The REAL Wind Waker

Author's Notes: This is a parody of Wind Waker. It crosses over a lot to the Kingdom of Loathing, a text-based humour MMORPG. Play it at . I don't own Nintendo, Kingdom of loathing, or the Zelda franchise. I really expect to be flamed for adding a certain weapon, but it IS a parody. If you do flame about that, I probably won't listen. I WILL however listen to constructive flames.

Prologue: The Fall of a Kingdom, the Rise of a Hero.

This is but one of the legends which the people speak... Long ago, there existed a kingdom. Like all kingdoms, this one contained some golden power everyone wanted. It was a prosperous land, with many trees, tall mountains, and peace. But one day, a naughty sorceress, named the Naughty Sorceress (Up to you to decide what I mean by naughty) found the golden power and demanded it be given to her. They said "No", but she took the power anyway, because that's how evil she is! She kidnapped the King, and darkness spread over the land. Evil monsters came out of their hidey-holes to terrorize the citizens, and bigger evil monsters came out of their hidey-holes to terrorize THOSE monsters, which were terrorized by the Sorceress. But one day, when it seemed all hope was lost, out of the blue, a hero garbed in green came to defeat the sorceress! When he approached to tell the Council of his plans, they told him, "Okay, but take your time. Seriously, there's no rush." And rush he didn't. He waited many years before he decided, "Okay, I'm going now!". Wielding the ridiculously huge sword of Naughty Sorceress's bane, along with the help of Nava, the blood-sucking mosquito, and Ian, the turtle, he sealed away the naughty one and gave light back to the land. He was also helped by the other 5 Legendary Heroes: the intimidating Seal Clubber, the charming Accordion Thief, the sneaky Disco Bandit, the uber-powerful Pastamancer and the mysterious Sauceror. The boy was a Turtle Tamer, as green as the clothes he wore. This boy, who took many years to complete his quest which he could've done in 3 minutes, was thus called the Hero of Taking Too Much Time, shortened to the Hero of Time. The boy's tale was passed down through generations until it became legend...But then... a day came when a fell wind fell on the land. The great evil that was thought to be sealed away came back to continue it's reign of darkness. The people thought that the Hero of Taking Too Much Time would return to save them, but he didn't return. He was probably slacking off in Termina. Faced with an onslaught of evil, the people could do nothing but appeal to the gods. In their last hours, as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate. What became of that kingdom? None remained who knew. The memory of the kingdom vanished, but its legend survived on the wind's breath. On a certain island, it became customary to garb boys in green when they came of age. Clothed in the green of fields, they aspired to find ridiculously huge blades and cast down evil. The elders wished only for the youths to know courage like the hero...

Outset Island

"Big brother!" came the rather annoying voice of his sister, Aryll. "Pick up your carcass and go see grandma! NOW!" She picked Link up and threw him off the tower before he even realized what she was saying. Link splashed into the water below the tower and quickly rose to the surface. He got to the shore and then yelled, "What the hell was that for! I could've drowned!" "No one would've missed you!" came back her reply, "Now go see grandma before I beat you to death with my telescope!". Link didn't like to admit it, but his sister bullied him. He wondered how she became so intimidating and mean, well, only to him. To everyone else, she was Link's sweet sister. He didn't dare tell anyone. He remembered this one time where he was about to tell his grandma about where he got a nasty bruise on the back of his head, but his sister drew a knife whenever his grandma wasn't looking. He really didn't want to take his chances.

The walk to his house was uneventful. That is, if every movement he made was being watched by his sister is uneventful. Link entered and was greeted by his grandma. "I've been waiting for you, Link. Here you are Link. Try these on. No, try them on right here. It doesn't matter if I'm looking. No, I'm not going to let you go without me looking. I want to see. Stop trying to hide Link. Want me to put them on for you? No? Come on... Here, let me just-" Aryll abruptly entered the room and Grandma stopped what she was doing. "Hurry up. Put on the clothes and get out here." She slammed the door and Grandma looked down. "Fine. There's no arguing with your sister. I'll just be over here..." She walked away into the kitchen. Link sighed relief, and put on the clothes. Grandma came out of the kitchen and quickly (okay fine, slowly) explained about the hero of legend wearing clothes like these, and she ranted that they should've been more revealing. Before she could say anything about peace, Link simply said, "I'm going to find Aryll. Goodbye." and slammed the door behind him. He would much rather be killed painfully and quickly then extremely slowly and almost painless.

