What on Earth possessed me to write this?
Disclaimer: Actually, I DO own Death Note -- that's why I have to scavenge pennies from the streets to be able to buy each volume one at a time, and I read each one slowly, savouring each panel...OF COURSE I DON'T BLOODY OWN DEATH NOTE.
It was late at night in the Wammy house, and all had been quiet for the whole day. Mostly because it was raining it down with piss outside and no one knew what to do, so they stayed inside to catch up on their reading and studying and what not. Seriously, they did.
A small, white-haired boy sat alone in the middle of the floor, in either hand a different robot. He did not move the robots nor did he make them speak, but in his head an epic battle was raging between the two.
"And I," the yellow robot countered, "think that it is I who shall succeed the great black robot!"
The white robot shook his head. "I think you shall find that I am most certainly much more capable than you are, my deadly rival!"
"Why do we not simply compromise and put our brilliant skill and cunning together to surpass even the black robot?" the yellow robot reasoned.
"Fantastic plan!" the white robot cried. "Perhaps we shall be able to catch the mysterious killer robot that has been eluding us for so long!!"
Near sighed and put down his robots. Yes, it's all well and good to call a truce when you're a ten-inch tall plastic robot, but unfortunately Near was (contrary to popular belief) all too human.
He saw exactly what would happen with those robots; along with the black robot, the yellow and white robots would solve the Killer Robot Case and be respected by friends and foes alike.
With another sigh, Near began to pack away his toys and get ready for bed. It was late and his eyes were starting to droop. Many people believed that Near was beyond the need for sleep and that he was some kind of freakish-superhuman. Near laughed in their faces, but silently.
The door banged open just as a distant clock chimed midnight. Near was surprised, but he didn't show it. In the doorway stood a boy all in black with a zombie mask obscuring his features. Beside him stood another boy, slightly taller, who was wearing a fake stick-on moustache and a red hat and was absorbed in whatever game he was playing on his DS.
Near sighed. "What is it, Mello, Matt?"
Mello raised an empty burlap sack. "Trick or Treat, so give me the damn chocolate."
"It's the thirteenth of February, Mello."
"Fourteenth, actually, if you failed to hear the clock," Mello replied.
"Either way, it's not Halloween. It's Valentine's day."
"Bah! I hate Valentine's day. I decided that I'm going to rebel!"
"How, may I ask, can dressing up in a Halloween costume on Valentine's day be considered as rebelling?"
"Shut up and give me candy," said Mello, opening his sack insistently.
"I have no candy," said Near, exasperated.
"Then I'm terribly sorry but I'm going to have to take you hostage."
"Mello, what on Earth –" Near began, but he never finished as Mello had pulled his burlap sack over Near's head.
"Come on, Matt, let's go continue our rebellion!" Mello cheered.
"Yeah," said Matt absently.
Once they were safely inside Mello's room, Mello released Near's head from the bag. The younger boy glared at Mello, but in a subtle way. He was the only one who could do this, as he's freaking awesome.
"Do you know what?" said Near, severely ticked off.
"What?" said Mello.
"You've lost the game."
Mello did nothing but raise his eyebrow in confusion, but Matt threw his DS onto the floor and screamed out loud.
"I hate you!" he screeched. "Four months without losing, and now you go and break my winning streak!"
If Near hadn't been Near, he would have smirked and teased Matt about it. But unfortunately he was Near, and couldn't let himself do that.
"Care to tell me what you two are babbling on about?" said Mello.
"H-he made me lose," said Matt angrily.
"I don't get it," said Mello.
"Never mind," said Matt, rolling his eyes. "So what was it that we were going to do next?"
"Well," said Mello, grinning his brilliant grin. "This was my grand plan; Step 1, kidnap Near. Step 2," Mello paused. "Step 3, profit! I mean, candy."
"Genius!" Matt declared. Mello bowed low and blew kisses.
"Would either of you care to elaborate?" said Near, beyond the point of mere exasperation.
"Well, Matt and I don't like Valentine's day," Mello said, shrugging.
"It sucks," Matt interjected.
Mello nodded. "It sucks ass. So, we decided if we rebelled and dressed up as if it was Halloween, people would be reminded of Halloween and how much better it is than Valentine's Day."
"But why," Near asked almost impatiently, "does that involve kidnapping me?"
Mello scratched his neck. "Er."
Near sighed quietly and stood up, heading for the door.
"Seize him!" Mello ordered, and Matt obeyed, clamping his arms tightly around the small boy's waist. Near squirmed and struggled but couldn't get free from hands that had grown strong from hours of gripping joysticks and consoles.
"We're holding you ransom until we get lots of candy!" said Mello, high-fiving Matt. "We'll be back soon enough. If you leave this room while I am gone, I swear I will find you, torture you and eventually kill you with kitchen cutlery and household objects."
Near sighed and curled up into his usual sitting position on the floor, twirling a strand of impossibly white hair around his index finger. Matt and Mello left, and so Near was on his own.
EXPLORING TEIM.
Near made sure they were at the other end of the corridor before he silently stood and began to rifle through Mello's draws. His clothes were all black, apart from a pair of faded green socks, an old torn pair of jeans and a few red pairs of boxer shorts. At the bottom of the underwear draw was an old porno mag with the name Matt scribbled all over the cover. Near flicked through the pages, grimacing at the scantily-clad women and men.
Placing the mag safely back where he found it, Near continued his excursion around the room. He found Mello's stash of chocolate behind his set of drawers, along with a small black notebook. Near opened it and read the first passage.
Dear diary,
I want a pony. Matt says I'm a puff because I want a pony but I can beat him up any day so HA, HA, Matt, you suck.
Also I hate broccoli. I hate it hate it hate it. We had to eat it with dinner tonight and I said "No way am I eating that, it's vile," and Roger was all like, "YOU WILL EAT IT" and I was all like, "NO I WON'T" and Roger was all like "YES YOU WILL" and I was all like, "OH YEAH WELL YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE ME" and then Matt started laughing so I punched him and then Roger shoved the broccoli into my mouth and IT WAS VILE and I hated it so I spat it out and it went on Roger's shirt and he got really mad then, he was all, "Mello this shirt is new" so I was like, "I HATE YOU" and I left. So yeah, I hate broccoli.
I hope I get a pony for Christmas this year.
LOVE MELLO, THE COOLIEST PERSON IN WAMMY'S.
Near closed the book, very disturbed, and placed it back with the chocolate.
Mello and Matt returned about half an hour later, sacks empty, looking very disappointed.
"That went well," said Mello sarcastically.
"Mm," grunted Matt, trying to rescue Princess Peach.
"Wait, wait," said Mello, turning to Matt. He pressed the power button on the DS and flung it across the room, and before Matt had chance to look indignant, Mello grabbed his shoulders and said, "If Halloween didn't work, then maybe something else will!"
"What, like Easter?" said Matt.
"Exactly," said Mello. "But I'm not being the Easter bunny."
"Neither am I!" Matt protested. They glared at each other for a second, until they simultaneously got an idea. They turned their heads in unison to grin identical evil grins at Near.
"What?" said Near, and his heart started thumping.
"Hey, Near, come here for a second," said Matt. He pulled a permanent marker out of his pocket.
Near could only tremble in barely contained fear as they two grew closer and closer...
Someone hammered on the door.
Linda looked up from her sketch book and wondered who could be calling at barely one in the morning.
"Hello?" she said questioningly, opening the door.
A sickeningly cute sighed invaded her vision; it was one of Near, stuffed into an oversized bunny costume that had taken refuge in the Wammy storage room many years ago after a school production. He had black lines (whiskers) squiggled onto his cheeks and pink poster paint splattered onto his nose. The ears of the costume flopped around his shoulders and one snowy white paw had closed around a wicker basket.
"Oh, Near!" Linda squealed. "You're so cute!"
"Hello, Linda," said Near, as if he were bored. "I'm the Easter bunny, apparently."
"But it's not Easter yet," said Linda suspiciously.
"No shit, Sherlock," Mello called from the other end of the corridor.
Linda sighed. "Mello and Matt put you up to this, didn't they?"
Near didn't reply, but instead held up his basket almost hopefully.
"Aren't you supposed to give me chocolate?" said Linda. She leaned against her doorframe.
"I'm very sorry, Linda, but the Easter bunny just realised that he's been getting the raw deal and is coming around to collect the chocolate he's given out in previous years," Matt provided, appearing out of nowhere.
"Get lost," said Linda, slamming the door in their faces.
Matt, Mello and Near stood in front of Linda's door, Near shifting slightly in the huge warm costume.
"This is your fault," said Mello, yanking one of the bunny ears.
"Why am I still wearing this ridiculous costume?" Near panted, struggling to keep up with Mello as they danced around a maypole. Well, Mello danced – Near limped half-heartedly, hanging onto the pole for support. They were outside in the still-dark grounds of Wammy's, and Mello had somehow acquired a maypole from god knows where and had erected it in the middle of the field. Matt was Morris Dancing in the back ground, listening to Daft Punk through headphones to pass the time.
Mello was very tempted to say "fan service" to Near's question but instead fobbed Near off with "Because I like to make you suffer, m'kay?"
Near huffed and continued 'dancing', pretending not to hear as Mello started yodelling for no apparent reason.
"HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY!" Mello yelled, dancing like a leprechaun. He'd forced Near out of the bunny costume and into a strange assortment of green clothes intended to be some sort of leprechaun get-up. The closest thing they could find to a shamrock in the grounds was a few clovers, so Matt had picked as many as he could be bothered to and was now scattering them around the corridors of Wammy's.
Roger burst out of his office wearing a ghastly maroon dressing gown and bellowed "BE QUIET!" at the three boys, and ordered them to go back to their rooms.
"I don't know what else to do," Mello moaned, sinking down onto his bed. It was now six in the morning and they had gone through all of the holidays the two boys could think of. "Hanukah didn't seem like the best bet; that Jewish kid got more than a little offended..."
