Once Upon a Time, as that's typically the opener for most stories like this, there was a King who was absolutely the worst guy ever. No, I'm not saying that because he's my father and I'm a teen in my rebellious phase. This guy had the appeal of the varicose veins bulging out of my grandma's calves, which I have totally seen because Grandma goes a little crazy when she sees the wine at royal banquets, if you know what I mean. I'm just gonna tell you right now, this King is living garbage. Okay? We on the same page yet? Anyhow, the King was basically the ladies man in his younger days, a fact I still don't get because I've seen paintings of him in his youth and he looks like the offspring of an orc and Pinnochio. (No offense to Pinnochio. I hear he's a delightful fellow.) Mom says the reason he was so popular was because he supposedly had a "bad boy" element about him, which I also don't get because the man is afraid of teeth. It's super weird and not relevant to my story, so I'm not gonna go into it.

My old man inherited the throne at age 15 or something, so he was this young kid with an entire country, and naturally all the power was gonna go to his head. Now my dad flirts with everyone. I mean he's the King, he can get away with anything. Age, gender, it doesn't matter, King Cornelius is gonna be making goo goo eyes at you.

So there's this one chick he has a brief thing with for like a day named Beatrix who is like my 2nd least favorite person for reasons which I'm gonna tell you about briefly, and she's a few bananas short of a bunch which if you're stupid, that means she's freaking crazy. I apologize for sounding so bitter, but regarding my circumstances, please show some sympathy. Okay so this Beatrix chick apparently has taste in Orc-Pinnochio men, so she falls heads over heels for my dad, but naturally my charming father dumps her in like an hour. So now we've got not just a crazy woman, but a heartbroken crazy woman. Oh and did I mention she's also a super powerful witch? Cause yeah, she is. And what do you think witches do when they're furious? They curse people. Naturally. But ya know since this witch has the hots for my ugly dad, she decides to curse his first born son instead. Great idea Beatrix, a real genius you are.

A couple years later, King Cornelius finally settles down with Princess Matilda from a neighboring Kingdom, who if you ask me is way too good for him. But anyways they get married, and they have their first kid, which is a girl! So the new royal baby, Princess Katya gets off scott free. No curse or anything. Because it can't be just the first born, it has to be the first born son. As you can probably tell I am not salty about this at all. Then their second kid, a Prince, is born, which is me! Hooray! The curse can finally be set in motion!

Now the abridged version of my curse is basically this: Since my dad screwed with crazy Beatrix's emotions, she completely got rid of my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can still feel things, like the bitter resentment for my father. I just can't express them. At all. It's impossible for me to smile (believe me, I've tried), and even as a baby, I've never cried. Not over the death of my favorite pony, Pistachio, or the heart wrenching finale to my favorite soap opera, My Husband the Mongolian Death Worm (The ending was a real tear jerker). Both made me feel immense grief, but my outside appearance was the same apathetic look that has been plastered to my face since the moment of my birth. This wonderful curse effects my speech as well, so no matter what I say, it comes out in this awful dull monotone. Even when something fascinates me, I sound like I'm completely bored. I can't yell, I can't express joy or anger or anything. It's a miserable experience, and I would cry myself to sleep over it except I physically can't.

You hear princes complaining all the time abut getting cursed to take the form of a frog, but at least those princes spent some of their lives normal! I've always been like this, as long as I remember! The cure to my terrible ailment? Probably true love's kiss or something. No one actually knows because my idiot father forgot most of the conditions, and what we know is pretty much based off what can be observed by looking at me. Anyways, as I have now approached the age in which I'm supposed to find a wife, and the reality of how horrid this curse is has begun to sink in. Every girl I've met has found me utterly dull (understandable) or creepy (less understandable). Even explaining my predicament has no effect, as nobody wants to marry a cursed man, especially if his Kingdom is rather small, like mine happens to be which means it's really not worth it. And so our story now jumps to the present, in which the 12th princess I have met has declined my companionship, and my mother has grown desperate.

