Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.
50 Ways to Annoy Hunith (Merlin's mother)
Tell her Merlin's been taking relationship advice from a dragon.
Tell her you know she was secretly relieved when Merlin's friend Will died because she thought they were too close.
For added effect after 2), ask her if she noticed that when Will was dying, Merlin was stroking his hair.
Tell her that you applaud her sending Merlin off to Gaius, but it's too late, the damage has been done. Merlin is gay, all because he didn't have a father figure.
Casually slip into a conversation – "So, your son's been writing "Merlin Pendragon" all over his notebooks..."
Tell her Merlin's been spending a lot of time in the stocks and you think he's developed a bit of a fetish.
Tell Gaius that Merlin is too much of a mummy's boy. Make sure this gets back to Hunith.
Say "Sshh! Merlin's shagging Arthur!" Then pretend to hastily to correct yourself and say "Oops! I meant – sshh! Keep the magic secret!"
When you're about to leave, say "Oh, Arthur sends his love by the way." When she looks confused, or asks why, say "Well, he is going to be your son in law soon, you know!"
Tell Hunith she doesn't need to make sure Merlin eats his greens anymore, because he's having sex with a prince which has to be even better for his health.
Tell her Arthur thought her oatmeal goop was awful.
For added effect after 11), add "But that might be because the only thing he's willing to taste in the morning is the semen of his dark haired servant boy..."
Tell her it's no wonder Merlin's happier in Camelot – it has gorgeous women and handsome princes and knights. All her little village has is farmers...
Tell her those bits of hair hanging down are so last year.
Tell her you bet Kanen calling her sweetheart was the most action she's had in years.
Ask her if she's a Merlin/Arthur fan girl, or if she prefers Merlin/Lancelot or Arthur/Lancelot.
Tell her you thought her passionate plea to Uther wasn't very convincing.
Replace all her clothes with "I love Merthur" t shirts.
Repeat her words – "Promise me you'll be careful. No one can find out about you." Making it sound like she knows that Merlin is gay.
Sing a song about Merlin and "Puff the magic slash dragon".
Tell her that Merlin's really settled well into his new role...as Arthur's bitch.
Tell her that her son is very popular. "He seems to be caught in a love triangle with Arthur and Lancelot..."
Leave a long list of Merlin/Arthur slash moments for her to find.
Agree with Hunith that Arthur does care for Merlin, a great deal. A great, great deal.
Ask her if Merlin and Will used to have a lot of "lover's tiffs".
When she questions you on 25), add that Merlin acts like a woman – he asked Will "Why are you being like this?"
Ask her if she shed a tear when Arthur gave his speech...not because it was so inspirational, but because she saw the look Merlin and Arthur exchanged...
Put on a meathead voice, raise a sword and shout "Ealdor! Ealdor! Ealdor!"
When Hunith is within earshot, mimic Merlin's grief-stricken voice – "And if he doesn't accept me for who I really am, then *dramatic pause* he's not the friend I hoped he was."
Send her a "Deepest Sympathies" card and write inside "Sorry you ended up with such a weedy son."
Tell her Merlin's been asking her to send the rest of his spell books over. Say "He's been looking for a lubrication spell." Shrug. "I don't know what he could possibly want that for."
Take her aside and confess in hushed tones that the other day you overheard Merlin singing "I kissed a boy and I liked it."
Ask her to knit a pointy hat for Merlin.
Tell her it's Merlin who's been stealing her Cosmopolitan magazines.
Comment "Merlin would be lost without his hand wouldn't he?" When she makes a comment about you referring to his magic, say "Oh. Yeah. His...magic." *shifty eyes*
In response to any disapproval she shows of Arthur and Merlin's relationship, remind her that she told Merlin he belongs "at Arthur's side" which translates to "I give you permission to marry him."
Tell her Merlin is pregnant with Arthur's child.
Thank her for not sending Merlin to Hogwarts. Tell her he would have been picked on for being so sensitive. Though he would have kicked Voldemort's ass.
Tell her that Merlin likes rat stew and he wanted her to make him some. Hand her a "fresh rat" and accidently drop it onto her floor.
Ask her if she knows that her son is secretly consulting a dragon and then ignoring everything it says anyway.
Tell her you think Merlin has a fine career as a court magician ahead of him.
Ask her with raised eyebrows if anything is going on between her and Gaius. Loudly. In front of Merlin.
For added effect after 42), if Hunith denies it, add "I think he likes Uther anyway..."
Tell her she mothers Merlin too much and she should give him some tough love. Then add "Oh wait, Arthur's got that covered..."
Tell her you think it's time she had the talk about the birds and the bees with Merlin.
For added effect after 45), persuade Merlin to play along up to a point.
Have Merlin hide in a closet then come out of it when she walks by and say "Hi mother. I've decided to come out of the closet," and smile so innocently that she thinks he can't realise what he's saying.
Dare her to go up and kiss Uther on the cheek.
Scrawl "Merlin and Arthur forever" on a tree you know she will see.
Turn your nose up at her food.