Is It Enough?
By: Mrs. Nina Cullen
Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or any of the characters (although I like to pretend I do)
Life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to.
Every decision you make can change the future good or bad.
Seventeen years ago I met the man of my dreams. Although I didn't know it at the time. See I had just moved to this small town in Forks, Washington. My dad had gotten a new job as their chief of police. I had started a new school mid year which was not fun but to my surprise I made a friend on my very first day of school. Mary Alice Brandon (or just Alice) was one of the nicest people I have ever met, and she still is. After that first day Alice and I spent a lot of time together. Alice had an older brother, Emmett. He was and still is the biggest goofball ever. From day one he treated me like his little sister. And no he is not the man of my dreams, EWW. No his best friend Edward Anthony Masen was the man of my dreams. He was beautiful, smart and always nice. I had a huge crush on him the moment I first laid eyes on him (even though he was covered in mud from playing foot ball out in the rain with Emmett). Then, five short years later. In my sophomore year (his junior year) of high school he asked me out. I was the happiest girl on the face of the earth the day he asked me out. Alice said she thought she heard the boys talking the week before about Edward asking a girl he liked out. I had been heart broken until he I learned it had been me he wanted to ask out. We had a great relationship. Don't get me wrong we fought and we argued but when we made up it was always just as passionate as our fights got. We made it through till he finished high school and went off to college. Him being in college and so far away put a strain on our relationship but alas we worked through it (as we always did) and the following year when I joined him things back to normal (at least normal for us).
The night he graduated from college he asked me to be his wife and of course I said yes. One year and two months later we were married. We were happy and we began our lives together as man and wife. We both worked hard and not just to earn money but at our relationship. We always made time for each other. Than we some how got into a routine. We weren't trying as hard on our relationship anymore. We just went through the motions. We would see each other in the morning as we grabbed our coffee and a cereal bar on or way out. Dinner was always take out that one of us would pick up on the way home from work. After dinner we either did more work that we couldn't get done during the day (which went Edward was in our home office working while I sat in our room with my laptop.) or he would watch TV while I read (and never in the same room). Sex was few and far between not because we didn't want it but because we were so tired at the end of the day we just didn't try. That was our life in a nut shell we stopped trying and the worst part was neither of us had noticed the change.
That was until one night when everything changed. I was at work late (like normal) and I had some important papers I needed copied and grouped so I could have them ready for a presentation the next day. I had one of our new interns helping me. I'm not sure how it happened or how it started but when I realized what was going on I was half naked making out with the intern on my desk while he tried to free himself from his pants. That was the moment I realized something was wrong. I pushed him off and redressed quickly than bolted out of there. When I got home I was alone. I took a hot shower were I went through everything that had happened that night and in the past five years of marriage. I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. That was the beginning of the end for me. I took a personal day the following day. I wasn't ready to face anyone. That was when I made the conscious decision to fix my marriage. When I got back to work I told them I need to work less hours. I could no longer do 70 hour weeks. I went out and bought sexy outfits to ware around the house and sexy nighties for bed. I started making us dinner every night. If Edward was in the home office working I would grab my book or laptop and sit in the sofa we had in there. If he was watching TV I would sit with him. At night I would try to seduce him and that somewhat worked. We did have more sex but he wasn't a passionate any more. It was just sex and I was usually left to get myself off at the end. But nothing else changed I was trying my hardest and he did everything exactly the same as always. He didn't notice anything. He just kept going with the flow.
I tried for six months and nothing. I got nothing more than I had been and I was getting discouraged. I loved my husband more than anything in the world but I wasn't happy anymore. Loving each other was no longer enough. We had to work at the relationship and I couldn't do it alone, not anymore. It took me two months after realizing that to something needed to change and fast. I decided to give him one more chance to show me he noticed the change. That he at least wants to try. I would take anything. That night I made his favorite dish and dessert. I wore something sexy and made more of an effort than normal on my hair. He was late getting home (only fifteen minutes so I didn't worry to much). He came in said hi then went straight to room to change. When he came down for dinner he said nothing out of the ordinary. He didn't say anything about dinner or the way I looked. Once he was done he went and sat in front of the TV to watch some type of crime program. The next day I found a lawyer and filed for divorce. I talked to the lawyer and he told me that everything should be pretty simple just split everything in half. I made things easier by letting Edward keep that house. When I was done I went home and packed some clothes and rented a room at a hotel close to where I work. I went back home so that I could talk to Edward and tell him what was going on but when I got home Edward was already there.
"How long?" he asked as soon as I stepped in to the living room.
"How long what?" I stood across the room from him not sure what he was talking about.
"How long have you been planing this? How long have you been planing on leaving me?" I looked at him while he tossed a stack of papers on the coffee table. He looked like he had been crying.
"I didn't plan it Edward. I tried so hard to make this work but it doesn't. We were just coasting by not noticing how far apart we were drifting apart. When I first noticed this I was shocked that we had gotten that way. Then I tried to fix things I tired to make it better but you never noticed the difference."