"Dante." She begins, eyeing me nervously. "I know none of the others have worked out, but your father and I have arranged a meeting with a princess who's Kingdom is smaller than ours, and would be more susceptible to agreeing to marriage." I want to reply back something earnest, that shows my mother I'm willing to help our family in any way I can. Something kind, but mature. Something like…

"Yeah, whatever." My voice says in that disgusting monotone. God, what was that? Yeah whatever? Really? What's wrong with me?

"Honey, I know how hard this is on you, but please try to understand." Her eyes are full of pity. She completely misinterpreted. Of course. "The princess of Anaslovia should be arriving this afternoon. Her name is Carmen, and I hear she's a wonderful young lady. She has the same problem as you."

"What she's under a curse because of her trashy excuse for a dad?"

"No Dante. Not that we know of. Dear, you shouldn't be mentioning your curse so casually. A lot of people get uncomfortable from that sort of thing."

"Her dad is utterly horrible and incompetent?"

"Dante, please show him more respect. He is your father."

"So why am I being set up with this princess?" I question, completely ignoring her plea about my dad.

"Like I was saying, she's like you and hasn't met the right person yet." I nod politely, but I feel my stomach sink. How bad is this girl if she's on my level of desperate?

Princess Carmen arrives that afternoon, and I almost think I was wrong for judging her before I met her. She is the truly the most beautiful princess I've ever laid eyes on. Her thick brown hair cascades in angelic waves down her back, her caramel colored eyes are large and doe like, and the way she walks is filled with elegance and grace. Her red dress complements her perfectly, and flows gently, the gold accents bringing out her eyes. This is the girl that couldn't find a suitor? That seems highly unlikely to me. Until she opens her mouth.

"I thought they said you were supposed to be cute." Uh excuse me? For once I'm glad my condition allows me to remain neutral to her completely unnecessary comment. I may look a bit dull, but I definitely would still classify myself as cute. Tall, with black hair that hangs in my face in a way that makes me seem mysterious, but still dangerous. Katya says I'm going through a phase, but her opinion didn't matter. And neither does that of Carmen. I am definitely good looking, this girl just has no taste. I clear my throat.

"I am Prince Dante. It is a pleasure to meet you, Princess Carmen." I don't sound very pleased.

"Uh…" She scratches her head. "Don't get too into it." Ah a jokester. How nice.

"Princess, I must say, you look ravishing."

"I thought you were 16, not 60. Ravishing? Who even says that besides old creeps hoping to seduce the young princess and take the throne?"

"I apologize for offending you, princess."

"Do we really gotta do this?"

"Do what, Princess?"

"This! The whole stuffy royalty routine. It's so fake. I mean at least the last 4 suitors I had put some effort into it. You're not trying at all. It's annoying." She huffs, flipping a lock of brown hair over her shoulder.

"Apologies." I say in my usual boring fashion.

"Yeah you don't gotta lie either. There's no point with your acting abilities. I can tell you don't care." I inwardly cringe at her blunt comment. She certainly doesn't sound anything like a princess. I observe her as she looks around the grand foyer, as if expecting something. Perhaps someone to take her cloak? I'm about to send for a servant, when she opens her mouth again."So where's the grub?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Meat! Do you got any meat in this joint? Man I am starving." Princesses aren't supposed to act like this. What is she doing?

"Princess, I'm not entirely sure that-"

"What you guys vegan or something?" She places both hands on her hips in an irritated fashion.

"What does that even mean?"

"You'll get it in a couple years." She stares at me like I'm supposed to get some sort of obscure reference. I don't. "So if you're not gonna show me, am I gonna have to find it myself?"

It only takes about 6 minutes for Princess Carmen to eat our entire supply of meat.

"You certainly have quite the appetite for a princess." I remark. She shoots me a death glare.

"Yeah? You got a problem with that?"

"No. Not at all." She rolls her eyes at my response.

"You're definitely the worst guy I've ever met."

"Thanks."

"You literally don't have any personality at all. I don't even know how that's possible, but somehow you're doing it." I feel my stomach twist at this. I know it's true, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it!

"How about I give you a tour now?" She's not worth fighting, especially if mother wishes for us to marry.

"Nah. I'm just gonna show myself around." She shrugs casually. "I think I'd go crazy spending another second with you. And they want us to marry? What a joke!" She laughs, and saunters out of the kitchen. Naturally, as there is only one way out of the kitchen, I follow. I walk behind her for several moments, and realize she's walking a bit faster than she had when I had shown her to the kitchen. That's odd. I wonder if it means anything. Almost as if on cue, she abruptly stops, and whips her head around to stare at me, eyes narrowed.

