This is an Inception AU btw...and a very late christmas present.
There is something captivating about Suzaku's utter desperation. It sits heavy in his eyes, darkens them into shadows until all Lelouch can see is the frenetic energy driving the man on. He wants to go home to his family, he wants to create the perfect trap, and he wants Lelouch. He really can't seem to settle on any of these things so instead he catapults himself into the plan, the danger, and Lelouch wants him a little too. Suzaku is the perfect illustration of motion, spinning and spinning like his little bronze top, but just like the toy he has to settle eventually in a heavy sprawl as he is taken over by the gravity of life and living. It is humanity that Lelouch sees in him; broken into shards that reflect a man who could have been something perfect, like the smooth surface of an endless mirror reflecting them both into infinity or the wondering beauty of a sky made of mortar and black asphalt.
Suzaku spins that top just as relentlessly as he throws himself into his work, his goal, and Lelouch respects his desperation so deeply that he decides to go along with it all. Lelouch decides to try and save this stupid, brilliant soul from devouring itself.
Lelouch wavers only once and only because Euphemia's eyes are so alive when she drives that knife deep into Lelouch's gut.
Keystone, colonnade, dome and cornice…cornerstone, arch and plane…Lelouch wants some sort of classical order to slot the man into, some sort of style, but all Suzaku wants is a maze, a city in dreams, not of dreams, and certainly not the grandeur that Lelouch had once coveted. In fact, and Lelouch always stumbles there, the man's dreams actually tremble when faced with the utter magnificence that can be torn from the unconscious mind.
He just doesn't understand what he's done to Lelouch, not really…he doesn't understand how easy it would be for Lelouch to walk away if not for the woman who sparkles in a dead man's mind.
She was a lovely woman.
Lelouch checks the slant of the sun and reaches out to tug the delicate filigree clouds until they scatter like cotton wisps and give the garden a cleaner haze. It is a very pretty place, a memory of his mother's creation in the shadow of the villa they had all shared on the coast before everything went wrong.
It has been a place that has long since existed in Lelouch's dreams, but he was never able to grasp it fully. The ideal was always shadowed by the nightmare of the fire, the horror of finding her crumpled in a screaming sprawl. Now with the power he wields it is unmarked by death.
Lelouch doesn't need a black king to remind him of the real world but he keeps it all the same simply (perhaps not so simply some part of him whispers) because Suzaku told him to do so.
Lelouch has never been the habit of listening to other people order him about.
And because it is a dream Lelouch looks up and the man is there; straight-backed and smiling as he saunters in a steady pace, gazing around the garden around him with a small sigh.
"My subconscious is finally catching up to me." Lelouch puts down his metaphorical trowel. First it had been Nunnally, then his mother, and then to round out his very short list of loved ones… Suzaku shrugs and says nothing. It is, after all, Lelouch's dream and he likes the man best when he isn't spouting something unconsciously self-aggrandizing. Because really, how hard is it to con a man when he's out of his mind asleep? It's astonishing to Lelouch how quickly petty crime has descended into a turn-on.
"A dashing bandit." Lelouch rolls his eyes. "You've turned me into a paperback Heroine."
Suzaku's head cocks to the side, his eyes narrow in confusion…and Lelouch's subconscious has captured the bemused countenance of one Kururugi Suzaku perfectly, from the delicate flush to the way he bites absently at the inside of his cheek.
The real Suzaku would be staring at the nearest flat surface with desperate longing, his hand twitching towards the totem in his jacket pocket. Lelouch fingers his own for reassurance and then beckons the image of the man over with the crook of a finger.
Because it is a dream Suzaku follows.
And because it is Lelouch's dream there is a bed beneath them before Suzaku has time to blink.
Suzaku looks surprised for a brief moment, his eyes wide, and then an uncertain grin slips across his face. He's very handsome, Lelouch believes, but he hasn't quite figured it out yet, and though Lelouch knows he's only a projection, and that he's essentially talking to himself like some sort of madman, he tells Suzaku so with a sighed, "You're beautiful."
"You're brilliant." Suzaku returns, lifting himself up to kneel over Lelouch. "And you're beautiful too, Lelouch."
Lelouch snorts, indelicate and deeply amused and Suzaku's smile brightens.
"And incurably vain, apparently." Lelouch does not, however, mind imagining the real Suzaku saying so. "I suppose there's something to dream-psychiatry after all."
"In dreams you can be your own god." Suzaku's thumb brushes against Lelouch's lower lip. "There's nothing wrong with a little pride in your own head. I bet people are too afraid to tell you how brilliant you are to your face. You probably don't hear it enough. Let me guess…4.0 your whole life, right?"
