She was struggling to reach out, to save her precious work, but he held her tightly. It broke his heart to watch her being so upset, but it wasn't safe for her to crawl out from under the table and he wasn't going to let her risk her life over some scientific data that, if he was honest with himself, probably wasn't going to be of any use anyway.
He had hinted to her how redundant he thought her work was, but he wasn't going to tell her it was useless. She needed something to cling to, that's who she was.
He felt her go limp in his arms, and for a moment was concerned that she was injured.
Then he realised she had given up.
She slowly turned to face him, giving up her fight to escape his grip, and leaned her face into his chest.
He felt his heart expand with emotion, feeling equal parts heartbroken for her losing her only hope, and overwhelmed by love for the woman he had never thought would turn to him for any kind of comfort.
It took him a few moments to realise she was crying, her body shaking lightly in his, her breath hitching every few moments, as though she couldn't quite get any breath in.
'It'll be okay, Kathryn,' he whispered. 'We'll find a way.'
It was loud enough for her to hear it over the storm, but still quiet and calming.
Without thinking he placed a comforting kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger against her warm skin for perhaps a moment too long.
With no hesitation she pulled back a little and raised her eyes to meet his. She hadn't been expecting the kiss and it had surprised her. For a moment he expected her to pull away completely, to tell him it was inappropriate.
But the moment never came.
Instead her sad eyes searched his face for a few moments, analysing, trying to read him.
Then he knew.
She hadn't realised until that moment how he felt about her.
'Thank you,' she whispered in return, then leaned her head back into his chest.
When she woke the storm had ended, his protective arm still lay around her, and his breath was heavy, close to snoring but not quite. It was dark outside and she realised that they had slept well into the early hours of the morning.
Lying under the table wasn't exactly the most comfortable place, but she couldn't bring herself to move.
It had been a very long time since she had felt the comforting arm of a man around her and at that moment she needed it.
No.
She needed his arm around her, comforting her.
She watched his face, his brow furrowed, his jaw clenched, as though he had fallen asleep extremely concerned and it brought a smile to her lips.
Not that she would ever let him see that.
Somehow she had missed it, or perhaps she hadn't wanted to see it, the way he looked at her, the way he treated her. He had always been loyal, right from the start, with no good reason. But here he was, protecting her, even in his sleep making sure that she was okay.
A few weeks earlier she would have reprimanded him for such behaviour, told him that while it was his job to protect his Captain, the moment the storm was over he should have woken her and they gone their separate ways.
But now?
Now she wanted to stay there forever, in the comfort of his arms.
Perhaps it was because she knew what lay waiting for her when she rolled over and looked at the room; that her work would be completely destroyed, that her hope would be shattered. Perhaps she was clinging to this moment because she didn't want to face that.
Or perhaps it was her finally accepting that this was going to be their lives.
For now she needed the comfort, either way.
His other hand lay between them, palm facing upwards, slightly curved, as though ready to form a fist and fight.
She reached down with her hand and intertwined her fingers with his.
He didn't flinch and she smiled, closing her eyes again, attempting to go back to sleep.
They could deal with all of this in the morning.
When he woke he was surprised to find her holding his hand. Light softly trickling in through cracks in the ceiling.
Oh god. Cracks in the ceiling.
This was going to be a lot of work to fix.
He looked down at her, her hair somehow still perfectly tied up, her face calm and relaxed. He hadn't expected that. He could feel from the ache along his forehead and jaw that he hadn't had a relaxing sleep at all.
But it seemed that she had managed to get some rest.
'Is it as bad as I think it is?' she asked, her eyes still closed. 'Should I open my eyes?'
He stroked his thumb lightly over hers, forgetting for a moment that the movement was technically off-limits and needing some way to comfort her.
'There's no rush,' he responded calmly. 'But you'll need to eventually.'
She opened her eyes slowly, meeting his. Something had changed in her, he couldn't quite peg what, but he felt like perhaps she had remove a layer from the Captain wall she so strongly held around her.
To his surprise she moved her thumb lightly over his hand for a moment before pulling it away.
She said nothing as she climbed out from under the table and looked around, but he could see the devastation in her eyes as she looked at her work.
He half expected her to cry at that moment, but she managed to hold herself together.
