Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.
50 Ways to Annoy Gwen
Walk up to her and say – "So! Lancelot, Arthur, and Merlin! You player Gwen!"
When she is nearby, pretend you haven't seen her and begin singing "Arthur and Merlin sitting in a tree! K I S S I N G!"
Tell her you know she fancies Merlin – "Ask Merlin, you know I'd grant you anything." Bat your eyelashes and clasp your hands together whilst saying this.
Tell her you know Arthur is missing a mother figure, but that doesn't mean she has to lecture him about not eating his breakfast.
Engineer it so Gwen walks in on Merlin and Lancelot kissing and then ask her if she is upset or turned on.
Tell her yellow really isn't her colour.
Ask her if Gaius had a hard on when she was hugging him. Remind her that she should stay away from predatory older men.
Mimic her "Could Arthur be any more annoying?" then say in mock response "Not any more annoying than you Gwen with your stupid nineties throwback lines!"
When you are talking to her and Morgana about Merlin's close brushes with death, bring up the moment when he thought he was going to die – comment on the fact that not only did he go to see Arthur first, but that all he said to Gwen was that she had a "heart of gold" or something along those lines, and you knew Gwen was thinking "Damn! I wanted him to say I had a hot body!"
Make a plushie doll of Merlin and leave it for Gwen to find. When she tries to pick it up, make it so that a plushie of a dragon drops down and says "Back, foul maiden! This young warlock's fair skin shall be touched only by one young prince!"
Ask if she and Morgana are "close".
"In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name...Merlin. His lover...Arthur." Repeat this constantly.
Ask Gwen if she has actually done anything useful at all for Camelot except brushing Morgana's hair and bringing Gaius medical plants because he's too old to be dashing for them himself.
Tell Gwen you know she likes hugging Morgana more than she should.
For added effect, after 14) add "But it's alright, because Lancelot likes hugging Merlin more than he should..."
In front of Morgana, Arthur and Merlin, run up to Gwen and tell her you found her "To do" list – "Wash Morgana's dresses, have sex with Arthur, kiss Morgana to see what it feels like".
Tell Gwen that you think of her, Morgana, Merlin and Arthur, she's probably the most masculine...because Arthur's obviously a closet homosexual.
Commence humming, and later singing "I wanna have your babies" by Natasha Beddingfield, whenever Gwen is talking to Merlin or Lancelot.
When both Arthur and Merlin are within obvious earshot, ask Gwen whether she prefers alpha or beta males.
Tell her you know she had an ulterior motive for tending to Merlin when he'd been poisoned – she wanted to rub the parts of him under his clothes with that wet cloth.
Mess up her room. When she accuses you, say "The dragon did it."
For added effect, after 21) when she asks why, say "It considers you a threat to all the happy fangirls out there."
Get into an argument with her, then finish it by yelling "You're just jealous that Merlin/Arthur/Lancelot is prettier than you are!"
Persuade Arthur to go up to her and say "I've been told that you want to hold my sword Guinevere." *sexy eyebrow raise* "Is that true?"
Tell her you know that she smells Merlin's neckerchief when he's not around because she likes his scent.
Mimic her words to Arthur. "Because I have faith in you." Then descend into a lovesick declaration. "Your eyes! Your blonde hair! The way you hold your sword!"
Jump out and call her a witch at every possible opportunity.
Sneak up behind her and play a taped recording of Arthur saying her full name, like he did the time in Kanen's village.
Tell her Merlin/Arthur doesn't like girls with curly hair.
Tell her Lancelot has returned and say – "He really wants to see you Gwen. In fact, he's been hoping that...you could introduce him to Morgana."
Plant some of Arthur's underwear in her room, then accuse her of being a pervert.
Tell her it's a good job she's not around Gaius' patients a lot, if she kisses them every time they recover from being poisoned...
Ask her if Merlin has ever walked in on her kissing Morgana.
Ask her if she thought Lancelot was any good in Heroes.
When Gwen is within earshot, tell whoever you are talking to loudly that you knew Gwen couldn't possibly have magic...because she simply isn't pretty enough.
Plant her diary in Arthur's room, open at the page where she has written all about how much she likes him.
Say to her "Look, Gwen, when Arthur said after your father died if there was anything he could do for you, to let him know, he didn't literally mean anything. Stop taking advantage of him!"
When she is talking to Merlin, dance up to them and start singing "Could it be Magic".
Say to her "Well, Gwen, you're great, but you're not quite pretty enough for a princess according to Merlin..."
Tell her she should go on Blind Date with Merlin, Arthur and Lancelot, to help her choose between them.
Tell her if she keeps wearing that red cloak, a wolf will eat her.
Tell her you know she watches Morgana sleep.
Take her to see the dragon, and say "Slash dragon, this is the girl who wants to split up Merlin and Arthur. Get her!"
Have Merlin and Arthur dance together in front of her. If Lancelot is there, he can dance with Morgana.
Say to her "Guinevere, before your father died, he wanted you to have this." Hand her a button.
Tell Morgana confidentially she should let Gwen leave her duties earlier today..."because she had secretly planned to go watch Arthur train with the knights, and get all hot and sweaty..."
Every day find some way to squeeze the words "The half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole" into your conversations with her.
Ask Gwen casually if she is a witch. When she says no, say that you just noticed that she always seems to magically become invisible to Arthur whenever Merlin is around.
Ask her if she ever bathes with Morgana.
For added effect, after 49) say "Oh, Merlin wanted to know, that's all."