"I know!" said Matt, clapping his hands. "St Valentine's Day!"
Mello threw a book at him.
"In all your excitement it seems that you forgot one of the most important holidays," said Near quietly. He was squashed up in the corner, wearing his usual white pyjamas with his wrists bound together with red liquorish rope Matt had unearthed from his pocket and picked the lint off of.
"What's that, then?" said Matt.
"Christmas!" Mello exclaimed suddenly.
Matt facepalmed. "How could we have forgotten Christmas?!"
"Matt, go to the storeroom, and find a tree, tinsel, wrapping paper, y'know, Christmassy stuff!" Mello ordered.
As soon as Matt was through the door, Mello turned to Near with that familiar glint in his eye.
Near groaned. "What now?" he asked.
Once again, there was a knock on Linda's door. She sighed and answered the door with an irritable "What do you want?"
Matt and Mello, all dressed up in winter woollies with a book of Christmas carols burst into a chorus of "Jingle Bells". Their version had incredibly dirty lyrics.
"Oh, for Goodness' sake!" said Linda, rolling her eyes.
"I find that offensive," said Mello, as if wounded.
"If you didn't like our singing you should have at least been polite about it!" Matt cried indignantly.
"And we went to the troubled of bringing you a present as well," Mello choked through fake tears.
Indeed, behind them a human-sized package containing something that squirmed and gave muffled cries when Mello accidentally stood on it.
Linda gasped, charged forward and ripped off the wrapping paper to reveal a gasping Near clutching his throat, dressed up as Santa Claus (but minus the beard).
"Are you okay?" Linda fussed, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to his feet. She turned, livid, to face Matt and Mello. "You idiots! He could have suffocated!"
"We gave him some air holes," said Matt defensively, pointing to tiny pencil-sized punctures in the paper.
"Well, if you aren't happy with your present, I've got some mistletoe," said Mello, producing a bunch from his pocket and dangling it over himself. He puckered his lips jokingly. "Fancy a snog, Linda?"
Linda screwed up her face in disgust and pushed Near towards the two boys. Near collided with Mello, nearly knocking the taller boy over, but then Mello grabbed his arm and steadied both of them as Linda's door slammed shut again.
"Uh-oh!" said Matt, chuckling.
"What?" said Mello. Matt pointed to the bunch of mistletoe that was still suspended in air by Mello's fingers. It was held directly above his and Near's head.
Mello hissed and dropped the mistletoe so that it landed on top of Near's crimson Santa hat, but Matt shook his head and said, "You were still under it! You've got to kiss now."
Near looked mortified and Mello looked disgusted. "I'm not kissing that stupid sheep!"
"Why, is it because you're too much of a chicken?" Matt goaded, and he made clucking chicken noises.
That was a serious blow to Mello's pride. The tall boy tucked a lock of straw coloured hair behind his ear, placed his hands on Near's shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss.
It was only a quick, dry peck on his lips, but it was enough to make Near blush painfully and spring away. Matt guffawed, victorious.
Mello wiped his mouth vigorously and scowled at the red-headed boy. "You are so going to die for this, Matt," he growled.
"It's worth it," Matt giggled.
Near just stood, flushed and swaying from side to side nervously, wondering what the hell had just happened.
"So that's it," said Mello. "Our rebellion failed."
It was nine in the morning and the three boys were lounging in the common room, Near stacking a tower of dice, Mello laying upside-down on a couch and Matt on the floor, tapping away at his DS.
Sweet hearts were exchanging cards and pleasantries, admirers were admitting their feelings for each other and several orphans – Mello, for example – were sulking because they hated the day so much.
"I understand why you dislike the sentimentality of this day," said Near, placing another dice on top of his precarious tower. "But I would have thought you enjoyed getting chocolate."
Mello's ears literally pricked up.
"Chocolate," Mello repeated, as if it was something that he vaguely recalled having ages ago.
"Valentine's day chocolates are exchanged as a sign of affection," Near stated blandly.
"I love chocolate!" Mello exclaimed, righting himself.
"Oh, so that'd never be the reason that you eat it all the time?" said Matt.
"You, Near!" said Mello. "Buy me some Valentine's chocolates!"
"Valentine's day chocolate are exchanged as a sign of affection," Near repeated.
"Fine, I'll get you some too," said Mello impatiently. "Just go buy some already!!"
"As a sign of affection," Near emphasized.
Mello grabbed Near's face and kissed him. Hard.
"There!" said Mello. "You don't get much more affectionate than that. Now. Chocolate."
Near nodded dazedly, stood and exited the common room.
"You're evil," Matt stated.
"I know," said Mello, smug.
That morning, Near bought the whole supply of Thornton's chocolate for Mello and put it all on L's credit card.
Mello loved the albino boy forever.
Matt still wonders what the heck happened that day.
L got a nasty shock when he received his credit card bill soon afterwards.
Love it? Hate it? Had a seizure because of it? Why don't you review and tell me about it?
The Cat with the Green Scarf