As she usually did.
'Let's check outside, maybe some of the insect traps are still intact,' he suggested, unable to deal with the pain he saw in her eyes.
He knew better than to hope, but a part of him wanted her to find something outside to cling to. Anything.
Without saying a word she made her way out of their cabin, he followed closely.
Seeing outside he knew there was no chance.
None of this was salvageable.
As much as it pained him not to, he didn't move to comfort her. She wouldn't want it now. She needed to deal with this moment herself.
She stared at the fire he had built for them. It was going to take time for them to fix the holes in the roof, so this had been his way of keeping them warm. She appreciated the gesture, and it was a nice distraction of sorts, but she couldn't shake the heartbreak.
Her chances of figuring out a cure had been shattered.
She had nothing.
The rising panic had been on and off all day and she knew at any moment it was going to build into uncontrollable tears.
'Drink this.'
She looked up to see him holding a mug out to her.
'Please tell me that's coffee,' she replied, taking the mug.
'It's green tea,' he responded calmly. 'You shouldn't be drinking coffee this late in the evening. It's why you're so restless at night.'
To her surprise, and if she was honest also her pleasure, he took a seat next to her on the log, his leg lightly touching hers.
'I go to bed hours before you,' she replied, a little defensive.
'And despite that you struggle to settle and are still tired in the morning,' he brought his tea up to his lips, taking a sip.
She focused on his lips against the mug. The same lips that had comforted her with a kiss to forehead the night before.
She definitely hadn't expected that from him in that moment, but it had worked. He always knew the exact right thing to do to calm her down.
'I don't know if I should be concerned about how much knowledge you have of my sleeping habits, Commander.'
The comment was light-hearted but she saw something flicker across his face as she said his title. She hadn't meant to, it was habit more than anything, although perhaps it was also a subconsciously reminder to him that she was in charge.
'I worry about you,' he replied quietly, his eyes focused on the fire ahead of them, although she knew he was well aware that her eyes were focused on him.
'Why?'
The moment the word left her mouth she regretted it. She wasn't sure she was ready to know why he worried about her, although deep down she already suspected.
He seemed to read her panic and chose to answer it in his own way.
'Because, despite the fact you are no longer on Voyager and no longer a Captain, you work from the moment you get up until the moment you go to sleep at night. You need to learn to relax,' he said quietly. 'I thought building you that bath would help, but you seem to use it as a place to think more about work.'
She laughed, taking a sip of her tea.
She could feel his eyes on her now, see the smile on his lips from the corner of his mouth.
'Well Chakotay, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow, so I guess I should get some rest,' she stood up, turning to face him.
He did the same.
'Goodnight, Kathryn,' he whispered.
'Goodnight.'
And as she walked towards the cabin she felt his eyes watching her.
It took all of her willpower not to turn back and look at him.
Lying in bed all he could think about was how cold it was, the draft coming through the roof seemed to hit his bed exactly.
He tried to push away the thoughts of the night before, of having her in his arms. He hated to admit how much he had enjoyed waking up to see her peaceful face next to his and he hated to admit even more how alone he felt knowing that she wouldn't be there the next time he awoke.
A loud bang and swearing alerted him to her being as wide awake as he was.
He sprung out of bed, afraid she had hurt herself, to find her digging through a random box of clothes.
'Everything okay, Kathryn?' he asked.
She looked up at him in surprise, 'Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I was looking for warmer clothes, I'm freezing.'
He smiled. 'The cold was keeping me awake as well.'
'I'm not accustomed to change in temperature anymore,' she admitted. 'Voyager was a comfortable consistent 22 degrees Celsius.'
She returned to digging through the box of clothing, pulling out item after item that he knew wouldn't do much to keep her warm. He leaned against his bedroom doorway, a slight smile crossing his lips as he watched her.
Always determined, no matter the odds.
Then she pulled out the one item of clothing he was hoping she wouldn't come across.
Her Starfleet jacket.
She stood up, looking over at him, the hope drained from her eyes, holding the jacket loosely in one hand.
'What are we doing here, Chakotay?' she asked, defeated. 'It's cold and we're alone with a monkey, on a planet we can never leave, while the ship full of people that I stranded here head off into the unknown without their Captain and First Officer.'