He came on top of the tower and met Aryll at the top. "Okay. I know I've done many bad things to you in the past, but I'm trying to change." Was Link's ears deceiving him? He suddenly paid extra attention. "To start, I want you to have my telescope." No. Way. This was too good to be true. His sister suddenly regretting spreading pain? He became suspicious and asked, "What's the catch?" Aryll thought for a moment and said, "You'll see soon enough. Now here." she said and passed him the telescope. It had the same ferocity as it always did, and Link took the telescope silently, trying to think things over. This was the first nice thing she had ever done. He remembered her early words and said, "Thanks." Wow. That was one word he NEVER expected to say to her. She pointed off the tower and said "Let's try it out. Are you looking at the postbox? Are you using the C-Stick to zoom? Is that the postman?...You don't see that everyday. Look up in the sky." Link did what she said and dropped the telescope in shock. A giant bird carrying a girl was being under attack by pirates!

"That's animal cruelty!" Link yelled, and the bird was hit by one of the stones, dropping the girl into The Spooky Forest. "We've gotta stop them!" "No. We've gotta save the girl." "I don't think that's a good idea..." Link said, looking into the telescope to the pirate ship. "She might be in with those pirates. They just might pillage here next. Sorry, but if you want to save her do it yourself."

Link was about to climb down the stairs when he heard the soft click of a loaded shotgun. "I didn't think I made myself clear. Save. NOW!" She then slammed the butt of the gun into Link's back, throwing him off the tower. Again. "But I don't have anything to protect my-" He stopped abruptly when he fell onto the wooden deck, instead of the water. Ow.

After 5 minutes of groaning in pain, Aryll sighed and told him that if he didn't move, she was going to drown him herself. Miraculously, he suddenly healed. "But what am I going to use for a weapon? Can I have the shotgun?" Link said, pointing to it. "Find one. How do you think I got this?" Aryll replied, holding up the shotgun. Link sighed, and after 3 hours of looking for a weapon (he wondered why the pirates just didn't get the girl themselves) he reached Orca's house. He went inside, and looked at all the weapons. This could be a breeze with this stuff! He saw Orca ram himself into the wall. What was he doing? Trying to break it? That shouldn't be a problem with the stuff he had. He looked around and picked up a RPG-29 Rocket Launcher. He loaded a rocket inside and said, "Orca, move." Orca just turned and saw a rocket coming his way! Using l33t-Fu moves, he stopped the missile and reflected it back at Link. "Oh boy." Link said out loud.

After 3 weeks of nursing wounds, Link was finally ready to save the girl. "It's a wonder you're still alive." Orca commented. Even Aryll was slightly impressed. Or it could've been that she now had to think of more grueling ways to torture him. "Okay, before you can save that girl, I need to teach you the way of the blade." Orca said, passing Link a Hero's Sword. "Why can't you just give me the Hero's Gun?" Link said, pointing to a futuristic gun on the other side of the room. "Not after last time. Now, first press the B button to slash me! Wrong! Press the B button! Wrong! JUST press the B button! WRONG! Take your fingers off the L-target and just press the B-Button! ...That's it! Take this! I will not stop smacking you around until you perform a Horizontal Slash!" Orca screamed at him, bashing him in the nose. "Oh! A HORIZONTAL slash? Why didn't you just say so?" Link said. "WRONG! THAT'S A ING VERTICAL SLASH! YOU'RE SUCH A ING IDIOT!" Whoa. Link NEVER heard Orca swear before. He must be doing really good!

This went on for about 3 hours until Link performed a horizontal slash simply out of exhaustion. By the way Orca screamed, he was surprised he didn't lose his voice. He tried too hard to praise his students. "THANK GOD! FINALLY! OKAY, PERFORM A VERTICAL SLASH WITH L-TARGET AND B BUTTON! THAT'S A HORIZONTAL SLASH! VERTICAL! NO!" At least he calmed down a bit.

(Many hours of fighting later) "Finally...Here...Take it...And-" Orca fell over and collapsed. Link was so tired he really didn't care. He walked out and went to the Spooky Forest. He entered, and a fluffy bunny popped out!

Suddenly, all of Link's exhaustion went away and he sprung into action. This is one of the cute, fluffy bunnies that populate the spooky forest. Link wasn't entirely sure why it was called the "Spooky Forest" because he never imagined any spooky circumstances coming about because of these things. Nonetheless, it was probably safer to destroy it. It had the element of surprise, so it striked first. The bunny hopped towards Link. He jumped backwards, but tripped on his own feet, fell down and hit his head on a rock. Ow. After a quick recovery, he slapped the fluffy bunny on the forehead with the flat of his blade producing a very satisfying thwap sound. It fell over and died, producing a few rupees.

