "He may be right…He's probably right…but it's what she wanted."
Alex placed her hands on his knees. "Will there be a wake?"
Bobby shook his head. "No…just a visitation before the Mass." He pulled a card with the funeral home's information on it from his pocket and handed it to her; he stared at her. "Aren't you…isn't that…a little uncomfortable?"
Alex smiled and slid back into her chair. "I was ok, but thank you." She still held one of his hands. "I'll let everyone know. Do you…do you want flowers? Or donations?"
Bobby raised his head and straightened in his seat. "Donations," he said quietly. "To the hospital or mental health organizations. She…she liked flowers…but she always told me…the money should be spent on more tangible and permanent things."
They sat in a surprisingly comforting silence for several minutes.
"I'll have to change everything," Bobby said suddenly. "My insurance…stuff like that…Mom was my beneficiary…I don't know who…I guess I can drop some of it…"
"My nieces and nephews are mine," Alex said. "It seems right."
"Yea," Bobby said. "It does."
He stared again at their hands. "I…I just realized…I don't have anyone…to take care of any more…except…maybe…"
Alex, her breath caught in her throat, watched as another door slowly unlocked and swung open for her.
"You." He whispered the word so softly she scarcely heard him.
She slipped again from her chair to kneel beside him. "You've…taken very good care of me lately."
He shook his head. "I…I was responsible for what happened to you…"
She clutched his hand. "We've been over that, Bobby…You had nothing to do with that…You were in the way, just like me…"
He didn't look at her. "And lately…I…I…"
"You've been here…when you can…when I really needed you…"
He shivered. She tentatively reached up to touch his cheek. Bobby involuntarily turned into her touch and then, wide eyed, tried to pull away. Alex caught his head with her other hand.
"It's ok, Bobby…It's all right."
He ceased trying to escape her, but his eyes were dark and troubled. "Alex…we can't…we…"
"I'd say we're way beyond "can't"," Alex said softly. "I don't know about you, Bobby…but I'm way beyond "can't", "don't", and "shouldn't"."
Shock, fear, and hope filled Bobby's eyes. "No…Alex…you're too…good…too strong…and I…I…"
Alex looked in his eyes. "I love you." It was suddenly very easy to say. She reached for him and wrapped her arms around him. He stiffened for a second and then collapsed.
"Forgive me, Alex…I love you…I've loved you since…since I knew you would stay…maybe before that…" The words tumbled from him, and Alex thrilled as his last locked doors sprang open before her. "But…but…there were and are…so many things…not just regulations…but my mom…me…There's so much wrong with me…and you're…wonderful…the thought you could…" His eyes bore into hers. "And now…this is a terrible time…I can't give you…take care of you…"
"Bobby," she said gently. "Who takes care of you?"
"What?" He seemed unable to process the question.
Alex took a deep breath and moved back into her chair. She leaned forward and took Bobby's hands in hers. "You try to take care of everyone," she said softly. "Your mom…me…victims…hell, you even try to take care of the perps…But who takes care of you?"
He blinked at her in confusion. "I…I'm supposed…I'm supposed to take care of…It's…It's my job…I'm…I take care of myself…It's…what a man…"
Alex leaned as close to him as she could. "Bobby, you're a strong, remarkable, brilliant, good man…but you're just a human being. You deserve…You deserve to have someone to take care of you…Please…please let me…let me…"
"I…I don't know how," he said simply.
She brushed an errant curl from his forehead. "Ok…let me teach you…"
"Alex…It's such a bad time…"
"Love," she said quietly. "Doesn't always show up at the perfect time. In my experience, it never does."
"I can't think…right now…There's too much…I…I just…want to get through the next couple of days."
His voice was full of exhaustion, and it broke Alex's heart.
"Maybe," she said as her thumb tenderly rubbed the back of his head. "You could start letting me teach you how to let someone take care of you?"
There was a long silence. Finally, Bobby looked up at her. "Ok," he said.
"All right." She stood and held out a hand to him. "C'mere…"
She led him to her bedroom and helped ease him out of his clothes. Bobby, in his T-shirt and boxers, allowed her to tuck the covers around him. She discarded her own clothes, slipped on her own large T-shirt, and slipped beneath the covers next to him.
"What do you need to do today?" she asked as she rested a hand on his chest.
He lay on his side facing her; she could just make out his face in the dim light.
"I need to meet with the priest who's going to do the funeral Mass," he said calmly. "To pick out the readings and hymns. And tell him something about my Mom for the eulogy. And I need to finalize the plans with the undertaker. It…it shouldn't be too much…like I said…My Mom had made plans."
"And your brother?"
Bobby rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. "I…I don't know…I really don't care. I know what Mom wanted…that's what I'll do…I can't worry about him…"
She raised her body up on one arm and gazed down at him. "I'm going with you."
He looked up at her. "You…you don't have to…"
She stopped him by brushing her hand across his cheek. "I take care of you…Remember?"
He sighed. "My first lesson, uh?"
"Yea." Alex smiled and curled against him.
He wrapped his arms around her. "Ok."
END