He took a few swift steps so he was in front of her, taking her hands.
'We will find a way off this planet, I promise. We'll get back to them somehow,' he said quietly. 'If that's what you want, I'll find a way. I don't know how, but I will. But first we need to rebuild our home, then we'll find a way to continue your research. I know you'll never give up, I know you can't. That's why I…'
He stopped.
He'd almost said it.
Her eyes shot up to his, fear and curiosity dancing together in them as she tried to read him.
'That's why you?' she whispered.
'Have nothing but the utmost respect for you,' he found a way to cover his tracks.
But he had been close.
He let go of her hands and walked back into his room, pulling out his warmest sweater and bringing it back to her.
'I can't take that, you'll be freezing,' she said, folding her arms.
'Then so be it,' he responded. 'Come on, we both have a big day ahead tomorrow.'
He walked her towards her bed. She hesitated in the doorway.
'Chakotay, there is another way to stay warm,' she spoke quietly, avoiding his gaze.
He felt the heat rise in his cheeks and was thankful that it was mostly dark in the cabin. Surely she couldn't be suggesting that they…
'We could share body heat,' she spoke quickly. 'Scientifically that's the best way to stay warm. But it's up to you. The beds are very small and it could be uncomfortable…'
'Sounds better than freezing,' he cut her off, speaking calmly, although his brain was going a thousand miles a second.
Was she actually asking him to sleep in her bed? Surely that had to be a step in the right directly, or at least the direction that he wanted to head in.
She climbed into bed and he paused for a moment before climbing in after her, pulling the blankets over them.
The bed was small, but just big enough for the both of them. She turned away from him, which he was slightly disappointed about, but then as he lay down behind her she shuffled back towards him, pressing her body up against his.
He was worried for a moment that his body would react too physically to the closeness and he'd be unable to hide it, but as he placed his arm around her she turned to face him, slinging an arm around his waist and resting her head against his chest, like she had the night before.
He realised he wasn't the only one who had enjoyed their sleeping arrangements the night before.
He leaned his head against hers and closed his eyes, for a moment forgetting why they were doing this, simply enjoying the closeness.
She wasn't sure what had come over her, but the idea of waking up with him by her side two days in a row had seemed far more inviting than the empty cold she had been attempting to sleep in for the hours leading up to this.
The moment he got in the bed and wrapped his arm around her she felt an internal warmth run through her. He was warm, not only in body heat, but in the soft way he wrapped his arm around her, his breath against her neck, his –
She turned around.
They were too close physically the other way and she knew how it would end. At least this way she could better control what was pressed up against her.
Leaning into him, she closed her eyes, trying to take comfort and warmth from the man, rather than thinking too hard about what else they could be doing in their confined space.
Alarm bells were ringing in her head, but she needed him at that moment.
For warmth, for comfort, for companionship.
He leaned his head against hers, and for a few moments she expected them to fall asleep without another word.
Then she felt his hand lightly stroking her arm, it was a slow movement, and had they not been so absolutely still she could have mistaken it for the rise and fall of his breath affecting his movement.
'Am I allow to say that I like this?' he whispered quietly, so quiet she wasn't sure he actually intended her to hear his words.
For a moment she panicked, unsure how to respond, wondering if it would be better just to tell him this had been a bad idea, that he should return to his bed and they would fix the hole in the roof in the morning.
Instead she stroked her thumb lightly across his back as she spoke.
'Yes,' she replied equally as quietly. 'I like it too.'
In an echo of the night before, she felt him kiss her forehead again as she closed her eyes, afraid to look at him for fear of what would happen between them if she did.
Within minutes she was fast asleep.
He made sure he was long gone by the time she woke up, knowing they had crossed a line and although it had been her decision, also knowing that she would pull away the moment she was given an opportunity if she thought they had gotten too close too quickly.
He went for a walk to watch the sunrise, needing space but also wanting to give her the space he knew she needed.
It took him about an hour but he found a spot, high up on a cliff, overlooking the river. He looked out at the water snaking through the trees, at the hills, the forest, and he wondered what else could be out there.
If they were going to spend time there that seemed like something they were going to have to do eventually. Explore. He wasn't one to sit still, despite his ability to make a home out of nothing, he still craved some kind of adventure.