"What are you doing now? Stalking me?"

"I live here." I respond blankly. The princess does not seem satisfied with my answer. "My room is right there." I point several doors down the hallway we are standing in. Carmen crosses her arms, and looks at me impatiently. After approximately 17 seconds of uncomfortable silence, which is about 14 seconds too many if you ask me, I notice she looks especially antsy. "What?" I ask.

"If that's your room, why aren't you going in it?!" She asks impatiently.

"That's what you're mad about? What a petty reason to be cross with me." Carmen lets out a small, aggravated scream.

"You're infuriating!" She cries out, and sprints off in the direction we came from. Oh well, not my problem anymore I guess. I head into my room, and close the door, collapsing on the bed. My mother is crazy if she thinks I'll be a good match with this girl. When Carmen leaves, I'm going to have a few words with her I firmly decide. My thoughts are interrupted by an obnoxious rap on my door. Without waiting for permission, my father waltzes right in, looking extremely disappointed in me.

"Dante, I've just received word that our guest, Princess Carmen has been spotted wandering the castle alone. What is the meaning of this?"

"I tried to be as hospitable as ever. She just apparently doesn't understand what that means." I give Cornelius a bored stare.

"Of course she doesn't understand, she's a woman!" He grins. Oh there goes my father with his disgusting ways. Can't wait to see what this pep talk is about. "All women are idiots. You'll see once you get over your whole refusing to smile thing and start seducing them." How could I forget? Father has been practically begging for me to pick up on his playboy ways, claiming it's a 'family tradition' for the son to be a flirt. Even if I wanted to, it isn't like I would be able to. Not that he would understand. He doesn't really seem to grasp the concept that it's his fault I'm like this, and has put it in his head I'm choosing to behave this way. Another reason to hate the man if you ask me. Cornelius continues. "All you gotta do is say I love you once, and they come flocking to you, ready to serve your every need! I once used that trick on 25 girls on the same day, and needless to say, that was one night I'll never forget!" He lets out a hearty laugh. What a scumbag. "Perhaps you should try this with Carmen, eh?" He winks. Disgusting. If I must win her over, which is probably the case, I'll do it my way.

"I get the message, father. I shall go find the princess." I dismiss him, getting off the bed myself. Time to search the palace. I scout the hallways for nearly an hour, when I finally spot her standing out on one of the balconies. Might as well get this over with. I head over to her location, and slowly open the heavy glass doors, joining her on the balcony. She looks up, eager to see who has joined her, and upon realizing who it is, her smile fades.

"Oh it's you." She states plainly.

"We're supposed to get married. Why can't you try to get along with me?"

"Why are you so boring?" Princess Rude-as-heck is staring at me, eyes wide like a curious child.

"What?"

"I'm obviously not your first choice, just like you're obviously not mine. It's pretty clear the others didn't work out for you cause of your terrible personality." If I could, I would be gritting my teeth. What gave her the right to say that, even if it's true? "So why don't you like try to be a little bit interesting?"

"You're terribly rude for a princess."

"You're seriously way too formal. Are you sure you're a human being with an actual soul?"

"I'm so sick of your attitude." I remark. "Why are you acting like this?" The statement lacks the passion I'm trying to express, and predictably sounds like a socially awkward preteen being asked to read something aloud in class. Utterly emotionless.

"You don't sound sick. You don't even care, do you? Honestly you're just saying things. I can read people pretty well ya know?"

"Apparently you can't." The statement was meant to hurt, but that's not how it sounds. For obvious reasons. Do I keep having to describe how everything I say is a monotone? I feel like you'd get it by this point.

"Yes I can! You are the most unoriginal, dull, plain prince I have ever met, and you're so apathetic you don't care about fixing yourself!"

"Stop making assumptions. You don't know anything about me."

"Why don't you stop acting all high and mighty? Thinking you're so special because you can't get any girl to love you! You don't know what it's like to actually suffer! At least you can fix your problem!"

"What are you talking about?" I'm confused now.