Lelouch nods, wondering where his own projection is leading him on its merry way.
"You take it for granted then." Suzaku sighs, licking his own lips. "And it's not too strange that people are terrified of actual genius...of the divine."
A terrible thought enters Lelouch's mind and Suzaku says, "It's what I like best about you…how you make the impossible seem so easy."
And then Suzaku leans forward, his lips very, very close and between the tips of his fingers is that damned bronze top. Lelouch watches it spin and spin in the cotton sheets and then blushes bright red.
"I'm, uh…." Lelouch swallows and nothing feels easy at all. What do you say to a man you were about to fuck without him ever actually knowing?
"Sorry?" Suzaku's fingers skim the heat of his blush. He's smiling when he guides Lelouch's eyes to meet his own. "Don't be. You can't help what you dream, right?"
But Lelouch has never been a coward, and the words slip out. "We both know that's not true."
Suzaku chuckles with a deeply fond grin and Lelouch's heart starts to pound hard in his chest while the top spins and spins and spins. And then…then they kiss because Lelouch sees the look in his eyes and wants to make it so simple that it's simply undeniable, their connection, attraction, the way Lelouch can be what he needs and not care if he's what Suzaku actually wants.
It is a dream though, and the world slips away as dreams are wont to do, becoming nothing more than hazy sunlight and soft sheets as Lelouch closes his eyes and lets Suzaku inside his fantasy. He's so warm and his mouth mirrors the look in his eyes, his hands grasp at Lelouch like they search for his totem, holding Lelouch as if he's done it a million times before. Desperate, he's so damn desperate. With every heartbeat Lelouch's body throbs, grasping at Suzaku's waist with his thighs, baring his throat to the man's teeth and his rough sighs, holding his hands palm to palm, and Lelouch can hear himself moaning…can suddenly hear the wet slap of flesh and feel himself stretched and Suzaku deep inside.
And because it's a dream-
Lelouch nearly falls right out of the chair he's in as he sits up in shock. He's breathing hard, his whole body shaking as he searches for something tangible. He's got the black king clenched in his hand, feeling the bite of it when he finally looks down to where Suzaku is sprawled on the floor, his chair tipped over, wide-eyed and looking for something to grasp.
"It's real!" Lelouch gasps. "We're awake, Suzaku."
Suzaku reaches up and spins his top on the table anyways, his eyes a brilliant green as he watches it tremble and fall.
"Okay…" He finally says, looking up at Lelouch with the same relief. "Okay. Okay, I just-"
Lelouch watches, astonished, as he grabs the top and tries it again and again, only satisfied at the fifth aborted spin.
"I just…" Suzaku finally says, quiet in the vast warehouse, his voice as soft as the half-light. "…I've never wanted a dream to be true before…not since-"
The thought of Suzaku's dead wife brings Lelouch's breathless hope to a still. His passion is sobered entirely by Suzaku's haunted expression, his endless stare into the past.
"Oh." Lelouch is quiet too and he so wants to trail his fingers down the back of Suzaku's neck to offer some sort of comfort. "Oh, I… Suzaku..."
And then, of all the things the man can possibly do…Suzaku starts to cry.
And really…how can Lelouch expect anything less?
Everything turns out exactly the way it's supposed to, which is odd, and strange enough that Lelouch finds himself playing more and more often with his totem. He touches it in class, taps it against his mouth absently, and occasionally flicks it onto his side. It rolls in absent circles when he does that and it makes Lelouch a little wistful, a little upset, but he gets over it by the next exam. School comes as easily as always. Dreaming is far more difficult, because in every dream-
Kisses, broad hands, the curve of his shoulders in Lelouch's hands as he shudders.
-Lelouch is reminded of what he lost, of how he wasn't good enough to watch Suzaku bloom again and be whole.
Of course he had known that he'd never be a match for the man's family, his dead wife, but he'd hoped that Suzaku would at least let him know how things had gone, what he was doing… Gino says that it's because they aren't supposed to be connected so soon after the con, but Gino and Rolo have settled into Paris and Britannia Industries, now the top company in their field, has offered Lelouch a generous scholarship. Schneizel had even stopped in to tell him so, adding, "It would be a pity if such talent was wasted on the ephemeral."
And so after graduation Lelouch builds him skyscrapers, mansions, palaces. He builds them to perfection, sends them off, and in his mind they burn down to ash, empty, until Lelouch feels more like an artist than architect, tearing his work up in fits of pique when things don't quite go his way.
Keystone, colonnade, dome and cornice…cornerstone, arch and plane… Lelouch doesn't want to go back to the person he'd been before Suzaku, but he doesn't want to be himself either; desperate but not desperate enough to do anything about the nagging yearning in his heart.