Perhaps he could build them a boat.
He smiled at the thought of him and Kathryn, travelling down the river, planning to camp for a few days in the forest.
She said she hated the outdoors but he was starting to get the feeling that she was exaggerating a little, if given the chance she would enjoy outdoors just as much as she enjoyed being in their newly made home.
Home.
The fact he had already begun thinking of it as his home scared him a little, and he knew it terrified her. He was trying to make things easier for her, but he knew that she was struggling.
Maybe a little trip was exactly what they needed.
By the time she woke up he was already well on his way to fixing the roof.
'I hope you've left some work for me,' she commented.
He smiled, noticing the smile on her face, the slight bounce to her step.
Something had changed. Something for the better.
'About half the forest still needs removing from the clearing,' he smiled.
'I'm on it!' she declared, picking up her first branch and lugging it away from the cabin.
He watched.
Happy.
It's not that he wanted her to give up, but he definitely preferred this version of her. The happy, relaxed one.
He had insisted on cooking that night, something about her cooking not being up to scratch, and she had let him. She was exhausted and while the bathtub had looked inviting, the effort she would have to go through to fill it up didn't seem worth it after the day of labour.
She felt the words coming out of her mouth before she had thought them through.
'My knots are getting knots,' she laughed as she said it.
Him standing up and coming to her rescue she had half-expected, but the feeling that overcame her as he brushed her hair aside she hadn't. She hadn't seen him stand up, and he had been by her side so instantly.
He was always so eager to jump to her side.
And he always knew exactly what she needed.
His touch surprised her, along with the knowledge that he would do anything she asked of him, without hesitation. She wasn't sure how that made her feel, some kind of cross between comforting and terrifying.
He was talking, she knew that much, but she couldn't focus on the words he was saying.
All she could think about was his hands, kneading away the tension in her shoulders, sending waves of pleasure down her spine and up her neck as he did so.
She wanted him, every part of her wanted to swing around, grab him, pull his shirt over his head and have him all to herself. She could picture his tanned hands against her pale skin, running down her arms, across her chest, down to –
His hands stopped moving and she knew he was thinking something similar. She could feel it in his touch, the hesitation, the moment of wondering if things had gone too far. Again.
She stood up suddenly.
He seemed to sense something was wrong, as he stepped back without hesitation, releasing her shoulders without fight.
'That's much better, thank you,' she barely recognised her own voice as she spoke. 'Well, I better go to bed now, see you in the morning.'
'Sleep well, Kathryn.'
The way he said her name in that moment resonated through her. Like it was first time he had really called her by that name.
And she wanted to invite him to spend the night with her again, but she knew where it would go this time.
'Yes,' she replied. 'You too.'
And she felt his eyes on her as she retreated hurriedly to her bed.
The Starfleet officer in her was fighting this, insisting that it was inappropriate for her to start anything with her First Officer. What if Voyager returned? What if they found out? And what about Mark?
Yet Kathryn Janeway, the woman who was starting to accept she might be stuck on this planet for the rest of her life, she wanted this, all of it, all of him, and she wanted it right at that moment.
She crawled into bed and lay there, not even attempting to sleep as she stared at the wall.
Chakotay was different to any other man she had ever met. He was unashamed of who he was, completely comfortable in his own skin, determined to stick by his opinions but also always willing to stand by her, even when they disagreed.
And he was handsome.
She couldn't ignore that fact. It was the first thing she had noticed about him and it definitely wasn't something she had forgotten, although she had spent the majority of the past two years trying to push that into the back of her mind.
After all it wasn't appropriate to think of her First Officer in that way.
But then he wasn't her First Officer anymore.
There was literally nothing preventing them from being together, except her.
And she knew the issue, she wasn't ready to move on, not yet. She couldn't give up the idea that she was the Captain of Voyager.
But she also didn't want him to think that not yet meant not ever.
And with that she got back out of bed.
He had been surprised to see her get back out of bed, and even more surprised to find themselves holding hands, staring into each other's eyes.
He wanted to tell her how he really felt, but his story was the closest way he could. The words literally wouldn't come out of his mouth in any other way. Somehow making it fictional made it easier to say, and by the looking on her face it made it easier to hear.