"Why didn't you just talk to me? Why didn't you tell me how you felt?" I could hear the hurt and raw emotion in his voice.
"Would it have made a difference, Edward?"
"I don't know but at least I would have known to fight for you." he moved towards me.
"All you had to do was notice and you didn't. I spent the last eight months trying to show you how much I love you. I changed and I worked really hard but you didn't notice any of it." I looked to the floor. I couldn't look at the hurt in his face. He grabbed my face gently in his hands and made me look at him.
"I'm so sorry baby but please, please don't leave me." he kissed me gently on the lips. "I love you so much and I can't lose you, I won't lose you." He placed his forehead on mine and hugged me. I could feel his tears on my face. I put my arms around his waist and held him tight.
"I love you too, so much it hurts, but is it enough? Is love enough to save this, us?"
"I'll do anything for you Isabella, please just give me a chance to prove it to you. Please."
"I we won't sign the papers but I need time to think. I need to get my thoughts and mind together." He nodded slowly then crushed his lips on mine. He kissed me and I kissed back with as much love and passion as we could muster in that moment. His hands moved up and down my back and under my shirt. Slowly we removed each others clothes. He kissed my body each one sending siring heat of passion through my body. We made slow passionate love that night and for the first time in a long time I felt that maybe it was going to be okay.
Reluctantly I went back to the hotel that night. I cried myself to sleep that night and every night after that. I spent that next week in the hotel. I didn't see or talk to Edward the whole week but he never let me forget him. Every day of that week he sent me something. Flowers one day, chocolates the next, cards, poems, and notes. Everything had something that expressed how much he loved me and knew me. That weekend I went back to the house to talk to him. I had to make sure he knew everything. How I felt, why I did the things I did and what had happened at work that opened my eyes. I was sitting at the dinning room table when he got home.
"Bella" he said surprised to see me. Yet he had a smile on his face.
"Hi" I said back.
"Are you back for good or just a visit."
"Not yet I wanted to talk to you first get somethings out in the open."
"Okay, so talk." he said as he sat across form me at the table.
"I spent the last week thinking about everything. How we met, how we got together and our whole relationship. I remember when I first met you and I never told you this but I knew the moment I met you that you and I were going to spend our lives together." He smiled at me.
"I remember you were eleven at the time, I had just turned thirteen. Emmett and I had been playing football when I started raining and it wasn't till we couldn't see through the rain that we went in. Alice had seen us and freaked out at how muddy we were but you, you just sat there smiling at us you even shook our hands. I remember thinking you had to be a pretty cool girl not to freak like Alice had." his smile grew as he remembered that day.
"I might have only been in eleven at the time but that was when I started to fall for you. I never stopped loving you Edward, never. I want you to know that."
"But..."
"No buts, I've always loved you and I always will no matter what happens now or in the future, I will always love you. I know that I don't know how to not love you. I'm just not capable of it."
"Then why? Why do this then?" I took a deep breath. I wasn't ready to tell him what I had done but I had to. It wasn't fair to keep it from him.
"About nine months ago I was at work. It was a normal day for me. Getting things ready for some presentation some one was going to do. It was getting late and I had a few more things to get done before I left for the day. I was tired so I had an intern help me. I don't know how it happened or how it started but I found myself making out with him. When I realized what was happening I stopped it before it could get any further. It was the first and last time that has ever happened but that was when I realized that something was wrong. It should never had happened but it did and I'm sorry."
"You cheated on me? You cheated then have the nerve to blame me for our marriage falling apart." I could hear the hurt in his voice. I could tell he was trying not to scream at me.
"I never blamed you for that Edward. It was both of us. We stopped trying. We stopped paying attention to what was going on. We went in to auto pilot. My horrible stupid mistake woke me up from that. I tired to make things right again, I tired to make an effort. I thought maybe if I tried harder you would notice."
"So let me get this straight, you cheat on me then feel bad about it and I'm the horrible husband because I thought everything was fine the way we were."
"That's not what I said Edward. Stop putting words in my mouth. I never said it was your fault."
"Yes, you did. I spent the last week going over everything I've ever done trying to see what I did wrong because you said I didn't care, that I never noticed you."
"I didn't mean for you to think that this was your fault. I just wanted you to notice. I wanted you to see that we had stopped trying. We got too comfortable just coasting by that, you didn't notice the little changes."
"You keep doing it. You keep putting the blame on me. I didn't notice. I didn't see but I did. I noticed the cooking and I loved it but I thought that you were just tired of take out, because I was. I noticed the sexy clothes you wore around the house but I thought you just wanted to feel a little sexier. I noticed that you would sit with me to watch TV or in my office when I was working and I loved it. I loved having you close to me and when you wore almost nothing it was even better."
"Then why didn't you say something?"
"I didn't know I had to."
"You didn't have to but it would have been nice to hear you say you noticed. That you liked not having to eat take out. That you liked watching me walk around half naked. Or just that you liked having me close to you."