"Oh poor me. I'm too boring to be loved. If you just changed your attitude, you'd probably find someone instantly. But not me! Even if they aren't put off by my personality, once they find out about my situation, they give up on me!"

"Carmen, I have no idea what you're going on about." She grits her teeth in frustration, her eyes filling with angry tears.

"My curse! My stupid awful curse!" She suddenly screams. I swear for a second I've stopped breathing.

"Curse? You're cursed?" She laughs sharply.

"Like you'd understand, Prince Dull. Tell me, how would you feel marrying a girl that could fall asleep at any time, and stay that way for 100 years? Would you want that?! Would anyone want that? I mean I'll wake up eventually, but everyone I ever knew and loved will be dead. You can't possibly know what that feels like." I stare at her crying form. She looks so weak.

"No I can't understand. But I can sympathize." So I begin to explain to her. My father's idiocy. My hatred for Beatrix. The conditions of my curse. And as she listens, her tears begin to slow. Her eyes seem to widen in understanding when I get to the part about me having nothing to do with it, and when I finish, Carmen doesn't say a word. She seems to be processing this new information.

"This whole apathy thing isn't your real personality. You're cursed. Like me." She says slowly.

"That's the nature of it."

"God what's wrong with me? I've treated you pretty horribly for something you can't control. I of all people should understand this kind of thing."

"Yeah, you should."

"I just-I'm so sick of my curse and this endless finding a husband ordeal. I kinda took out a lot of my anger on you, and was blaming you for my problems, when you had your own just as big."

"So you get it now?"

"Yes, I get it. And I'm sorry. I want to help you."

"I don't know how you can."

"What if I kiss you?" If I could blush, I would have.

"What?"

"Didn't you say kissing a princess usually fixes this kinda thing? Lemme kiss you." I certainly don't want to waste my first kiss, but at the same time, this could be the cure to my ailment."

"Fine. Do it." She presses her lips against mine, and it's not really what I expect. There's no electric shock, no angels singing. It doesn't feel like anything. She breaks apart, and analyzes me. "What are you doing?" I notice nothing has changed as I say this. So has she apparently, as she seems to get angry.

"I thought you said kissing would fix you!" She eyes me skeptically.

"You suggested we kiss in the first place." I protest.

"Did you lie to me about that whole curse thing so you could get my pity and corrupt my chastity?!" She's furious now.

"Your chastity? It was one kiss how does that have anything to do with chastity? Besides, I thought it would work, and that was my first too." But Carmen is no longer listening to reason. She's too mad at me.

"You slimy creep! What is WRONG with you?!" She screams, and at that moment her fist makes contact with my face. The punch makes me nauseous, and I see stars.

"Jesus Christ woman, you didn't have to punch me!" I scream back. Wait. Scream? She seems to have noticed it too.

"A punch?" She's staring at her own fist now, as if she holds all the power in the world.

"I..uh.." I don't know what to say. So I scream again. "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" It feels so liberating. All these years of suffering and all I needed to do was get punched in the face. How stupid. I let out a small snicker, and Carmen seems to find this amusing, as she begins to softly giggle at the whole awkwardness of it all. Our chuckles grows louder, until we're both in tears from laughing. I'm laughing. For the first time in my life I'm laughing. I'm curious how loony we must look to any outsiders. How I look. Oh my god how do I look? Mirror. I need to find a mirror. I thrust open the doors that lead to the balcony, and dart into the castle, unable to contain my own whoops and hollers as I make my way to my room. There. The giant mirror nailed above my dresser displays my smiling reflection. I look so different. Kinder. Definitely more approachable. Also man am I good looking.

"I am god." Carmen seems to have followed me, but I lost track of her in my own excitement.

"Sure you are." I can't stop smiling. "This is so great I can't wait to be sarcastic with people and have them actually get it! And to tell off my dad for being a completely useless human being, and to tell my mom she deserves better and-"

"Godly powers activate!" Carmen announces, waving her hand toward the sky. I approach her, still beaming.

"I don't know if your fist is gonna fix you too, but I'm sure there's a way. Whatever it is, I'll help you find it. You saved my life. Let me save yours." And we lived happily ever after. Sort of. It's complicated.