Parameters.
He almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it. She wanted to set up parameters? They were living alone in a tiny cabin, on a planet 70 years from Earth, with almost no hope of returning to Voyager.
But he understood what she was really saying.
He didn't really know what to say now, he had placed the ball cautiously in her court and it was her turn to make the next move. Yet she seemed frozen, her eyes locked on his, tears reflecting in them, a smile glued to her face and her hand gripping his.
'So now what?' she finally asked.
He smiled.
She was always the one in charge, and now she seemed so uncertain that she wanted him to make the decisions?
He shook his head slightly.
'That's up to you,' he said softly, squeezing her hand as he said it. 'If you're not ready, I'll wait. If you want to set parameters, I'll do my best to abide by them. If you want to pretend my roof fixing job was terrible and it's still freezing in here, I'm happy to turn the heating off…'
She laughed at the last part, lowering their hands to the table and watching them closely.
He let his eyes fall to their intertwined hands as well. They contrasted starkly – his strong and worn and tanned, hers delicate and pale. Yet they worked together. Her hand fit perfectly with his and he never wanted to let it go.
There didn't seem to be anything else to say at that moment.
He stood up, not letting go of her hand, and walked around the table, pulling her to her feet. For a few moments they stood, watching each other, then he leaned in, pressing his lips lightly against hers.
She let him kiss her for a few moments, her lips lightly caressing his in return, her hands travelling up his arms to wrap around his neck. For a moment he thought she was about to completely give in to this whatever this thing between them was and as he thought it she pulled away, looking him in the eyes directly, her hands still wrapped around his neck.
'Chakotay…' she started.
'There's no rush,' he cut her off, knowing what she was going to say. 'Whenever you're ready.'
She searched his eyes for a moment before speaking again.
'Of all the people I could have been stranded here with, I'm extremely thankful that it's you,' she whispered.
'Me too,' he replied.
As she let her hands slip down from his neck he felt the sharp cold of air against his bare skin and wanted to suggest to her that they spend the night together again, but he knew this was up to her.
He also suspected the next time they shared a bed they wouldn't simply be sleeping.
'Goodnight Chakotay,' she said softly as she headed for her room.
'Sleep well,' he replied, sitting back down in his seat.
He was starting to think that being stranded on this planet was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he hated himself for that because he knew it wasn't the best thing to ever happen to her.
But as he looked back at the table he couldn't fight the smile that spread across his face.
Their relationship didn't change much for the next week, there was more touching, more laughter, more openness between them, but they didn't take any physical steps forward after the kiss.
She couldn't shake the thought though, it was the first thing she thought about every morning when she woke up and the last thing on her mind as she attempted to sleep each night.
Not that it mattered, but she waited until the Friday night to replicate a bottle of synthehol. She knew they shouldn't really be wasting energy on alcohol, but she felt like she needed some liquid encouragement, even if it wasn't the real thing.
He was somewhere, she wasn't sure where, he often went for wanders or snuck away into the forest to build things, mostly for her.
She appreciated the time alone, and she knew he left her alone on purpose. Neither of them needed to be in each other's space all the time, they were comfortable in the knowledge the other was never too far away.
And it had given her time to cook dinner and replicate something for them to drink.
The candles were the final touch.
'Did the electricity go out?' he joked as he entered the cabin.
Then he seemed to register the dinner laid out on the table, the bottle of synthehol on the table and his laughter faded into a warm smile.
'You cooked dinner,' he stated.
'Well, I tried, we'll see if it's worth the title of dinner,' she smiled as he took a seat.
'Kathryn, this looks amazing,' he said quietly.
She could hear it in his voice, he was genuinely impressed and surprised at the effort she had gone to. As she sat down opposite him she felt the familiar warmth that came over her every time they ended up in a situation like this.
'I recommend trying to potatoes first, they're the part I'm least likely to have screwed up,' she laughed.
'Even if you had burnt every last piece of it, this would still be the best meal I've ever had,' he replied, taking a bite as he did so.
Her laughter halted as her feelings took over. She was falling for him, not in the way she had the first day she met him, it wasn't about him being handsome or rugged or dangerous. She was falling for the soft and caring part of him, the part that made her laugh, that made her chest swell with joy every time they locked eyes and made it worth getting out of bed each morning, despite the fact they had nothing specific to do.
She realised, in all its ridiculousness, that this was the happiest she had ever been.
'Chakotay, thank you,' she spoke softly.
'For insulting your cooking or…?' he smiled as he looked up at her.
'For turning my worst nightmare into the happiest I've been in a long time,' she explained. 'You've made this feel like home and there's nothing I can do to thank you for that.'
'You don't have to thank me, this place wouldn't be any kind of home if you weren't here to share it with me,' he whispered.
She took a drink, knowing it wasn't really going to get her drunk, but hoping it would have some kind of placebo effect.
How did she tell him?
Did she tell him?
Maybe it was better to just let things continue the way they were.
But she couldn't shake the feeling of needing to be closer to him.
Maybe she was actually ready to let go.
'Tell me something about you that I don't know,' she said, trying to force conversation while she considered her options.
He smiled. 'There's not much to tell.'
'Surely a Maquis Captain has plenty of stories to tell,' she smiled.
'Not ones I really want you to know,' he admitted. 'And I don't think there's all that much you don't know about me.'
She took a bite of her food, watching him think for a moment. Then he smiled.
'I've grown to be quite fond of Tom Paris,' he admitted. 'He's come a long way from the kid I wanted to murder when I was a Maquis Captain, and I can see now why you insisted he be a part of your crew.'
'That's it?' she narrowed her eyes at him. 'Surely you have some deep dark secret other than that.'
'I think I told you my deepest secret the other night,' he replied quickly.
She felt her stomach clench, as though cutting off her ability to eat anymore of her dinner. She placed her fork down lightly against her plate and leaned on the table, smiling at him.
'How about you? Tell me something about you that I don't know,' he said quietly.
'I have a sister,' she said, not knowing why she chose that topic. 'She didn't approve of me joining Starfleet, has barely spoken to me since I did. I'm sure she's back on Earth now, telling everyone how she told me so, that this was how my life would turn out.'
'Stuck on a distant planet with a handsome Maquis Captain?' he teased.
She smiled, glancing back down at her food.
He wasn't even trying to hide his flirting anymore.
'There's something else,' she said quietly, raising her eyes slowly to meet his, lowering her hands and clasping them tightly in her lap.
He placed his fork down quietly against his plate and sat back in his chair.
Waiting.
'I don't have some fancy story,' she started quietly. 'But I want you to know that I care about you, as far more than my First Officer. I haven't been able to admit it to myself, let alone you, but you're what's held me together this whole time in the Delta Quadrant. Without you I may have fallen apart in our third week stranded here, and if I were on this planet without you I'm not sure how I would be surviving.'
He stood up slowly, walking around the table and holding a hand out to her.
She took it and let him pull her to her feet.
'I want to show you something,' he said quietly. 'It's a bit of a walk, but it's a full moon tonight and save any surprise storms, we should have a clear view.'
She smiled. 'Lead the way.'
He hadn't let her hand go for the hour it took them to walk up to the top of the hill. At some points he knew it would have been easier for them to walk single file, but he couldn't find the willpower to let go of her hand.
He actually wasn't sure he ever wanted to again.
As they stepped up onto the rock, overlooking the forest and the river, she gasped slightly. The moonlight was reflecting off the river, illuminating the landscape below them.
'It's beautiful,' she whispered.
'I know,' he said quietly, watching her, not the view. 'I come here to think.'
'So this is where you disappear to,' she smiled, glancing sideways at him.
He took a seat and she followed his lead, leaning against him as they looked out at the view.
They sat in complete silence for what could have been close to half an hour, their hands still intertwined as they looked out at the view.
Somewhere around the fifteen minute mark she leaned her head on his shoulder.
He could feel his heart exploding inside his chest and he knew he had to tell her. This was the perfect moment, the opportunity he had been waiting for since he had first realised how he felt.
But he was so afraid – afraid that she would run from him, that it would only drive a wedge between them, rather than bring them closer together.
Then again, how long were they intending to live together with a giant elephant in the room? Forever was a long time to spend in such a small space with such a huge secret.
'Kathryn?' his voice came out as a low rumble and he was actually surprised to hear her reply.