He wants his passion back. That's all.
He wants things to be easy.
He wants-
Lelouch drops his compass and runs a hand through his hair with a deep sigh. He knows he isn't going to get what he wants. He knows it was his last chance. He knows-
He knows that dreams are where he belongs.
Pulling out his totem is a sign of defeat but Lelouch doesn't mind too much. There's no one to watch him do it as he brings the black king to light. It's been a long time since anyone has been in his room.
"Do you remember how you got here?" Lelouch asks, balancing the King perfectly on the tip of his finger. "Where did it start, Lelouch?"
With green eyes and a slip of a smile as Lelouch walked down the university steps. It had started with a shrug and a whispered, "Build me a maze?"
Lelouch sighs, stands, and finally decides to give in to sleep.
But this time he leaves the black king on the table.
He wakes up on a sandy shore.
The sunset starts out the same every day. First the sky begins to lighten, then golden, and finally there's a pink and yellow sweep across the sky. It reflects off the ocean and the glass palace Lelouch built on the island. He watches from the porch of his little house on the beach as it turns into a jewel of brilliant color. There are no roads, no bridges, no noisy motors to ruin the silence. It is a perfect image of what he had always wanted when he was very young; a place of grandeur filled with nothing but domed rooms, white marble floors, and brilliant golden light. Lelouch imagines that it looks even lovelier inside.
"What was your inspiration?"
Lelouch looks up and smiles. The best days are when old friends come to visit, and while Suzaku isn't a frequent guest he is a welcome one. He looks very familiar in slacks and a button-down shirt, standing just outside the doorway.
"When I was seven I gave my mother a crystal necklace…a teardrop. She put it on a string and hung it on the kitchen windowsill." Lelouch says, taking a sip of hot tea. "Shut the door behind you."
Suzaku does as he's told, walking to sit next to Lelouch on the stairs, putting an arm around Lelouch's waist like it belongs there. It feels like it belongs there.
"I always wondered what the world looked like inside that crystal."
"Why aren't you living there?" Suzaku's eyes are lit up by the sun, brilliant and soft. "A place like that takes a lot of work to just sit there empty."
"It didn't take too long." Lelouch avoids the question. "It was in my head before I even got here."
"Before you ran away from the real world, you mean."
A sharp surge of anger wells up and steals the fire from the sunrise as Lelouch glares into Suzaku's eyes.
"I didn't run away." Lelouch snaps. "I don't run away."
Suzaku shakes his head, sighing, "Well, you made damn sure you couldn't find your way back."
"Those other places were used up." Lelouch lets it go. He's learned long since that anger won't get him anywhere but in a downpour and he doesn't like thunder first thing in the morning. "I needed new space to create."
"Maze after maze after maze." For the first time Lelouch realizes that Suzaku looks exhausted. "I thought we'd gone as far as was possible, but you…apparently your subconscious has its own subconscious Lelouch. It took me years to get down here, you know. Years."
"Believe me, it took more time to build." Lelouch can't help but smile a little. "Did you see the garden? It was difficult to leave that one behind. That took decades, you know."
"You could have stayed on that level." Suzaku grouses, a lock of hair falling into his eyes as he scowls. "I know very well that you could have stayed. It wasn't even populated."
"And destroy my creations? No." Lelouch reaches up and brushes it away from his forehead. "And other people have only ever made anything worse, not better. They weren't needed."
"What about your sister?" Suzaku's fingers are light on Lelouch's cheek. "And all of your friends, Lelouch-"
"Are fine. Life goes on." Lelouch closes his eyes and memorizes the touch. It's been a long, long time since Lelouch saw Suzaku. At first Suzaku was there almost every day, but the further Lelouch went down into dreams the emptier life became until he was alone for months and sometimes years at a time.
He doesn't mind, but he does get lonely with nothing but his beloved architecture looking down at him at night. Suzaku's touch is delicious and comforting, something that Lelouch yearns for but can never manage to simulate consciously. He can populate his mind with millions and millions but he always knows that they're fake. Only when the projections wander in on their own is Lelouch allowed real comfort in the arms of another, the smell, the touch of their hand.
"I wanted to come down here to give you something, Lelouch…something I should have given you before." Suzaku leans down and kisses him on the forehead in the barest brush. "I'm sorry that I didn't."
"What?" Lelouch is breathless. Suzaku has never spoken so much before. None of them do.
Suzaku reaches down into his pocket, drawing Lelouch nearer before opening the palm of his hand to reveal a small brass top lying unmoving on its side.
