Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run, but it stays right by my side

He is here again, it is late and he is hammering his fists against the door. It is raining outside. Mercer no longer opens the door when this happens. I know who stands outside, soaked, a wild look in his eyes.

James has me pushed against the wall the minute I let him inside and he kisses me savagely. He is drunk. I can smell it on his breath, taste it in his mouth and see it in his eyes. I could get lost in this man with every one of my senses.

So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Once again he is the man that came to me holding the heart of Davy Jones, quite literally. I should have known then that it would take more than the uniform of an Admiral to mend his heart and spirit and it would take a long time to do so. At the time, though, I had no idea that I would be the one to at first involuntarily undertake the task.

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

The first time James turned up at some ungodly hour of the night I made the mistake to care, to usher him inside and to allow him to sober up and sleep in the guest room, but that was quite the opposite of what he had in mind. Suddenly his lips were on mine, tearing in a most demanding savage way that left me breathless. His breathing was harsh as well, his erection pressing against my leg. Just like now.

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

We are both undressed by the time we arrive at my bedroom and James pushes me through the door roughly, without a care. What we do can't possibly be called love-making. He bites and nips and growls and I shouldn't like it, it should hurt, but I do nothing to prevent it. I writhe and moan in pleasure and in pain.

So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
don't want your greed
Don't want it

Tears spring to my eyes, though, as James penetrates me without lubrication and I cry out. I know he draws pleasure from the sounds, it arouses him, evident in the way his thrusts speed up and he rams home with a force that threatens to shatter me. He thrusts until he spills his seed inside me with a raw cry and collapses on the bed next to me in a daze.

I'll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

I lie shivering and bleeding, vulnerable to the world and the man who lies beside me. As James comes down from his post-coital high his head turns my way and his eyes behold what he has done. I turn my head to look at him as well and I smile weakly to show that I'll be alright, because I know of the fear and remorse, the self-loathing that I will see in those deep sea-green eyes which are suddenly open as lagoons, no longer cold and empty as they were before.

It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, holds you
holds you until it sleeps

James weeps as I hold him while we lie curled around each other under the covers of my bed. The pain in my body slowly subsides while James' pain has only just been laid open once again. Sobs wrack James' body while he tells me over and over again that he is sorry and that I should throw him out on the streets to the swine where he belongs.

I don't do it. I don't know why, but I just can't let go of James. Even as he drowns in self-hate my arms tighten around him and I whisper soothing words to him until he finally sleeps. Some nights he has nightmares and I wish I could make them stop, other nights he sleeps silently and lies still as a corpse. But the mornings are always the same, in the mornings he is always gone before I awake.

I'll tear me open,
make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps