Have You Ever?
This is dedicated to all the Courteneyians. Parts in italics are flashbacks, and I'm aware its confusing, and I apologise! The dates are as accurate as I can make them, but if they're wrong, they at least show whether it's the past or present. I don't own these characters or make money from writing fanfics. This fic was originally NC-17 rated, but because the plot is more important, I deleted the sex scenes. I hate that ff.net has decided not to host NC-17 anymore, if people don't like it, they don't have to read it. And the filtering means they're not gonna come up unless you want them to. So I've signed up at www.fandomination.net, where you will be able to read the entire thing, porn and all ;) just as soon as I upload it. And Ashlee's site still has the original version as well (www.geocities.com/ashleestar1)
Anyway, here's the edited version. Where its appropriate for the story I've summarised what happened in the deleted scenes in brackets.
*2014*
Monica lay in bed staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. Her hands were clenched into fists and she was willing herself not to cry. The moans coming from the next room grew louder. Monica bit her lip. She could hear Chandler grunting and recognised he was close. The woman screamed as she came. Monica almost screamed too, but in hurt, anger, and frustration rather than passion and pleasure. She put her hands over her ears to try and block out Chandler's inevitable yell of release but she heard it anyway, and knew that he wanted her to hear.
It wasn't until she heard Chandler's snores filtering through the wall that Monica relaxed enough to fall asleep. And even when she did, she tossed and turned in her sleep, as she had grown used to doing.
Monica was woken just before six am by the sound of Chandler and the woman having sex. Monica groaned and buried her face in the pillow. She always reacted worse in the morning when she was vulnerable. At least at nighttime she was anticipating it and could brace herself for it. Waking up to it first thing in the morning caught her off guard.
She allowed herself a few stifled sobs then forced herself back under control. She bit her lip and tried desperately to ignore them, but they became louder and louder, as if they were determined to stop her from avoiding hearing their pleasure.
The woman who Chandler made love to in the next room was called Gemma. She was twenty years younger than Monica, with should length auburn hair that curled gently and grey eyes. She was the sister of one of the guys Chandler worked with. Monica supposed she was a nice enough person, but hated her for stealing Chandler. Ok, so things hadn't exactly been great between them for the last few years, but she had once still hoped they'd be able to somehow work through their problems. The minute he brought Gemma into her home, Monica knew working things out wasn't an option anymore, and it broke her heart.
Gemma had no real idea of why the living arrangements were as complicated as they were. Monica herself wasn't sure she understood how they had got to the point they were at now. Things seemed to have spiraled out of her control. She wasn't even sure if Chandler was in control of the situation anymore.
The day passed quietly as usual. Mealtimes were always awkward; Monica and Gemma wouldn't speak, both Monica and 11-year-old Kimmy stared daggers at the newcomer. Eight-year-old Chris sat quietly, only talking to his mother and sisters. The only people who would speak to Gemma were Chandler and Holly, the baby of the family at five years old.
After dinner, Gemma went out to watch a movie with her friends. Once the kids were all in bed, Chandler and Monica were alone downstairs. She felt nervous, and hated herself for it; she and Chandler had known each other for twenty years, there was no reason for her to be nervous in his company. But she was.
She was just finishing drying the dishes when she felt Chandler's arms go around her from behind and his warm breath on her neck. She schooled herself not to tense and shy away from his touch.
"I want you Monica," he whispered. She closed her eyes and sighed inwardly. He thought that meant she wanted him too.
"Didn't you get enough from her?" Monica asked icily, pushing her way out of his arms. Chandler sighed and grabbed her again, pulling her to him so they were face to face.
"Mon-" he began, imploring her to…what? Forgive him? Understand him? Forget what he had been doing less than 24 hours ago? He scanned her face for some sign that she knew what he was trying to convey and found none.
Chandler kissed Monica's cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and eyelids, as softly and tenderly as he used to before everything went bad. She closed her eyes and, despite herself, enjoyed the shower of little kisses. When he found her mouth, she let him kiss her without giving it a second thought. His hands moved from her waist down to her butt as he pressed her tighter against him. Monica found herself twining her arms around his neck and keeping his lips pressed against hers. She kissed him back hungrily, angrily, jealously. It had been months since Chandler had felt so much passion from his wife, and it turned him on much more than her usual reluctant passive acceptance.
Monica had never expected when she got married that sex with Chandler would ever be a chore. But for the last few months, that exactly what it had been. But now as his erection pressed against her it felt like a promise, not a threat. She could have stayed there kissing him forever, it seemed so long since they'd kissed like this. But Chandler started work on the buttons of her blouse and she didn't stop him.
Chandler enjoyed sex with Gemma. He didn't just do it out of spite towards Monica, but spite was always an element he couldn't escape from when he was with Gemma. No woman could ever compare to Monica. Not even one who was as young as Gemma. Monica was just as beautiful now as the day he married her. Her breasts were slightly fuller since the birth of their children, but her stomach was still flat. The few pounds she had gained over the last few years were noticeable only to Chandler, and he thought they made her sexier than ever.
(edited to fit R rating. Chandler wanted to have sex in the kitchen, Monica didn't. He almost raped her but changed his mind and persuaded her by making her want it as much as he did.)
He collapsed on top of her when he was finished and Monica didn't mind his weight crushing her to the cold hard kitchen floor. When their breathing had slowed down and their hearts had stopped racing, Chandler awkwardly moved off her. She almost wished he wouldn't. When he was buried inside her she could forget that he wasn't hers alone. The rest of the time the thought of her rival plagued her and refused to be shaken off.
"I love you," she said, pulling him back for a passionate, desperate kiss. When they moved apart again, Chandler smiled at her.
"Love you too," he answered. With Monica's gorgeous blue eyes looking up at him, begging him to choose her, to love her and her alone, he was ready to break it off with Gemma and make the effort to work on things with Monica. The trouble was there was no way for either of them to know whether the longing they felt now was real or if it was just because of the intensity of the sex they'd just had.
"We should probably-" Monica started, gesturing to the stairs. This time, Chandler agreed and helped her pick up all their clothes and go to Monica's bedroom.
When she heard Gemma come home and go up to bed, Monica made sure she and Chandler had sex again as loudly as possible. She wanted Gemma to know that just because Chandler had another woman in his life, he still loved Monica and they still had fantastic sex, better (she hoped) than any Chandler and Gemma shared.
Chandler sort of sensed what Monica was doing. It was pretty obvious she was trying to make Gemma jealous, as he assumed Monica was when he was with Gemma. But with his beautiful wife pouncing on him to make love to him, he wasn't too bothered about her motivation.
Monica fell asleep happy and contented in her husband's arms. Chandler breathed in the soft smell of her as she slept, before drifting off to sleep himself.
* * * * *
*2003*
As far as Monica could see, everything had been fine right up until Kimmy was born. They'd been madly in love until then, and she supposed even after the baby, they were, they just had trouble showing it. With 2am feedings, Monica leaking milk everytime Chandler went near her nipples when they were having sex, and having another tiny person taking up all their time and energy all meant they had less and less time for each other. The gang helped out with babysitting when they could, but Ross and Rachel's daughter Emma was a year old, and they were back together and fully occupied with their own lives. Joey and Phoebe were as flakey as ever, but tried to help out both couples when they got the chance.
Although they were both aware that things weren't as perfect as they had invisioned them, neither Chandler or Monica realised quite how bad they'd gotten until they spent 3 hours screaming insults and accusations at one another while Joey held a screaming Kimmy and tried to calm her and fight back his own tears. Chandler and Monica were oblivious to their friend and to their own daughter until Joey gave up, put Kimmy down in her crib and physically pushed Monica into the bedroom and Chandler out into the hallway.
As soon as she was alone, Monica was horrified at the way she'd acted. She couldn't believe she'd ignored Kimmy crying for so long, and her daughter's cries from outside the bedroom made her feel even worse. She was embarrased that Joey had seen them fight like that. But the worst thing was, she couldn't even remember why they'd started fighting in the first place. She was willing to bet it was something tiny and insignificant though. That's how most of their fights started, something little that became a reason for them to vent their pent up anger and frustration with each other.
Chandler was at first angry with Joey for interfering, then he realised how long he and Monica had been yelling at each other without any real reason. Something about him not sterilising Kimmy's bottles properly, which had resulted in him calling her paranoid and obsessive and things seemed to have spiraled from there as they wandered away from the original problem and screamed at each other about all the things they'd kept quiet about for years, all the other one's habbits and quirks that could either be loveable or increadibly annoying.
Monica quietly left the bedroom to go see to her daughter. Joey glared at her when he saw her and Monica felt herself blush and couldn't meet his eyes. She took Kimmy from him. The poor thing had a soaking wet diaper and was hungry. Monica gave her a pacifier to calm her down so she could change her before she fed her, which helped a little. Ignoring Joey she changed Kimmy on the mat on the floor. The baby's screams subsided a little and Monica picked her up and started to feed her. She breastfed Kimmy most of the time, but pumped her breastmilk into bottles so Chandler could share the nighttime feedings and could look after Kimmy on his own when Monica was out on her own.
Joey still hadn't gotten used to seeing a woman breastfeeding, even after seeing two of his best friends doing it, and he looked away awkwardly. Chandler came in sheepishly. Joey looked up warily, in case Chandler and Monica started to fight again, but Chandler smiled gently to see his wife and daughter together.
"Mon, I'm sorry, I don't know what's the matter with us," he said, walking slowly over to them.
"I'm sorry too. I think we're both just tired and stressed and taking it out on each other," Monica said. Chandler nodded. Joey breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"You guys shouldn't fight when Kimmy's here," he reproached them.
"Sorry baby," Chandler said, kissing the top of his daughter's little head gently. Monica smiled at him.
"Joey, thank you so much for today, but would you mind babysitting a little longer?" Monica asked, not taking her eyes off Chandler. Joey laughed and rolled his eyes.
"Sure, just, um, finish," he gestured in the direction of Monica feeding Kimmy, "first okay?" Monica laughed.
"Oh, so you won't breastfeed her for me?" she asked, feigning disappointment.
* * * * *
*2014*
Back in the present, Monica and Chandler had sex again in the morning. Monica was amazed that Chandler could be so horny when he was having so much sex. Not that she was complaining of course. She wondered if he was like this with Gemma, changing suddenly from cold and careless to hot and passionate. Or if that could only be the product of years of ups and downs, like she and Chandler had been through.
Monica couldn't resist giving Gemma a smug look at breakfast, which Gemma pretended not to notice. Monica was pleased when Chandler spent most of the time chatting casually to her, ignoring Gemma. Chris seemed much happier than usual, he had picked up on his mother's cheerfulness and was relieved she wasn't so miserable as she usually was these days.
But once breakfast was over and everyone else had gone out, Monica began to wonder if whatever it was that she and Chandler had shared last night could last. She hoped that it would. But she knew the next time he went into Gemma's room instead of hers she would be more jealous than ever because she had been reminded of her love for him.
* * * * *
*2005*
When Chandler came home from work, after staying late for a meeting, he found Monica sat at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, while Kimmy ran round the apartment wearing only her diaper, singing loudly.
"Mon?" Chandler asked softly, putting his hands on her shoulders. She sat up and leaned back against him. "You ok sweetie?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, Kimmy's been hyper all day and she's driving me INSANE, that's all," Monica explained, trying to keep her voice light.
"Kimmy, come here," Chandler said, raising his voice so his daughter could hear him above the noise she was making. Kimmy ran fulltilt into Chandler's legs. He scooped her up and tried to calm her down a little. Monica sat helplessly in her chair. "Now, did you have your bath yet?" he asked the squirming two year old. She shook her head, giggling. "Then its bathtime for you young lady," he said, carrying her into the bathroom.
Left alone in the kitchen, Monica rubbed her temples. She adored her daughter, but sometimes wished it wasn't her who had responsibility for the child twenty four hours a day while Chandler was working. She hated how Chandler could just stroll in and take over and get Kimmy to do something Monica had been trying, and failing, to do for the last few hours.
When Chandler and Kimmy came out of the bathroom, Kimmy was wrapped in a fluffy white towel in her father's arms, and Chandler was almost as wet as his daughter. Chandler was surprised not to find Monica in the kitchen, but didn't worry about it. He took Kimmy into her bedroom to get her dressed and ready for bed.
Twenty minutes later, Kimmy was wearing pjs and was sitting in bed, listening to Chandler read her a bedtime story. She yawned sleepily. Her earlier hyperness had worn her out.
"Will Mommy come kiss me goodnight?" she asked when Chandler had finished the story and closed the book.
"I'll just get her. Night night darling," Chandler said, kissing Kimmy on the nose. She giggled and hugged him.
"Night Daddy."
Chandler hugged her again then went to find Monica. She was in their bedroom, putting away some clean clothes. She looked tired and harrassed.
"Mon, Kimmy wants you to go say goodnight," he told her.
"I will, just let me put these away."
"I'll do that, you go see her," he offered.
"She can wait two minutes! I've been chasing round after her all day," Monica said.
"Mon, she's only two years old," Chandler reminded her gently. He tried to hide his surprise and Monica's annoyance, wondering if she had PMS or if something more serious was wrong.
"I know that! But you're not the one home with her all day when she won't stay still or quiet for one single second!"
"Are you mad at me for going to work?" he asked, trying to understand what she was arguing about.
"No," she sighed.
"Then what is it?"
"Nothing!" she snapped. She threw the rest of the pile of clothes onto the floor and stormed out of the room. She paused outside Kimmy's room to try and calm down.
"Night Mommy," Kimmy said sleepily as Monica went into the room quietly.
"Night night baby," she said, sitting on the edge of Kimmy's bed and kissing her forhead. Monica sat with Kimmy until the child was asleep. The soft warmth of her sleeping daughter was soothing and she forgot how angry she'd been just a little while ago.
"Mon, what's the matter?" Chandler asked, as soon as Monica returned to their bedroom. He was sitting on the end of the bed, looking concerned. Monica noticed the clothes lying exactly where she'd dumped them.
"I thought you said you'd put them away," she said, walking over to them, picking them up and starting to put them away.
"Leave it Mon," Chandler said, frustrated that she wouldn't talk to him.
"It'll only take a few minutes," she insisted. She was shoving the neatly folded clothes into drawers carelessly and angrily rattling the hangers of the things she put in the wardrobe.
"Then will you tell me why you're so upset?" Chandler asked.
"I'm not upset."
"Then why are you acting like this?"
"Like what?"
"Like you're the two year old, not Kimmy," he snapped. Monica glared at him.
"I can't help it if I have no adult company all day," she said.
"You could have the gang over! They'd love to come fuss over Kimmy!" he suggested, trying not to lose his temper.
"Ross and Rachel have Emma, they're busy with their own lives. Joey is finally working, so he's never got any time either. And Kimmy's been scared of Phoebe ever since the incident with the medival clown mask!" Monica argued. She was shouting, without realising it, and Chandler had raised his voice too.
"They're our friends Mon, they'd make time to visit if you asked them," Chandler pointed out.
"If 'I' ask them? If they're 'our' friends why is it MY responsibility to ask them?" Chandler rolled his eyes. Monica could be so stubborn sometimes.
"Because you're the one complaining you have no adult company!" he reminded her.
"But that's YOUR fault," Monica shouted, aware she was being unreasonable.
"Monica, I HAVE to work! If I stayed home all day to keep you company we'd have no money! Besides, I shouldn't have to babysit my wife AND my daughter! You're a grown woman, you shouldn't need someone to entertain you all day!" Chandler hated when she was like this. And he hated himself when he yelled at her.
"Would you please quit being childish?" she demanded. Chandler scoffed. HE was being childish?! "I never said I wanted you to stay home all day! I just meant that I miss going out to work and being with people who can have an intelligent conversation about something other than My Little Pony!"
"Give her another toy to talk about," he suggest, unable to resist making a joke, even when they were fighting.
"Chandler!" Monica shouted, "Why don't you ever take me seriously?"
"I do take you seriously, you know I do," Chandler said, "But you're being unreasonable and blaming me for things that aren't my fault! YOU were the one who decided to stay home with Kimmy! I have never, ever said you can't go out to work! When have I ever been less than supportive of your career?"
Monica didn't say anything. She knew he was right. And most of the time, she loved having the time to spend with Kimmy, but on days like today, when the apartment felt smaller than a closet and Kimmy was going nuts, she felt trapped and began to resent the family she adored.
"Mon," Chandler said, noticing the slump in her shoulders as she accepted that he was in the right, and felt guilty for taking out her frustration on him. Chandler reached out to put his arms around her, he could never be mad at her for long.
"Leave me alone Chandler," she said, rushing out of the room, her hands to her face, desperate to get out of there before she started crying. Chandler ran after her.
"Monica!" he called out to her, as she slammed the door of the apartment behind her. He sank onto the couch. If Kimmy wasn't there he would have chased after her, but he'd never leave his daughter alone in the apartment, even for Monica. He knew Monica would come to her sense in a few hours and would return, sheepish and apologetic. Even if he called one of the gang and asked them to stay with Kimmy while he went to look for his wife, it wouldn't do any good, he'd never catch her and even if he did, she was too stubborn and upset to listen to him, and knowing that he didn't think she could be trusted on her own would only make her more angry. But he couldn't go to bed until she returned and reassured him she was okay and she wasn't really mad at him.
Monica had gone up to the roof of their building to sit and fel sorry for herself. She hated when she and Chandler fought and he was the sensible one, it always made her feel stupid and unreasonable. She shivered in the cold night air and wiped her face with the back on her hand. She was only wearing a short sleaved top and pants, and was freezing, but she wasn't ready to go back into the apartment and face Chandler yet. The worst part was, she knew he would forgive her as soon as he saw she'd been crying, and he would offer to take tomorrow off work and stay home with her and Kimmy, or watch Kimmy while she went out and had a day to herself.
Monica left the roof and wandered round the neighbourhood for a while, looking for a quiet bar or something where she could sit in the warm and mope over a scotch on the rocks with a twist. She found a place that didn't look too sleazy and went in. It was busy but not full, and she was soon sat by herself at the bar staring at her drink.
"Hey," a guy said, sliding onto the seat next to her.
"Hi," Monica said. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now, especially a total stranger in a bar. But she had gotten over her anger and didn't want to be rude.
"Can I get you a drink?" he offered.
"No thanks, I'm set," she said, gesturing to the drink in front of her that she hadn't even touched.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine. You?" she was just being polite, but the man took her inquiry as a signal to pour out all his problems with his ex-wife to her. Monica listened quietly, although she was privately wishing he'd just shut up so she could go home to Chandler. She wasn't interested in this guys ex-wife and how she wouldn't let him see his kids and demanded extortionate amounts of child support. She just wanted to apologise to Chandler for yelling at him and then fall asleep with his arms around her.
"I'm sorry, you don't wanna hear this," he said. Monica bit her lip to stop herself from screaming that she didn't, she wished she'd never asked him how he was. "Are you married?"
"Uh huh."
"You love him?"
"Very much," she said, smiling as she thought of Chandler.
"Then how come you're in a bar listening to a drunk bastard moan about his life? How come you're not having sex with your husband?" he said, remarkably perceptive, despite the alcohol he'd drunk. Monica had had a few herself to cope with the tedium of his stories, so she didn't bother coming up with a lie.
"We had a fight."
"He cheatin' on ya?"
"No, no, nothing like that," Monica said quickly.
"Then what were ya fightin' 'bout?"
"Just stupid stuff," she said, not going in to details.
"You want me to walk you home?" he asked suddenly. Monica raised her eyebrows.
"Um, I don't think that's a good idea. If my husband sees you, he'll freak."
"Just to your building then," he said persasively.
"Ok, I guess so," Monica said reluctantly.
She finished her drink and let him lead her out of the bar. They walked slowly to the corner where they should have turned left to reach Monica and Chandler's building. He stopped suddenly and pulling Monica round to face him. Before she had time to register what was happening, he was kissing her, one hand on her butt, the other holding her head.
If she had been sober, she would have stopped him straight away, screamed, run away to safety in Chandler's arms. She never would have kissed him back. She wouldn't have let him lead her to his apartment in the opposite direction of her own either. And she wouldn't have slept with him.
* * *
Please tell me what you think, if this is the first time you're reading. Or if its not and you didn't review before, SHAME ON YOU go do it now!