"This is waiting for you once you come back home." Suzaku whispers, kissing him on the curve of his cheek. "Come back home."
"I…" For the first time Lelouch's resolve trembles. "Suzaku…this is my home now. This-"
"Why is it empty?" Suzaku whispers, his lips brushing Lelouch's ears. "Why is it empty when you have so many people willing to share them with you?"
Because I am empty, some part of Lelouch whispers. I am empty and there's nothing I can do to change that.
But they're so deeply inside his mind that nothing stays silent for long. The words wisp through the air and turn into a gale, making the world bend and twist until all Lelouch can do is stare and finally face what he had left behind himself on the drafting table.
A single king standing proud and straight and hollow.
"There's something I can do." Suzaku whispers. "Take it, Lelouch. Please. Come home."
"What could you possibly do?" Lelouch whispers, reliving the ache of being left behind. "What could you-"
His kiss is sweeter than before, slower, softer, and his hands are very gentle. It's not the sudden clash of the previous dream, like the broad strokes of some impressionist painting, every touch sings the delicate lines of the architect as they peer into the future to create majesty beyond imagination. Lelouch's mug shatters on the ground and he slips his hands into Suzaku's shaggy hair with the barest whisper of a sob creeping up the back of his throat. It feels as if Suzaku is trying to unravel some part of him, of his core, and it's true when Suzaku kisses the side of his jaw, his throat, the length of his neck, stripping his protestations just as easily as sliding cotton away from bare skin.
"You make this so easy." Suzaku is breathless, his mouth hot against Lelouch's ear. "Following you from miracle to miracle…every place more beautiful than the last. Every place."
It's not like before. This time it's a dream that's real from the graze of Suzaku's teeth to the flat slide of his tongue. Between their palms the round circumference of the top is hot and still, like the question turning in Lelouch's mind. Can he leave this place? Will he leave this safety?
Will he go with Suzaku…a man who's left him behind before and a man who might not be a man at all, but a figment of Lelouch's own troubled mind?
Suzaku is sighing quietly, holding Lelouch close and kissing him like they have all the time in the world. As if he's trying to learn Lelouch in careful measures. As if he's discovering Lelouch for himself.
"I walked through every building, every garden…looking for you." Suzaku whispers. "I found you… and I won't let you go, Lelouch."
Lelouch leans into him, closes his hand, and decides.
Lelouch likes Suzaku in the sunlight especially…just not in his sunlight.
"Out of the window, Suzaku."
Suzaku grins and tilts his head to the side until Lelouch's work is obscured entirely.
"I just sent the kids off to school." Suzaku takes a quick step forward. "So if you're not busy-"
"Which I clearly am." Lelouch smiles down at his work. What he had once felt is now true. It's not a carefully calculated image of the future that he's been attending to with such painstaking care, but a brilliant architecture of the past rendered by a paintbrush instead of a pen. Brilliant light… shades of vivid green and everything ablossom and maybe not as beautiful as he remembers, but far more permanent. He doesn't share his art with anyone else, all they get are the spare lines, the brickwork and mortar, but Suzaku isn't just anyone. Not anymore.
"Maybe I should say… if you're not too busy, then." Suzaku's smile is a lovely eclipse and when he reaches out there is something nestled in the palm of his hand. "Perhaps you'll do me the favor…?"
Lelouch abandons it all in the favor of a small brass top and without a moment of hesitation.
It spins, straight and true, shudders, and then tumbles off the drafting table and on to the floor. When it finally stops Lelouch leans over to pick it up, but Suzaku stops him with a touch.
"Once is enough."
It is a sign of something wonderful when Suzaku comes to his side. It is something true. Lelouch will never deny Suzaku even though they both know that Lelouch understands the weight of it, the axis, and the spin. They both know that Lelouch understands the totem just as he understands Suzaku.
Suzaku knows that Lelouch could reach out with a thought and make it fall. They both do. Still, Suzaku comes to him every time the world becomes unreal; too sad, too thrilling, too beautiful and he makes Lelouch the master of his destiny…just like Lelouch has let Suzaku become a master of his.
Lelouch kisses him sweet and soft and long and when Suzaku pulls away he laughs before grabbing the top off of the floor.
"Okay…spin it again."
Lelouch does so, automatically, but he doesn't wait for it to tumble and drop. He searches for another kiss and then another and then another as Suzaku clutches him close with a sigh. They're so caught up in each other and sunlight that Lelouch forgets to listen for the circular fall. He doesn't pay attention to anything but Suzaku.
Honestly, does he really need to? Lelouch knows the truth.
And behind him, unwatched, the top spins and spins and then-