'Yes?' she squeezed his hand lightly, but didn't move.
'I love you,' he said quietly.
She didn't say anything straight away, but she sat up, looking at him, and he recognised the look as the one she had given him after he told her the story about the warrior. Except this time he saw less fear and more hope.
'Really?' she smiled.
Why did she sound surprised?
He smiled in return. 'I don't know how you couldn't have known that, but I wanted to tell you anyway. And I know you're not ready to say it back and I don't expect you to, but I wanted you to know.'
That night there was no pretending that they were going to sleep in separate beds, and he was sure he saw the sun rising before they managed to attempt sleep.
She didn't say a word as they packed their things. She couldn't. She didn't know how to deal with the heartbreak of giving up what they had built between them the last couple of months. She didn't know how to return to Voyager and look at him and feel nothing.
'Kathryn, please say something.'
It had been hours of silence before he snapped. She looked up at him, wanting her eyes to be voice emotion she knew she had failed as she saw his heart breaking at her look.
'I don't know what to say,' she said quietly. 'I don't know how to go back to being the Captain. I had accepted this was our lives…'
'It still can be.'
She knew he understood his words were hollow, there was no way they could continue this relationship or whatever it was when they returned to the ship. She wouldn't allow it, it was against protocol.
And she could already feel the Captain kicking back in.
'Excuse me,' she muttered, quickly making her way out of the cabin, lugging with her one of the cases.
She dumped it on the ground outside and took a deep breath, sinking down onto the case. It wasn't the most comfortable of seats, but she wasn't used to luxuries anymore.
Glancing over at the bathtub was a mistake, like a knife to the heart, reminding her of everything that had been and everything that could be.
She heard him follow her out of the cabin, and for the first time found herself annoyed at his presence on the planet.
She wanted to be alone.
'Kathryn…' he started.
She stood up, wiping the tears she hadn't realised were forming in her eyes away and turning to face him. She pressed a hand lightly on his chest, a way to connect them, yet hold him at a distance.
'I just need time,' she whispered. 'When we get back, I need time to readjust.'
He nodded, understanding.
With that he turned back into the cabin without another word, leaving her alone to lament the relationship she hadn't quite had the chance to pursue.
He felt her climb into bed behind him hours after he went to bed. He was surprised, she had avoided him most of the day.
He rolled over to face her, lightly brushing the hair from her face.
'Are you okay?' he asked quietly.
He knew she had spent a good portion of the afternoon in tears, not that she had let him see that, and he wasn't sure how to help her. He thought this was what she had wanted, to return to Voyager, to be the Captain, to lead her people home.
But perhaps he had finally gotten through to her, convinced her that there was more to live for.
He didn't expect anything to continue once they were on board Voyager, but he was glad to know that she had learned something from their time on New Earth.
Although he hated seeing her so upset.
'I'm fine,' she replied.
It was starting already.
He felt his heart sag in his chest. She was already pushing him away, and Voyager hadn't even showed up yet.
This would probably be the last time she snuck into his bed late at night.
He reached across and pulled her closer towards him.
'Kathryn…' he whispered.
'This can't come back on board,' she cut him off. 'Tomorrow we go back to the way things were.'
He hoped whatever she was feeling wasn't even half as torturous as he felt at that moment. He had known it would be the case, but hearing the words spoken, knowing that this was their last night together, it was as though someone was tearing everything he loved about his life out of his arms.
But he knew this was what she wanted.
She wanted to go home.
'I understand,' he responded, his voice cracking as he said it.
He pulled her even closer and they wrapped their arms around each other, clinging on as though their lives depended on it.
When she woke in the morning he pretended to be asleep, despite the fact he hadn't slept a wink.
She climbed out of his bed and hesitated for a moment, then leaned down and kissed him lightly on the forehead.
He wanted to open his eyes, to capture her lips with his, but he knew that would only make the situation worse.
So he pretended to stay asleep.
As she removed her lips from his forehead he heard her whisper something he'd never thought he'd hear her say.
'Chakotay, I love you too.'
Then she was gone, and when he finally opened his eyes no more than thirty seconds later she was nowhere to be seen.
He remained in bed for a few minutes more before dragging himself out.
It was time to return to Voyager.