"Well I just told you didn't I? You keep saying how I didn't say anything to you but would it have hurt you to tell me how you were feeling. Maybe if you would have told me then I would have known that something was off with us. I mean you even said your self you had no idea we were 'coasting by' until you betrayed me. So how is it fair that you keep pinning this on me? I love you Bella I really truly do but is this really about what I've done or haven't done or is this about you feeling bad for what you did and you want to make yourself feel better?" I just looked at him word failed me at that moment. I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry" was all that came out of my mouth. " I'm sorry." I said before I started to cry. "You're right. I should have said something to you. We should have had this conversation months ago and I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. Maybe you're right, maybe I just wanted it to put the blame on someone else. I've felt so horrible for what I did to you and I tried to make it better but it didn't work. Maybe somethings wrong with me. I don't know what to do. If this was the other way around I don't think I could be so calm."
"Trust me I'm far from calm but screaming won't solve anything. We need to fix this. We need to fix us."
"What if we start over. Go back to basics. We start getting to re-know each other. We can just sit here and talk or do something that the other really likes or something anything." I sugested.
"Okay but you have to come back home. I can't sleep not knowing your okay. If you want I can sleep on the pull out bed in the office."
"I can sleep on the pull out you shouldn't have too, you didn't do anything wrong."
"You're not sleeping on it. So either I sleep on it or we both just stay sleeping on our bed."
"Fine we will sleep on our bed."
"Good choice I probably would have had to sneak in anyways I like to hold you to sleep." He smiled softly at me.
"Are we okay?" I asked after a moment.
"No, but we will be." I nodded.
The next few weeks passed slowly. I continued to cook for us every night (except on Saturday, that was date night). We spent more time together even if we were busy doing things we would try to do it together or at least in the same room. My barely there attire was mandatory in the house (Edward added that to his list of improvement that we had made). That's another thing we did. A few nights after that talk we sat down and wrote down a list of things we wanted to fix in our relationship and things we wanted the other to do. Edward had insisted that I ware nothing or almost nothing around the house, depending on what I was doing ( I can't really cook and clean butt-naked for safety reasons) as long as he could see most of my body then he was okay. I happened to mention that our sex life was slightly lacking and that I wasn't always satisfied at the end. He seemed crestfallen to think he was not performing well. He suggested I just tell him what I want during sex. After that I became more vocal during sex and let me tell you it was well worth it. The sex got way better and I didn't need to take care of myself any more.
With the mind set to fix our marriage and both of being on the same page due to talking about things, we were doing and good. We did get in to a routine but every once and a while one of us would do something to mix it up. And just like that six months passed before we even realized it. That was when I got sick. It stated with a runny nose and a little coughing. Within three days I couldn't get out of bed, except when I was running to the bathroom to throw up. Edward forced me to go to the doctor and get medicated. I slowly got better but it was a slow recovery. When I was well enough to go back to work I did gladly but the symptoms didn't go away completely. Edward being the worry wort the he is asked me to go back to the doctor again just to make sure. They had asked me a million and five questions and did some blood work to rule out a few things before they made any suggestions as to why I was still sick.
"Hi honey I'm home." Edward yelled as he came in the house. I was sitting in the living room reading a book trying to distract myself.
"I'm in the living room." I said as I set my book down.
"How was your day?"
"Okay, I got a call from the doctors today. They got the results from the blood test today and wanted to tell me what they said." I looked at my hands. I was nervous and scarred of telling him what they said to me.
"Bella, what ever it is we will get through this. I promise I don't care how much it costs. You will be okay I promise you that. " I smiled at him.
"I know. The doctor said it should be out of my system in about eight months." I looked at him. He looked at me. I waited for some type of reaction or acknowledgment but he just stared. About ten minutes passed before he said anything.
"So you're... and we're... I'm ..." he took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. "So I'm going to be a daddy" I nodded he took another deep breath.
"You're mad right. I'm so sorry I know we're not ready for this."
"Bella I'm not mad. Surprised, scared, nervous, frightened, yes but I'm not mad. I've always thought about us having kids and I knew it would happen eventually. So we didn't plan it most pregnancies aren't. At least we are financial stable and have good jobs. Can you imagine if this would have happened while we were in high school."
"It couldn't have happened while we were in high school because we weren't having sex then."
"True but that's neither here nor there."
"Are we going to be okay? I mean we just went through a rough patch and are getting back to normal is this going to be okay?"
"We can get through it. We have dealt with worse but as long as we don't give up we should be okay."
"Yeah your right and besides I think our moms will be happy. Don't think I haven't heard your mother hinting about grand children. I bet between your mother and mine we might not even get to see our own child. Oh my god we're going to be parents." He nodded than smiled. Life didn't get easier but we still got through it. We always got through it even when we thought all hope was gone. So love might be enough to get you through life but its enough to make you want to try and that I believe, makes all the difference
The End