Link continued deeper and stopped when he saw two large birds carrying two imp...things and dropping them. Was he going to have to save them too? Probably not, because they took up an offensive stance and attacked! Link was ready this time, and grabbed the closest attacker and headbutted it. He was dazed for a few moments, and that gave the other enemy an opening. He did a roundhouse kick, but Link realized what was happening, dodged, and sliced off it's foot. It fell on the ground in pain. The other attacker was on the floor too, but he got up. It poked him with his horns. Or it could be his pointy ears. Either way, he was being poked. Ow. They were pointy. Link shook it off and slashed at him, killing him. He erupted into smoke, leaving the wounded imp and Link.

"Please!" the imp sobbed, "I have a family to feed! I have a wife! I have kids! I swear on my grandfather and all of the other W Imps that I won't bother you ever again!" Link thought for a moment, and before he could say anything, the W Imp fell over, dead. At least he knew what species it was. And the amount of rupees he would get for this. There were a few species of imps he knew. The dreaded P Imp and the pitiful but dangerous L Imp, but never a W Imp. From what he heard, these W Imps were probably much weaker than the others. The girl who was dropped from the bird killed it without making any noise. "Wow. What's with the get-up? Where am I? Oh yeah! The bird got me and ...Wait.." She took out a money bag and counted the rupees inside. He decided it would be good to look at his own spoils and looked for his money bag. He looked up. She took his money bag! "Hey! That's my money!" She passed the bag to him and winked, saying, "Gotcha. Okay, now where am I-"

A pirate popped out and yelled, "Miss Tetra! Miss Tetra!" He ran over and said, "Good! You're safe! We all thought you were dead, so we just left you up here for three.." He stopped and looked down. She wasn't going to be pleased about hearing that her pirate crew left her for dead for three weeks. "So anyway, we just pillaged boats surrounding the island. Come on, let's get you out of this here. And who are you?" He pointed at Link. "Forget him. Let's go!" What was presumably Miss Tetra ran off with the pirate. He wondered why, then looked down and saw that she stole his money bag! Again! He ran after them and left the Spooky Forest.

He ran out of the forest and met up with the two pirates. "Hey-" Link began, but he saw Aryll across the bridge leading to the forest. If she saw he had money, she would probably mug him. She waved at them, flashing an innocent smile and trying to hide the shotgun. Probably trying to make a good first impression on the pirates. Link looked away and saw the giant bird coming back! Aryll was already one step ahead of him. She drew the shotgun and fired off her first shot. The bullets bounced off the bird's helmet, doing nothing. She pulled out a hunting rifle and fired, but it had the same effect. Finally, she pulled out a rocket launcher (Link was beginning to wonder where she kept all these weapons) but never got a chance to fire at. The bird snatched her and carried her off. Link smiled and cried tears of joy. Aryll was finally gone! As he looked up, he gasped and saw Aryll's glaring, angry face in the distance, she opened her hand, and inside was Link's most prized possession. His life's savings. The day was going from bad to worse. "No!" He screamed and ran after the bird, and was about to jump off, but he was grabbed on the shoulder by the pirate girl. "She's gone." she said softly, "Get a hold of yourself. There's nothing you can do." She probably only said that so she could steal the rest of his rupees, but Link didn't notice it at the time.

Link, Tetra, and who he learned was Gonzo the pirate, walked down the mountain. Link couldn't believe it. That money bag had a fortune, 30 000 rupees in which he was going to use to BUY Outset Island. He forgot how he made that much money. The economy was really messed up. If Aryll had her hands on funds like those, she could purchase her own personal army. Link shuddered uncontrollably while they walked. Then, she could begin an ocean-wide campaign to bring the Great Sea to it's knees with an iron fist, spreading her evil dictatorship influence all over the world. The world would be destroyed! Not if Link could stop it. "I want to come with you." Link said finally. The three just stopped, and Tetra looked at him. "Do you know what you're asking?" She said, much more forcefully then last time. She must've realized he had no more money. "We're pirates. The terror of the seas. It's really sweet you want to save your sister, but it doesn't benefit us. Maybe except for a few laughs when you die anyway."

