It had been about a week now since Decim's eyes had changed, since Chiyuki had left. Human eyes signified emotions. A strange link to everything that had been foreign to him. Emotions bring with them a certain unpleasantness, pain. Pain was an entirely new concept for him. He had never felt pain before, nothing physical and certainly nothing emotional. This void was something new entirely. Emptiness, sadness, loneliness, pain. Every human that stepped through Quindecim had experienced these emotions, but never Decim, never the arbiter. How ironic really, a judge who could never understand the judged. Pathetic. That's how he felt when she had confronted him, attacked the way he did things. Attacked everything he believed to be right. Puppet and master…master and puppet. Who controlled who? He simply obeyed those above him without a second thought. It was how things were supposed to be. But now…now everything had changed he could never go back to the way things were. Her presence shattered the realm of Quindecim and he was left to sift through pieces.
The same thoughts invaded his mind constantly. Hashing over everything leading up to Chiyuki's judgement. Things that couldn't be changed, lives that couldn't be saved. Endless questions about what she was doing now and where she was. It was all too much. Glancing over at the mannequin mimicking her form he felt repulsed. An urge to destroy it seized him. But no….he couldn't. He couldn't destroy the only remnant of her existence that remained. Emotions were tiresome, irritating. They gnaw at you from the inside out demanding to be acknowledged, refusing to be left alone. He glanced into the reflection of the glass he was cleaning. Eyes peered back at him. Human eyes, not the cross-shaped irises that separated the supernatural from the natural. Could an arbiter become human? Could a puppet become flesh and blood and coexist with humans? Be one with them?
What even was human? Was it only a matter of a beating heart and a network of veins delivering blood, oxygen…life. Or was it much more than that, something transient. Something that couldn't be readily defined. He set the glass down. The object reverberated off the walls of Quindecim, echoing throught the hollow realm. It was a slow day. Plenty of time to contemplate, think, ponder. Perhaps too much time. Setting one hand on the counter and one where a heart should be he wondered what it would feel like to be alive. To be fully human. A heart, lungs, a pulse. In place of a hollow frame filled only with the memories of forgotten patrons, a life.
Yes, that's all an arbiter was. A puppet fashioned from the memories of humans. No, you aren't allowed to be human only to resemble one. A fraud. As far as he knew he was the only arbiter capable of emotions. A differentiation from the rest. These emotions had wreaked havoc. Ruined the order that constructed this world. An upset, anarchy. What could he become?
What could they all become? Would he be destroyed? Being too close to a human was strictly forbidden. The changed he felt inside himself was mostly internal, but still significant. One step closer to being fully human, if such an outcome was even attainable. And oh! How could he forget! His memories, soon they would be wiped. Soon the mere memory of her would be gone. There would be no hope of progress then. Her memory was the driving force to becoming human. The motivation, without her it was hopeless. The slate would be wiped clean again. Room would be made for the new souls, same routine. He simply could not let it happen. Glancing down absently, he realized he had been gripping the counter so tightly his hands were white. Slowly he let go, the feeling returning to his hands. It couldn't happen, not like this not after everything that had happened. "Ding, Ding" Two guests arrived from the elevators. Reality reared its ugly head again and Decim knew he must commence with their judgment. His duty called him. Later, he promised, I will resolve this. I will focus on my job at the present, but I will succeed in saving her memory without fail.