Suddenly, a large figure flew in and said, "And how do you figure that?" It was Quill, the Rito postman. The Ritos were a strange race. They were an avian race, with arms able to transform to wings and back. Tetra raised an eyebrow, and began to speak more softly. Link looked carefully at her hands. They were behind her back. "Are you saying there is treasure there?" Quill quickly replied, "Please! All I mean to say is that if you big, bad pirates hadn't come to this island, Aryll wouldn't have been taken by that bird." Tetra crossed her arms, and Link realized she had a bag in her hands. Quill's Delivery Bag! "How the hell did you-" Link began, but Quill interrupted and told him to let him finish explaining. Link never knew how she was able to do that. And he'll probably die without knowing. "Anyway, there is a rumour that young girls with pointed ears like you have been taken to the Not Really Forsaken Fortress, never to be seen again." Tetra dropped the bag and gasped in shock. It was probably genuine, because she started...twitching after. "The bird mistook the girl for you, and grabbed her instead. Thus, you owe Link a favour. Also, he saved you from the horrible fluffy bunnies of the Spooky Forest." Link looked down, embarrassed. It sounded rather cowardly coming from Quill's mouth. "I could've handled myself..." Tetra finally said, but so quiet, Link couldn't hear her at first. "And going to the Not Really Forsaken Fortress could result in a fate worse than death! It's not brave! It's stupid!" Tetra said, finally bringing her confident voice up. "Anyway, find some more protection before we shift off. If we're going to help you, let's make it a success." Link nodded, and ran off.

When she said "protection", Link thought that she meant heavier weapons. He stopped by Orca's house, and after a quick explanation, Orca let him take some firearms, but he wouldn't explain how to use them after last time. He must have spent 30 minutes there, debating with Orca what the best weapon choices were. After a very heated argument, they agreed that he should be limited to three weapons for maximum agility and firepower. He already had a close-ranged sword in case he ran out of ammo (Link considered himself trigger-happy), so he took a Hunting Rifle (Link wanted a M82 Barrett but Orca said it would take too long to set up) and a Desert Eagle for close range. He debated he wanted an AK-47 for medium range, but he could barely fire and hold the thing. He stuffed his pack full of grenades and ammo and left. He did forget one thing though: How the hell did Orca get this kind of weaponry?

When he went back to Tetra, she kind of stared at him for a moment, before telling him she meant a shield, not bigger weapons. He told her he couldn't carry anymore stuff, but she told him to figure it out himself. After a very long time, he finally sighed and dropped the hunting rifle and the ammo. He would never get rid of the Desert Eagle though. He knew exactly where to get a shield. He went home, and climbed to the top of the house. The family shield was gone! He climbed down the stairs to just leave and debate with Tetra that firearms were better, but he was stopped by his grandma. "...Is this what you're looking for?" Grandma said. Link looked down. Oh boy. Now he was going to have to explain that he was leaving, he nearly killed Orca, and that his sister was going to start an evil campaign to enslave the Great Sea. "...Take it with you." she said, and gave it to him. Wow. That was easier than he thought. "So it is true then? Aryll has been kidnapped...Hasn't she?" Link left her alone to sob. He wasn't exactly good at comforting.

Link finally went back to Tetra, and after being caught trying to sneak an AK-47 on board and searched several times, went on board the pirate ship. The townspeople gathered together to wave off Link goodbye. Link sighed. It may be the last time he saw them, he thought, as he waved. The pirate ship set off, opening it's sails and the townspeople saying things like, "Good Luck!", or "Don't forget to write!", or "Give me back my Desert Eagle or I'll gut you!". The island almost disappeared into the horizon, until Link's Grandma popped out to give a final wave. "How long is this gonna take?" Tetra said, sitting next to Link. "We could just turn back. Give up. There's still time." Link shook his head. If he failed, everything he knew would be destroyed. He had no doubts that Aryll would easily be able to escape her prison, or where ever they put her.

Link looked away and looked at the shield. "This is a picture of the Septforce." he remembered his grandma explaining. It was a septagon with 7 smaller septagons inside the larger one. He remembered something like this from some video game, but he quickly thought about the rest of the explanation. "There was Six Heroes, representing each of the septagons. However, there was one Great Evil, represented by the top septagon, greater than the other six." She pointed to the highest of the seven. "The goddesses blessed 7 children with powers. Each goddess bore a virtue. The turtle goddess was Patience. The seal was Courage. The bird, Honesty. The tree, Hope. The snake, Faith. The fish, Fortune. However, the Vile One was Destiny. One day, the Evil One attempted to shift the power and try to take the world her own. However, under the Turtle Hero, the six Heroes united, and banished the evil one. The Evil One was not dead though. She was just starting. The six left the kingdom, and the Evil One took the throne." She had to end the story abruptly, though. He never knew if the story had a happy ending. "Link! Go in the hold. We're pirates, so we can't let you work on deck. You'll make us appear less ferocious." He wondered if his own story was going to have a happy ending as he entered the hold of the ship.